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Old 07-12-2018, 01:57 AM
Node Node is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 4
Default Hello from DC

I hope that everyone is having a great week so far.

First, a big thank you. As someone who is looking for information on the subject, the existence of this forum/repository of knowledge is a valuable asset to someone trying to grasp the edges of Poly.

I am here to understand more about Poly. I am closer to Mono now, I have known the Mono construct my entire life and through 2 extremely long LTRs have also missed out on dating for the most part, in my adult life.

With that being said, I have met someone. She is someone special indeed. She is very much interested in discovering and internalizing on what levels Poly resonates for her. Where they are applicable. Why it evokes the emotional connection it does. She has clearly outlined and openly discussed this upfront with me (did I mention she was amazing?).

I have insecurities. I have envy, jealousy and all of those toxic notions that stem from, what I now believe to be, drawing from my mono construct, attempting to apply it to an entirely different existence. Control masquerading as love. Insecurity, filtering my understanding at a very foundational level and resulting in these emotions that as I acknowledge I have no way to apply my thinking processes/self assessments (because I have never been open to any other options than those mass produced for Monogamous execution) to.. Because I've never been in a relationship with those governing dynamics.

Her depth of inner beauty (INFP and man... she goes deep), is just a powerful thing in the flesh. I am so proud of myself for not abandoning ship. I am understanding how to self-love, and I really want to encourage her to find her answers. Hell, I want to find answers too! And even if the relationship between us, ends up diverging to alternatives that aren't apex for me, I am a firm believer in knowledge as a true currency in life.

You don't know what you don't know, and one piece of information.. A word revealed in a sentence can bring a whole new meaning and understanding with it.

Thank you again for each and every contribution (for those just skimming). I hope to continue learning and being able to further understand myself and possibly aid the person I'm talking to, in discovering what it is she is searching for. Have a great close to your week!

-J
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  #2  
Old 07-12-2018, 01:29 PM
Al99's Avatar
Al99 Al99 is online now
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 890
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Hi J, and welcome to the Forum! I was solidly mono when my wife asked me to transition our marriage to poly just over a year and a half ago - so she could ethically explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend (full story in link below). The information and advice available in this forum proved to be an invaluable resource in making the transition. I believe this forum is arguably the highest quality forum for the intelligent and thoughtful discussion of polyamory on the Net.

We do have a good number of experienced poly folks on the forum who are generally friendly and helpful - so please do not hesitate to post any specific questions and thoughts that you might have on the General Poly Discussion and Poly Relationship Corner sections, both of which are quite active.

I've also read a dozen or more books on Poly as part of my transition process. For a general overview and introduction, I would have to recommend Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino. While a bit dated in certain areas, I feel it remains the best overview. The author discusses the greater sphere of Consensual Non-monogamy (CNM), and poly's place in that realm - as well as a general overview of the ethical practice of polyamory.

I would also recommend the website morethantwo.com which contains a number of good introductory articles and poly glossary. The author's book of the same title is a standard in the poly community, but is long and a bit ponderous. So, while an important read for the dedicated polyamorist, I would postpone it until that decision is actually made.

I also suggest polyweekly.com, a blog/podcast site hosted by Cunning Minx. She produces regular (if not actually weekly) podcasts on the subject of poly which are quite good. She also has over 500 archived podcasts - all free to listen to (and with a search function for topics). She wrote a short book entitled Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up which is quite engaging and only a hundred pages long - which I recommend as a great intro for those who have made the decision to enter into a polyamorous relationship.

Hope these suggestions help - and best of lucky on your journey! Al
__________________
Dramatis Personae:
Me: Al99, poly, heterosexual male, 50's
Becky: married to Al99, poly, heterosexual female, late 30's
Bouncingbetty: ldr girlfriend to Al99, poly, pansexual female, early 30's
Ben: Becky's medium-ldr bf, heterosexual male, 40's
_________________________________________


My Introductory Post - An Unexpected Introduction to Poly.

Last edited by Al99; 07-12-2018 at 01:47 PM.
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  #3  
Old 07-12-2018, 07:42 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 15,198
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Greetings Node,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

To quote Sting, "If you love someone, set them free." Check your inbox, I sent you a PM (with my jealousy resources). It sounds like you are just getting started on your poly journey. Is it just you and this woman so far, or do one or both of you have (an) additional partner/s or see other people? If I'm being nosy just ignore my question, but I was curious. I'm glad you have found Polyamory.com to be helpful so far, and hope that that will continue. Enjoy!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
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  #4  
Old 07-12-2018, 08:52 PM
Node Node is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Al99 View Post
Hi J, and welcome to the Forum! I was solidly mono when my wife asked me to transition our marriage to poly just over a year and a half ago - so she could ethically explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend (full story in link below). The information and advice available in this forum proved to be an invaluable resource in making the transition. I believe this forum is arguably the highest quality forum for the intelligent and thoughtful discussion of polyamory on the Net.

We do have a good number of experienced poly folks on the forum who are generally friendly and helpful - so please do not hesitate to post any specific questions and thoughts that you might have on the General Poly Discussion and Poly Relationship Corner sections, both of which are quite active.

I've also read a dozen or more books on Poly as part of my transition process. For a general overview and introduction, I would have to recommend Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino. While a bit dated in certain areas, I feel it remains the best overview. The author discusses the greater sphere of Consensual Non-monogamy (CNM), and poly's place in that realm - as well as a general overview of the ethical practice of polyamory.

I would also recommend the website morethantwo.com which contains a number of good introductory articles and poly glossary. The author's book of the same title is a standard in the poly community, but is long and a bit ponderous. So, while an important read for the dedicated polyamorist, I would postpone it until that decision is actually made.

I also suggest polyweekly.com, a blog/podcast site hosted by Cunning Minx. She produces regular (if not actually weekly) podcasts on the subject of poly which are quite good. She also has over 500 archived podcasts - all free to listen to (and with a search function for topics). She wrote a short book entitled Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up which is quite engaging and only a hundred pages long - which I recommend as a great intro for those who have made the decision to enter into a polyamorous relationship.

Hope these suggestions help - and best of lucky on your journey! Al
Thank you for the welcome, Al. I appreciate your time. I quickly added, "Opening up" to my reading list and am making my way through it. I also provided my friend with a copy for her to listen to. I'm enjoying it so far.

The supplemental websites and resources will definitely see their time in the sun. I am interested to learn about your progression and how things are working out for you. Being somewhat familiar with general forum practice, and as outlined by the FAQ, I'll do my own due diligence via the search function. Thanks again for the welcome and your wisdom.


Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Greetings Node,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

To quote Sting, "If you love someone, set them free." Check your inbox, I sent you a PM (with my jealousy resources). It sounds like you are just getting started on your poly journey. Is it just you and this woman so far, or do one or both of you have (an) additional partner/s or see other people? If I'm being nosy just ignore my question, but I was curious. I'm glad you have found Polyamory.com to be helpful so far, and hope that that will continue. Enjoy!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Thanks for the welcome and for all of those you have "onboarded" previously, Kevin. I'm sure much of the wealth located within these servers was because people felt comfortable communicating here. Good on you for creating that environment right off the bat!

You're not being nosy at all. Even if you were, from all of the comments I've perused, you are always very compassionate and truthful (which it seems is an attribute of high occurrence here - as opposed to other subject matter forums). I am no longer dating any women. I gently encouraged them to cut ties because I do not feel I am capable of bolstering, or supporting in a healthy way as I process my own issues and barriers. Gotta get right myself.. A few of them are still interested, one very much so.

Again, I need a longer timeline and most likely will not commit to anything outside of talking until I figure things out for myself. They've been warned!

This person that I am interested in, I don't think I would say we are "dating". I think we are seeing if we are interested in "dating", with the understanding of how future relationship dynamics/beliefs could factor in (if one does develop) and attempting to be proactive about it (for me - I see tremendous potential/feel very strongly about our vibe - she on the other hand is processing "never meeting someone like me", because we kind of operate on the same wavelength, think similarly, similar values - chuckle at finishing each others sentences, but wonders if like charges repel and opposites attract). She was interested in Poly before meeting me. I'm here sampling unique cuisine to see if I enjoy and acquire taste for it. So far, there has been nothing displeasing except for realizations about my own weaknesses, previous and existing. But you balance that with forgiveness for oneself as well.. What.. a.. trip..

I'd also like to apologize if I misuse, or misrepresent a key item/vocab. Not my intent, but well.. I know how forums are sometimes. I have a white flag and am unarmed!

She does have another partner. I believe it hasn't been a very long time (I don't remember the specifics sharply - was going through a bit of processing at the time). She explained and laid out what happened, what her plans are, and asked me how I felt about the situation. She does plan to continue seeing him in the future. There are more specifics, but I don't fully understand the disclosure surrounding those things (the act of -- seems to be present in some other threads - and while I'm almost positive it doesn't apply here to a forum ~more so a metamour? - when in doubt, talk - so I'll probably run it by her.. because I do see myself coming back here for assistance poly/mono/anything).

And that's the polycrack for me.

Kevin, I'd never, even as recently as last year, be here.. or thinking the things that I have, giving conscious effort to growing these spiritual/emotional/philosophical aspects that I find truly of value, regardless if I lean towards a specific direction in the future.. If not for the utter grace, depth of thought and non-judgemental environment we spoke/spent time in. Almost like a womb if you will. A bomb shelter. I'd have flown. PHEW! Gone. F'That.

"That's crazy talk."

But, it's not. I can take my time to reflect. If I want to talk about it I can. I have any option that I choose to take. And so does she. I'm safe. I like safe.

I could speak exactly, what I felt. And I did enjoy being able to do that. While you and other readers may be left scratching your heads, unfortunately (or fortunately), that is reality/was reality for me, for a very long time. I can admit that. It feels pretty good too, to be able to admit that.. That's something in and of itself that I'm enjoying while exploring Poly and reading other literature about love.

TLDR: I've recently been on my own for the longest duration in my entire life. Professionally, and personally, my growth has seen parabolic returns over a very short period. Symbiotic in nature they are really accelerating my ability to find and reach places that were previously unknown to me.

So yea.. Thank you again for the support you provide. The PM with all of the links (apologies, should have just searched it out on my own - appreciate it though), basically all the things that go into running a virtual community (mods - <3). I'm here. Learning/growing and enjoying the ride, however and wherever it goes..
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