Sticky situation

Annna

New member
Hello everyone :)
I just introduced myself on the introductions section and, as I started to rant about my actual situation, I decided I'd segment it and post it where it should be, which is here!

Thing is, I 've been poly all my life but I've been trying hard to be monogamous since it's way less complicated emotionally and generally easier to work with in life and I tend to fall in love with monogamous people which I don't want to give up on.

I had a girlfriend that lasted longer than any of my relationships, about 4 years, and was the only one that I've had until now in which I felt kinda monogamous BUT, turns out it was just co-dependance, jealousy, low self esteem and so.
There's that.

Now I've been dating a guy for about one and a half years and having the most healthy relationship in a looong time but of course, he is monogamous.
We moved in together about three months ago and I was excited because this was my first time doing so with a partner and I felt really happy for myself ( I deal with BPD, so yeah this is a huge step).

First time that I was having a sexual situation with someone else in this relationship was about 6 months ago or so, with one of my best girlfriends. This is tricky cause being poly and bisexual you kind of always are missing something and well, the bond that I tend to have with women is way more magnetic that the one I could have with men. So I really couldn't or didn't want to help it and I went for it. This has happened over 5 times now and i didn't really fell bad for it because you know, as I see it, monogamy is full of secrets and as long as the relationship is still going ok I wouldn't be bothered BUT, about a month ago, I had sex with an ex boyfriend. I was reeeeaally hesitant but finally gave up my weird monogamous inner restriction (which for me is obviously artificial so, it is not strong), and had sex with him.


I felt weird and bad. Bad for something I couldn't really figure out but I felt horribly. When I talked about it in therapy conclusions were that I was not to feel bad about myself but for myself, since the real problem there is that I was suffering massively for not being able to communicate this to my partner, not being able to be myself with the person that I deeply love and who never ever hurt me. And I feel that being myself was going to hurt him, as it did with several of my past relationships.

My therapist made an really interesting comparison about being poly with being homosexual and coming out of the closet.
When you have spent all your life with people telling you that you are a freak, that you are just careless about who you love, that you are selfish, that you can't make up your mind, that you are not right well then, you start to believe that and start to imitate whoever has it nice for themselves in life. In this case, monogamous people. In the case of homosexuals, straight people.

We often play games on ourselves and try yo be someone else just because of societal pressure and the pain that it gives us and it is actual hell to confront this and not getting harmed in the process. We find it easier to lie to ourselves, ignore who we are cause "we are not right" and go on with a full show. Well I at least I did.

But turns out this this is just emerging as an air balloon in the middle of the ocean and I can't drown myself anymore.

I kind of broke up with him, told him that I needed to be alone now, that some things in the relationship weren't working for me but then we spoke in person and I fell into tears and felt that I loved him even told him that I didn't want this to be definitive. He loves me and he's being patient. But now I have to make my move and tell him about what has been happening, because I am gonna be suffering until the moment I tell him and it is so.incredibly.difficult to deal with these feelings yet again.

I feel I'm gonna be rejected, cut off and ignored and it scares the hell out of me but, fear is just a step in accepting you for who you are.
Anyway, I was wondering if any of you would like to comment something about this, about anything really. I'm looking for empathy, advice and new perspectives so don't be afraid and talk to this stranger :)

Thanks for your time, you have already supported me
<3
 
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If you can, please put in some paragraph breaks. This is very hard to read.

I'm in a mono relationship, but have had poly leanings, so I'm not the best person to give advice. I feel not only for you, but also your boyfriend.
 
If you can, please put in some paragraph breaks. This is very hard to read.

I'm in a mono relationship, but have had poly leanings, so I'm not the best person to give advice. I feel not only for you, but also your boyfriend.



And how have you managed them? Did you talked about it with him?
Thanks for replying. Fixed the text problem. I think is better now
 
No I think what she is saying is that she has been cheating because she is naturally polyamorous, or at least polysexual, and wants to come out of the closet. Like a closeted gay man who has been having sex with men behind his girlfriend’s back and find the deception is making him miserable, she wants to come out and live honestly.

I have a question. By BPD do you mean bi-polar or Borderline Personality Disorder?

Leetah
 
No I think what she is saying is that she has been cheating because she is naturally polyamorous, or at least polysexual, and wants to come out of the closet. Like a closeted gay man who has been having sex with men behind his girlfriend’s back and find the deception is making him miserable, she wants to come out and live honestly.

I have a question. By BPD do you mean bi-polar or Borderline Personality Disorder?

Leetah

I don't really think that's a thing. And I mean either example. In both cases, my experience has largely been that once given the opportunity to be open with their sexuality or relationship orientation, most of these people find that they actually desired the thrill of illicit sex. When it comes to having a committed relationship with another man, or in the case of polyamory, having consensual relationships which permit everyone to have more than one relationship, the people who speak like the OP about being homosexual or polyamorous aren't interested in the work/sacrifice/compromise/consideration involved in relationships that do not meet the heterosexual monogamous norm. They don't have the desire for that.
 
Hello Annna,

Sorry you are stuck in this sticky situation, it sounds like your (ex?) boyfriend does not know that you are poly, and does not know you have been having sex with other people. So, you are feeling like you need to come clean with him. And you are afraid that he will break up with you when you do come clean. It makes me sad, he very well may break up with you, there isn't a lot you can do about that. If you're lucky, he won't, that's all I can say. It seems that you have been living a life where you try to pretend to be monogamous, but as a result you just end up hurting people, including yourself. I would suggest to you that this hasn't served you very well. In the future, I would counsel you to tell people from the start that you are polyamorous. You won't be able to hook up with as many people, but you will feel better for having been true to yourself.

I want to add that mono/poly relationships do exist. Technically, it is possible that your (ex?) boyfriend would be willing to let you be polyamorous, even while he remains monogamous. But that would be totally up to him, it's a decision you can't make for him. All you can do is resolve to be honest, and let the chips fall where they may. It is right to tell him about what has been happening, even if you end up getting rejected, cut off and ignored it is still the right thing to do. I can only hope that he will be understanding, he will probably be hurt too, but at least he'll know the truth and can make his decisions based on that.

Be resolved that from now on, you will start (and continue) all relationships on the foundation of telling the truth, the whole truth. You are polyamorous. Be true to that. It is the least painful, and least complicated, way to live in the long run.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
The biggest red flags I see are the insistence on dating only monogamous people while believing that "monogamy is full of secrets", and possibly having Borderline Personality Disorder (not that Bi-Polar Disorder is not a difficult thing in relationships, but different). Anna is setting herself and her partners up for unhappiness.

Anna, I know you are suffering so I feel bad saying that it seems likely your current relationship is over. I obviously don't have all the facts, but you and he wanted to have different kinds of relationship. For instance, he may not only prefer monogamy but also honesty in relationships. Perhaps you could regain his trust, but it may not be worth the time and emotional cost for either of you to attempt it.

Polyamory is based around ethics and consent. Coming clean with your boyfriend is a good start. In future relationships you can start out ethically and avoid your current misery. You should consider taking a fair bit of time to concentrate on figuring yourself out before getting involved again. With your therapist's help maybe you can shed the attitudes and emotions that led you to think that relationships and secrets go hand in hand.


Leetah
 
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I don't really think that's a thing. And I mean either example. In both cases, my experience has largely been that once given the opportunity to be open with their sexuality or relationship orientation, most of these people find that they actually desired the thrill of illicit sex. When it comes to having a committed relationship with another man, or in the case of polyamory, having consensual relationships which permit everyone to have more than one relationship, the people who speak like the OP about being homosexual or polyamorous aren't interested in the work/sacrifice/compromise/consideration involved in relationships that do not meet the heterosexual monogamous norm. They don't have the desire for that.

You don't get to define or negate someone else's sexuality or capacity for multiple romantic connections.

And this broad "these people" and "they" you use is an inappropriate othering that borders on discrimination.

Anna has stated her pull to express her connection with multiple people through emotional and physical experiences. Your claim that it's the thrill of illicit sex...that's a bridge too far as an assumption from the OP.

Anna, it can be challenging to bring your lifestyle into alignment with your nature. There is the temptation to live a "normal" monogamous way because it is easier for everyone to understand. I hope some of the life stories and blogs around here show you that it's possible to be openly poly (while avoiding prosecution) and that these can inspire you to full disclosure in whatever relationship structure (or anarchy) you wish. You may need to start afresh or your current partner may join you on this journey, but from your words it is clear that monogamy does not suit you, even to the point of being incapable of it. Me too. Don't let anyone vilify you for that as you learn how to permanently incorporate polyamory or relationship anarchy into your daily life.
 
You don't get to define or negate someone else's sexuality or capacity for multiple romantic connections.

And this broad "these people" and "they" you use is an inappropriate othering that borders on discrimination.

Anna has stated her pull to express her connection with multiple people through emotional and physical experiences. Your claim that it's the thrill of illicit sex...that's a bridge too far as an assumption from the OP.

Anna, it can be challenging to bring your lifestyle into alignment with your nature. There is the temptation to live a "normal" monogamous way because it is easier for everyone to understand. I hope some of the life stories and blogs around here show you that it's possible to be openly poly (while avoiding prosecution) and that these can inspire you to full disclosure in whatever relationship structure (or anarchy) you wish. You may need to start afresh or your current partner may join you on this journey, but from your words it is clear that monogamy does not suit you, even to the point of being incapable of it. Me too. Don't let anyone vilify you for that as you learn how to permanently incorporate polyamory or relationship anarchy into your daily life.


Cheating doesn't indicate that one would be suited to polyamory. Or homosexuality. My experience has been that cheaters in both camps rarely end up in polyamorous or homosexual relationships, even when they can, as that was never their interest.

I'm sorry but there is absolutely nothing in the OP that speaks of anything remotely resembling the skills necessary to be polyamorous or even a desire for polyamory. There is even a conflation of bisexuality and polyamory.
 
I am sorry you struggle. I mean all this kindly, ok? :eek:

It may be hard to hear.

I feel I'm gonna be rejected, cut off and ignored and it scares the hell out of me but, fear is just a step in accepting you for who you are.

That is correct. Take the step. Learn to be just YOU and make peace with yourself being you.

When I talked about it in therapy conclusions were that I was not to feel bad about myself but for myself, since the real problem there is that I was suffering massively for not being able to communicate this to my partner, not being able to be myself with the person that I deeply love and who never ever hurt me. And I feel that being myself was going to hurt him, as it did with several of my past relationships.

It is ok to take up the space you do in the world. You taking up that space is not you hurting other people. They get to take up the space they take up too.

If you date and find out that it isn't a match? Yeah, it's a bummer. But you aren't not doing mean things TO the person. It's just not a match. That is what the dating process is FOR. To find the compatible ones.

If you are polite, decent and honest with people about being bi/poly and they have a cow and blow up at you? That's not you being an asshole to them.

That's them having a cow and spilling their baggage all over the place. You do not have to internalize it and carry their baggage for them. It's their shit. Let them deal with it.

When you have spent all your life with people telling you that you are a freak, that you are just careless about who you love, that you are selfish, that you can't make up your mind, that you are not right well then you start to believe that and start to imitate whoever has it nice for themselves in life.

Who is telling you that stuff? And if they tell you that stuff... why keep hanging out with them?


Thing is, I 've been poly all my life but I've been trying hard to be monogamous since it's way less complicated emotionally and generally easier to work with in life and I tend to fall in love with monogamous people which I don't want to give up on.

That to me sounds like you are bi/poly. But you date mono people to avoid being alone while waiting to find the bi/poly people. Then you get attached to them, and then get stuck between (having feelings for them) and (not actually being compatible because they are monogamous and you are not and it starts to pinch because you agreed to a shape you are not into).

Why do this to yourself? You say it is easier to manage but really in the long run it sounds HARDER. :confused:

Anyway, I was wondering if any of you would like to comment something about this, about anything really. I'm looking for empathy, advice and new perspectives so don't be afraid and talk to this strange

It's ok to be who you are. A bisexual poly person. I don't know if you have made peace with that fully or not.

It is not ok to be lying to yourself. I think you know that.

It is not ok to be getting yourself into monogamous shape relationships and not being fully honest with your partners that you don't want to be doing Closed/monogamy. I think you know that also.

It is not ok to let them think they are in a monogamous shape thing when really? You are cheating on agreements and taking up with other people on the side.

"Whitewashing" it like "special connection" and whatnot? I think you know you are are not being honest with yourself when you do that whitewashing.

First time that I was having a sexual situation with someone else in this relationship was about 6 months ago or so, with one of my best girlfriends. This is tricky cause being poly and bisexual you kind of always are missing something and well, the bond that I tend to have with women is way more magnetic that the one I could have with men. So I really couldn't or didn't want to help it and I went for it. This has happened over 5 times now and i didn't really fell bad for it because you know, as I see it, monogamy is full of secrets and as long as the relationship is still going ok I wouldn't be bothered BUT, about a month ago, I had sex with an ex boyfriend. I was reeeeaally hesitant but finally gave up my weird monogamous inner restriction (which for me is obviously artificial so, it is not strong), and had sex with him.


I felt weird and bad. Bad for something I couldn't really figure out but I felt horribly.

You chose to cheat on your monogamous agreements with the BF and take up with the female friend a few times and then take up with the dude. When you behave like that? You make a promise to the BF to be closed/monogamous and then chuck it out the window? And rationalize it to yourself like it doesn't really count with the girl or that all monogamous people have secrets and cheat? That's telling yourself stories/excuses.

And is not telling the BF forthrightly "BF, I cannot keep this agreement any more. I'm giving you the heads up. I want to be with you and I also want to see other people. Are you up for that?" and obtaining his consent to change the relationship model. That conversation might be hard to do, but you could feel proud of being up front and treating himself and you like people who matter.

The other way? You aren't treating either of you very well or dignified when you cheat. It's going to feel hard to feel proud of that behavior and hold yourself in high regard or high esteem for doing it. So... of course it felt yucky.

I'm concerned you couldn't figure it out. Like you are not connected to your feelings very well. Maybe from years of telling yourself stories or "wearing the mask" you are losing sight of the REAL you buried in there somewhere?

If you want to dig yourself out of this ugh feeling stuff? I think you have to change behaviors so NEW feelings can ensue.

Talk to your therapist to help you get through this. Ask for help to get back to more honest living.

You could come clean with your BF. Start there. Apologize for the cheating. He might understand what led you to all this rigamarole... and still break up with you. Because he gets that you want this poly shape thing. But he wants this monogamous shape thing. So no hard feelings, but not compatible.

Stuff that would have been easier to sort out a few dates in with less pain because there wouldn't have been all this emotional attachment then. Rather than now with all this other baggage. Or... he might be willing to work something out. Who knows?

You cannot find out where his willingness might lie in light of new information without actually having the talk. So if you want to clean up you life? Have the talk. Lean into it and sort what needs sorting.

Regardless of how it turns out with this one BF? I think taking steps in the direction of more honest and authentic living would be better for you in the long run. Drop all the "masks" and no more "putting on a show" for people. Get back in touch with the real you that you buried in there somewhere. Wear THAT skin and be THAT person.

I encourage you to start living your life more honestly/authentically and not get yourself into these wonky situations any more. You don't sound like you like it. :(

Some people aren't gonna like it or like you if you start being the "real you." So what? It helps weed out the incompatible people and you don't have to be listening to their down talk any more about you being a freak.

There's plenty of people in the world. Hang out with people who like you how you are when you are NOT putting on a "show."

Start there. Hang out with healthier people, be friends with healthier people.

When you do self respecting behavior, it is easier to hold yourself in good regard, feel proud of your behavior, hold yourself in high esteem.

Go around wearing a mask, making promises you cannot actually keep, misleading loved ones... none of that is healthy or self respecting behavior.

Galagirl
 
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I'm sorry but there is absolutely nothing in the OP that speaks of anything remotely resembling the skills necessary to be polyamorous or even a desire for polyamory. There is even a conflation of bisexuality and polyamory.

OPs are tiny snippets of life. We often see further clarification in future posts. And Anna is by no means the first or last bisexual person who will express that poly is a vehicle to be able to have concurrent relationships with men and women. As for skills, they are learnt and developed in time given opportunity. Asking for info and insight is a part of that journey.
 
OPs are tiny snippets of life. We often see further clarification in future posts. And Anna is by no means the first or last bisexual person who will express that poly is a vehicle to be able to have concurrent relationships with men and women. As for skills, they are learnt and developed in time given opportunity. Asking for info and insight is a part of that journey.

I think the OP shows a nonchalance towards the cheating myself. Almost if the OP is saying "my cheating isn't as bad (or even bad at all) because I am really poly inside". That's why I view it very differently from the usual new to poly person who is rarely outright cheating anyway. It's usually rigid and unrealistic rules. Not "my therapist and I sat down and said my tendency to cheat is a result of my secret poly/bisexual identity". I just don't buy that. And in my experience, the people usually selling it rarely go on to establish either non-monogamous OR relationships where their bisexuality is overt to their future partners.
 
Simply put, if you feel you are innately poly and cannot control that, do not get into mono relationships. You can't go into a mono relationship thinking it's okay to cheat. There are ethics in mono relationships as well.

I am currently in a mono relationship. I do feel I am innately poly. I made a choice. I could cheat if I wanted to. I won't because I have ethics.
 
Hello Anna,
I read you are in a lot of tension. Pay attention to Galagirls post, she's telling you good stuff.

I think it's best to expect the upcoming conversation with your boyfriend to finalize the breakup.
If you already know that you two are incompatible, you can (IMHO) also make the choice to not tell him about the cheating at all and just break up. That depends, if you believe it will be easier for him to know the truth or to not know it.
If you harbor any hope to continue with him, then coming clean is necessary. You can read about what to expect - it's a harsh article. However, it's very likely that from a place of hurt about being cheated on he won't be able to move into polyamory easily.

Of course coming clean is a radical exercise in honesty. It's usually good to exercise honesty. And it does get easier with practice, and it does become rewarding eventually. But this particular situation doesn't sound like something that can be easy.
Arrange support for yourself (make a therapy appointment, ask a friend to hug you afterwards, schedule enough time to be emotional and/or distractions) and dive into the hard conversation. I am sure you can do it.

Also, please don't be afraid of the occasional disagreement on the forum and do update us on your situation. We are curious people :eek:, but we mean well and sometimes we know stuff.
 
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This has happened over 5 times now and i didn't really fell bad for it because you know, as I see it, monogamy is full of secrets

whoa there young lady. Two wrongs don't make a right.

It is not in our interest to deceive others. All you do is waste time and break hearts. We should treat others as we would like to be treated.

Monogamous relationships, poly, gay, bi, whatever: being forthright works.

and as long as the relationship is still going ok I wouldn't be bothered

Not sure what you mean here, but by definition relationships aren't going okay when the parties have vastly different ideas about its nature. Like one person thinking it is monogamy and fidelity... and the other is at least once a month having sex with different people.

That's a Jerry Springer show.

Do the right thing hon, and take your lumps. Then just live as honestly as you can with others.
 
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