Mono-Partner feeling he's 'not enough' is causing my poly desires

Sammiannnz

New member
So I've been sorting out who I am in regards to poly for 2 years now. I've finally come to an accord with myself and (as one person on this forum neatly put it) I don't feel like is changed, only grown. I tried bringing it up with my partner over the 2 years and was shut down on the grounds that 'his parents are monogamous so he doesn't see any reason to discuss poly' (I was talking in generalities at this point, trying to feel his conception of poly out). Fast forward to 4 months ago, and after a discussion of 'our futures' I reveal that I'm pretty sure I'm poly.

Bit of background, cause I'm getting ahead of myself.
Me, Sammiannnz [21F], and my partner *Jay* [24M] have been together for 6.5 years, since high-school. I am his first relationship, he is my first long term partner. My parents lived with another couple when I was growing up and some poly/swinging quad developed, so that was something I was exposed to age (9 to 15).

4 months ago, I dropped into poly bomb, after a discussion on 'out futures' and how he saw us in 5 years time. Now I know that the poly bomb is a big thing, and I know that probably wasn't the right time, but to be honest I never felt like it was the right time.

Since then we've been trying to discuss it, see how things should go, see if there's a way we could make it work for us. He's firmly mono, so that's been a challenge. I've been doing my best to help him try and understand things, how I see the world, and what I can do to make him feel more comfortable.

I'm just struggling right now cause it feels like 1 step forward 2 steps back. He started open minded about it, so we suggested a speed dating style event so I could go and flirt and enjoy myself without any commitment. But that wasn't comfortable, so okay, we paused. A month later, we tried again, still having to take a step back. This has happened three times. Each time, we sit down and we talk.

It's frustrating because I ask, what makes you uncomfortable about this, and the response is 'I don't know.' So I try a different tack, 'what do you feel is missing?' Or 'what do you want to see happen' etc and I get the same response. The compromises he comes up with are also frustrating. So far he's suggested a hierarchy, (which I'm not 100% sure on, but open to the idea if it will help, he says he's not sure if it will help him), he's also suggested me dating only girls (on the basis then he can convince himself that they're giving me something he can't, because of their gender) or going out for 'just sex'. The latter two don't work because I'd rather be celibate than just sex, and although I'm bi, I'm bi with a preference for guys.

We had a long chat about it today, and ultimately it resulted in the following list of points:

==He's not sure what's missing in our relationship, only that something is missing. He proposes we wait until we can live together to figure out what's missing (still 3 months away before we even have the chance to move in together).

==He's not sure entirely what he's uncomfortable about with the whole only situation, only that it makes him uncomfortable.

==He keeps repeating that because of my decisions, and my desires, that the way i see our relationship (and the desire for me to have more partners, even the emotional bonds of partners) means that he's not giving enough to our relationship. He believes that if he was enough this wouldn't be happening, and I wouldn't be looking elsewhere but because I am that means he's not enough.

That third point bothers me, the first two we can work through. The third one though....that's a doozy. I've tried telling him how I feel, how our relationship is amazing, and how one partner can't be superpartner. I've trie telling him it's the emotional connections I crave, and not the physical, but he tells me that's what best friends should be for. He believes that if he gave more he'd be 'enough'.

How can I approach this? How can I help him understand? Is there a place I can go to show him some information, or an example that is particularly relevant? Is it a matter of just letting it run its course? We're working on making our relationship stronger, and hopefully clarifying somethings for him, but his position seems so illogical to me, but that's because of the way I see it. Mono partners, any advice from experience?


**Tl;dr**
Partner dealing with my poly bomb 4 months ago. Multiple attempts to discuss and possibly open leaves him with uncertainty about why he's uncomfortable/what he wants out of us (within the context of non-mono). He believes he's 'not enough' and that by being poly has meant that he can never 'be enough'. Unclear as to exactly how to proceed, as the 'not enough' argument seems illogical and all my attempts to clarify and understand have been rebuffed. Advice requested.
 
I would suggest sitting down and reading one or both of these books together has alot of information and explains quite a bit about what he and you are going through. The ethical slut, and More than two. Sorry I don't have the links maybe some one else can post them here for you.
 
Really, TES in the midst of this crisis? Strong disagree, here.

SammiAnn, you now need to make a decision: is it more important to maintain your relationship & nurse your husband's insecurities, or to accept your newfound identity?

Your husband now needs to decide: is it more important to trust your intentions & future actions, or prevent/get away from them?

I'm going to play the Crabby Old Geezer card here. :D The fact is that you two aren't ANYTHING yet -- you're both young & terribly inexperienced in love & romance & sex & relationships & LIFE IN GENERAL. You've given away major portions of your LIVES in the past 6.5 years (1/4 of his, 1/3 of yours), damn near ALL of your "young adult" years, during which you've walled yourselves off from interpersonal experience -- not only are you young but you're ALSO old & rusty :eek: & need to shake off the dust.

I suspect that, 6.5 years ago, each of you latched onto the nearest available acceptable candidate, then shut down -- you'd landed your prize marlin, & that was that, period.

SammiAnn, two years ago, you began coming to grips with the thought that maybe you acted rashly in taking the "forever" pill. Your husband... not so much -- he's entrenched in a happy rut.

You might have (unconsciously) misled him by not facing up to your nonmonogamous/bisexual nature BEFORE signing on for permanent monogamy -- you pulled a bait-&-switch on him. Now, the only motivation he has to change is to please YOU, & even that would represent a loss because he's happy(well, satisfied, anyway) with the status quo, & even dating other people WILL disrupt the patterns -- like, you won't be around as often, & much of the spontaneity AND reliability will evaporate.

I'd say it's your responsibility to take the lead in fixing this... & that means getting ready for the potentiality (or likelihood) of ending your marriage. You are NOTdoing a kindness to yourself OR to the man you love OR to your relationship by dragging it out for the next few YEARS
 
I mean this kindly ok? It may not be what you want to hear. :eek:

You are able to see he is not comfortable. Your partner does not want to do poly. So stop pushing him to. Move on without him as your romantic partner. That's more respectful than trying to turn him into something he is not.

Me, Sammiannnz [21F], and my partner *Jay* [24M] have been together for 6.5 years, since high-school. I am his first relationship, he is my first long term partner.

IME, that usually means first serious break up too. Rarely do people get together at 14.5 years old and 17.5 years old and stay together through adulthood.

Since then we've been trying to discuss it, see how things should go, see if there's a way we could make it work for us. He's firmly mono, so that's been a challenge. I've been doing my best to help him try and understand things, how I see the world, and what I can do to make him feel more comfortable.

What you can do to make him feel more comfortable long term is to part ways.

Are you understanding how HE sees the world? Why are you ignoring that he is firmly mono? He is not monoamorous (love 1 sweetie and polygamy friendly (prefers monogamy but up for polygamous shaped relationships as an end point person).

If he is firmly monoamorous and wants to love 1 sweetie, and also monogamous where he wants his romances to come in 1:1 shape, two people max?

And you are firmly polyamorous and want to love more than 1 sweetie, and polygamous where you want your romances to come in more than 1 partner shape? You cannot be his sweetie. And he cannot be yours. :(

You two are NOT deeply compatible for the long haul. As friends, maybe. As romantic partners? No.

==He's not sure what's missing in our relationship, only that something is missing. He proposes we wait until we can live together to figure out what's missing (still 3 months away before we even have the chance to move in together).

What is missing is compatible, matching world views. You two have different ones, and different wants for your romances. You are not compatible for romance together. Living together won't change any of that. This is NOT something you can "work through." This is a fundamental incompatibility.

==He's not sure entirely what he's uncomfortable about with the whole only situation, only that it makes him uncomfortable.

Not comfortable is not a "joyous yes." Anything less than a "joyous yes" is a "working no." He is not up for being in a poly network with you.

You don't really don't have to understand why he is uncomfortable. You just have to understand that at this time? He is not both willing and able.

  • If you can see he is not comfortable, then you know he is not eagerly willing to do poly with you. Not a joyous yes.
  • If you know he is firmly mono, you know he is not able to do poly with you.

What more do you need to know? Why push him to be something he is not? How is that you doing kind or loving behavior toward him? :(

==He keeps repeating that because of my decisions, and my desires, that the way i see our relationship (and the desire for me to have more partners, even the emotional bonds of partners) means that he's not giving enough to our relationship. He believes that if he was enough this wouldn't be happening, and I wouldn't be looking elsewhere but because I am that means he's not enough.

Don't lie or soft pedal it. That doesn't help him heal. If you love him? Be up front. No. He is NOT enough.

He is a great person to be with and you love all that he is. He is totally enough HIM. He is loveable and wonderful. Ask him to please stop beating up on his own self like he's inadequate or not loveable or something. This is not about him personally. This is about the situation.

And in THIS situation? You guys have different approaches and wants for romance. Neither way is wrong. His way is good and right for him. Your way is good and right for you. But they are not matching world views. That is not enough to make for solid foundations for a long term thing.

If you were a homebody? And he's a traveler who wants to be out and about? Does that make you guys bad people? No. Not good enough people? Of course not. But it makes you incompatible for anything beyond friends. You would not enjoy going to and fro traveling all over. And he would not enjoy staying still being a homebody. It would be a fundamental incompatibility for how you each want to be living your lives. If you were a homebody and he was a big gardener -- those could line up ok. You could stay put and he could have his garden outside. But a homebody and a big traveler? Do not line up ok. They each want different life situations.

This is no different. He wants his romances to be one way, and you want yours to be another way, and those two wants do not line up. Not compatible situations.

Again...Not everyone you date as a teen will translate into adult dating. :eek:

So... you could change the conversation. Instead of you or him trying to to pretzel the other on into a romance shape that neither one wants? Make peace with that incompatibility. Don't keep it in the stuck. Move it forward, and talk about how to let the romance go with grace. Talk about how to be good exes and friends instead.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do IS letting a romance end with grace. :eek:

He believes he's 'not enough' and that by being poly has meant that he can never 'be enough'. Unclear as to exactly how to proceed, as the 'not enough' argument seems illogical and all my attempts to clarify and understand have been rebuffed. Advice requested.

Hon, he is grieving. You are too.

Whether he keeps on taking it personally like he is not enough? Or he comes to understand that you guys are not compatible because you have different world views on romance?

The bottom line is still the same, isn't it? You guys are still not compatible for romance long haul. You want very different things that do not line up together. You have to part ways in order to end the misery.

So rather than keep the pot on the burner all churned up arguing semantics? You could do the kind thing and agree that this not working. And let it go with grace. Take the pot off the burner. So over time he can cool down and come to terms.

Keeping him all churned up in the stuck is not a kind thing to do. Move it forward. If you are going to linger, linger in the healing space. Don't linger in the "dragging out an inevitable break up" space. Not good for either of you. :(

Galagirl
 
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Hi Sammian,

Firstly, a very warm welcome to you. I'm fairly new here myself but I have found that there are many polyamorists here with years of experience who offer very good advice. Having said that, I don't think any of us are trained counsellors so we may sometimes give wrong advice (but well-intentioned).

I think it is commendable how you spent two years gently mulling over polyamory and using that time to discuss the issue with your partner. He's stated he's monogamous and from what you write, he doesn't seem to be able to articulate himself much better than that. That's a shame. You're here feeling like you want to challenge the societal norm and he's just stuck in the societal norm and seemingly happily so.

There are many things I feel I can write about in response to your post.
  • There is his reluctance to polyamory with his strong monogamous stance, which reminds me of at least 3 people on this forum all of whom have regretted discussing or trying polyamory with their partner (example 1, example 2, example 3). To counterbalance this, here are examples of people initally opppsed to the idea who have slowly mulled it over in their heads and eventually been okay with polyamory (example 4, example 5, many more examples in this category in the blogs section).
  • There is his insistence on your dating only girls which stems from his insecurity. This may work or it may backfire.
  • There is his fear that something must be missing in the relationship for you to want another relationship and how to address this (your main concern). Others are likely to address this better than I can.
  • There is the odd notion that things may improve once you start living together (if you've never lived together before, you may find yourselves having more arguments, actually).
  • There is the unspoken bias in people like you and me who have only had one romantic relationship in our lives, that longevity is a marker for success. It isn't, though I am sometimes awkwardly proud of the fact but somewhat contradictorily wish it wasn't so sometimes.
  • There is the question of the timeframe around your expectations for children, religious beliefs that might contain a world view opposed to polyamory, previous childhood traumas that may affect the way in which you perceive love or relationships, finances and ability to have independent finances.

If you feel a desire to explore any of these issues above, I'm happy to disciss it in further detail in subsequent posts, but more and more, I find myself thinking that a transition from a previously monogamous relationship to polyamory really hinges firstly on how healthy the monogamy is. As a forum, we spend an inordinate amount of time talking about a previously monogamous couples' view on polyamory and how to do polyamory from this starting point, or even go so far as to sometimes recommend separation before relationship counselling. More and more, I find myself wondering how the couple does their monogamy and if this is as good or a better question than the dot points above. After all how you commit yourself to doing one relationship must surely reflect how you would approach multiple relationships, right? So how do you do with just one relationship? Are there ways in which you can do relationships better? Maybe this is the more important question to explore first before adding more relationships.

I started this thread for you and others like you. It's a relationship vulnerability quiz. I have no idea how useful it may or may not be but I hope it will be useful to you and was wondering if you'd be willing to try and let me know what you think, please.

You're still very young (compared to most who visit this forum), and I hope you lead a rich and wonderful life, being able to explore everything it is you wish to explore.

Kind wishes,
Shaya.
 
Shaya, I'm sorry, but how is CHOOSING to be in a monogamous relationship being "stuck in a societal norm?" That seems very derogatory. I deliberately choose to be monogamous; I had the opportunity for polyamory and decided it wasn't for me, and would be detrimental to my marriage. Am I deficient in some way?

It does seem as if the OP and her partner are fundamentally incompatible; that does not mean one of them is more or less "evolved" than the other.
 
Hi Powerpuffgrl,

Thanks for pulling me up on that. I can see how what I wrote can be viewed as derogatory. I was probably less than careful with my words. Like you, I choose monogamy so maybe I felt i had no need to cushion what I was typing. I meant no disrespect to you or to myself or to others who choose monogamy. Sammian, when I referred to your boyfriend being "stuck in the societal norm", I was referring not so much to "being stuck in monogamy", I was reffering to being stuck in the way society thinks of monogamy without strongly considering other relationship choices. Let me clarify please, with apologies if I've rubbed you and others the wrong way.

I believe there exists an ethical monogamy; A monogamy built on a conscious intent to pursue monogamy, with room for renegotiation (for example, yearly) as life changes the monogamous couple. The unethical monogamy would be one that was entered into without conscious intent and without room for renegotiation. One example of what I feel would be an unethical monogamy would have been my prototypical church wedding with unsustainable promises of "till death do us part" in front of the judging eyes of your family and friends simply because that's what society tells you your relationship escalator should look like whilst simultaneously not offering you any reasonable alternate choices. And while some do weddings for different reasons to what I outlined, I suspect there are many who feel forced to participate in this relationship escalator due to a lack of knowledge of alternate choices. The lack of informed choice when most of society 'choose' monogamy strikes me as unethical since informed consent involves an understanding of all your choices before choosing one, and also includes the possibility of changing your mind after you choose. The prototypical choice for monogamy doesn't encourage this level of thought and therefore strikes me as unethical. Sammian, in terms of you and your boyfriend, I feel that you, like my wife and I, entered monogamy because that's what society said we should be doing at the time and none of us had any real choice in the matter because we were too young to think outside the box. Unlike my wife and I, you are questioning this at a relatively young age already. There is a large respect I have for you in your maturity here.

Polyamory, monogamy, swinging, relationship anarchy... they're all relationship choices. As long as you know your options, and are free to renegotiate if you find yourself changing as a person, they can all be done ethically and can work for any given couple (or throuple or quad).

Back to your question, when Sammian writes about her discussions on this issue with her boyfriend, she also writes that he commonly responds (over a period of months or years I presume) with "I don't know." I may be incorrect in my interpretation, but that makes me feel like her (relatively still young) boyfriend has not had the life experiences to make him question society's version of monogamy. That may not in itself be a problem, except his partner is now growing as a person and is beginning to question society's rules. I feel that this personal growth that Sammian is experiencing combined with his lack of concurrent growth is leading to the conflict Sammian and her boyfriend are currently experiencing.

In summary, when I wrote about "being stuck in the societal norm", I was referring to the majority of society who seem to go along with the flow, afraid to disrupt the status quo. It was more of a statement about choice than a statement about monogamy, though I can see in hindsight how misleading my statement was. Sorry for any monogamists reading it. I hope the clarification helps.
 
Apology accepted. I DO believe that society, as a whole, is progressing. Since I'm not the member of any minority group, I don't feel personal pain from discriminatory and hateful acts, and I don't proclaim that I "know" how any of those groups feel and perceive events.

I do know that there have been benchmarks showing progression that have happened just recently (gay marriage being the most notable, as far as I can see.) It is troubling that these signs of progression may be undone by a minority of hateful bigots, even as many of us see inclusion as a just, worthwhile goal.
 
I think the other thing to keep in mind here is that you, OP, have been thinking about this for two years. Your partner has had much less time to think it through. I agree with the idea to read the book More Than Two together - read a chapter apart, and then come together to discuss the questions after. It will either help you smooth through some of the communication issues you are having where he can't put into words what he needs, or it will show you both that it's time to step away from each other.

My husband DarkKnight is strongly monogamous and I am poly, so these configurations do exist in the wild. However, he and I discussed things and he was gung-ho about it from the moment we talked about opening up our decade long relationship. My other husband now, PunkRock, has had issues with us opening up further, and has struggled with feelings of inadequacy, so I am not unfamiliar with trying to figure out how to make a mono-poly relationship work.

That all said, you guys are young and a teen relationship to boot! I would not recommend moving in together with things not going smoothly now. Can you imagine if you brought a new partner back to your shared home? Or if he had to sit up all night, waiting for you to return from a sexy escapade? It doesn't sound like he has the emotional tools to weather that yet, if speed dating is giving him problems.

So yeah, my recommendation would be to bow out of this relationship as gracefully as possible. You are not compatitble. Or, give it another try with reading the resource that I suggested together. But if he is still not giving you that joyous yes that GalaGirl mentioned, you need to let him go.
 
Shaya said:
The lack of informed choice when most of society 'choose' monogamy strikes me as unethical since informed consent involves an understanding of all your choices before choosing one, and also includes the possibility of changing your mind after you choose. The prototypical choice for monogamy doesn't encourage this level of thought and therefore strikes me as unethical

Shaya, I'm going to respectfully disagree.

I don't know what religious tradition you were married in. But a lot have "marriage prep classes" or counseling before getting married. Marriage prep classes are also online and held in places like county extension offices or libraries. In some places, proof that you have taken a marriage prep class gives you a break on the cost of the marriage license. These days it is even easier to find marriage prep classes that are convenient for your schedule -- you can Google "marriage prep class."

Or go to to an online bookstore and search for "marriage preparation books." There's so many kinds... you pretty much can have your pick.

These classes/books are intended to demystify marriage, make sure the people undertaking it are actually ready, really do think out deep compatibility, and aren't just doing it on "auto pilot." They do encourage thinking this out carefully.

If you didn't know these opportunities existed at the time so could not avail yourself... that doesn't mean they don't exist at all or that people don't encourage others to think deeply about marriage before they buy in.

Shaya said:
One example of what I feel would be an unethical monogamy would have been my prototypical church wedding with unsustainable promises of "till death do us part" in front of the judging eyes of your family and friends simply because that's what society tells you your relationship escalator should look like whilst simultaneously not offering you any reasonable alternate choices.

I'm sorry if your family, friends, or church didn't counsel you to take it slow and really think out "deep" compatibility, and maybe consider taking a marriage prep class. I'm sorry you felt railroaded into marriage.

It's like you are mad your family/your community didn't guide you better. Which is fair enough... up to a point. After a point or certain age, writing things like "society didn't do this for me or didn't do that for me" becomes kinda like passing the buck.

Presumably you are an adult person on your wedding day. Not a child. You may not have known about other possible models for relationships (ex: poly, swing, kink, etc), but there were other reasonable alternate choices on the table you could have made if you weren't feeling confident about getting married right then. You could...

  • Have a really long engagement.
  • Not get married right now. Postpone/cancel the wedding. Stop to gather more information.
  • Elope or invite less people. Don't have a big ceremony with the "judging eyes" on the guest list.
  • Not get married ever. Commit to being single all your life.

You seem to be on a personal growth thing, as you examine previous values/thoughts/beliefs to see what is still worthwhile to keep and what has been outgrown. I commend you for doing that. You might find this has to be done periodically in life as you change and evolve over time. You are the "curator" of your values. What you value at 20, might not be what you value at 40, 60, 80 and so on.

I will gently suggest that you start taking ownership of your life and your life choices though. You could start by using more "I statements" like...

"At the time, I did / did not do X. In hindsight, I wish I had done X differently."​

Less blaming society/family like you still expect them to do your thinking/living for you. More getting on with it and taking personal responsibility for how your life unfolds. I have the same suggestion for you as for Sammiannnz: Don't pretzel yourselves into things you are just not.

Sammiannnz -- I might be totally wrong here... but you sound like you to live your life one way and your partner wants something else. Maybe you are growing apart in other ways. Maybe you are finding that what held you together as teens may not be enough to hold you together as adults and that's hard to digest right now. :(

Maybe you are trying to convince him to try poly because you are in the "bargaining stage" of grief and not at final acceptance yet.

But please don't pretzel yourselves into things you are just not. Do not keep going along on the "relationship escalator" into living together or all the way out to getting married on "auto pilot."

I am concerned your firmly mono partner will keep trying to "do the things" and keep offering you greater and greater commitments. Make all the gestures trying to "prove" his love and commitment to you. And you might accept them thinking if you do, he will FINALLY see how committed you are to him...just that you also want to poly and that doesn't take your commitment to him away. Maybe he will finally relax if you "do all the things."

You keep trying to get him to speak your language and understand you in your context. When you might have to speak HIS language or at least understand him in HIS context. You may have to realize that doing poly might not take commitment away for YOU...but FOR HIM doing poly would take the commitment way.

If he expresses the idea of "committed" with "I show commitment to my partner by forsaking all others (aka: exclusivity)" and you say you are committed to him but don't actually forsake? He's going to have a hard time with that. To him it will be you saying one thing and doing another. And like he's not doing enough of "the committed things" to make you finally go exclusive. Banging head on wall.

I encourage you to really think this out and assess what is best for you and what is best for him. The people. Even if it means you cannot be doing it together because there isn't enough "deep compatibility" here to allow that and you approach "commitment" differently.

Do not keep a romantic relationship going like "just going through the motions." Or keep it going just because nobody wants to face a break up. That's not healthy for either of the people.

Be brave, lean into it, and sort whatever need sorting. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

Galagirl
 
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I think the other thing to keep in mind here is that you, OP, have been thinking about this for two years. Your partner has had much less time to think it through. I agree with the idea to read the book More Than Two together - read a chapter apart, and then come together to discuss the questions after. It will either help you smooth through some of the communication issues you are having where he can't put into words what he needs, or it will show you both that it's time to step away from each other.

While I agree wholeheartedly with BlueBird's advice that your partner has had MUCH less time to process all of this, I'll give a word of caution on "More Than Two"...

Many monogamous folks find Franklin Veaux's writing to be condescending and feel as though the book comes out very "anti-mono" based on his discussion about his relationship issues with his then-wife, Celeste.

If this happens, I recommend stopping what you're doing with "More Than Two," picking up "The Game-Changer," and reading that before continuing. It goes into a lot more detail with Franklin & Celeste's relationship and explains a lot of the things he doesn't really have time to explain in (or don't really fit in the context of) "More Than Two."

I can also see where he comes across as condescending, but I tend to come from a techie/engineering background (as does Franklin), so I guess I'm used to that. :D
 
I don't know what religious tradition you were married in. But a lot have "marriage prep classes" or counseling before getting married.
I've always thought these would be a GREAT idea. There are churches locally that won't perform a marriage UNLESS the couple has successfully completed the class.

But I have no idea how common this is. And I cannot say that I know anyone who's actually gone through it. There are plenty of avenues for non-church & non-religious marriage in any case.

And if anyone knows of any reviews of how difficult these classes actually are, I'd enjoy learning more. Seems like few schools require students to learn how to balance a checkbook or create a budget, so I wonder whether churches do any better. How common is it for a church to demand that people actually acquire & demonstrate skills at communication, problem-solving, anger management...?
 
I can speak to this - before I married my ex husband, his father signed us up for one. Honestly, it was a waste of time, mostly because we had been living together for a year at that point. They'd separate everybody and have us read articles and then answer questions based on them. Like, about basic finances and budgeting, and how you felt about who would pay what, and what sort of things were important - what purchases would you prioritize? Other questions centered around home/work balance, and gender roles within the relationship. Child rearing, all of that. Then we'd come together with our partner and discuss our answers, and then everyone would be brought together and they would discuss as a group. They would do roleplays and improv as well, and in the end they had three married couples on a panel that we could ask questions of, they had been married for varying lengths of time.


It was definitely a religious class, and at one point they had us rank god, family, work, friends and time for self. The entire class (except for my ex and I) listed god as the most important. I put family, he listed work. That would end up being the defining structure of our relationship, and one of the major reasons we struggled. Not from lack of God - though I am sure others may think that - but because he would work 80 hour weeks and leave me struggling to balance 40 hours, part time school and kids by myself.

So I guess it would have been more helpful if I would have heeded that warning! Lol Overall though, we honestly could have skipped it, though it was interesting to hear the other couples' perspectives.
 
Home economics class or life skills class or whatever they call it now... they still teach kids about balancing checkbooks, dating, nutrition, aging, job seeking, etc.

As for adults, I know several who have taken Catholic pre-cana as well as several who've taken the Unitarian Universalist version of premarital class. In the UK I think they call it something like "marriage MOT."

A friend told me that hers was like a "weekend retreat" rather than a series of evening classes with the group. And during that weekend 2 or 3 couples dropped out, some in tears. Which spared them the cost of marriage/divorce. So as far as I'm concerned, I think it was a successful period of Engagement. They sat down to really think it out and found they were not actually "deeply compatible." It did not lead to a wedding, but it was a good thing for those couples to do. Hopefully it helped them assess compatibility with subsequent partners better.

I see a lot of people not giving the Engagement period it's due. They leap right into planning the party. Not the vows or marriage, but the stuff for the reception party. Flowers, DJ, catering, etc. I find that weird that they give more attention to a few hours party than to (hopefully) many years marriage.

There's just so MANY types of premarital classes... you can pretty much take your "flavor." The ones from houses of worship are going to have that tradition's extra stuff to them along with the "basics" like conflict resolution, money, chores, children, etc. There's also the ones from government that have a more secular tone. Here's just a few I found quickly.

http://www.marriagemattersbalt.org/ministry/upload/2013-AOB-Pre-Cana-Leader-Guide-REV.pdf (starting out Catholic)

http://www.uua.org/sites/live-new.uua.org/files/documents/lgbtq/pre-maritalcounseling.pdf (starting out UU, same sex)

http://www.uua.org/re/tapestry/adults/commitment (established UU, for staying committed)

http://lifelineforfamilies.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/LifelineFF_Couples-Workbook.pdf (starting out, anyone)

http://msue.anr.msu.edu/resources/together_we_can_curriculum (single parents to learn to coparent together... like after unplanned pregnancy. But any couple could run through it.)

We did ours on our own from a book at the time. I didn't find it especially hard. Just takes time to go through the worksheet things. We made it like a standing at home date -- dinner, worksheet, then curl up with a movie. Few weeks until it was all done. Then check in annually on the small picture plan and every 5 years on the big picture plan so we can make adjustments as needed.

In my circle of friends it's pretty much common knowledge these classes exist. Half do pre-marital class, half don't. But they all seem to know it is there. Here if you do take it, you get a break on the cost of the marriage license. Not taking it won't hold the marriage up. You just don't get the discount.

When you get divorced though, it is mandatory to take the "divorcing with kids" class so you can coparent decently afterward and can keep what is best for the kids in mind.

I figure every community deals with all these things in different ways. I think if someone really wants to take premarital classes if the local ones aren't a good fit for them, then they can find one to their liking online. It's not going to guarantee that people stay together and never divorce, but I think it helps them enter into marriage a more realistic view of what it takes. Maybe that helps their odds some.

Galagirl
 
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As someone who is mono and tried a polyamorous relationship for my other partner's sake. Do not try full on polyamory. You need to ease in to it. Otherwise your partner's insecurities will just continue to grow and he might not be ready for that. I firmly believe you need to go as fast as the speed of the least comfortable person.
 
@Newtothis2017: I agree with not trying 'full on' polyamory when going into it from monogamy. What you say is one of the reasons I didn't quite like the book morethantwo when I first tried to read it whilst trying to become poly from a monogamy. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great book (in the right situation) and it's approach to poly is very mature and shows how beautiful poly can be. The morethantwo website is now one of my favorite go-to resources for polyamory. But as a newcomer to poly, I felt that the suggested approach to dealing with jealousy and dealing with NRE rested too much on the shoulders of the non-poly partner. By that, I mean the (good) suggestion of "owning your jealousy" (where the onus of controlling your jealous emotions is placed on the jealous individual), combined with the simultaneous "NRE will fade" in 6-36 months advice for the struggling partner, felt like a really difficult double pill for me to swallow straight out from monogamy. Additionally, the book reinforces multiple times that rules and boundaries intended to constrain a new love can end up backfiring, giving many such examples and that left me, as the struggling partner, feeling like I had no method to control the madness I felt I was descending into due to jealousy and NRE.
 
You need to read the game changer to go along with more than two. You won't _like_ it, Shaya, but I think it's an important accompaniment.
 
Hi Sammiannnz,

Sadly, it's true that to a polyamorist, their first partner isn't enough; no one partner could be enough no matter how amazing they are. It's not that said partner is lacking in some way, it's that a polyamorous inclination is a desire to have at least two partners/dates. One partner/date is "not enough" by definition (not by deficiency). So you don't have to disagree with Jay on that point, not entirely. It's just that he shouldn't think there's something wrong with him.

I get the impression that Jay isn't likely to ever warm up to the idea of polyamory, although I hope I'm wrong.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Keep in mind that the OP and partners got together as teenagers and 99.9% of teenage relationships break up eventually. It's supposed to be that way - or it's been that way since the 1960s when we all got free of the strict social conventions that kept us bound to one mate from cradle to grave. All of this exposition on monogamy vs. poly is interesting and surely helpful for everyone reading along, but the OP is in a teenage relationship and no matter what the relationship type, it's normal and right and beneficial that it should come to an end. There are many more relationships to come for these young people.
 
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