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Old 04-28-2015, 05:29 PM
Leetah Leetah is offline
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Default The Hinge is Pretty Mono

Hello all, I am looking for some search help.

The easy to find advice for monogamous people is to help them cope with a poly Significant Other. But I am probably the least poly of the three of us though both my husband and my SO have lived basically monogamous lives. Neither of them is currently thinking of exploring a poly lifestyle beyond what we have. After more than a year of working things out everyone is feeling pretty secure, the men have a bit of a bromance going, the kids like hanging out with my SO and the hope is to cohabit when my SO returns from an extreme long distance job posting.

But I cannot quite get my mind around it. When I feel a surge of love for one of them I often think “Oh NO! Does that mean I do not really love the other? Have I been leading us all on a wild goose chase?” It feels rather like one of those optical illusions where you can see either one thing or another but not both at once. My mental language of romance is filled with superlatives that do not work with three. I cannot think of either of them as “my dearest love” because I love them both and want to feel romantic about them both. I know there are others here who have been through this, can you advise me as to what search terms to use to focus on the issue of paradigm shift?
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Last edited by Leetah; 04-28-2015 at 07:24 PM.
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Old 04-29-2015, 02:41 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
My mental language of romance is filled with superlatives that do not work with three. I cannot think of either of them as “my dearest love” because I love them both and want to feel romantic about them both.
Rather than look for problems in the loving, perhaps look for more language? I would have written that as

"I love them both. I feel romantic about them both. So thinking of one or the other as "my dearest love" doesn't work for me -- I need more vocab."

I would then solve it with

“my dearest loves”

Adding an "S" works.

So does their name.

"My dearest Bob. My dearest John."

But it is true -- the love language we speak in English does not have enough vocab sometimes. Other languages have many words that have no direct English translation. Here's one article with a few.

Maybe you guys "adopt" some words from another language or make up your own to express the sentiments you want to express to each other?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-29-2015 at 02:46 AM.
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Old 04-29-2015, 03:31 AM
Leetah Leetah is offline
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Thank you Galagirl. A good suggestion, changing the language people use does change the way they perceive things. I love thinking about words, their meaning and history so this will be interesting to me.

In your posts you are always very good at parsing out essentials. Have you any other ideas on changing a mono way of thinking in which to love more than one romantically is to either be betraying someone or to be mistaking passing fancy for love? I hate wrestling this in my mind on a regular basis. Perhaps some clear thoughts on how to turn the advice to mono spouses inside out somehow to shift my mindset? I have never been anything but mono, never had the urge to be anything but mono, and from what happened with friends who experimented in our twenties I have believed that being raised in our culture makes it almost impossible to be poly without someone feeling taken advantage of in the end. So this is a major shift I am trying to accomplish. My Loves think I am over thinking and should just relax.

Leetah
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Old 04-29-2015, 03:41 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I agree with them. I think you are overthinking. You could relax. Because you DO love two people. You are NOT monoamorous after all.

Quote:
I have never been anything but mono, never had the urge to be anything but mono
I get it. You thought you knew yourself pretty well and BOOM. Now you know a facet of yourself that you didn't before. You have the capacity, with the right someones, to love MORE than one at the same time. Who IS this chick and where did she come from?!

It's only been a year, hon. That can take time to digest. You had a paradigm shift.

Quote:
Have you any other ideas on changing a mono way of thinking in which to love more than one romantically is to either be betraying someone or to be mistaking passing fancy for love? I hate wrestling this in my mind on a regular basis.
I can tell you hate it. Even in your writing -- in that part of your post you seem to write to keep that chunk at "arm's distance" away from you. The rest is in 1st person.

I guess if that chunk were 1st person it would read like this:
"Do you have any other idea about how I can change my way of thinking?
  • I think that loving two is not really possible:
    • I think me loving BF romantically is betraying my husband.
    • Or I think I'm just mistaking a crush on my BF for long term love.
  • I think I am taking advantage husband and/or BF somehow
I hate wrestling this in my mind on a regular basis."
That seems to be core belief stuff. And if you had a paradigm shift, you are having to update those beliefs. It takes time to do though.

Labriola writes about some of that in her jealousy article.

It is written for the partner of a hinge, but it could apply to a hinge struggling. Same things. Just change the tense:

Quote:
Core Belief #1

If I really loved X, I wouldn’t have any desire for a relationship with Y.

Core Belief #2

If I were happy with my partner X, and if they were a good partner/spouse/lover/etc., I would be so satisfied that I wouldn’t want to get involved with Y.

Core Belief #3

It’s just not possible to love more than one person at the same time.
Could that article help you some?

Maybe when BF moves you don't want to leap into living together. Could he have a nearby flat first and ease into that transition that way? Local for a year or more. Then assess that "move in together" thing. That could lay the fear you are "mistaking a crush for love" to rest. NRE tends to fade in 6-24 mos.

Is that some of the anxiety source too? Going from LDR to in your home 24/7?

Here's another thought. "Be kind to the baby." The polyship is 1 year old. You are a parent -- you have been there. You expect babies to make mistakes, spill things, spook easy, have meltdowns.

Could apply it here to you feelings. You will wobble, trip on something, spook easy, have a meltdown, etc.

But keep perspective. Everyone is consenting to be here. Everyone seems to get on well. You will all find your way. It takes time.

"Be kind to the baby" in the meanwhile. Take it baby steps at a time. Don't rush anything. When the polyship is older, it will "walk" more smoothly with less tumbles, but while it's new, take it easy.

And take it easier on you too. If you find yourself doing hamster wheel thinking round and round -- get up and do something else. Fold laundry. Take a walk.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-29-2015 at 04:19 AM.
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  #5  
Old 04-29-2015, 03:46 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I've never ID'd as mono so I don't think that I can help in that regard. As to "mistaking passing fancy for love" - also, not something I would ever be accused of - for me it isn't "love" until the NRE fades and my rose-colored glasses are clear. (Took 18 months with MrS and 9 months with Dude, so I am learning to recognize it sooner.)

But as to vocabulary - MrS is "my bestest husband" and Dude is "my favorite boyfriend", or I use their name's/nicknames - "my sweet Dude", "my lovely, lovely MrS", try saying it without the "-est" or the "only" i.e. "Oh, my sweet, sweet love" or "Thank you, my precious darling." You love them both, AND you love them differently. One is the most this, the other can be the most that. One being your "mighty stallion" doesn't mean the other isn't your "romantic heart-throb". One can make your "heart feel like it is going to explode" and the other makes your "soul melt like butter".

It's all good.

JaneQ


PS. Of course, for the first year or so I apparently called out MrS's name while having sex with Dude (19 years of habit die hard ) - luckily, they both just thought that was amusing (and didn't TELL me dammit!). So the sensitivities of your guys may come into play,
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JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #6  
Old 04-29-2015, 04:30 AM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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I always put the word "my" in front of their names. "My DarkKnight." Like, "Squee! I love you bunches and bunches cuz you're my PunkRock!"

I don't really transpose the names too often. It's important for me to separate the energy - my love language is touch and I'm always big on snuggles and rubs and hugs and don't usually get mushy until I'm tuned in completely. I do call them both "loverface" and "sweetie" interchangeably, when I'm calling them to come get something and I'm in another room.

PunkRock calls me Princess Sassypants or sweetie or loverface. DarkKnight calls me sweetie, or honey.

Once in a while I will tell DarkKnight that he's my bestest husband and PunkRock that he's my bestest boyfriend. That will change in less than a month when PunkRock and I get handfasted. They'll have to then settle to each being my "bestest husband who happens to be in the room."
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  #7  
Old 04-30-2015, 07:17 AM
Leetah Leetah is offline
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Default Thank you all

Helpful and hopeful suggestions. I have already begun to try out the modifications to endearments. Awkward at first but I do think it will help.

Galagirl, perceptive observations and good ideas from you as expected. I will perhaps make a mantra out of Labriola's suggested changes to core beliefs.

As my SO will not be home to stay for at least a year, and we are unlikely to be able to move to a place with another bedroom for who knows how long after that, I am not too stressed over living arrangements.(Other than over thinking how to go about arranging things.) I agree it would be unwise for people in a new relationship who have not even lived nearby to take up living together. Even if we had an extra room I would want him to have his own place until we were certain enough that he would not need a refuge in case things went south. But we do figure on our all wanting to be together a large part of our free time.

We have had plenty of stumbles, a couple quite scary, over the last year and I am sure you are right that we will have more. I will try to take it easy on the baby relationship.

Thanks again

Leetah
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  #8  
Old 04-30-2015, 09:05 PM
LizziE LizziE is offline
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Jon and I use a lot of words/phrases that could be mistaken for being mono-based, but aren't. One of the things we both often says is "You are the very best one". What is behind that (but not spoken aloud) is "at being you". Most of our terms of endearment have that non-spoken (but known) sentiment of "at being you" "because you're you" at the end of them.

When we say something like "I love you the most" it's a joking competition of who loves who more between the two of us - it's not a comparison of other partners.

I hope that helps!
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Liz: cis female, 33, bi. life partner Jonathan, also dating Issi
Jonathan: cis male, 30, bi. life partner Liz

Issi: queer, 32, dating Liz, married to Jared
Jared: cis male, 33, straight, married to Issi, formerly dated (and still good friends with) Liz.
Rachel: cis female, 32, bi, life partner Rob, former non-sexual potential life partner to Liz (still good friends)
Lora: cis female, 27, bi, ex-partner of Jon


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  #9  
Old 04-30-2015, 09:20 PM
Leetah Leetah is offline
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Thanks LizziE. I like that. My husband and I have some similar things. I will think on it.
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