More of me trying to understand

Have you tried telling your bf that you'd prefer he not use hierarchical language that reinforces a monogamous mindset?


The thing is, when he uses this type of language to express his feelings for me, it makes me feel reassured and happy.
 
Not over saturating you with details about his other relationships is good. You don't need that.

But I meant ask him to say a plain "I love you" rather than "You are the love of my life."

The first is just expressing love. The second is expressing you hold a "position" and now you have to worry about falling off the pedestal.

Galagirl


The problem, and I think this is a big problem, is that I want to be on that pedestal. And sometimes he makes me feel that way, and that is when I am most content.
 
I am feeling a bit of the same feelings. I understand polyamory in theory, I think there are wonderful benefits, but when it comes to the reality I'm not sure it is for me. Are you at all interested in finding a 2nd partner for yourself?

Have you determined what the true feeling behind your jealousy is? A fear of him leaving? Neglect? Loss of time? Once that can be identified I think it's easier to work on the jealousy, but it is tough. It is really hard for me to not think of my husband being with another woman when I know he is.


I am trying to find another partner. But I am just not really interested. My heart is always with him. So I'm trying to force myself to date and get out there. It's miserable.
 
The problem, and I think this is a big problem, is that I want to be on that pedestal.

That sounds to me like you want monogamy. To be the one and only doted on. And there is NOTHING wrong with wanting that.

I am trying to find another partner. But I am just not really interested. My heart is always with him. So I'm trying to force myself to date and get out there. It's miserable.

Perhaps being monogamous -- you already have your 1 Sweetie spot filled by him.

So you just aren't going to be interested in dating others until you empty the spot. :(

Are you trying to find someone else to be like the exit strategy from this relationship? So you don't have to break up and be alone in between?

Galagirl
 
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The thing is, when he uses this type of language to express his feelings for me, it makes me feel reassured and happy.

The problem, and I think this is a big problem, is that I want to be on that pedestal. And sometimes he makes me feel that way, and that is when I am most content.

Are you trading momentary reassurance and satisfaction for long-term security? Because to me, these statements undermine my sense of security. Like galagirl said, they make me feel like I'm on a pedestal that I'm likely to fall off of. I didn't realize it at first. Like you, I found those statements reassuring. But it's a false sense of security that leaves me uneasy. Now, I work on being secure in myself. Secure in the knowledge that as much as I love Blue, as much as I want to be with him, if we weren't together, I'd still be ok.
 
Are you trying to find someone else to be like the exit strategy from this relationship? So you don't have to break up and be alone in between?

Galagirl

No, that's not my reasoning at all. I don't want to exit. I really don't know why I'm bothering to date others. Seems like I should try to see what poly is like. But my heart is his. So it's been futile.
 
Are you trading momentary reassurance and satisfaction for long-term security? Because to me, these statements undermine my sense of security. Like galagirl said, they make me feel like I'm on a pedestal that I'm likely to fall off of. I didn't realize it at first. Like you, I found those statements reassuring. But it's a false sense of security that leaves me uneasy. Now, I work on being secure in myself. Secure in the knowledge that as much as I love Blue, as much as I want to be with him, if we weren't together, I'd still be ok.


Here's the problem. If we weren't together, I would not be ok. He would be, but I would not. I know this. That's a painful fact.
 
Here's the problem. If we weren't together, I would not be ok. He would be, but I would not. I know this. That's a painful fact.

Well there's your problem. What do you need to feel secure in the knowledge that you'd be ok without him (or any man for that fact)? Is it a financial thing? If so, work out a plan and take steps towards financial security. If it's a loneliness thing, take up hobbies, make new friends, etc. Because YES, breaking up does hurt. It can be very painful but it's not usually terminal.

Have you been in relationships that ended before? How did you survive those breakups? I think if we want to feel secure in a relationship, that starts by being secure in ourselves.
 
Well there's your problem. What do you need to feel secure in the knowledge that you'd be ok without him (or any man for that fact)? Is it a financial thing? If so, work out a plan and take steps towards financial security. If it's a loneliness thing, take up hobbies, make new friends, etc. Because YES, breaking up does hurt. It can be very painful but it's not usually terminal.

Have you been in relationships that ended before? How did you survive those breakups? I think if we want to feel secure in a relationship, that starts by being secure in ourselves.


I am going through a divorce. It was an abusive marriage. He helped me find the strength to get away. I feel very dependent on him. He knows this as well. I'm completely insecure.
 
I am going through a divorce. It was an abusive marriage. He helped me find the strength to get away. I feel very dependent on him. He knows this as well. I'm completely insecure.

Baby steps. Are you in counseling? Or a support group? Figure out what you need to feel secure and start working on that, one small step at a time.
 
Here's the problem. If we weren't together, I would not be ok. He would be, but I would not. I know this. That's a painful fact.


Ah, but that is not a fact. He loves you. Why would he be ok if you weren't together? Poly is not about having backup plans. I love my partners. If one of them broke it off it would be very tough on me.
 
Ah, but that is not a fact. He loves you. Why would he be ok if you weren't together? Poly is not about having backup plans. I love my partners. If one of them broke it off it would be very tough on me.

Well, he's actually told me this. If I felt I wanted to leave him, he said he would understand.
 
Understanding why you might want to leave is not equal to wanting you to leave, nor is it the same as being happy you were gone. He'd live if you were not together, but so would you. I doubt he would be at all happy if you were to decide you didn't want to be with him.
 
Understanding why you might want to leave is not equal to wanting you to leave, nor is it the same as being happy you were gone. He'd live if you were not together, but so would you. I doubt he would be at all happy if you were to decide you didn't want to be with him.

Thank you. I have never seen him unhappy about anything. And he's never said anything to that point that he would miss me or anything. So I still have my doubts. I do idolize his stoic nature. I am the absolute complete opposite.
 
I think that's pretty good evidence that he wants you in his life. I can't imagine he'd be happy to lose you. Understanding why you might want to leave him is an acknowledgement that you are a free woman and he's not going to lock you in a basement to keep you, but I'd bet it isn't meant to make you feel dispensible. I understand many things that I don't want to happen.
 
Well, he's actually told me this. If I felt I wanted to leave him, he said he would understand.

As was pointed out, those two things are not the same. I run into this problem with Cat quite a lot. I say one thing and she totally hears something different. It is very frustrating.
 
Re (from Lostbasil):
"What I need from me: to stop feeling so possessive and jealous."

Some links to help out:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

And there's a book you can read, "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.
 
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