Sammiannnz
New member
So I've been sorting out who I am in regards to poly for 2 years now. I've finally come to an accord with myself and (as one person on this forum neatly put it) I don't feel like is changed, only grown. I tried bringing it up with my partner over the 2 years and was shut down on the grounds that 'his parents are monogamous so he doesn't see any reason to discuss poly' (I was talking in generalities at this point, trying to feel his conception of poly out). Fast forward to 4 months ago, and after a discussion of 'our futures' I reveal that I'm pretty sure I'm poly.
Bit of background, cause I'm getting ahead of myself.
Me, Sammiannnz [21F], and my partner *Jay* [24M] have been together for 6.5 years, since high-school. I am his first relationship, he is my first long term partner. My parents lived with another couple when I was growing up and some poly/swinging quad developed, so that was something I was exposed to age (9 to 15).
4 months ago, I dropped into poly bomb, after a discussion on 'out futures' and how he saw us in 5 years time. Now I know that the poly bomb is a big thing, and I know that probably wasn't the right time, but to be honest I never felt like it was the right time.
Since then we've been trying to discuss it, see how things should go, see if there's a way we could make it work for us. He's firmly mono, so that's been a challenge. I've been doing my best to help him try and understand things, how I see the world, and what I can do to make him feel more comfortable.
I'm just struggling right now cause it feels like 1 step forward 2 steps back. He started open minded about it, so we suggested a speed dating style event so I could go and flirt and enjoy myself without any commitment. But that wasn't comfortable, so okay, we paused. A month later, we tried again, still having to take a step back. This has happened three times. Each time, we sit down and we talk.
It's frustrating because I ask, what makes you uncomfortable about this, and the response is 'I don't know.' So I try a different tack, 'what do you feel is missing?' Or 'what do you want to see happen' etc and I get the same response. The compromises he comes up with are also frustrating. So far he's suggested a hierarchy, (which I'm not 100% sure on, but open to the idea if it will help, he says he's not sure if it will help him), he's also suggested me dating only girls (on the basis then he can convince himself that they're giving me something he can't, because of their gender) or going out for 'just sex'. The latter two don't work because I'd rather be celibate than just sex, and although I'm bi, I'm bi with a preference for guys.
We had a long chat about it today, and ultimately it resulted in the following list of points:
==He's not sure what's missing in our relationship, only that something is missing. He proposes we wait until we can live together to figure out what's missing (still 3 months away before we even have the chance to move in together).
==He's not sure entirely what he's uncomfortable about with the whole only situation, only that it makes him uncomfortable.
==He keeps repeating that because of my decisions, and my desires, that the way i see our relationship (and the desire for me to have more partners, even the emotional bonds of partners) means that he's not giving enough to our relationship. He believes that if he was enough this wouldn't be happening, and I wouldn't be looking elsewhere but because I am that means he's not enough.
That third point bothers me, the first two we can work through. The third one though....that's a doozy. I've tried telling him how I feel, how our relationship is amazing, and how one partner can't be superpartner. I've trie telling him it's the emotional connections I crave, and not the physical, but he tells me that's what best friends should be for. He believes that if he gave more he'd be 'enough'.
How can I approach this? How can I help him understand? Is there a place I can go to show him some information, or an example that is particularly relevant? Is it a matter of just letting it run its course? We're working on making our relationship stronger, and hopefully clarifying somethings for him, but his position seems so illogical to me, but that's because of the way I see it. Mono partners, any advice from experience?
**Tl;dr**
Partner dealing with my poly bomb 4 months ago. Multiple attempts to discuss and possibly open leaves him with uncertainty about why he's uncomfortable/what he wants out of us (within the context of non-mono). He believes he's 'not enough' and that by being poly has meant that he can never 'be enough'. Unclear as to exactly how to proceed, as the 'not enough' argument seems illogical and all my attempts to clarify and understand have been rebuffed. Advice requested.
Bit of background, cause I'm getting ahead of myself.
Me, Sammiannnz [21F], and my partner *Jay* [24M] have been together for 6.5 years, since high-school. I am his first relationship, he is my first long term partner. My parents lived with another couple when I was growing up and some poly/swinging quad developed, so that was something I was exposed to age (9 to 15).
4 months ago, I dropped into poly bomb, after a discussion on 'out futures' and how he saw us in 5 years time. Now I know that the poly bomb is a big thing, and I know that probably wasn't the right time, but to be honest I never felt like it was the right time.
Since then we've been trying to discuss it, see how things should go, see if there's a way we could make it work for us. He's firmly mono, so that's been a challenge. I've been doing my best to help him try and understand things, how I see the world, and what I can do to make him feel more comfortable.
I'm just struggling right now cause it feels like 1 step forward 2 steps back. He started open minded about it, so we suggested a speed dating style event so I could go and flirt and enjoy myself without any commitment. But that wasn't comfortable, so okay, we paused. A month later, we tried again, still having to take a step back. This has happened three times. Each time, we sit down and we talk.
It's frustrating because I ask, what makes you uncomfortable about this, and the response is 'I don't know.' So I try a different tack, 'what do you feel is missing?' Or 'what do you want to see happen' etc and I get the same response. The compromises he comes up with are also frustrating. So far he's suggested a hierarchy, (which I'm not 100% sure on, but open to the idea if it will help, he says he's not sure if it will help him), he's also suggested me dating only girls (on the basis then he can convince himself that they're giving me something he can't, because of their gender) or going out for 'just sex'. The latter two don't work because I'd rather be celibate than just sex, and although I'm bi, I'm bi with a preference for guys.
We had a long chat about it today, and ultimately it resulted in the following list of points:
==He's not sure what's missing in our relationship, only that something is missing. He proposes we wait until we can live together to figure out what's missing (still 3 months away before we even have the chance to move in together).
==He's not sure entirely what he's uncomfortable about with the whole only situation, only that it makes him uncomfortable.
==He keeps repeating that because of my decisions, and my desires, that the way i see our relationship (and the desire for me to have more partners, even the emotional bonds of partners) means that he's not giving enough to our relationship. He believes that if he was enough this wouldn't be happening, and I wouldn't be looking elsewhere but because I am that means he's not enough.
That third point bothers me, the first two we can work through. The third one though....that's a doozy. I've tried telling him how I feel, how our relationship is amazing, and how one partner can't be superpartner. I've trie telling him it's the emotional connections I crave, and not the physical, but he tells me that's what best friends should be for. He believes that if he gave more he'd be 'enough'.
How can I approach this? How can I help him understand? Is there a place I can go to show him some information, or an example that is particularly relevant? Is it a matter of just letting it run its course? We're working on making our relationship stronger, and hopefully clarifying somethings for him, but his position seems so illogical to me, but that's because of the way I see it. Mono partners, any advice from experience?
**Tl;dr**
Partner dealing with my poly bomb 4 months ago. Multiple attempts to discuss and possibly open leaves him with uncertainty about why he's uncomfortable/what he wants out of us (within the context of non-mono). He believes he's 'not enough' and that by being poly has meant that he can never 'be enough'. Unclear as to exactly how to proceed, as the 'not enough' argument seems illogical and all my attempts to clarify and understand have been rebuffed. Advice requested.