poly relationship with another couple

jones

New member
me and my partner are in a relationship with a bi couple, we are both bi so we see them both but I am finding it really hard to get my head around my bf relationship with the girl please help me move pass this so I can be happy for them both :(
 
just to add, at the start of the relationship there were a lot of lying to me and her bf, he fell in love with her and didn't tell me before he told her, we see other people and I am fine with him sleeping with other people but it has gotten hard when love and lie got involved x
 
Lying is quite often a major barrier to the trust that is required in order to have a good, happy relationship. It takes a lot of work on the part of the people that lied to try to mend that.

Have you talked about this with them? Talked about how, because of what happened, you are struggling to trust them? If so, what was their reaction?

Here is an article on the concept of an Emotional Bank Account which I have found very useful in understanding this sort of dynamic. http://www.lifetrainingonline.com/blog/the-emotional-bank-account.htm

I think it might explain some of what you have been facing - maybe it can help you get a better handle on things to communicate your needs to your partners.

This stuff is very difficult, and requires real teamwork from all involved to make work again.
 
From what I can gather you were not bothered by the sexual components of your boyfriend's other relationships - but your boyfriend fell in love with this woman without keeping you informed of the changing nature of the relationship, in fact lying about it.

What is the nature of your "relationship" with this other couple (i.e. was it originally intended to be a swinging/sexual relationship only)? Did this relationship come into place before your boyfriend fell for this woman or as a result of it?

Had you and he talked about polyamory and what might happen if someone fell in love with an outside sexual partner prior to this?

On this forum there is a lot of focus on honesty and communication being essential to healthy loving relationships. Lying at the start is certainly a hurdle to overcome - however, if you two had never discussed the possibilities of love entering the equation you may have had different expectations of "when" it was appropriate to disclose that development. Is lying about relationships a pattern of his? Has the lying stopped?

You will find many stories here and advice given to others who were struggling with their feelings about their significant other having feelings for someone else. If you could give us some insight as to what "in particular" is bothering you about his relationship with her people could offer specific advise.

JaneQ
 
Lying is quite often a major barrier to the trust that is required in order to have a good, happy relationship. It takes a lot of work on the part of the people that lied to try to mend that.

Have you talked about this with them? Talked about how, because of what happened, you are struggling to trust them? If so, what was their reaction?

I have spoke to my bf and the girl, my bf says its in the past and I need to get over and I need to forgive him and forget about it. the girl says I need to be happy etc but she knows that I am uncomfortable with her doing certain things but she doesn't stop, its so hard because I love her too but sometimes I hate her. I am struggling that they lied and what if they lie again.

my bf doesn't want anymore children but she risked getting pregnant with his child, they didn't use a condom and she had to take the pill and didn't tell her bf in order to protect her relationship with my bf and now her bf thinks she miscarried. She said once that her bf wouldn't mind being a father regardless of who the father was but what about me or my children.

it seems like they care but they just want me to get over it so they can be happy....


Here is an article on the concept of an Emotional Bank Account which I have found very useful in understanding this sort of dynamic. http://www.lifetrainingonline.com/blog/the-emotional-bank-account.htm

I think it might explain some of what you have been facing - maybe it can help you get a better handle on things to communicate your needs to your partners.

This stuff is very difficult, and requires real teamwork from all involved to make work again.

thanks for replying xx
 
From what I can gather you were not bothered by the sexual components of your boyfriend's other relationships - but your boyfriend fell in love with this woman without keeping you informed of the changing nature of the relationship, in fact lying about it.

What is the nature of your "relationship" with this other couple (i.e. was it originally intended to be a swinging/sexual relationship only)? Did this relationship come into place before your boyfriend fell for this woman or as a result of it?

when we first started this, it was just sex, I started to see the guy and then the girl, we had joint meets and 1on1 meets, I told my bf that I loved them and I was scared about telling them, I told the girl two days after my bf told her (but I didn't know at the time) and told the guy a few days later but he doesn't love me, he cares about me a lot but we think he cant express his emotions. so the relationship started before he told her but it was decided by my bf and her that this was happening and we were in relationship, no really asked me what I thought about it.


Had you and he talked about polyamory and what might happen if someone fell in love with an outside sexual partner prior to this?

we talked about it but I don't want a ploy relationship as such, whenever we talk about days out, he invites them or holidays, he says he wants them to come, it feels like we have lost our small family unit... we have been together nearly ten years but he compares them in the same light as me and I wish I was more important

On this forum there is a lot of focus on honesty and communication being essential to healthy loving relationships. Lying at the start is certainly a hurdle to overcome - however, if you two had never discussed the possibilities of love entering the equation you may have had different expectations of "when" it was appropriate to disclose that development. Is lying about relationships a pattern of his? Has the lying stopped?

he has lied a lot in our relationship and that was why I was so hurt, to my knowledge yes but I can't be sure...


You will find many stories here and advice given to others who were struggling with their feelings about their significant other having feelings for someone else. If you could give us some insight as to what "in particular" is bothering you about his relationship with her people could offer specific advise.

JaneQ

thanks for replying x
 
Last edited:
This idea that you need to "get over it" is insulting to you and your feelings. They hurt you by lying to you, and they need to go a long way towards helping you mend it.

If they care so little about you that they are not willing to do this, then I think that you need to question whether this is really a good relationship for you.
 
This idea that you need to "get over it" is insulting to you and your feelings. They hurt you by lying to you, and they need to go a long way towards helping you mend it.

If they care so little about you that they are not willing to do this, then I think that you need to question whether this is really a good relationship for you.


thanks for replying it s so hard cos I love them all....
if I told my bf I want to stop, he won't be happy and may go behind my back, sometimes I know they have had sex and I don't want to see her or have joint sessions where I have to watch them have sex, the girl's bf feels the same and he feels my bf rubs it in that he is sleeping with her and he is better than her bf, me and her bf are so alike with how we feel about this but we don't want to lose each other if we say anything
 
This really isn't sounding very healthy for you - a lot of the way you word things sound like you are sort of feeling like you have no choice and they are trying to make you do things that you aren't completely comfortable doing, in the interests of staying together - am I reading this wrongly, or are you sort of feeling this way?
 
This really isn't sounding very healthy for you - a lot of the way you word things sound like you are sort of feeling like you have no choice and they are trying to make you do things that you aren't completely comfortable doing, in the interests of staying together - am I reading this wrongly, or are you sort of feeling this way?

I do feel like it was decided for me and as much as I love them all. I have my bf of nine years and our children and now it feels like they are trying to get in, they see my children as well and we have days out, I just want time just for us but my bf invites j and b to everything.

sometimes I want to hang out as friends but j and my bf make me feel uncomfortable by talking sexually or touching her or she touches him. I am so unhappy but I don't know how to get pass it, my bf says if we can make it work it can be amazing but I feel like with the lies and hurt they have caused they don't deserve to see each other
 
I agree with CDM - this does not sound like a healthy relationship for you at all.

There are a great number of red flags here:

jones said:
my bf says its in the past and I need to get over and I need to forgive him and forget about it. the girl says I need to be happy etc but she knows that I am uncomfortable with her doing certain things but she doesn't stop

Two people who allegedly care about you are basically dismissing your fears and misgivings. Per your posts, you have been repeatedly lied to and fear that if you put the brakes on that they will go behind your back and lie to you some more. Your fears and misgivings are VALID - and need to be addressed, not dismissed.

jones said:
my bf doesn't want anymore children but she risked getting pregnant with his child, they didn't use a condom and she had to take the pill and didn't tell her bf in order to protect her relationship with my bf and now her bf thinks she miscarried

Whoa! If your boyfriend doesn't want anymore children, it is HIS responsibility as much as hers to take steps to avoid this. Decisions about birth control and condom use for STI prevention affect ALL FOUR of you. By risking an STD by having unprotected sex with her he has made a vital decision to risk your health without the consent of the other people affected (you, her boyfriend, any other sexual partners that you all have). And she LIES to her bf about taking the morning after pill to cover this up? Sounds like their relationship is on troubled grounds as well.

jones said:
I don't want to see her or have joint sessions where I have to watch them have sex

jones said:
sometimes I want to hang out as friends but j and my bf make me feel uncomfortable by talking sexually or touching her or she touches him

You should never (really...NEVER) have to feel pressured into participating in or "having" to witness sexual activity that you don't want...EVER.

Some people are quite comfortable seeing their partners touching and flirting with their other partners - other people have boundaries and temporary rules based on what they are comfortable with at that point in their relationships.

It is often said here that people should try to "go at the pace of the slowest person". It sounds like you are trying to come to a place of comfort (you are here asking how to do just that) but they they are running rough-shod over your and her boyfriend's feelings without consideration. Yes, NRE, can make people do some pretty insensitive things BUT the response, when confronted, should be apologies and a desire to take things at a slower pace while comfort and trust forms - NOT telling the person who is suffering to "get over it". Jeesh!

jones said:
(a string of things from different posts) I told my bf that I loved them and I was scared about telling them, I told the girl two days after my bf told her (but I didn't know at the time) and told the guy a few days later...its so hard because I love her too but sometimes I hate her...it s so hard cos I love them all.... I do feel like it was decided for me and as much as I love them all. I have my bf of nine years and our children and now it feels like they are trying to get in, they see my children as well and we have days out, I just want time just for us but my bf invites j and b to everything

jones said:
we talked about it but I don't want a ploy relationship as such, whenever we talk about days out, he invites them or holidays, he says he wants them to come, it feels like we have lost our small family unit... we have been together nearly ten years but he compares them in the same light as me and I wish I was more important

Actually, it sounds like you may want a poly relationship - you talk about your love for all of them. However, your bf's version of poly seems to be to ignore your concerns and invite her and her boyfriend right into the middle of your family over your objections. There are many ways to "do poly" (read these boards for the infinite varieties). Some people have multiple relationships that are largely independent other than the other partners knowing about each other, others do have fully integrated extended chosen families with everyone being on the same level and with everyone's consent and full approval.

jones said:
my bf says if we can make it work it can be amazing

It CAN be amazing - BUT "making it work" takes a lot of, well, WORK. And that doesn't mean just telling you to essentially "suck it up". It means listening to everyone and coming to agreements/arrangements that everyone is on board with. Communicating. Working at the pace of the person who is struggling the most. It doesn't mean that he gets to, dictatorially, just decide how the relationships are going to work and then tell everyone else to march to his drum.

Sounds like he would benefit from doing some reading here on "foundations" and "boundaries".
 
Last edited:
I agree with CDM - this does not sound like a healthy relationship for you at all.

There are a great number of red flags here:



Two people who allegedly care about you are basically dismissing your fears and misgivings. Per your posts, you have been repeatedly lied to and fear that if you put the brakes on that they will go behind your back and lie to you some more. Your fears and misgivings are VALID - and need to be addressed, not dismissed.



Whoa! If your boyfriend doesn't want anymore children, it is HIS responsibility as much as hers to take steps to avoid this. Decisions about birth control and condom use for STI prevention affect ALL FOUR of you. By risking an STD by having unprotected sex with her he has made a vital decision to risk your health without the consent of the other people affected (you, her boyfriend, any other sexual partners that you all have). And she LIES to her bf about taking the morning after pill to cover this up? Sounds like their relationship is on troubled grounds as well.

yes I made this point, I also made the point that if she did get pregnant what would she say to her bf, more lies? her and her bf fight a lot, they have their own rules and she doesn't respect them including not using a condom and having sex in certain places in their house, she doesn't tell him so when I talk about it as I think he knows, he gets upset....



You should never (really...NEVER) have to feel pressured into participating in or "having" to witness sexual activity that you don't want...EVER.

Some people are quite comfortable seeing their partners touching and flirting with their other partners - other people have boundaries and temporary rules based on what they are comfortable with at that point in their relationships.


the hard thing is I don't know if it seeing my bf with her or any women, I have no problem seeing him with her bf and I have no problem hearing about him having sex with another woman he has slept with...

It is often said here that people should try to "go at the pace of the slowest person". It sounds like you are trying to come to a place of comfort (you are here asking how to do just that) but they they are running rough-shod over your and her boyfriend's feelings without consideration. Yes, NRE, can make people do some pretty insensitive things BUT the response, when confronted, should be apologies and a desire to take things at a slower pace while comfort and trust forms - NOT telling the person who is suffering to "get over it". Jeesh!

we have decided that we are going to write down what our do and don't are and share them with the couple so everyone knows what they shouldn't do...


Actually, it sounds like you may want a poly relationship - you talk about your love for all of them. However, your bf's version of poly seems to be to ignore your concerns and invite her and her boyfriend right into the middle of your family over your objections. There are many ways to "do poly" (read these boards for the infinite varieties). Some people have multiple relationships that are largely independent other than the other partners knowing about each other, others do have fully integrated extended chosen families with everyone being on the same level and with everyone's consent and full approval.

I do love the idea of a poly relationship, I don't mind us having days out with them, the kids love them but the girl is bossy and she jumps to tell our children off etc before we have a chance to deal with it in our way..


It CAN be amazing - BUT "making it work" takes a lot of, well, WORK. And that doesn't mean just telling you to essentially "suck it up". It means listening to everyone and coming to agreements/arrangements that everyone is on board with. Communicating. Working at the pace of the person who is struggling the most. It doesn't mean that he gets to, dictatorially, just decide how the relationships are going to work and then tell everyone else to march to his drum.

Sounds like he would benefit from doing some reading here on "foundations" and "boundaries".

thank you I have spoke to him and he will do some reading thanks xx
 
This idea that you need to "get over it" is insulting to you and your feelings. They hurt you by lying to you, and they need to go a long way towards helping you mend it.

If they care so little about you that they are not willing to do this, then I think that you need to question whether this is really a good relationship for you.



This is exactly the advice I would give as well. From what the OP has told us, it sounds like this relationship is not off to a good start. Also, "just get over it" is NEVER an acceptable response, if you give a damn about the other person at all.
 
Back
Top