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  #61  
Old Yesterday, 08:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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"...you can also express that in this instance her choice not to share this position makes you feel sad or inadequate, like there's something wrong with you specifically, since she's willing with someone else. "
So, a big issue is that I feel like I actually CAN'T express this. It's my truth, but as soon as I say it, as a man, to a woman, in a patriarchal culture, I'm oppressing her and pressuring her.
If you need help with how to phrase it? Perhaps keeping it simple and more I-statements? Something like...
" My feelings of adequacy and self worth are connected to our shared sex life. I know that you don't owe me sex or anything like that. It's not about the sex itself. It's about my thinking about sex.

When our sex life is _____, I automatically think things like you don't love me. Then I feel sad/bad. I'm trying to work on that line of thinking so things improve because I've come to realize it's wonky in some places.

That's where I'm at with it right now. Please be patient while I'm sorting things out in my head and waiting for my counseling appointment. "
Or however it is you want to frame it.

Then it's just an update on where you are at right now and not anything oppressive or pressuring.

You ARE doing a lot of great things -- seeking counseling, sorting our some of your thoughts, examining core beliefs, etc even while processing pain. So don't lose sight of that progress while it's tough right now.

Of all the things you have written, trying to take it more "middle path" and not "all or nothing" is what might help you navigate all this best.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; Yesterday at 09:05 PM.
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  #62  
Old Today, 02:54 AM
Arius Arius is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post

If she's concerned that giving you a reason will lead to more arguments and heavy conversations that she doesn't have spoons for, this may be why she's reluctant to give you one.
...if she's at all unsure about how you'll react (and she has no spoons to deal with a "bad" reaction), giving no answer may feel like the "best" answer to her.

Edit: It may be worth asking her what kind of reaction she'd prefer to see from you if she did decide to give you a reason.
That's fair. I mean, I think I can understand why she might not want to give me an answer. Again, I'm not saying she SHOULD give me an answer, I'm saying that I don't know how to move on or get past this without one.

Honestly, I probably don't WANT the answer. She has a history of giving me answers that are EVEN WORSE than the worst-case scenario I was imagining. And I have OCD, so that stuff is just in my brain forever now and I have to ever be vigilant to prevent it from popping up as vividly as the first time she said it.

I just feel stuck in this loop of not-knowing and feeling bitter about it. I might still feel bitter about it if I knew. I might even feel worse.

I've basically made up an answer for myself - that she will do anything for him because of their kink dynamic, and won't do much for me because my need for her makes her peg me as a submissive. (Even though I'd rather not play the dom/sub game altogether, i'm basically forced into it by her tendency to view everything through that lens.)

I don't know if this is the answer, but having one makes me feel better. And I can live with this answer, even though it really badly hurts my heart if I let myself think about it too much.

It would be easier if I *chose* to be submissive, instead of just having her shove me in that box because of some personality defect stemming from my emotionally abusive upbringing. But them's the breaks. My plan is to keep working on that part of myself. Not for her, but because I want to grow that way.

Thanks for helping me work this part out.
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  #63  
Old Today, 02:59 AM
Arius Arius is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post

Of all the things you have written, trying to take it more "middle path" and not "all or nothing" is what might help you navigate all this best.
I'm not sure what you mean by "middle path." Can you say more about that?

I appreciate you taking the time to give me communication samples. I did already communicate all those things to her, in language similar to yours. So I guess there IS a way to say it without being too oppressive. I just didn't think of that when I was writing that comment about there not being a way to express myself without being oppressive. It's been a long, exhausting week.
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  #64  
Old Today, 04:06 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Sure. It was from post #51 in this thread.

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Originally Posted by Arius
"I do think there is something about what you're saying that reminds me of another insight I had a while back, when I finally started to understand the Eastern philosophical concept of trying without trying. There's sort of a medium, optimal amount of effort; not too much, or you psych yourself out, over-focus, and screw up, but not too little either, otherwise you lose all motivation and nothing gets done. It's not about Not Trying at all and just blowing around wherever the winds of fate push you, it's about heading off in a direction and then not worrying about getting there within a particular time-frame."
The "middle" path. Not too much. Not too little.

I think it could apply here in the sense of -- do what you can for now. All the good things you are doing already -- making counseling appointment, thinking, reading, working on your stuff, more mindful with the conversation starters, etc.

But know this is not a 1 or 2 days solver. It will take some time. And your whole life cannot be THIS stuff.

"Regular life stuff" also has to happen -- work, making dinner, laundry, date nights with her, etc. So I was suggesting you could approach it with the "middle path" mindset.

You do some work on this stuff. Once a week for an hour or two, or twice a week or whatever pattern the counselor says is reasonable and doable.
And then the rest of the time? You do "regular life" stuff. So it's balanced living even while working things out.

You don't overfocus or psych yourself out by overdoing it. But at the same time, you make consistent small installment efforts so things do get done.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; Today at 04:21 AM.
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