Polyamory and mental health

Ofgreenink

New member
Being very new and unpracticed in polyamory I was wondering if anyone had any input on mental health issues and a polyamorous relationship.

My reason for asking this is I have a rather serious mental illness, disassociate identity disorder (more commonly called multiple personality disorder) and I'm curious how one would go about telling someone this as I've only ever dated people after first having been friends for a significant amount of time.

I feel telling someone on a first date is not right but not telling them until later and it being a deal breaker would waste the other person's time.

On a side note, I somewhat credit my mental illness with our excursion into polyamory as we've often brought up (usually jokingly) that my girlfriend is dating 6 different people. But more seriously she has come to love each of my personalities both individually and as a part of me. Showing us we are capable of more than one romantic love.

I suppose my real question here is. How does one say "I have multiple 'personalities', is that cool with you?" And not sound like a lunatic
 
Hi ofgreenink

Maybe it depends on how often and intensely your symptoms manifest themselves. Would you say that if you met someone, that person would notice your DID right away? Would it take awhile? If so, I'd wait and let the person get to know me a bit. If not then you might have to talk about it early.

What heartens me about your post is that you (and your girlfriend) have a sense of humor about it. She seems to understand how lucky she is to know you and how your unique personalities have enriched her life. I wish I could give you a definitive answer as to when and how to tell a potential partner, but I think you might use your sense of humor in some way when you do. It could help them see what your girlfriend already knows about you.
 
It would probably take them a while depending on who I'm switching to or from. Some have enough social tact to hide it or gloss over stuff others there's too big of a jump not to notice, however, people don't usually assume I have DID off the bat, I really don't know what people think when I switch, ill go from a spastic lunatic with no filter and an unhealthy obsession with cheese to a guy with a deeper voice, little emotion, and a stick so far up his butt you can practically see it when he talks. And it can be really uncomfortable but people don't want to start the conversation of "the hell was that?"
 
It would probably take them a while depending on who I'm switching to or from. Some have enough social tact to hide it or gloss over stuff others there's too big of a jump not to notice, however, people don't usually assume I have DID off the bat, I really don't know what people think when I switch, ill go from a spastic lunatic with no filter and an unhealthy obsession with cheese to a guy with a deeper voice, little emotion, and a stick so far up his butt you can practically see it when he talks. And it can be really uncomfortable but people don't want to start the conversation of "the hell was that?"

I'm curious. Is there an "I" (or conscious awareness) which witnesses these shifts? Or do you only learn of them when others inform you about the variety of distinct individuals who have shown up and spoken, etc.?

Most of us have some version or variant of "multiple personalities" within us which show up as strong and repeating moods, conflicting attitudes and behaviors.... But we experience all of these as "I" anyway. We don't blank out when we take a train to another city ... and wonder how we got there.
 
I'm actually really curious about DID and poly. Would practicing polyamory be a way for alters, who are out regularly enough, to have their own primary relationships, if the system agrees that this was desirable?

Or is it your original personality who is genuinely poly and seeking to have multiple relationships?

As for your question about when to tell... Well, I wouldn't do so on a first date because you're not even sure you're going to want to see that person again. But if you do want to go for a second date, it might be worth mentioning it in the conversation leading up to that second date, so that person can make an informed decision if they are themselves emotionally capable of dating a system.

As an aside, I agree with River that I recognise in myself that I have different aspects of my personality come to the fore under different circumstances, but I don't disassociate when that happens.

I've learned a lot about DID from watching the Entropy System on YouTube, and although that will never be a substitute for knowing a system personally, it has helped me be less wary of opening myself up to knowing or dating a system if I met one.
 
So I should start off by dispelling a common misunderstanding and why I sometimes hesitate to say "multiple personalities" and prefer to call them alters rather than personalities. As they are not a shift in personality but an altered state of consciousness or an alternate. I don't have control over my actions when I switch however since I have something called co-consciousness I'm able to see hear and feel everything that goes on. Think of it like watching a pov style tv show, so they really aren't "personalities" why the old phrasing MPD (multiple personality disorder) has replaced by DID (dissociative identity disorder).

I'm not offended by this misunderstanding, it's not like DID is well represented or taught so it's pretty common.

That being said it runs a lot deeper than a shift of personality, that's entirely normal. This is a shift of consciousness and of identity, they have different names, voices, facial expressions and even different ways of walking. The only reason people don't notice is that I'm damn good at hiding it when I want to be.

Though the second date does make sense, that means there is interest in continuing but it's not too much of a time investment.
 
My boyfriend had an online relationship with a person with DID shortly before me. In fact, I am friends with her on social media now. A few of her alter personalities have their own social media accounts/presences. Jester said that even though their relationship was online/LD, he learned pretty quickly to tell which alter he was speaking with, as they all had their own very unique traits, interests and manner of phrasing conversation.

I agree that it's best to be upfront as possible with potential new partners, but not right off the bat on a first date, or else dropping that info straight into a first in-person convo would surely colour the whole encounter, and make it difficult for both of you to figure out if there was any sort of genuine attraction, interest and compatibility between you.

I'd also suggest the second or third date... and maybe start off by asking the person how much they know about DID/MPD. If they're completely ignorant about it, it's going to be a steep learning curve. If they don't appear accepting of people with differences, including mental illnesses, then it'll probably become pretty obvious in their subsequent demeanour. However, they need to know this info pretty early on, in order to consent to a relationship (or otherwise) without any false pretences.
 
I understand other people's logic in recommending you wait until a second date (or longer) to tell someone about your DID, but I disagree.

Personally, if someone had anything that affects who they are and might affect me as their partner, and they didn't tell me about it up front, I would feel that they had been dishonest with me by withholding that information. If I'm meeting up with someone for the first time, it's to find out whether we would be compatible as partners, and whether they're the type of person I want to get involved with.

While I don't expect someone to tell me every detail of their life right off the bat, as I said, if it's something that has a strong influence on them and their life, and might become a factor in our relationship, I do prefer to know before I decide whether to form a connection with them. Otherwise, I feel any connection that forms would be under false pretenses, and I wouldn't stay with the person once I did find out, even if the information itself wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me. Something like a mental illness isn't an automatic deal-breaker for me, but intentional dishonesty is.

I live with mental health issues. I used to tell people, "Hey, I have mental health issues" fairly early on, but not necessarily right away, and I didn't give them much information other than the diagnoses. Then I got involved with a guy who heard "anxiety disorder and depression" and said, "That isn't a problem for me"... and continued saying that, even when seeing me having a panic attack or depressive episode, right up until he decided we were over, at which point he said those illnesses *were* a problem for him, and he had felt stressed and burdened on the occasions when he saw the anxiety attacks etc. He just hadn't wanted to be honest with me about that because he knew I couldn't necessarily help it, and didn't want to hurt my feelings, until it became a breaking point for the relationship.

So now, I do lay it on the line at the first meeting with a prospective new partner. Or, rather, if I feel comfortable enough with them that I think I might want to see them again, I lay it on the line. (If I know I won't want to see them again, it's irrelevant.) I tell them what my diagnoses are. I tell them what my anxiety and panic attacks look like, how frequently I'm likely to have them, and what I would need from them if they were with me when one occurred. I tell them about the fibromyalgia I also live with, and what that means in terms of what I'm able to do physically.

I tell them that I definitely don't expect them to manage these illnesses--that's my job, and I work at it constantly, albeit with varying degrees of success--but that there are certain things I might ask them to do that will help me and our relationship, such as giving or not giving me certain info about other relationships they might be in (obviously without violating anyone's privacy).

If I'm considering getting into a relationship with someone, I consider those things just as important for them to know as the fact that they won't be able to visit me at home, that a certain night of the week is reserved for my boyfriend, that I have agreements with my husband and boyfriend that I apply in all relationships, etc. If something about me is cause for them not to be in a relationship with me, I would far rather they make that decision right away than after I've developed a connection with and probably feelings for them. And if someone knows that something about themself might be a deal-breaker for other people, in my opinion, it's most responsible for them to share that information right off the bat so the other person is making an INFORMED decision about whether to see them a second time, or ongoing, or whatever. It isn't an informed decision if someone doesn't have the information.
 
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I understand where you're coming from, and usually, it just initiates a conversation on the illness. Usually just harmless questions along the vein of "what is it like?" The odd person saw it on criminal minds or the movie split (both or which paint a really bad picture for me) but that's not in a romantic sense. But I've usually known them for a while before that. So I don't know most peoples knee-jerk reaction, I just imagine it conjures images of the guy who kidnaps people because he has a player that's a murderer like they see on tv.
 
Hi Ofgreenink,

I guess my vote is to tell the other person sometime during the first two or three dates. Maybe the thing to do is to assess whether they're becoming emotionally involved and if they are, tell them immediately. Otherwise you could make a decision on the basis of whether *you're* becoming emotionally involved.

The only hitch is, is it possible that you could switch to another personality *during* one of these first few dates. If so, you really need to tell the other person right away, so that they don't end up going, "WTH?" It would be better if they understood what was going on. Do you have any control over if and when you switch to another personality? This would have an effect on how soon you should tell the other person.

Just some thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I don't really have control over when I switch to an alter, I can avoid the triggers but even then its pretty random, but that's about it. I can also force myself to switch back but its really mentally taxing and takes *a lot* out of me so I really try not to. that being said my alters are all really good at acting enough like me that it's not noticeable, this just comes from wanting to keep it from people as much as possible when I was in high school, now I really hate to do that because it feels incredibly dishonest and like I'm keeping secrets. So I suppose if I did switch I'd have to be up to the alter to let them know... which could be a problem as a few of them have zero tact and even some have nearly zero emotional capacity. but considering its a first date the likest alter to come out is the exact opposite of that.
 
I understand where you're coming from, and usually, it just initiates a conversation on the illness. Usually just harmless questions along the vein of "what is it like?" The odd person saw it on criminal minds or the movie split (both or which paint a really bad picture for me) but that's not in a romantic sense. But I've usually known them for a while before that. So I don't know most peoples knee-jerk reaction, I just imagine it conjures images of the guy who kidnaps people because he has a player that's a murderer like they see on tv.

One thing that stands out to me is the bit I put in bold print above. You *imagine* that is people's reaction. But you don't *know*, because you aren't in their brains and you can't predict the future. Some people might react that way, but some people probably won't. DID does show up in TV shows, and in some cases it is the "one of the alters is a murderer" thing, but I've also seen series that seem to portray it fairly accurately (based on what I know from research and from experiencing dissociative episodes myself, though I don't have defined alters).

And I think a lot of people might be more understanding than you imagine. Their knee-jerk reaction might be "Oh, that sounds difficult for Greenink to deal with," or "I don't know much about that," or something else neutral or even positive.

Some people don't have a complete understanding of PTSD, anxiety disorder, or depression, as well. When I tell people about it, I don't just say, "I have these things" and wait for questions or misperceptions. I say, "I have anxiety disorder, which means..." and explain what it feels like and what it looks like. Same with depression and PTSD. And then I give them specific action steps, like "just talk to me in a low, quiet voice," about what to do if they see me have an anxiety attack or whatever, because knowing what to do--and that there is something they can do--before they see me having the issue often reassures people.

So if I had DID and was telling someone about it for the first time, I might say something like, "I have dissociative identity disorder, and it is NOT like you might see on TV. It's like..." and then explain it, like you've done here. You've given us what I think is a fairly clear description of what it's like for you, what it's like when one of your alters steps in, etc. You could give that information to a prospective partner. I would recommend also giving them some kind of action step, which might just be, "If one of my alters steps in and you notice, I need you to just keep talking and acting the way you were, and not call attention to it."

I can understand that DID isn't an easy thing to live with, and the idea of telling anyone about it is probably scary. I would caution against assuming how people will react, as you seem to be doing ("I just imagine it conjures images..."), and give them enough credit to give them the opportunity to *show* you how they'll react.
 
I suffer from anxiety (predominately panic attacks; nothing consistently hampering, but temporarily debilitating when they're at their worst), my wife has schizoaffective disorder (shizophrenia with a bipolar element), and during our month-and-a-half to two-month poly-fi relationship, our girlfriend was diagnosed as schizotypal (which I was beginning to understand, but a Google search might do it better justice).

I've just found these boards tonight, looking for others who could at least comprehend my questions and thoughts. I hope that, when I say I think KC43 has a pretty solid idea, I'm not overstepping any boundaries. Our very first date, after my wife and her college friend caught up a bit, we started discussing what we were looking for in a poly relationship. In that conversation, we acknowledged my wife's condition, explained that I intended on handling it fully until she was comfortable with the symptoms and understood well enough to help when they occurred. Our ex acknowledged her own condition (as well as she and her therapist understood it; some form of depression and social anxiety at that point) and we all knew what we were going into before emotions grew and things got serious. I credit our ex for that. She was very open and concerned for the group's well-being, and that kind of direct communication became so much more important when it went from two to three people.
 
I understand other people's logic in recommending you wait until a second date (or longer) to tell someone about your DID, but I disagree.

Personally, if someone had anything that affects who they are and might affect me as their partner, and they didn't tell me about it up front, I would feel that they had been dishonest with me by withholding that information. If I'm meeting up with someone for the first time, it's to find out whether we would be compatible as partners, and whether they're the type of person I want to get involved with.

While I don't expect someone to tell me every detail of their life right off the bat, as I said, if it's something that has a strong influence on them and their life, and might become a factor in our relationship, I do prefer to know before I decide whether to form a connection with them. Otherwise, I feel any connection that forms would be under false pretenses, and I wouldn't stay with the person once I did find out, even if the information itself wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me. Something like a mental illness isn't an automatic deal-breaker for me, but intentional dishonesty is.

I live with mental health issues. I used to tell people, "Hey, I have mental health issues" fairly early on, but not necessarily right away, and I didn't give them much information other than the diagnoses. Then I got involved with a guy who heard "anxiety disorder and depression" and said, "That isn't a problem for me"... and continued saying that, even when seeing me having a panic attack or depressive episode, right up until he decided we were over, at which point he said those illnesses *were* a problem for him, and he had felt stressed and burdened on the occasions when he saw the anxiety attacks etc. He just hadn't wanted to be honest with me about that because he knew I couldn't necessarily help it, and didn't want to hurt my feelings, until it became a breaking point for the relationship.

So now, I do lay it on the line at the first meeting with a prospective new partner. Or, rather, if I feel comfortable enough with them that I think I might want to see them again, I lay it on the line. (If I know I won't want to see them again, it's irrelevant.) I tell them what my diagnoses are. I tell them what my anxiety and panic attacks look like, how frequently I'm likely to have them, and what I would need from them if they were with me when one occurred. I tell them about the fibromyalgia I also live with, and what that means in terms of what I'm able to do physically.

I tell them that I definitely don't expect them to manage these illnesses--that's my job, and I work at it constantly, albeit with varying degrees of success--but that there are certain things I might ask them to do that will help me and our relationship, such as giving or not giving me certain info about other relationships they might be in (obviously without violating anyone's privacy).

If I'm considering getting into a relationship with someone, I consider those things just as important for them to know as the fact that they won't be able to visit me at home, that a certain night of the week is reserved for my boyfriend, that I have agreements with my husband and boyfriend that I apply in all relationships, etc. If something about me is cause for them not to be in a relationship with me, I would far rather they make that decision right away than after I've developed a connection with and probably feelings for them. And if someone knows that something about themself might be a deal-breaker for other people, in my opinion, it's most responsible for them to share that information right off the bat so the other person is making an INFORMED decision about whether to see them a second time, or ongoing, or whatever. It isn't an informed decision if someone doesn't have the information.

Something about this has been bugging me, and I’m going to put it out there- not to criticize, but because I think it is a point of view worth hearing:/

People are people. Normally we have thins that affect our relationships with others. That is all part of the package. Most people can tolerate difference, mental illness, etc, and if they can’t— usually they have radar to say”this is too offbeat for me”.

I don’t think you need to disclose anything about your identity- and that includes DID- until you feel it is emotionally safe to — and safer to than not, and/or it is considerate for your partner.

And it’s not always that obvious or that big a deal, honestly. I have a good friend with DID, and I only know it because she chose to let me in on it. I can sometimes tell it’s not the alter I last talked to, but it’s still an aspect of my friend— even if a little more compartmentalized than average

IMHO, if someone is unable to deal with something - whether because they are racist, homophobic, ableist, etc. —- or just don’t have the skills— the responsibility could as easily be on them to disclose/ask questions.

Some people we date will be trans. Queer. Have fetishes. Of a different race, but “pass” as yours.Have mental illness or challenges. None of those are bad; all of them can be an advantage in a relationship as well as a challenge if your mind is not that open to differences. . If it is a challenge for YOU, and an insurmountable one— why not disclose that?

For sure, fragility, for lack of a better word, falls under a “disclose if it might affect the relationship” status.

It is okay to be honest that you will not be comfortable with certain people. But ir’s Kind of not okay to expect people to out themselves earlier than they are ready and comfortable. They may be ready and comfortable on the first dates. They may not be ready for a long time.

For the OP— I had DID-NOS; all but the amnesia, but within 18 months of either developing it or discovering it, integrated all parts of myself into one. (I became aware after an untreated car accident left me dissociating constantly to get away from the pain, and I discovered alters as part of the dissociation. I’m not sure if it was there before, but the work to integrate them ended up healing others things as well, so I suspect the compartamentalization had been there for a long time.). I have had tons of relationships where I have not disclosed that, ever. I had seizures. I don’r alwway disclose, unless it comes up, as it’s not current. I have had sexual abuse. I don’r always disclose unless I’m being triggered or likely to, or the other does. I have summer SAD. In all these, I disclose if it comes up, and/or I’m worried that the other person may not accept and it’s stressing me. I assume my partners can deal with a few ups and downs of being human— if they were that intolerant, I likely would have eliminated them a long time ago.

Having said that, I learned from a partner that was terminally ill with mental challenges that were caused by the same thing how to take responsibility as my I as I could for my mental and physical health so that it was not unreasonably impacting the other person. Because it’s really not what you have— it’s how you deal with it. (Granted, some things are going to be easier than others. My partner’s probably eventual assisted suicide was heavy. But not as heavy as the expectation by a more healthy partner that we always accommodate their disability. It was not expected I would be there at my partner’s end if that’s where it went. It was expected that I would accommodate always without compensation for the other person. All the disclosure in the world does not address “what is the effect going to be on me?)

If you are cutting some part of yourself off from someone by not telling them— or not giving them tools to understand you— let them know. It sounds like with you, early disclosure might be prudent— so they can say, “that explains it” to things that may be puzzling them. Especially if memories aren’t always shared within the system.

But it’s THEIR job to get over their predjudice. Not yours to cater to the fact they may have it.

I think that applies to depression, etc, too. If your partner needs something disclosed, they can ask. If you suspect they may have problems with it, you can check in. There’s no “must” about outing yourself, though.
 
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Something about this has been bugging me, and I’m going to put it out there- not to criticize, but because I think it is a point of view worth hearing:/

People are people. Normally we have thins that affect our relationships with others. That is all part of the package. Most people can tolerate difference, mental illness, etc, and if they can’t— usually they have radar to say”this is too offbeat for me”.

I don’t think you need to disclose anything about your identity- and that includes DID- until you feel it is emotionally safe to — and safer to than not, and/or it is considerate for your partner.

And it’s not always that obvious or that big a deal, honestly. I have a good friend with DID, and I only know it because she chose to let me in on it. I can sometimes tell it’s not the alter I last talked to, but it’s still an aspect of my friend— even if a little more compartmentalized than average

IMHO, if someone is unable to deal with something - whether because they are racist, homophobic, ableist, etc. —- or just don’t have the skills— the responsibility could as easily be on them to disclose/ask questions.

Some people we date will be trans. Queer. Have fetishes. Of a different race, but “pass” as yours.Have mental illness or challenges. None of those are bad; all of them can be an advantage in a relationship as well as a challenge if your mind is not that open to differences. . If it is a challenge for YOU, and an insurmountable one— why not disclose that?

For sure, fragility, for lack of a better word, falls under a “disclose if it might affect the relationship” status.

It is okay to be honest that you will not be comfortable with certain people. But ir’s Kind of not okay to expect people to out themselves earlier than they are ready and comfortable. They may be ready and comfortable on the first dates. They may not be ready for a long time.

For the OP— I had DID-NOS; all but the amnesia, but within 18 months of either developing it or discovering it, integrated all parts of myself into one. (I became aware after an untreated car accident left me dissociating constantly to get away from the pain, and I discovered alters as part of the dissociation. I’m not sure if it was there before, but the work to integrate them ended up healing others things as well, so I suspect the compartamentalization had been there for a long time.). I have had tons of relationships where I have not disclosed that, ever. I had seizures. I don’r alwway disclose, unless it comes up, as it’s not current. I have had sexual abuse. I don’r always disclose unless I’m being triggered or likely to, or the other does. I have summer SAD. In all these, I disclose if it comes up, and/or I’m worried that the other person may not accept and it’s stressing me. I assume my partners can deal with a few ups and downs of being human— if they were that intolerant, I likely would have eliminated them a long time ago.

Having said that, I learned from a partner that was terminally ill with mental challenges that were caused by the same thing how to take responsibility as my I as I could for my mental and physical health so that it was not unreasonably impacting the other person. Because it’s really not what you have— it’s how you deal with it. (Granted, some things are going to be easier than others. My partner’s probably eventual assisted suicide was heavy. But not as heavy as the expectation by a more healthy partner that we always accommodate their disability. It was not expected I would be there at my partner’s end if that’s where it went. It was expected that I would accommodate always without compensation for the other person. All the disclosure in the world does not address “what is the effect going to be on me?)

If you are cutting some part of yourself off from someone by not telling them— or not giving them tools to understand you— let them know. It sounds like with you, early disclosure might be prudent— so they can say, “that explains it” to things that may be puzzling them. Especially if memories aren’t always shared within the system.

But it’s THEIR job to get over their predjudice. Not yours to cater to the fact they may have it.

I think that applies to depression, etc, too. If your partner needs something disclosed, they can ask. If you suspect they may have problems with it, you can check in. There’s no “must” about outing yourself, though.

I think you have valid points, but to separate questions, honestly. I don't have DID, but put it into the context of trans people. There are some people out there who get violent because they find out that the person they're interested in has the "wrong" genitals.

While hopefully people's reactions wouldn't even be in that ballpark, you're running a risk of letting people feel that you've been pretending to be someone you're not, or that they're wasting their time attempting to get to know you when you're not providing pertinent information. One could even see it as a violation of consent, that you didn't give them the opportunity to make a decision if this was something they could cope with, too.

I think it's a really lousy thing that people "have" to out themselves when they make not be comfortable with it. But I think that the consequences of not doing so can be worse in many cases for both/all parties involved. I think when you go on a date with someone and they're trying to see if you might be compatible, that being too far on your best behaviour or hiding facts about yourself to "soften the blow later" is really being disingenuous and hoping that the person will like you enough to look past it rather than make a factual decision on merits.

Not everyone is open to dating everyone even if you look at it strictly based on challenges and nothing else, and that's OK. No one has an obligation to date someone and it doesn't make them a bad person if they recognize they can't handle something. Some people don't date people with children because they don't want that complication. It's really no different, and it's better to have it in the open before someone gets hurt.
 
Something I THOUGHT I had put in that it looks like it does not- is that a criteria should be that safety is a part of being comfortable.

And I would agree with you about danger - BUT —— it is still not a transperson’s responsibility to tell you on the first date. Or before. Or ever.

No trans person I know would take off clothes if they passed as one gender fbecause of ffear of trans panic with someone cis.

But in non-binary circles— especially pansexual heavy ones— I could see this being a non-issue. You might KNOW someone is attracted to all bodies. And comfortable they will like yours.

So when do you reveal?

When you are comfortable. When it is safer - emotionally and physically - for YOU to do so than not. If it is necessary. Or you want to. Same status as for DID.

Personal story:


I had someone keep trans status secret for a really long time, and I totally support that. They weren’t deceiving me— I had no right to assume they were cis. They didn’t pretend to be otherwise. Even after I met them, I had no idea— a very close friend was good friends with this person’s wife, and knew the story— and didn’t tell me. That’s doing it right. Eventually, a separate close friend to both of us outed them. That wasn’t right.

I think emotional safety in this case— and physical— meant keeping things under wraps long enough to really suss me out.

And honestly, I failed. I might not have been blatantly transphobic— but I talked about how my partner going through transition was beautiful, but rough on me. (You can call me on that if you are trans and it IS blatant.) I acted the entitled cis person, and she got to see that because she waited. I got better, but emotionally, she was safer by not revealing. It was a mismatch— she wasn’t up for care taking me through that (and shouldn’t have). I would have triggered hard stuff because she was still sorting out that dynamic with her wife. But it was done safely— she got to reject me. Not me her. That’s better. Someone still got hurt- my date— but it would have hurt way worse if I had found out she was trans and rejected her (I wouldn’t have, BTW. My issues were with losing what we built and having to build anew. Which I eventually snapped out of, became excited about, and was glad to be Tere for the bit I was.). But it still would have been to triggering, I suspect.)
 
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Also, IMHO:

Consent: can I do this with you?

Entitlement: you must be this person for me.

A person is free not to date at any time.

If they discover they cannot handle something their partner is included.

They may feel feelings of betrayal at discovering that.

But it doesn’t necessarily mean they were betrayed— it could mean they were entitled.
 
I hear you. Oh, man, do I hear you.

I'm bipolar. Misdiagnosed with depression at 22, diagnosed correctly (by myself, while manic) at 25, confirmed by multiple therapists since.

This is what I've found personally:

At first I was in the same camp as you, as in don't reveal on the first date but don't wait until someone has gotten super invested to mention it because they might feel like they're being trapped or like their time was wasted if it's a deal breaker.

In the past three years ago, though, I have taken a new approach to my mental illness. I've been doing very well health wise, first, but I've also owned it as a part of who I am as opposed to something that I suffer from. That being said, I put it right out there on first dates. In first meetings, period, the same way I would anything else. "Hi, I'm Belle, I'm a singer/songwriter, I live in Brooklyn, I'm bipolar, I like cheese. How about you?"

Before I feel like I was ashamed, and the "big reveal" was often me sheepishly admitting something that I sort of felt like I had to apologize for. Since adapting I've found that it hasn't influenced my ability to date in the limiting way that I feared it would. It turns out that the people for whom dating someone with a mental illness was going to be a deal breaker - either because they put the stigmas before the person in front of them, or feel like the "extra work" would be too much - aren't people I want to be dating anyway. So it works out.

Also, realistically living with a mental illness will present unique challenges in relationships. While I manage quite well, similar to you in terms of having varying degrees of success, I am still fully manic and fully depressed on occasion. My partner has signed on to be there for me through that. He's aware that some nights I won't sleep and will lay beside him and read all night, or that some days I won't want to get out of bed and he may need to come bring me a meal or else I won't eat.

I think it's better to know right away whether someone is prepared to be there for your struggles. There is stigma attached to mental illness the makes it more difficult to disclose than, say, "I have a bad shoulder", or, "I tore my ACL in college and can't go out salsa dancing. Maybe the person you're on a first date with is looking for a dance partner and isn't okay with that, you know? But I think the earlier, the better, for everyone involved. Sort of waiting to tell someone and feeling afraid of their reaction almost requires you to feel a level of personal shame that I don't think is something anyone already living with mental illness needs to add to their daily load of concerns.

Think of how you'd approach poly. Do you wait until the third date to disclose your other partner, or do you disclose your poly status on the first date (or before even agreeing to the date) and allow the person to opt in with their eyes open? I vote for disclosure ASAP.
 
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