I’m married and travel a bunch for work. I’ve met and mildly flirted with any number of women while traveling, but two years ago I did, and something about the woman just captured my heart. We emailed back and forth. I’d spend my days thinking of her and things I wanted to share, and then started feeling lie that was not fair to my wife, or good for my marriage. So I cut it off and told her why.
About 8 months after that, out of the blue, my wife dumped me. I pretty immediately got on OK Cupid, and Tinder, and resumed emailing the other woman telling her what happened, and she me. Not explicitly romantic, but multi-page and intimate.
Six months later my wife agreed to give it another shot. We started going to counseling together and working at it, and I moved back in. Meanwhile the letters with the other woman continued, and I became more and more enamored. I wanted to make it work out with my wife, but it was hard to compete with the unfolding of something new, and, of course, by the fact that it was email, the fantasy.
Six months later I was preparing to go to a conference where the other woman would be. I asked her of she wanted to hang out after the conference was over, and she said yes, and also that if I could come out to where she lived we’d have even more time together.
I was certainly tempted, but it was a lot easier to be with her after a conference than make a trip to just see her, being that I was married.
I was falling for this woman, but at the same time really wanted to stay married. And meanwhile, things were getting better at home. I love my wife, and my kid, and I wanted to make it work, but still, it felt like oatmeal compared to this new thing…
Maybe, I thought to myself, I could meet this woman at the conference, hook up, get it out of my system and return to my marriage, I thought.
A terrible idea, I thought, for me, for my wife, for the other woman.
So I did the right thing. I told my wife what was going on, and why. I told her that I wanted to stay married, but that there were things I was getting form this other relationship that I wasn’t getting from our marriage, that I would rather get them here, but needed to get them somewhere.
She listened attentively, as a friend, and understood. It brought us closer together than we had been in years.
Several days later she suggested that it would be ok with her if I got together with this woman at the conference. I was surprised, but excited at the prospect, and started reading up on polyamory. Checked in with her again to make sure it was all ok before leaving, and went, all aglow with possibilities.
I tried to figure out how best to tell the other woman what was up. It had been a long time for me, and it felt wrong to go the seduction route – ie flirt, get her hooked and then tell her. It seemed the only fair was to just tell her everything right out.
So I did. And she was FURIOUS for my even suggesting such a thing and hasn’t spoken to me since.
I have taken it much harder than I thought I would. Pretty heartbroken in fact. I feel like I made the right choice – in sharing with my wife, and in laying it all out with the other woman. I am so grateful that I approached this honestly and openly and saved my marriage, which is the most important part of it for me, but it still fucking hurts and I am depressed, and I feel bad about being depressed about getting rejected by someone else, when my wife is still with me.
This first time disaster has me pretty soured on the whole poly thing. I don’t think I could go through anything like this again, and maybe its better to just keep the energy focused at home.
About 8 months after that, out of the blue, my wife dumped me. I pretty immediately got on OK Cupid, and Tinder, and resumed emailing the other woman telling her what happened, and she me. Not explicitly romantic, but multi-page and intimate.
Six months later my wife agreed to give it another shot. We started going to counseling together and working at it, and I moved back in. Meanwhile the letters with the other woman continued, and I became more and more enamored. I wanted to make it work out with my wife, but it was hard to compete with the unfolding of something new, and, of course, by the fact that it was email, the fantasy.
Six months later I was preparing to go to a conference where the other woman would be. I asked her of she wanted to hang out after the conference was over, and she said yes, and also that if I could come out to where she lived we’d have even more time together.
I was certainly tempted, but it was a lot easier to be with her after a conference than make a trip to just see her, being that I was married.
I was falling for this woman, but at the same time really wanted to stay married. And meanwhile, things were getting better at home. I love my wife, and my kid, and I wanted to make it work, but still, it felt like oatmeal compared to this new thing…
Maybe, I thought to myself, I could meet this woman at the conference, hook up, get it out of my system and return to my marriage, I thought.
A terrible idea, I thought, for me, for my wife, for the other woman.
So I did the right thing. I told my wife what was going on, and why. I told her that I wanted to stay married, but that there were things I was getting form this other relationship that I wasn’t getting from our marriage, that I would rather get them here, but needed to get them somewhere.
She listened attentively, as a friend, and understood. It brought us closer together than we had been in years.
Several days later she suggested that it would be ok with her if I got together with this woman at the conference. I was surprised, but excited at the prospect, and started reading up on polyamory. Checked in with her again to make sure it was all ok before leaving, and went, all aglow with possibilities.
I tried to figure out how best to tell the other woman what was up. It had been a long time for me, and it felt wrong to go the seduction route – ie flirt, get her hooked and then tell her. It seemed the only fair was to just tell her everything right out.
So I did. And she was FURIOUS for my even suggesting such a thing and hasn’t spoken to me since.
I have taken it much harder than I thought I would. Pretty heartbroken in fact. I feel like I made the right choice – in sharing with my wife, and in laying it all out with the other woman. I am so grateful that I approached this honestly and openly and saved my marriage, which is the most important part of it for me, but it still fucking hurts and I am depressed, and I feel bad about being depressed about getting rejected by someone else, when my wife is still with me.
This first time disaster has me pretty soured on the whole poly thing. I don’t think I could go through anything like this again, and maybe its better to just keep the energy focused at home.