Hi together,
My partner of almost 10 years and me come from a pretty bumpy poly start - with two attempts that failed due to bad communication and self care in the last 3 years.
After a lot of work we gave it a try again beginning of this year and it's now in general working out more smooth - but it's also more difficult, as we are - due to work reasons - now (since 2 months) seperated by 6000km till the end of the year.
The idea of poly originated in his desire to sleep and conquere other woman (we got together when we were really young and he was really shy) - as his desire didn't go away for 4 years and we didn't want the relationship to end, I got more into research about love and different relationship theories and kind of fall in love with polyamory - as I always already exhibited and feeled somehow some of it values and principals.
From the beginning on, we valued a different style of an open relationship. Originaly I was always looking for a true poly relationship, he more for adventures - which was okay for both of us.
Of course everything changes and evolves - he is not so sure anymore about wanting ONS, but goes more in the Friends+ direction - which was a bit hard for me as it came really sudden (I somehow always hoped he would get more into the deeper relationships - but didn't expect it to be so soon).
I still somehow don't like the style he manages his relationships - I have the feeling it's random (and not conquering women he really fancies) and he shows parts of his character I don't really appreciate: like organizing two (sex) dates on two consecutive days.
In this situations I feel like I do not really know him anymore - we communicate often and pretty honest - he knows about my worries and ensures me, that he is not a changed man.
But for me it's somehow hard to see him in the same light as before. With not being able to really connect, also physically, i somehow feel distant more and more. I love him deeply, I understand his motivation - but I somehow don't like his style. And it's hard for me to seperate the person I love from the man I see there from the hard facts.
I know, that this different style has nothing to do with me or our relationship, but somehow I was always proud of my loving and honest and commited and super emotionally and sexually invested man - which is now 'settling' for woman which are 'okay' where he is not super invested and he just takes advantage of every sex opportunity he gets.
At the moment there is not the option to end the open relationship - because we both still want to explore other persons.
But I'm a bit worried, that i slowly fall 'out of love' because I don't like his style - which would probably not be a reason if we could connect generously and I would be reassured that he is still the man I love.
And, despite honest efforts, he notice my dissapointment and diapproval (I somehow can't hide that, and he just knows me to well) - I mean he knows about it either way, obviously, but I think it's still super hard to see your parter struggeling like that with you and I'm worried that I'm runining our relationship with that.
Thinking about my options I more and more debate the idea, that we should maybe use the opportunity to pause the relationship for as long as we are seperated and really be free to explore other relationships - as we due to the LDR do not have the possibility to properly secure our relationship - somehow like "Better an (temporal) end with fear than a fear without end." Like we are harming our relationship not because of poly or because of us, but because of the circumstances of the LDR.
I really look forward to advice and input...
My partner of almost 10 years and me come from a pretty bumpy poly start - with two attempts that failed due to bad communication and self care in the last 3 years.
After a lot of work we gave it a try again beginning of this year and it's now in general working out more smooth - but it's also more difficult, as we are - due to work reasons - now (since 2 months) seperated by 6000km till the end of the year.
The idea of poly originated in his desire to sleep and conquere other woman (we got together when we were really young and he was really shy) - as his desire didn't go away for 4 years and we didn't want the relationship to end, I got more into research about love and different relationship theories and kind of fall in love with polyamory - as I always already exhibited and feeled somehow some of it values and principals.
From the beginning on, we valued a different style of an open relationship. Originaly I was always looking for a true poly relationship, he more for adventures - which was okay for both of us.
Of course everything changes and evolves - he is not so sure anymore about wanting ONS, but goes more in the Friends+ direction - which was a bit hard for me as it came really sudden (I somehow always hoped he would get more into the deeper relationships - but didn't expect it to be so soon).
I still somehow don't like the style he manages his relationships - I have the feeling it's random (and not conquering women he really fancies) and he shows parts of his character I don't really appreciate: like organizing two (sex) dates on two consecutive days.
In this situations I feel like I do not really know him anymore - we communicate often and pretty honest - he knows about my worries and ensures me, that he is not a changed man.
But for me it's somehow hard to see him in the same light as before. With not being able to really connect, also physically, i somehow feel distant more and more. I love him deeply, I understand his motivation - but I somehow don't like his style. And it's hard for me to seperate the person I love from the man I see there from the hard facts.
I know, that this different style has nothing to do with me or our relationship, but somehow I was always proud of my loving and honest and commited and super emotionally and sexually invested man - which is now 'settling' for woman which are 'okay' where he is not super invested and he just takes advantage of every sex opportunity he gets.
At the moment there is not the option to end the open relationship - because we both still want to explore other persons.
But I'm a bit worried, that i slowly fall 'out of love' because I don't like his style - which would probably not be a reason if we could connect generously and I would be reassured that he is still the man I love.
And, despite honest efforts, he notice my dissapointment and diapproval (I somehow can't hide that, and he just knows me to well) - I mean he knows about it either way, obviously, but I think it's still super hard to see your parter struggeling like that with you and I'm worried that I'm runining our relationship with that.
Thinking about my options I more and more debate the idea, that we should maybe use the opportunity to pause the relationship for as long as we are seperated and really be free to explore other relationships - as we due to the LDR do not have the possibility to properly secure our relationship - somehow like "Better an (temporal) end with fear than a fear without end." Like we are harming our relationship not because of poly or because of us, but because of the circumstances of the LDR.
I really look forward to advice and input...