1: Response of the Culture
So I’ve been paying some attention to this thread as various accusations have been levelled at the board, it’s culture, the moderators, and myself. I’ve been mostly content to let people have their time to process, but there’s some things here which I feel a need to address. Both because I find the constant accusations of the board to be baseless and detrimental to the community, and also because my name is attached to the moderation post which led us here.
At this point, this should be post 60. Not including the original post, and #2, the other 57 posts preceding this have mostly been discussing the atmosphere of the board, and various accusations about how some members treat others, etc.
Not including the 12 posts by moderators, just those by members of the board, there were 2 where I couldn’t tell if they supported the accusations of double standards and a problem with passive-aggressive culture on the board. At the very least they seemed uninterested in the conflict generated:
So fine, let’s look at the accusations...some excerpts from 22 posts worth:
I’d also note that all the above examples about how some people feel the board is unfair to them comes from 2 people (and passing reference that the OP would be a third who may feel similarly).
Some examples I’ve seen in the 22 posts that seem to support the community, mods, or otherwise address the above accusations:
This is the best example here why I think the board and mods are doing something right. Note a disinclination to ad nauseum, that people are entitled to their opinions...an overall positive experience including respect & support.
And what does it say about the culture, that of those who actually braved stepping into this discussion that 8 supported the actions agreed on by 5 moderators? Over the objections of 2, who manage to maintain an equal post count in attempting to discredit the forum?
So I’ve been paying some attention to this thread as various accusations have been levelled at the board, it’s culture, the moderators, and myself. I’ve been mostly content to let people have their time to process, but there’s some things here which I feel a need to address. Both because I find the constant accusations of the board to be baseless and detrimental to the community, and also because my name is attached to the moderation post which led us here.
At this point, this should be post 60. Not including the original post, and #2, the other 57 posts preceding this have mostly been discussing the atmosphere of the board, and various accusations about how some members treat others, etc.
Not including the 12 posts by moderators, just those by members of the board, there were 2 where I couldn’t tell if they supported the accusations of double standards and a problem with passive-aggressive culture on the board. At the very least they seemed uninterested in the conflict generated:
Of the remaining 44 posts, on the surface they would seem pretty even….22 accusing the community of double standards, and passive aggressive behaviour, unchecked insults, and a few other things sprinkled in. The other 22 generally defend the community, or call into question the accusations, the nature of how they arose, and generally try to determine the validity of the accusations, or dispel them.I tried reading through the primary secondary thread because I thought it might relate to some of what I was feeling and seemed to come into a heated argument, so turned away.
So fine, let’s look at the accusations...some excerpts from 22 posts worth:
I'm talking about the general culture and not that specific incident. Whether or not that post was "squelched" or not, or even if the post in question never existed, it wouldn't change my feelings about it.
I suppose that supports my point and lends more justifications to how I feel about the culture of this forum.
This is an online forum that claims to be an open and welcoming forum. I'm merely pointing out that this probably isn't as much the reality of the situation that many would believe.
... "the community" in general seems to hold a double standard that favors passive aggressive insulting behavior ....
I've said I'm disappointed in the culture of this forum.
And the environment that is created for people who fall on the wrong side of that spurious, unclear and sometimes hypocritical standard can indeed be hostile, as Joreth experienced and as I've experienced. That's not about the specific actions of the moderators but about the general culture of this forum.
I'm talking about the double standards I constantly see here and this seeming need protect a certain culture and how, in my opinion (and the opinion of others), that fierce protection creates a space where open honest discussion just can't happen.
Which is why I've repeatedly stated that this is a culture issue, not a moderator issue.
In making this forum a "special place" it has become an unwelcome place for many people. I'm sorry you feel personally offended by the issues brought up, though I'm not sure what you think people are implying about moderators here.
Suggesting that there is an unclear standard and that the community tends to apply double standards based on what's popular ...
I agree. A culture issue which encompasses the moderators as well as the members.
On this last item, I may actually be in agreement with Raven that we’ve been turning a blind eye to some people’s behaviour. Behaviour that might make for an unwelcoming environment. But I’m in complete disagreement about what that behaviour might be...or the source of it.A blind eye being turned from the behavior of some because their opinion is favored does not encourage a welcoming environment. It has been pointed out over and over through the experiences of different members.
I’d also note that all the above examples about how some people feel the board is unfair to them comes from 2 people (and passing reference that the OP would be a third who may feel similarly).
Some examples I’ve seen in the 22 posts that seem to support the community, mods, or otherwise address the above accusations:
Thanks for handling the situation with such clarity and directness.
This forum has been a great place for people who communicate with honesty and respect. I don't think that will change and look forward to continued particiaption by mature respectful people.
I think the endless "no, I'm right and you are wrong!" posts and the "how dare you say xyz because we all KNOW it means tuv" posts are highly destructive to the overall atmosphere, compared to if we let the battle go and worked on showing an example of the type of communication we wish everyone had....
For that reason I feel it's important to stay away from personal conflict, ideologies, agendas etc, ESPECIALLY in a thread that is started with a particular topic.
It really has little value in most cases, is distracting, discouraging (especially to new members or visitors).
Yes, GS, that's the reason I joined this forum (and why I joined and/or started every poly forum/board/group I have been on).
… it seems like there is so much attention and time put into proving a point right or wrong, that there isn't anyone to "talk" to about POLYAMORY and the issues that arise in regards to it.
There are people on here that are trying to utilize this forum to help progress them through personal and heartbreaking decisions. The energy is better used there, IMHO.
Why don't we, as a community, try to give people the benefit of the doubt, including our moderators, unless something is CLEARLY worth the effort of a million posts?
Notice any trends? Fairly different examples…differing viewpoints. Honesty, respect, desire to talk about Poly...disinclination to personal agendas? It’s all there. Also note that the 22 posts include 8 different members...and one of them doesn’t even have a high post count!I have seen more counter-examples than evidence of your claim.
I respect those who try and avoid getting dragged into these vicious circles of trying to 'explain' or 'clarify' an opinion ad nauseum.
<snip>
I also felt hesitation to jump into this topic, however I felt a need to express my support for the lovely, positive people that I have come to admire and respect on this forum.
I have read comments that I may not have agreed with, but I'm frequently blown away by how well spoken and respectful many members are. The majority of members I have 'bantered' with have been supportive and insightful.
This is the best example here why I think the board and mods are doing something right. Note a disinclination to ad nauseum, that people are entitled to their opinions...an overall positive experience including respect & support.
And what does it say about the culture, that of those who actually braved stepping into this discussion that 8 supported the actions agreed on by 5 moderators? Over the objections of 2, who manage to maintain an equal post count in attempting to discredit the forum?