Hello - from the 1st wife aka Original

newpoly1stwife

New member
I am Jenn, and my husband and I recently made the decision to live a poly life. He has had many affairs in t past yet was never receptive of having an open relationship until recently. He has a girlfriend, who I recently met. I am having some jealousy issues surrounding my fear of abandonment. Their lack of concern and respect for my feelings right now is causing some concerns for me. They were already in the affair when the decision was made to do this. I have been very accommodating in trying to help and allow them to build a base for their relationship, even allowing him to divide time between our home and family and her home.

I am here looking for suggestions on how to make this a successful choice, although I know it will require them as well. Also possibly some ways to approach having different boundaries that will be respected.
 
Hi and welcome,

How long have you been married? how many kids.

Have you gotten any counseling for the cheating and affairs?

Have you express how hurtful their lack concern for your feelings is to you.

Are you looking forward and planning to find other partners?
 
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There is a ton of reading available to you here. Welcome and I hope that you find the answers you seek.

I think the first requirement you will need to make this work is to heal the wounds already present from hubbys past cheating. That will require both of you being willing to do the work and be completely honest with each other. I certainly don't know you or your situation so please don't be offended but I am already worried for you. I wonder if you are truly open to poly or if this is the way you can feel like you will be kept in the loop by your hubs. Like I said, please forgive me if I am way off base. I'd just really love to come here one day and read that you and hubby now have excellent communication and trust has been re-established and that your lives are going swimmingly.
 
Hello and thank you

We have been married for 18 years and have 3 children. I was 19 when we married.

We have done counseling a few times over the years but never made it past 3 sessions as he always says they just tell him its all his fault and I do nothing wrong. Although that has never really happened and the last time (about 8 years ago) the 3 weeks were filled with homework that was more specific to me and negativity issues I was having. Although he did agree last night to go again.

Yes I did last night again as a matter of a fact. She began screaming at me because I was breaking the rules by contacting him during her time. The rule was he had to be available for contact and was not allowed to turn his phone off when he was staying at her house. I know this current relationship is not going to work, I have found her to be manipulative and she tells me things to make me feel bad and create doubt in not only my worth but in my relationship. When he gets home today we are going to have a deep heart to heart and I am going to let him know that she is not right for our mix. If she was truly interested in helping him grow, she would listen to him and help him work through things and look at the bigger picture instead of taking a small gripe he has and picking at it until it is a large oozing life threatening hole. She has no interest in being respectful to my concerns. I as the only one who made any concessions in the arrangements.

I had considered it, right now I dont want an additional relationship. I have to much other things in life that require my attention.
 
I take no offense, I agree we need to heal things. I was actually the first to bring up the idea years ago, but he was never very receptive. I am open to an honest poly, although this current situation definitely turned into one I quickly became uncomfortable with. I did not know there were ground rules and boundaries I could set. And once I did she because very possessive and unwilling to agree to anything less than 2 consecutive days (at least she really pushed for more) with me not contacting them at all during those days.
 
How was this decided.....after his being caught again? How are the children handling the time split issue ...not to mention the whole poly thing?
 
I had a feeling he was cheating a few weeks ago, but then thought it was my insecurity and stress (I was just finishing a hard semester in my career program) After we discussed it and decided it was something we wanted to explore I asked so whats your girlfriends name, and it was the one I thought he was cheating with a few weeks ago. The kids think he is on a photoshoot out of town, he is a photographer. If they think anything different they have not said and thats one thing I can count on with them is they tell me just about everything, especially our 10 yo. Honestly we havent discussed it with them as everything moved so quickly.

The more I have been researching I think what she presented to him as poly is different from what is the case and thats why she is being so resistent with meeting and setting boundaries. Her attitude yesterday was been the only changes can be in her favor.
I know it seems like I am defending him and blaming her solely, I am not he is at fault too, he could have chose to answer his phone when I called. He could have chose to discuss this with me even when it made her mad. He could have chosen to not have an affair. We are actually all at fault, I should have researched more as well because what I had believed was poly is different as well, however the honesty and communication of all involved was not. I should not have agreed to things I was not completely comfortable with, while I was trying to make them happy.

I do want an open poly, but I also know right now is not the right time and this woman is not the right woman. I plan on sticking around the board and learning more as there were many excellent relationship suggestions from people who have lived it, not just some person who has never been married who has written some rules and had a good publisher.
 
Good for you for being proactive!
Be prepared for his being resistant to letting her go. She is apparently already very possessive and manipulating. This is not going to be easy...but you know that.

One of the worst detriments to poly (in my over inflated personal opinion) is people who proudly proclaim the label but don't really do any research or self education about what poly really is.( I am not casting judgement as I have had my own personal humbling as I started out on this life). If the girlfriend is calling herself poly yet acting as you have described...then she fits into the above category.
I applaud you for searching for more information. Perhaps your hubby would be willing to do some reading or be open to attending some sort of poly gathering? Having some form of support is always a great idea.
It is sad that open honest communication isn't the foundation of the new relationship. She sounds like a cowgirl....another new word that I first heard of here on this board.

Good luck.
 
lol I love the term. When he gets home tonight after I talk I am going to show him all the information I found and the way it really is. I think once he sees how it is supposed to be and its him and I talking not the 3 of us then he may get some of what I have been saying and asking the past few days. She has not allowed him and I to have any significant alone time since I met her the other day. Until yesterday I was dealing with everything myself, I found a local friend who is in an open relationship (I never knew and have known her and her husband for years) we went and had tea and talked about it. As I said the words, not just wrote them, I began to see things clearly. I understood how I needed to change it.
 
We have done counseling a few times over the years but never made it past 3 sessions as he always says they just tell him its all his fault and I do nothing wrong. Although that has never really happened.
If he is hearing this and the therapist isn't saying it, then it's his own internal voice that is telling him this.

If he is cheating on you by having a relationship with someone that you know nothing about and haven't agreed to then in my opinion is IT all his actions which are to blame for the cheating. Now, he may have reasons to cheat - a rough relationship, etc - but his decision to do something outside of your relationship agreement is 100% his - nobody forced him into it. I have no patience for the line "I had no choice but to cheat" - that's utter crap.

If you and he have issues in your relationship, and it really sounds like you do, then this is the absolute worst time to be exploring poly. If, in addition, he has a cowgirl chasing him down, then all that's going to do is make your and his relationship even more strained and more difficult to get back on track... it's sounding like this is already happening - it's not in her interests to make this work - she wants him for herself (assuming she really is a cowgirl, that is).

For me, an important part of poly is that each person have a great deal of respect for the other relationships in the configuration. It can't work if that isn't there.

It sounds like thing are completely out of control in your life and relationship, and it really urgently needs to be brought back under control before you can start complicating it with others.
 
I totally agree. I admit I entered this blindly with what I thought poly was, he entered based on what she had suggested to him. Things have gotten out of control in our relationship. I am waiting for him to get home so we can get back on track as trying to talk on the phone with him at her place is not productive. I feel she is definitely a cowgirl (I am just learning about this term) and hopefully when he is away from her and takes a review of the past few days he will see just how she played us both against each other.

We have had problems in the past and I honestly thought things were going so much better, so did our friends and family. Many times in the past few months many people had commented that they had never seen us so happy and relaxed, so when I started to suspect the affair I think I talked myself into thinking I was wrong.
 
Hi Jenn,

Although it's a little late for me to say it, can I just offer you my welcome to the forum.

Re (from Post #1):
"He has had many affairs in the past yet was never receptive of having an open relationship until recently."

It sounds like he has gotten rather comfortable with the "cheating model" of conducting a relationship, and he may not take well to the idea that he needs to not have any outside relationships for awhile while he does some mending of fences with you. However, I do agree with the others that he needs to concentrate on his relationship with you for awhile, not be off having fun with some other woman.

I'd say different if he'd already been conscientious and his relationship with you was good and on solid ground. But if you are feeling like you have no say-so in anything he does, that's a sign (to me) that he's been, well, neglecting you.

I'd still get that couple's counseling if I were you, as long as he's willing to do it. You and he should try to get to the bottom of what has been fueling his pattern of affairs. Is there something about you that he's not happy with? If so, he should put that on the table.

I think your attitude is amazing and patient, and he's lucky to have you. Keep researching on poly, and stick to your guns when it comes to asking for reasonable boundaries. You deserve to be treated like your feelings matter.

I'm glad you're with us here on Polyamory.com. I hope we can be of some help to you along the way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you Kevin.
He is home now and we have been talking a lot. I explained that while polyamory is still what I feel is right for us, right now is not the time. I voiced my concerns that we need to work on us and the other relationship needs to at least be put on hiatus, and I can not agree to any more overnights at this time. He is receptive and we have done a lot of us time and work. We laid out some new house rules and relationship rules. He addressed concerns he had about me that I was unaware of and vice versa. It was painful although not nearly as painful as the past 2 nights had been for me. Neither of us have spoken with the gf at this time, she did send me a text which ended with her asking for us to be friends. I have yet to respond as I have to many emotions and might just say the wrong thing LOL.

That being said I am very glad I found this site, I have found it welcoming, educational, and even though my situation is dysfunctional I have not been made to feel bad for my choices in any area. I want to thank you all for that. Once the garden him and I both let go has been weeded and is fruitful again we may revisit our feelings and change it to an active poly relationship, right now we agree to leave it as a dormant poly relationship, with no more affairs. Its a start and every story has to have one :)


Hi Jenn,

Although it's a little late for me to say it, can I just offer you my welcome to the forum.

Re (from Post #1):


It sounds like he has gotten rather comfortable with the "cheating model" of conducting a relationship, and he may not take well to the idea that he needs to not have any outside relationships for awhile while he does some mending of fences with you. However, I do agree with the others that he needs to concentrate on his relationship with you for awhile, not be off having fun with some other woman.

I'd say different if he'd already been conscientious and his relationship with you was good and on solid ground. But if you are feeling like you have no say-so in anything he does, that's a sign (to me) that he's been, well, neglecting you.

I'd still get that couple's counseling if I were you, as long as he's willing to do it. You and he should try to get to the bottom of what has been fueling his pattern of affairs. Is there something about you that he's not happy with? If so, he should put that on the table.

I think your attitude is amazing and patient, and he's lucky to have you. Keep researching on poly, and stick to your guns when it comes to asking for reasonable boundaries. You deserve to be treated like your feelings matter.

I'm glad you're with us here on Polyamory.com. I hope we can be of some help to you along the way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
That sounds like a good start to me. Glad to hear he's been receptive about your concerns.
 
update

Hi all, I had lost my book mark and finally found an email to refind the page.

I set my foot down in regards to the girlfriend, and while that has been a rough road my husband and I are working on us. We still desire a poly relationship but I know it could never be with that woman. Right now my husband says I will probably say that about anyone he gets involved with but I have tried explaining that #1 if we entered it honestly and #2 as a joint agreement and #3 respect was maintained it could work very well. Even with the horrible experience I noted above I still really feel it is the best relationship type for us. So I guess my reason for coming and posting is that I am looking for ideas and suggestions for when we do look in the future. I know each situation is different but are there any basic 'rules or guidelines' we can reference for success.
 
I see a pattern of your husband doing what he wants, and you reluctantly learning to accept it...

...or just plain putting up with it. What is going on with that?


That pattern is mixed thoroughly into your relationship. My guess is its been there your entire relationship. That will have to change to respect and balance before anything poly will work. The girlfriend probably sensed the "I can do anything I want" part of your husband and her innate bad attitude toward "the wife" decided it was a great opportunity to move in on you. That's why I say you both need to be in a place of respect for your marriage and balance. Both of you includes him, btw.

I agree you two are not ready yet.
 
I know each situation is different but are there any basic 'rules or guidelines' we can reference for success.

I suggest that you both read "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. Read it together and discuss it. The author also makes some excellent checklists available on her website, which you can find here: http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Also, if you have specific questions, start a new thread and invite your hubs to join and participate. And you can always check out the Golden Nuggets section of this forum for more resources.
 
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