long distance and it's perks

oxalis

New member
Hi together,

My partner of almost 10 years and me come from a pretty bumpy poly start - with two attempts that failed due to bad communication and self care in the last 3 years.

After a lot of work we gave it a try again beginning of this year and it's now in general working out more smooth - but it's also more difficult, as we are - due to work reasons - now (since 2 months) seperated by 6000km till the end of the year.

The idea of poly originated in his desire to sleep and conquere other woman (we got together when we were really young and he was really shy) - as his desire didn't go away for 4 years and we didn't want the relationship to end, I got more into research about love and different relationship theories and kind of fall in love with polyamory - as I always already exhibited and feeled somehow some of it values and principals.

From the beginning on, we valued a different style of an open relationship. Originaly I was always looking for a true poly relationship, he more for adventures - which was okay for both of us.
Of course everything changes and evolves - he is not so sure anymore about wanting ONS, but goes more in the Friends+ direction - which was a bit hard for me as it came really sudden (I somehow always hoped he would get more into the deeper relationships - but didn't expect it to be so soon).

I still somehow don't like the style he manages his relationships - I have the feeling it's random (and not conquering women he really fancies) and he shows parts of his character I don't really appreciate: like organizing two (sex) dates on two consecutive days.

In this situations I feel like I do not really know him anymore - we communicate often and pretty honest - he knows about my worries and ensures me, that he is not a changed man.

But for me it's somehow hard to see him in the same light as before. With not being able to really connect, also physically, i somehow feel distant more and more. I love him deeply, I understand his motivation - but I somehow don't like his style. And it's hard for me to seperate the person I love from the man I see there from the hard facts.

I know, that this different style has nothing to do with me or our relationship, but somehow I was always proud of my loving and honest and commited and super emotionally and sexually invested man - which is now 'settling' for woman which are 'okay' where he is not super invested and he just takes advantage of every sex opportunity he gets.

At the moment there is not the option to end the open relationship - because we both still want to explore other persons.
But I'm a bit worried, that i slowly fall 'out of love' because I don't like his style - which would probably not be a reason if we could connect generously and I would be reassured that he is still the man I love.

And, despite honest efforts, he notice my dissapointment and diapproval (I somehow can't hide that, and he just knows me to well) - I mean he knows about it either way, obviously, but I think it's still super hard to see your parter struggeling like that with you and I'm worried that I'm runining our relationship with that.

Thinking about my options I more and more debate the idea, that we should maybe use the opportunity to pause the relationship for as long as we are seperated and really be free to explore other relationships - as we due to the LDR do not have the possibility to properly secure our relationship - somehow like "Better an (temporal) end with fear than a fear without end." Like we are harming our relationship not because of poly or because of us, but because of the circumstances of the LDR.

I really look forward to advice and input...
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I've done LDRs in my young adult days and I just don't like it. Even today with Skype and things? I still wouldn't like it. I like being able to connect locally. I like being able to touch my person.

If I also had to deal with partner saying he wants to "conquer women" and knowing he is "'settling' for woman which are 'okay' where he is not super invested and he just takes advantage of every sex opportunity he gets" it would be a turn off.

I'm ok with sharing love and sharing sex in a poly context but just putting notches on a bed post? Meh.

To me it sounds like you know you both have different approaches and different values. Maybe grown apart over the years. Not esp loving the LDR either. If so? Go ahead with the pause. Or even just part ways rather than calling it a pause. Really be free to explore other relationships.

If you get back together when it can be local rather than LDR? Worry about it at that point in time.

That's what I would do in these shoes.

Galagirl
 
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I'm sorry you struggle.

I've done LDRs in my young adult days and I just don't like it. Even today with Skype and things? I still wouldn't like it. I like being able to connect locally. I like being able to touch my person.

If I also had to deal with partner saying he wants to "conquer women" and knowing he is "'settling' for woman which are 'okay' where he is not super invested and he just takes advantage of every sex opportunity he gets" it would be a turn off.

I'm ok with sharing love and sharing sex in a poly context but just putting notches on a bed post? Meh.

To me it sounds like you know you both have different approaches and different values. Maybe grown apart over the years.

If so? Go ahead with the pause. Or even just part ways rather than calling it a pause. If you get back together when it can be local rather than LDR? Worry about it at that point in time.

That's what I would do in these shoes.

Galagirl

thanks for your thoughts!

We had LDR during a long time of our relationship, so we are rather fine with it in general. both independend people which communicate frequent and good. It was never that far, and yes, the physical part is super important for me - you know that "5 love languages" test? Touch is one of my ways of receiving and expressing love...

The conquering part didn't bother me - as I understand the thrill it has, the excitement the investment - but this randomness at the moment is not mine.

He is worried that I'm making that problem about the different approach up, because I want to hide the fact that i'm unhappy with him in other ways and because I'm deep down not okay with the open relationship.
And sure, every person has stuff you don't patriculary like, but I mean - I "kept up" with those for years and was fine - even when we had other issues. Why would those bother me now.
And I'm fine with him seeing those two woman he had the "consecutive dates" with in a more honest and commited way. But organizing a sex date on friday with woman A and with woman B on saturday - and in both cases it was sex for the first time - that's something I don't appreciate. And especially if it 'just happened, because they both asked...'

the idea of "giving up" that relationship at that point because of what it feels like mere circumstances somehow feels cowardly - but otherwise I'm worried that the man and the relationship gets ruined for me
 
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All you can do in any relationship is be honest and up front about where you are at at THIS point in time. You seem kinda meh on how he approaches all this:

And I'm fine with him seeing those two woman he had the "consecutive dates" with in a more honest and commited way. But organizing a sex date on friday with woman A and with woman B on saturday - and in both cases it was sex for the first time - that's something I don't appreciate. And especially if it 'just happened, because they both asked...'

If you don't want to "give it all up" then take a "pause" instead. So you don't have to be listening to how he's dating this fall/winter.

Reassess later when local how you want to be together then. Don't over think this. Do what YOU need to be at peace. I don't think doing self care is cowardly.

Galagirl
 
Hi oxalis,

It sounds like you are unhappy with the way your partner is handling his relationships. You do not want to break up with him, but you wish he would stop doing things like scheduling the sex with two different women two days in a row. Like he is being too random or casual about sex and relationships.

What are some of his good points? He must be quite a good man in many ways -- like 95% of the ways -- if you are willing to stay with him in spite of all the obstacles. Would you be willing to talk about some of the things you love/like about him?

Is this the same partner as Saroo in your first thread? I am just wondering. Is he in India and you are in the UK? You said he is 6000 km away til the end of the year.

I hope you and he can work things out with each other.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hey Kevin,

yip, that's him - there you have the super bumpy start of this attempt.

But to bring you up to speed, this was August last year, we decided to give us and the open relationship another try - we actually made a pretty awesome decision tree to have all our options in front of us.

we spend an amazing vacation christmas/new years - I sorted out some stuff in my life (MA thesis and support system back home), we had a slow start in the open relationship during that vacation (where we actually had more time to be aware about each other) with some dating from than on - nothing really ground breaking, but it's also India - dating is a bit harder there ;)

Then this spring I had to go back and furth home (Europe) for two times in order to figure out some stuff. I had casual texting contact with someone we met on vaccation, he was enyoing himself going out - all was working out pretty fine.

Beginning of this summer I had a longer stay back home and he actually felt a bit more lonely back in India (he could be a pretty good hermit usually) and so he had to reach out more and got some friends and went out more often and had some casual dating stuff going on. And at that point he was super honest telling me, that he is actually enyoing his time without me there, that he feels, like he needs that - but he still loves me, but this just feels right at the moment and he is not sure about how to proceed.

I was not super happy about hearing that - as I was planning on going back to India to my family (we actually have two dogs now... so it really feels like family) and needed some time processing.
As it on the other hand also made sense for me (professionaly) to stay in Europe to pursue my carrer - I 'took myself out of the game' and decided to stay and not to return to India. And of course I had the whole complexe situation in mind, and hoped (and still hope) that this would help - and it was actually a possibility in our decision tree ;)

With me out of the picture in India and some new friends he went to 'business' and really started dating, using dating apps (which I intentionally didn't appreciated at all - but for the sake of harmony and being open minded I gave it a try and actually met an amazing person... but that's a different story) and basically using every chance to get laid (e.g. woman B from above is someone he met on a meet up for expats in India, where we normally went together). This have been the last two months.

And yes, he is an amazing person, or at least I left an amazing person back in India, to quote myself

"In general i have to say that Saroo is a wonderful person. He is full of love and happiness, he enjoys the small stuff and goes for the big stuff. He made me a better person, is always at my side. He works on his issues and is in general thoughtful.

We evolved so much together. As i shortly mentioned I didn't have the best childhood - so we needed to work on trust issues from my side - during our relationship he helped me through two major health crisis which weren't easy on him. He, somehow turned into that guy, I always wanted to spend my life with. He wants to get married, have a bunch of kids and dogs running around in a small house with big garden and just a simple life with no drama and some great vacations.

95% of the time we spent is awesome - we understand each other without words, we like the same stuff and enjoy our time together. I'm a morning person he is definitely not - what causes some tension sometime - he is also a little more active and adventurous, but besides that, we are a pretty happy and a good team. "​

So that is where I 'left' him and the relationship and it's hard to see that change (in my eyes), he ensures me that he still is the same person with the same goals and values in life.
 
He sounds like a pretty great guy. I hope he is not changing!

It sounds like he has sex at every chance he can get it. Is that accurate? At least that is what he is doing right now.

Are you thinking about moving back to India? What are the pros and cons?
 
he is an amazing person - but the hard facts about his behaviour at the moment start to begin painting a different picture.
And due to the LDR it's hard to reinforce our relationship.

Moving back is not an option as I'll start a job in about a month here, and about a month later - beginning of october - he'll be here for a conference and we'll see each other again.
Going back would also mean, that I kind of go back to being an housewive and can't really work on any of my personal or professional goals - I did that for the last 1.5 years - very happily - and it resulted in the fact that he discovered, that he wants some alone time (because when he gets back from work I'm alway home - surprise surprise) - so there is not an option to go back to that.

Sometimes I think I'm (or maybe we both) are too understanding...

I'm thinking about putting some time into defining some important values and kind of guidelines of behaviour I want to have in a partner - just for me - and then check during the weeks how much he actually still acts like that - just to have a big picture (I think I tend to 'forget' a lot... I'm not at all resentful and I also strongly see a difference between a person and their behaviour... you now, sometimes a good person can do stupid stuff) and be honest with myself...
 
Sounds like LDR has some good points and some bad points. You are wise to define values and guidelines of behavior you want in a partner. Hopefully Saroo will pass that test.
 
Sometimes I think I'm (or maybe we both) are too understanding...

I'm thinking about putting some time into defining some important values and kind of guidelines of behaviour I want to have in a partner - just for me - and then check during the weeks how much he actually still acts like that - just to have a big picture (I think I tend to 'forget' a lot... I'm not at all resentful and I also strongly see a difference between a person and their behaviour... you now, sometimes a good person can do stupid stuff) and be honest with myself...

I think you articulating what your personal standard is for dating partners and writing it out is a good idea. Then see if he still measures up or not.

Galagirl
 
I think I understand where you are coming from. Ponytail seems oddly willling to date/become intimate with women he isn’t really all that into and it bothers me too sometimes. I feel like it cheapens what we have together when he does that.

However, I have come to understand that he fundamentally views things differently than I do — for him it isn’t so much about “conquering” anyone, it’s that he builds connection through intimacy and touch and so he kind of has no way of establishing the possibility of a relationship if he doesn’t become physical with someone and see what develops. Is it possible that that is what is going on with Saroo? The “hard facts” may be indisputable, but his motivations might be different than your interpretation.
 
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