I understand other people's logic in recommending you wait until a second date (or longer) to tell someone about your DID, but I disagree.
Personally, if someone had anything that affects who they are and might affect me as their partner, and they didn't tell me about it up front, I would feel that they had been dishonest with me by withholding that information. If I'm meeting up with someone for the first time, it's to find out whether we would be compatible as partners, and whether they're the type of person I want to get involved with.
While I don't expect someone to tell me every detail of their life right off the bat, as I said, if it's something that has a strong influence on them and their life, and might become a factor in our relationship, I do prefer to know before I decide whether to form a connection with them. Otherwise, I feel any connection that forms would be under false pretenses, and I wouldn't stay with the person once I did find out, even if the information itself wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me. Something like a mental illness isn't an automatic deal-breaker for me, but intentional dishonesty is.
I live with mental health issues. I used to tell people, "Hey, I have mental health issues" fairly early on, but not necessarily right away, and I didn't give them much information other than the diagnoses. Then I got involved with a guy who heard "anxiety disorder and depression" and said, "That isn't a problem for me"... and continued saying that, even when seeing me having a panic attack or depressive episode, right up until he decided we were over, at which point he said those illnesses *were* a problem for him, and he had felt stressed and burdened on the occasions when he saw the anxiety attacks etc. He just hadn't wanted to be honest with me about that because he knew I couldn't necessarily help it, and didn't want to hurt my feelings, until it became a breaking point for the relationship.
So now, I do lay it on the line at the first meeting with a prospective new partner. Or, rather, if I feel comfortable enough with them that I think I might want to see them again, I lay it on the line. (If I know I won't want to see them again, it's irrelevant.) I tell them what my diagnoses are. I tell them what my anxiety and panic attacks look like, how frequently I'm likely to have them, and what I would need from them if they were with me when one occurred. I tell them about the fibromyalgia I also live with, and what that means in terms of what I'm able to do physically.
I tell them that I definitely don't expect them to manage these illnesses--that's my job, and I work at it constantly, albeit with varying degrees of success--but that there are certain things I might ask them to do that will help me and our relationship, such as giving or not giving me certain info about other relationships they might be in (obviously without violating anyone's privacy).
If I'm considering getting into a relationship with someone, I consider those things just as important for them to know as the fact that they won't be able to visit me at home, that a certain night of the week is reserved for my boyfriend, that I have agreements with my husband and boyfriend that I apply in all relationships, etc. If something about me is cause for them not to be in a relationship with me, I would far rather they make that decision right away than after I've developed a connection with and probably feelings for them. And if someone knows that something about themself might be a deal-breaker for other people, in my opinion, it's most responsible for them to share that information right off the bat so the other person is making an INFORMED decision about whether to see them a second time, or ongoing, or whatever. It isn't an informed decision if someone doesn't have the information.
Something about this has been bugging me, and I’m going to put it out there- not to criticize, but because I think it is a point of view worth hearing:/
People are people. Normally we have thins that affect our relationships with others. That is all part of the package. Most people can tolerate difference, mental illness, etc, and if they can’t— usually they have radar to say”this is too offbeat for me”.
I don’t think you need to disclose anything about your identity- and that includes DID- until you feel it is emotionally safe to — and safer to than not, and/or it is considerate for your partner.
And it’s not always that obvious or that big a deal, honestly. I have a good friend with DID, and I only know it because she chose to let me in on it. I can sometimes tell it’s not the alter I last talked to, but it’s still an aspect of my friend— even if a little more compartmentalized than average
IMHO, if someone is unable to deal with something - whether because they are racist, homophobic, ableist, etc. —- or just don’t have the skills— the responsibility could as easily be on them to disclose/ask questions.
Some people we date will be trans. Queer. Have fetishes. Of a different race, but “pass” as yours.Have mental illness or challenges. None of those are bad; all of them can be an advantage in a relationship as well as a challenge if your mind is not that open to differences. . If it is a challenge for YOU, and an insurmountable one— why not disclose that?
For sure, fragility, for lack of a better word, falls under a “disclose if it might affect the relationship” status.
It is okay to be honest that you will not be comfortable with certain people. But ir’s Kind of not okay to expect people to out themselves earlier than they are ready and comfortable. They may be ready and comfortable on the first dates. They may not be ready for a long time.
For the OP— I had DID-NOS; all but the amnesia, but within 18 months of either developing it or discovering it, integrated all parts of myself into one. (I became aware after an untreated car accident left me dissociating constantly to get away from the pain, and I discovered alters as part of the dissociation. I’m not sure if it was there before, but the work to integrate them ended up healing others things as well, so I suspect the compartamentalization had been there for a long time.). I have had tons of relationships where I have not disclosed that, ever. I had seizures. I don’r alwway disclose, unless it comes up, as it’s not current. I have had sexual abuse. I don’r always disclose unless I’m being triggered or likely to, or the other does. I have summer SAD. In all these, I disclose if it comes up, and/or I’m worried that the other person may not accept and it’s stressing me. I assume my partners can deal with a few ups and downs of being human— if they were that intolerant, I likely would have eliminated them a long time ago.
Having said that, I learned from a partner that was terminally ill with mental challenges that were caused by the same thing how to take responsibility as my I as I could for my mental and physical health so that it was not unreasonably impacting the other person. Because it’s really not what you have— it’s how you deal with it. (Granted, some things are going to be easier than others. My partner’s probably eventual assisted suicide was heavy. But not as heavy as the expectation by a more healthy partner that we always accommodate their disability. It was not expected I would be there at my partner’s end if that’s where it went. It was expected that I would accommodate always without compensation for the other person. All the disclosure in the world does not address “what is the effect going to be on me?)
If you are cutting some part of yourself off from someone by not telling them— or not giving them tools to understand you— let them know. It sounds like with you, early disclosure might be prudent— so they can say, “that explains it” to things that may be puzzling them. Especially if memories aren’t always shared within the system.
But it’s THEIR job to get over their predjudice. Not yours to cater to the fact they may have it.
I think that applies to depression, etc, too. If your partner needs something disclosed, they can ask. If you suspect they may have problems with it, you can check in. There’s no “must” about outing yourself, though.