I feel... calm? Is that right?

Kyle, I do have to say that reading what I have read here, it seems to me like you are handling this beautifully. I only hope that when my turn to let XIV experience someone else comes, (fairly soon... as he and a guy he likes are getting coffee as soon as they pick a day) I handle it well.

I do hope she is making an effort to make you feel loved and needed while she is with her boyfriend, though. Hope the next couple days just get easier!
 
Wow, this thread blew up rather quickly. Everyone needs to calm down and just take a step back. I'll address some of the points I've read.

This morning I texted my wife and apologized for the comment about being broken by Monday. She said she knew that's who I am and didn't think anything of it. I live in a life of sarcasm and I think it bothers her from time to time but in this instance she knew I was just being me.

I do think it's harder for me than it is for her. She is going to bed with someone and waking up with someone and kissing and holding hands and hugging. I haven't had any affection all week. I am typically categorized as the female in our relationship because I am very needy and respond to touch. She prefers to be left alone. That she is with someone isn't my issue. That I have gone two days without saying I love you out loud or holding her is. But I'm a big boy and I haven't always been married so I know how to cope. I have no doubt that this is incredibly difficult for her as well but I think it's very silly to think the person that is in an amazing new place with a new friend and seeing touristy stuff is as equally lonely. If I were the one gone I would totally expect her to be the more upset of the two of us.

I don't have the kids here (grandparents! Yay!) but I am still in my house with all of my memories. I have been amazingly busy every day without any sort of downtime because I know my personality and I know of I stop for even a second it could mean I start to dwell and then just eat at myself. Does this mean I'm not ok with the situation? Absolutely not. It means that I know how to deal with my fears and I'm doing what's necessary to keep them at bay. I'm glad she's having fun. She told me its simply amazing out there. Good! I would hate to have her go and be miserable. I've told her that many times. I love her. Nothing will change that so why spend my time upset?

I appreciate everything you guys have said. There was a small misunderstanding but let's put it behind us alright? There's no need for any of you to get upset. I like the various viewpoints. It gives me perspective. That's why I wrote here. I would like to make friends on here, not cause fueds. :)

Edit: I frequently believe that my wife isn't giving me enough attention. Then she brings it to my attention that she has in fact done exactly what I wanted but I spend so much time worrying that I miss it when she is doing what I want. It's been one of the major things I've been working on in my life. If I made it seem like she has been ignoring me, she hasn't. She's busy, as is to be expected in one's first time in a new city. She still finds time to text. I really am doing quite well. Thanks again for the support everyone.
 
Last edited:
SourGirl, I meant I have only seen that particular phrasing posted by men in that out of the blue context. And as early on in poly I would think of my husband as off having sex, which is a neutral non emotionally weighted term for me. However if we were having a fight/passing a new scary boundary my anger/fear would change my viewpoint to him being "off fucking". Anyway, unless any OP writes about their partner being off fucking/screwing or whatever, it just seems odd and potentially hurtful to use that phrasing.

Sorry for the continued derailment KyleKat! I was wondering, do you have at least one or two times scheduled for your wife to be able to take a bit of time out to talk on the phone? Texts are great but you SHOULD be able to tell her you love her out loud. Every day if that will make you feel better. You can keep the conversations short if you worry that you're butting into her vacation, but it's really important to ask for what you want or need, especially at the beginning, to make sure you getting the habit of working actively to get your needs and wants met.

You do seem to be doing well, I remember early nights of no sleep and uncertainty about how weird it was going to be to see my (ex)husband after HIS flight home after that first time he had sex with somebody (it was). If things get stressful you can just netflix "The Human Centipede" or something to get your mind off stuff ;)
 
I do think it's harder for me than it is for her. She is going to bed with someone and waking up with someone and kissing and holding hands and hugging. I haven't had any affection all week. I am typically categorized as the female in our relationship because I am very needy and respond to touch. She prefers to be left alone. That she is with someone isn't my issue. That I have gone two days without saying I love you out loud or holding her is. But I'm a big boy and I haven't always been married so I know how to cope. I have no doubt that this is incredibly difficult for her as well but I think it's very silly to think the person that is in an amazing new place with a new friend and seeing touristy stuff is as equally lonely. If I were the one gone I would totally expect her to be the more upset of the two of us.
Well, sure, it makes perfect sense that she wouldn't be "equally as lonely" as you, or feeling "more upset" than you if she's away with a new lover and having a good time. However, she isn't just away on a vacation by herself or with friends. My point was that, surely, every moment she is there, she is feeling the emotional impact of having crossed a line from monogamy to something else, and is processing emotions, coming up with questions, and doing some "heavy lifting" herself in handling the fact that the dynamics of your marriage have changed. It's so easy for other people to see the situation as one spouse off having fun and the other left home to look at four walls and cry. I was simply acknowledging that both of you are dealing with a radical shift in your relationship, but of course from your unique perspectives.

I do think you are handling this well, but I agree with Anneintherain that you don't have to bite your lip and keep yourself from asking for a daily check-in and the chance to say "I love you." Just because she's on vacation, doesn't mean she's somewhere in a vacuum and shouldn't be disturbed. If texting is enough for you, good, but if you feel you need more, ask for it.
 
Not sure, but it might have been easier if you had the kids at home with you at least some of the time, especially the older one (I think I read the youngest is just a baby). When my husband goes out of town, I use that time to do out of the ordinary things with the kids. Like, having a camp out the living room, a pizza making party, etc. After a while, the kids would start making a list or plans for the next time he was away.
 
Not sure, but it might have been easier if you had the kids at home with you at least some of the time, especially the older one (I think I read the youngest is just a baby). When my husband goes out of town, I use that time to do out of the ordinary things with the kids. Like, having a camp out the living room, a pizza making party, etc. After a while, the kids would start making a list or plans for the next time he was away.

I will have the kids for most of the day Saturday. The reason I don't have the kids is because I can't watch them and work and this was easier than getting a babysitter. But I agree it would have helped to have them around. I miss them.

As far as calling her, she hates talking on the phone. She doesn't call him either. I knew up front I probably wasn't going to get to hear her voice this week. It sucks but I have the rest of my life to tell her how much I love her.

Side note, I plan on buying her a build a bear. Did I already say this? Last time we were in Chicago she wanted one but I said no because of expenses. I'm going to head to pick her up a little early so I can get it for her.
 
As far as calling her, she hates talking on the phone. She doesn't call him either. I knew up front I probably wasn't going to get to hear her voice this week.

There is nothing wrong with calling her just to say "Good Morning" or "Good Night" and tell her you "just needed to hear her voice", or sending her a text and saying "I miss you, I NEED to hear your voice, call me when you have a 2 minutes." Speak up and let her know what you need, acknowledge that you know she doesn't like to speak on the phone, but that you need a little more than just a text message. Make a compromise you can both be comfortable with, because right now it sounds like you are just trying to "suck it up", when a small compromise could make it SO much better.
 
There is nothing wrong with calling her just to say "Good Morning" or "Good Night" and tell her you "just needed to hear her voice", or sending her a text and saying "I miss you, I NEED to hear your voice, call me when you have a 2 minutes." Speak up and let her know what you need, acknowledge that you know she doesn't like to speak on the phone, but that you need a little more than just a text message. Make a compromise you can both be comfortable with, because right now it sounds like you are just trying to "suck it up", when a small compromise could make it SO much better.

I have no doubt she would call me if I asked her. The point is that I always make her do what I wanted and we talked about it and I know she didn't have any intention of calling me. I don't want to go back on our discussions just because I like hearing her voice. I need to prove to myself as well as to her that when I say something I mean it. I've done a lot of saying one thing and doing another lately and it's been a big issue for us. I need to stick with my decisions. Next time she goes I will likely ask her to call me once a day just to say hi, love you, but this time is a test to see how we handle it and I want to be strong. :)
 
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for sharing this experience. I wish I had gotten to read about such a thing before I got to experience it for myself.

Thank you also for modeling so well thoughtfulness. You absolutely humble my inflated ego with how amazingly mature you are....my 42 year old self often judges that someone must not be very evolved yet if they are under a certain age...and the irony is always a good wake-up call for me to see people much younger than I who are more evolved than I am just yet. You rock!
 
I am typically categorized as the female in our relationship because I am very needy and respond to touch. She prefers to be left alone.
hey Kylekat. Have you looked at "The Five Love Languages?" Its a book that describes five love languages that we feel loved by. Being touched, cuddled, etc. is not a strictly "female" thing. For example, I live with two touch centric men and I am not. I am female. I have noted, from talking about this book, that most people feel loved when they are touched. You are one, and so are other men. Please consider your possible generalizations on this one...
 
Jesus. Over 1K views for this thread. That is amazing. I love you guys.

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for sharing this experience. I wish I had gotten to read about such a thing before I got to experience it for myself.

Thank you also for modeling so well thoughtfulness. You absolutely humble my inflated ego with how amazingly mature you are....my 42 year old self often judges that someone must not be very evolved yet if they are under a certain age...and the irony is always a good wake-up call for me to see people much younger than I who are more evolved than I am just yet. You rock!

It takes constant work. I am pretty immature when it comes to joking around (nothing funnier than a penis or butt joke) but I am pretty mature in other areas of my life. The majority of issues my wife and I have had in the past are the fact that I am not very helpful when it comes to chores and the like. Not because I don't want to do them, but because I am quite lazy. Being mature enough to work on the house and get things taken care of is very difficult for me.

As far as this situation, and emotions in general, I've always kind of considered myself more mature. I know the norms are that the younger you are the more ridiculous you are and a lot of that has to do with experience but another portion is mindset. I've always had one goal in mind: Have a family. I met that goal, and everything else is just gravy.

Thanks for taking the time to read the story. I'm always willing to discuss this event, or really anything, further as well. If you want to talk to me about anything just PM me. This is directed at anyone, not just the person I'm quoting. Talking is how I cope and I'd love to have someone I could talk to on a daily basis that understands how I feel. The people I talk to most are people that just don't understand. Le sigh.

hey Kylekat. Have you looked at "The Five Love Languages?" Its a book that describes five love languages that we feel loved by. Being touched, cuddled, etc. is not a strictly "female" thing. For example, I live with two touch centric men and I am not. I am female. I have noted, from talking about this book, that most people feel loved when they are touched. You are one, and so are other men. Please consider your possible generalizations on this one...

I have not looked at the book you mentioned. I know it's not strictly a female thing but that is how the general populace sees it. As it is said in TV, "That touchy feely crap". I have always been this way and I have come to terms with it a long time ago. I also learned that it's not male/female. It's unique to the person.

Edit: I now understand why they call alcohol a downer. I was offered a new job today (promotion, woot!) and it was a friend's birthday party so I went out and got blitz drunk. After a very long night (ended at 3 AM at a friend's house) I walked to my car (a very sobering walk) and as I neared my car (which was a damn long walk away lol) I realized how upset I was. Then I wondered why I was upset. So I thought about it, and I realized that I'm upset with the idea of them being together but when I actually consider that they are together, I am fine. What? Brain, stop fucking with me. Just because I soaked you in a terrible mess of alcohol for the past 9 hours is no reason for you to sabotage me. Luckily, I've already thought about this for days on hand so I was quickly able to rationalize that it was just the alcohol. Good thing because I was moments away from drunk dialing her.

Lesson number 30283 learned.

PS: I should mention that I never, ever get drunk. It took two drinks to get me drunk (crown and coke). The shot, and two more drinks later, and I don't remember any drinks after that. I think I was just picking up and drinking whatever I found at that point. I remember everything except drinking more drinks. They are sneaky! Like ninja drinks.
 
Last edited:
I can relate to your feeling a bit uncared for since your gf isn't communicating much during her trip. I text my gf when I fly... even right after I get thru security in the airport. And try to text within an hour of landing as well.

We generally text or IM about an hour a day total when apart. NRE shouldn't prevent this. If it would make you feel more comfortable and connected, you can surely request more communication. Express your feelings, ask her how she'd feel about being a bit more in touch, for the next time.

SoCalDoc, yeah, that was a bit crass, but I guess that's coming from your own deepest fears and imaginings. Are you speaking from compersion, or a place of jealousy?
 
I have not looked at the book you mentioned. I know it's not strictly a female thing but that is how the general populace sees it. As it is said in TV, "That touchy feely crap". I have always been this way and I have come to terms with it a long time ago. I also learned that it's not male/female. It's unique to the person.
The idea behind the 5 love languages is that, if people in relationships learn not only what their own primary language is, but also that of their partner, each of them can have more awareness about what the other needs, how they may or may not have met those needs to let the other know they are loved. Each partner can have a variety of percentages in each love language. It can bring more harmony to the relationship to understand where people are coming from and what they look for to feel loved. You don't need to buy the book to find out what love languages are predominant for you. You and your wife can both take the assessment online here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/. I never read the book but found the assessment illuminating.

...I went out and got blitz drunk. After a very long night (ended at 3 AM at a friend's house) I walked to my car (a very sobering walk) and as I neared my car (which was a damn long walk away lol) I realized how upset I was...I was moments away from drunk dialing her.
Oh dear, I'd rather to have seen you drunk-dialing her than drunk driving. Be careful!
 
Oh dear, I'd rather to have seen you drunk-dialing her than drunk driving. Be careful!

I do not drink and drive. I had sobered up by the time I reached my car. My mind wasn't clear (obviously) but my coordination and reaction times were fine. I had stopped drinking hours before and switched to water.

I went to get my children today. They are here with me now. I texted Katie this morning and told her to call sometime to speak with the kids and she said she was planning on it anyway. Then I caved and told her she could call me if she wanted to. We spoke for a little bit before she went back to sleep. I'm glad I said something, it made me feel a lot better, but I still wish I was able to hold out the entire time. :p Oh well. I don't think she read too much into it. She knows I miss her and she misses me too. :)
 
There are no "POLY Points" for suffering endurance ....Depending on your motivation for not wanting to talk with her ....caving might be the wrong way to look at it.

Was this your idea or hers? What was the logic or reason behind it.
 
There are no "POLY Points" for suffering endurance ....Depending on your motivation for not wanting to talk with her ....caving might be the wrong way to look at it.

Was this your idea or hers? What was the logic or reason behind it.

It's not about the poly. It's about not bugging her on her vacation. Her being with him has never really been the issue (which I think I've mentioned in this thread before but I can't remember). It's that I don't get to see her for a week. But it's a vacation from myself and the kids. She's stuck at home with them all day every day and she needed a break. If I'm calling her constantly and pulling her back here, she's not going to enjoy herself. We ended up talking on the phone three times today (two were necessary, one was the one I mentioned earlier where I caved) and it actually made it worse because I knew when I was hanging up each time that it may be the last time I get to talk to her until Tuesday. I need to learn to leave well enough alone and not be so selfish.

Too long, didn't read version: I am selfish and I don't like that about myself. Her not calling me has everything to do with me and nothing to do with her, as soon by the 3 phone calls we had today.

It is a pretty amazing thread so far!

Ha, thanks. More updates: I went to a concert I had been planning on going to for some time now. Holy shit. That's all I can say. It was more of a rave, I guess. Anyway, it was completely ridiculous. I was definitely able to keep my mind off current events for a little bit. I think I'll be going to more of those.
 
I'm new to this w more questions than answers. I had mentioned in another thread that my wife is bi, and I would enjoy it if she became romantically/sexually involved w another woman. But I would not accept/enjoy it if she wanted to be romantically/sexually involved w a man. This might seem like a contradiction, or some might say its related to insecurity, and maybe that's true. But it's mainly based on our concept of marriage and commitment. I enjoy the fact that my wife doesn't need/want intimacy w masculine energy beyond me/mine, doesn't need/want any cock but mine, etc. But obviously I can't give her the feminine energy and same sex experience she could have w another woman--this is so separate, and somehow that makes it easy for me to open up to this possibility.

But everyone is different, and I respect these differences.

I must admit though, I find myself wondering why guys get married if they plan to share their wives w other dudes. Maybe it's related to having kids or maybe the poly desires arise after they're married. This is probably just me layering my judgements and preferences onto other people.
 
Last edited:
I'm new to this w more questions than answers. I had mentioned in another thread that my wife is bi, and I would enjoy it if she became romantically/sexually involved w another woman. But I would not accept/enjoy it if she wanted to be romantically/sexually involved w a man. This might seem like a contradiction, or some might say its related to insecurity, and maybe that's true. But it's mainly based on our concept of marriage and commitment. I enjoy the fact that my wife doesn't need/want intimacy w masculine energy beyond me/mine, doesn't need/want any cock but mine, etc. But obviously I can't give her the feminine energy and same sex experience she could have w another woman--this is so separate, and somehow that makes it easy for me to open up to this possibility.

But everyone is different, and I respect these differences.

I must admit though, I find myself wondering why guys get married if they plan to share their wives w other dudes. Maybe it's related to having kids or maybe the poly desires arise after they're married. This is probably just me layering my judgements and preferences onto other people.

All valid and all understandable preferences. Nothing wrong with how you feel. As far as for me, my rule has always been you can have one of each without question so she could have a girlfriend as well as me and if I weren't straight I could have a boyfriend as well as her. As far as why I decided to let her be with him, it's just something we discussed and I said yes. I know she cares for him and I have asked for her to consider being poly many times. When she finally says yes who am I to pick who she wants it to be with? I married her for better or worse. I didn't buy the rights to her life choices. That's how I look at it anyway.

Getting married has always been a dream of mine. Since I was 14 I have wanted a wife and kids. I have that, and so long as I don't fuck up I will keep it. I am a singular marriage guy so if this doesn't work out for us that's it. I'll be forever unmarried. I never thought I would find someone who would accept my poly tendencies and when we had talked about it pre-marriage she had said no so I didn't think that it would ever be an issue. As this thread has hopefully suggested I'm doing well considering the circumstances. I got drunk again last night (a result of going to a rave and feeling like an idiot being the only sober person there) so I'm once again dwelling but the week is almost over and she will be home soon. Im going to make it. :)
 
Last edited:
But it's mainly based on our concept of marriage and commitment. I like that my wife doesn't need/want intimacy w masculine energy beyond me, doesn't need/want any cock but mine, etc. But obviously I can't give her the feminine energy and same sex experience she could have w another woman--this is so separate, and somehow that makes it easy for me to open up to this possibility... I find myself wondering why guys get married if they plan to share their wives w other dudes.
Again, SoCalDoc, you word it as if the wife is a piece of property that belongs to the husband and is his to share, when she has her own mind and makes her own choices. Though a couple will make agreements to work it out or not, both people make their own choices to stay or go, or whatever.

Many men don't see it as threatening when their female partners hook up with another woman, yet see other men as a threat. Ultimately, such thinking (yes, it can be called sexist) belittles and dismisses the potential emotional involvement a woman can feel for another woman. Your wife could fall in love and leave you for a woman just as much as she could for another man. So it's a house of cards to tell yourself that a "feminine energy" isn't as much of an intrusion/change/influence/threat to the dynamic of your marriage as "masculine energy" would be. So, logic follows that a man is able to accept his wife/girlfriend in a relationship with another man. The real work to make a poly relationship successful wouldn't center around what gender or biological sex your partner's other partners are, but the communication you have with each other, level of self-understanding, and willingness to support each other on the journey.
 
Last edited:
Back
Top