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Old 02-21-2017, 01:52 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Question The closed FMF

First, let me make clear that I raise this issue in order to ask questions that have been bugging me (for like 30 years), not to make any pronouncements. There's some very cool people on this site, & I'm hoping that maybe others can finally help me make some sense of it all.
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Some background.

Before the term "polyamory" came into vogue, our household (Minneapolis) was in touch with Kerista (San Francisco) & not only subscribed to the PEPtalk newsletter (from a group calling itself Polyfidelitous Educational Products, publishers of The Polyfidelity Primer) but got a few articles & letters published.

Those submissions caused problems, getting us denounced in print as "abusive" & "sex-addicted" & whatnot, because we didn't see why WE had any particular need to have a closed-boundary relationship. (It didn't take hold. )

A few years later, local threesomes were seeking us out for advice. Good people all, but (before we had much of a vocabulary for it all) we could readily see where the problems mostly stemmed from trying to shoehorn another person into a dyad. This was so far away from our ways that we often felt inadequate to address their rather specific needs.

When we hosted discussions, most people there were of the "couple seeking" variety.

The stereotype kept growing. The founding dyad was almost always married... the M "very supportive of me exploring my sexuality" (meaning "trying bi")... the "new girl" would be a decade younger... childfree but hoping to change that... ready to move in (with minimal belongings) soon after sexual intimacy began...

Now, I am really big on mentoring by more-experienced peers. I thus figured it'd be a great idea for the various vees & triads & couples to have their own group, a safe space where they could share their specific issues & experiences with the like-minded.

And it still seems like a good idea.

My admitted bias is that (it seems, to me) couples see each other as the competition. Though their experiences could help others in similar situations, they are reluctant to possibly give some advantage in "the search" because they know (perhaps unconsciously) that the likely pool of suitable "thirds" is quite small, not enough to fill demand for permanent situations much less provide casual dating-around so that the couples might explore the possibilities in a less desperate manner.
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One big advantage of the Internet is that triads & seekers are protected by distance AND a little bit of anonymity. They could have that "safe space" I mentioned with very little risk of competing over the same women. Experienced triads & vees could be free to offer valid advice to couples & singles intending polyfi threes.

This site has a really cool feature that seems underutilized, & strikes me as a great place for a "triadic space" to start. That would be Social Groups (under the Community tab at the top of every page). There's like 75 Groups already, with specific focuses & their own discussions away from the main board; the biggest has 256 members.

My thought is that new members to this site seeking advice on how to start, maintain, or debug a triad/vee could be encouraged toward like-minded peers for their specific (& often urgent) needs. There's MFM Vee, but even that sorta flamed out after two threads... but at least they tried.
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Phew.

It's a situation I would like to see improved, if possible, & I'd offer any advice I might have if I knew how. If anyone cares to elaborate on the shaky framework, have at.
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Old 02-21-2017, 04:04 AM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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I had no idea about that Community tab existed! Thanks!
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Old 02-21-2017, 03:37 PM
SW1231 SW1231 is offline
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This is awesome. I have SO many questions.
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Old 02-21-2017, 03:53 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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So those with questions, including yourself, Raven, did you want to ask questions here or choose a group from the Community tab, or create a new group?
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Old 02-21-2017, 06:10 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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What are the questions you have Ravenscroft? Or was this more of a place marker for a space to ask questions about couples/unicorns/triads? Is the intent only focused on FMF relationships or broader gender configurations?

And yeah, I too never noticed the Community tab either despite being here for several years. Embarrassing!
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Old 02-21-2017, 11:08 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I'd forgotten all about it even though I joined the queer group as a new member. It was so dead I didn't check it for long.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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  #7  
Old 02-24-2017, 05:59 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
did you want to ask questions here or choose a group from the Community tab, or create a new group?
My druther is to discuss this in public AND to continue encouraging people who are actually in (or at least into becoming) a particular form to start one or more Community areas where they could actively support each other, rather than relying solely on the greater (random) membership. Certainly there'll be crosstalk.

I often log off with the impression that half the first-time posters here hang around just long enough to get discouraged. They're hoping to find "our third" here in a week or two (or at least easy-to-follow directions), or a simple solution to a situation they know is messed up. The former get The Usual Lecture about unicorns, the latter need to explain their situation to a poorly-lit arena of people who may never have shared a similar situation. Even if they're given (what I feel is) great advice, they generally evaporate. Maybe they'd do better AND hang around longer if they had an early opportunity to meet up with actual peers, people of similar situation &/or experience.

The following bears repeating. Due to common misuse, there are TWO meanings to the word "polyamory." Amongst ourselves, we know "polyamory" implies all sorts of stuff, like increased depth & breadth of communication, high self-awareness & introspection, & avoidance of self-blinding Romantic myth, & as well that it might NOT mean sex or deep abiding Love.

More widely, "polyamory" is used to refer to ALL forms of nonmonogamous sexuality (& even the vaguest merely-theoretical desire to explore such)... which includes polyamory.

This overinclusiveness swamps people who are testing the waters, seeking a sounding board, trying to learn the vocabulary.

Subsuming specific definable clades within the greater morass is just "melting pot" nonsense.

Polyfidelity is very specific.

Triads are very specific, as are vees (& I don't like to offhandedly lump them together BUT they do also have much in common).

FMF is very specific, & extremely common, if only as a fantasy -- open or closed, one-night-stand or Till Death, actual or "seeking" or "curious" or "hoping someday."

And, who knows? Maybe there IS an occasional HBB looking for a couple...
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Old 02-24-2017, 12:46 PM
SW1231 SW1231 is offline
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As a new member of this forum, and as a person in her first polyamorous "relationship(s)", I would find this incredibly helpful, and frankly, much less discouraging.
Thank you, Ravenscroft....
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