Resources for Mono/Poly Relationships

Bluebird

Well-known member
PunkRockAwesomesauce has told me he wants to get himself into a good mindset about me dating again. He isn't vehemently opposed to the idea and he says he accepts me being poly as an important part of my personality. However, he's never had to experience being with someone who is dating others.

Yeah, he moved in and has now been living with my husband for a little under a year, but that's different. My husband was in the picture when we started dating, and PunkRock says he feels like that was just part of the deal he had to accept when he decided to be with me. It's different when I'm talking about this unknown person.

So, what can I have him read? What conversations should we be having? I feel a little out of my element, because when I started dating previously, my husband didn't have any hesitations and actively encouraged me to find other partners. With PunkRock, he's hesitant and worried, and I want to make sure I go at this with enough space for him to feel cherished and understood.
 
Hey BlueBird!

I did like Franklin Veaux's site, but I know many mono folks *don't* like it. I'm not sure if PRA has read his stuff before or not, but it may be worth pointing him there and discussing it with him.

There is a mono/poly "support" type of mailing list on Yahoo, however a good number of the mono folks looking for support have been blindsided by their spouses, are hurt or angry, and the pain and struggling is palpable. There are a few people there trying to give the list a more positive focus, though, so it may be something he could look into (https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/PolyMono/info). There's also a sister list for the poly partners as well.

Reddit isn't so bad (http://reddit.com/r/polyamory) although you occasionally run into the "if you're struggling, then you clearly need to leave" mentality that isn't always helpful.

I found THIS site (this one! right here!) great, but I understand if you're looking for a bit of internet separation while he navigates his own path.

There are a few personal blogs by folks who are finding their own path in Mono/Poly relationships. One is http://polymonoworks.blogspot.com/ and then there's mine (last link in my .sig).

I guess it's a matter of finding something that resonates with him, and then moving out from there. For me, I found that digging into the Poly sites (this one and reddit) helped me gain a bit more insight into how my partner loves, and accept that yep, it's real, he's not blowing smoke, and it's just different from the way I love. I either ignore, roll my eyes, or push back on any mono-bashing I find. ;)

Hope this helps!
 
PunkRockAwesomesauce has told me he wants to get himself into a good mindset about me dating again. He isn't vehemently opposed to the idea and he says he accepts me being poly as an important part of my personality. However, he's never had to experience being with someone who is dating others.

Yeah, he moved in and has now been living with my husband for a little under a year, but that's different. My husband was in the picture when we started dating, and PunkRock says he feels like that was just part of the deal he had to accept when he decided to be with me. It's different when I'm talking about this unknown person.

So, what can I have him read? What conversations should we be having? I feel a little out of my element, because when I started dating previously, my husband didn't have any hesitations and actively encouraged me to find other partners. With PunkRock, he's hesitant and worried, and I want to make sure I go at this with enough space for him to feel cherished and understood.
I am with one man who is polycurious (and says he probably prefers me to just have one other partner) and one man who is mono. My boyfriend too said he accepted that my husband is part of the package deal, and there is a lot about me being poly that he finds exiting, still I would not feel right dating others besides the two of them. He has already stretched so far to adjust to poly that I don't want to subject him to any more people. He never directly asked me to, but I told him anyway there would be no others.

I don't feel I could take on more people either, seeing how much time and energy that goes into my relationships, and wanting kids as well.

If you want to take on more people, there has to be an active discussion about the details of that. Also, it would depend a lot on the new person you would actually date.
 
If you want to take on more people, there has to be an active discussion about the details of that.

Bluebird is engaged, so I'm guessing she has this in hand.

Also, many people do not need or want to hammer out details ahead of time regarding new partners. Many people come to a place where they allow that their partners will make positive choices and let things go at that. I get the impression that Bluebird is looking for ways to help PRA to get a general sense of well being about her dating.
 
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Murf accepted that Butch was the price he had to pay to have me in his life. But he will not accept me taking on other partners no way no how.

He means so much to me that if Butch were no longer in the picture that I would live monogamously. He means that much to me.

If you take on other partners are you willing to lose Punkrock if he says he can't deal with your taking on other partners?
 
No, I'm not willing to lose him, anymore than I was willing to lose DarkKnight. I truly believe DarkKnight is monogamous though - perhaps for PunkRock, a better description is polycurious. So though he is hesitant, he isn't completely shut down and unwilling to talk. In fact, he's actively giving me safe spaces to discuss things with him. He is giving me lots of supportive feedback and asking for direction.

I wrote on my OKC profile that I wasn't sure if I were looking for a long term FWB or something more romantic, but that I was looking to see how things unfolded. So we'll see.
 
Bluebird is engaged, so I'm guessing she has this in hand.

Also, many people do not need or want to hammer out details ahead of time regarding new partners. Many people come to a place where they allow that their partners will make positive choices and let things go at that. I get the impression that Bluebird is looking for ways to help PRA to get a general sense of well being about her dating.
No, I mean discuss it with both of the partners she currently has, that she wants to take on more people. And my advice is not to just let things loose with a mono partner. It makes for too much insecurities. That may not be the advice she is looking for, but it is the one I give, based on dating a mono. Caring is in the details.
 
No, I mean discuss it with both of the partners she currently has, that she wants to take on more people. And my advice is not to just let things loose with a mono partner. It makes for too much insecurities. That may not be the advice she is looking for, but it is the one I give, based on dating a mono. Caring is in the details.
You obviously do not keep up with Bluebird's blog here, or you would know that she takes care of both her men very well (they all live together) and she is always forthright with both of them about what is going on with her. Norwegianpoly, you would do well to read a little bit more around this site, especially the blogs, and get to know the people here, before giving any advice. A lot of your posts are pretty off the mark because you haven't yet taken the time to learn our members' stories, it seems.
 
You obviously do not keep up with Bluebird's blog here, or you would know that she takes care of both her men very well (they all live together) and she is always forthright with both of them about what is going on with her. Norwegianpoly, you would do well to read a little bit more around this site, especially the blogs, and get to know the people here, before giving any advice. A lot of your posts are pretty off the mark because you haven't yet taken the time to learn our members' stories, it seems.
While knowing members and their stories can be useful, any OP can choose to lay out the basics of the story like in any other Forum. Still, my point is not that she should start to discuss things with them, I rather assume she does that, but that she will benifit from thinking how she wants things and present this to them, especially the mono guy. From what she says in this thread, it sounds like she plans to wing it. She doesn't even know if she wants a lover or a new romantic relationship, she just wants to see what happens. Which I assume will be problematic, since her boyfriend is only half comfortable with her dating other guys (beyond the two) to begin with.
 
Hey BlueBird!

I did like Franklin Veaux's site, but I know many mono folks *don't* like it. I'm not sure if PRA has read his stuff before or not, but it may be worth pointing him there and discussing it with him.

I like his book much better than his website. I think having a co-writer helped leaven his tendency to sound so full of himself.
 
She doesn't even know if she wants a lover or a new romantic relationship, she just wants to see what happens. Which I assume will be problematic, since her boyfriend is only half comfortable with her dating other guys (beyond the two) to begin with.
Not knowing what one wants hardly something to be considered problematic. I think that being open to seeing what happens is the best way to approach most things in life. All anyone can do is prepare for whatever possibilities might present themselves and be open to what life brings you. She could say she wants a FWB but wind up with a third co-primary, and visa versa. If either of Bluebird's partners is uncomfortable with certain aspects of their poly arrangement, it isn't all Bluebird's responsibility to make him okay with it - he would have his own inner work to do, as well.

Bluebird, I think you will learn what you want when you meet someone you click with and sort out together what kind of relationship you both want. It's backwards to create the role or relationship before you actually meet someone. DK and PRA have consistently shown their support and love for you, as you have for them, so as long as you continue to be the considerate, thoughtful partner you are, I am confident you will all be okay. Just make sure that any guys you meet know that you are uncertain and open to seeing what happens.
 
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she will benifit from thinking how she wants things and present this to them, especially the mono guy. From what she says in this thread, it sounds like she plans to wing it. She doesn't even know if she wants a lover or a new romantic relationship, she just wants to see what happens. Which I assume will be problematic, since her boyfriend is only half comfortable with her dating other guys (beyond the two) to begin with.

I have been thinking about what I want, and talking it through with both of them. Unfortunately, I can't really pin it down yet. I'm extroverted and could be open to a number of situations, if they happen to come my way. Yes, this very well could be problematic. However, I have discussed each option - would they be comfortable if I start going to play parties? How much is too much with a part time FWB? What if I do meet someone who could be a primary? I think they've given me honest answers, and neither of them have tried to limit me in any way. What limits I have, I put on myself.

I don't think I want to limit myself on what type of relationship I'd be open to, since structuring that seems premature until I have another person involved. I've talked about this, and both guys have given me their input. My husband could not care less - he's been with me in several different types of poly configurations, and none of them have affected his day to day negatively. He trusts me to make good choices, and I try to do that. If I fuck up, I tell him, and I always do my best to make sure he is 100% happy. PunkRock says he has zero complaints with how I share my love - he doesn't feel slighted or unhappy with how I schedule things. If anything, he is still searching for more free time to paint in his schedule, so he sees another partner as potentially beneficial with that.

I figure I will just wait and see what the new guy - who has yet to reveal himself - would be looking for. Then I'll see if I think it would work. He might have a completely different idea of poly, or schedule. I don't want to say no to something without working it through. Also, I don't believe in giving my guys outright vetos on things. I'm my own person. I do take their needs and emotions under very careful consideration though!
 
I don't think I want to limit myself on what type of relationship I'd be open to, since structuring that seems premature until I have another person involved.

This. Indeed. It really is not possible to know what happens and what form a relationship will take until you meet the New Person. How many times this has been said on this forum? Often in the context of unicorn-hunting, but well, it can happen in other poly configurations, too.

I've talked about this, and both guys have given me their input. My husband could not care less - he's been with me in several different types of poly configurations, and none of them have affected his day to day negatively. He trusts me to make good choices, and I try to do that. If I fuck up, I tell him, and I always do my best to make sure he is 100% happy. PunkRock says he has zero complaints with how I share my love - he doesn't feel slighted or unhappy with how I schedule things. If anything, he is still searching for more free time to paint in his schedule, so he sees another partner as potentially beneficial with that.

Bluebird, you are so lucky to have your guys - and they having you! DarkKnight trusts you because you have proven to be trustworthy over a long time. PunkRock is new to the specific situation and is slightly insecure in how it will affect him. Most likely he will find out that you are you even if you go on dates with others, too. The trust he has for you will grow over time.

Good luck to your new dating adventure, have fun! :cool:
 
I like his book much better than his website. I think having a co-writer helped leaven his tendency to sound so full of himself.

Completely agree. My mono (poly-curious now maybe?) partner and I read both More Than Two and Opening Up together (I read The Ethical Slut on my own, but soon into it realized it would not be my partner's cup of tea--and it wasn't really my own cup of tea, either). Reading them at the same time allowed us to take notes after each chapter and get together to discuss things periodically. I think that (and he has said himself) it helped him a lot.
 
Franklin seems to be a bit of a geek / engineer type, so I guess I can identify with (or, at least, am used to dealing with) folks who are pretty similar, people-skills-wise, and I may not notice it so much. He's certainly a bit of a pedant, but digging past it all, he seems to have some good ideas & realizations. I do think that Eve is adding more "people skills" to the book, though (although I haven't yet finished it - bad me!).

Still, the "Mono Response", "Poly/Mono Dialog", and "Bridging the Divide" pages on his morethantwo.com site were instrumental to helping me feel understood when I felt like I couldn't quite express how I felt in my own words.

Outside of all these resources, though, I wonder if it's mostly that PRA is nervous about the dynamic changing. He understood that BB was married at first, and they worked out their current dynamic over time. Change can be a tough thing, and wondering how a new person in your partner's life will change YOUR relationship with your partner can be difficult. BB, if you are adamant that your relationships with PRA and DK won't change, then maybe all PRA needs is some reassurance, and maybe some time to see that? My best teacher hasn't been any particular book or website; it's been time spent in a relationship with Chops and seeing that he does consider our relationship a priority.
 
Outside of all these resources, though, I wonder if it's mostly that PRA is nervous about the dynamic changing. He understood that BB was married at first, and they worked out their current dynamic over time. Change can be a tough thing, and wondering how a new person in your partner's life will change YOUR relationship with your partner can be difficult. BB, if you are adamant that your relationships with PRA and DK won't change, then maybe all PRA needs is some reassurance, and maybe some time to see that? My best teacher hasn't been any particular book or website; it's been time spent in a relationship with Chops and seeing that he does consider our relationship a priority.

When I talked to him yesterday, he said the hardest thing for him is to think of me being with someone else sexually. He isn't worried about me not balancing time well or ignoring him when I'm in NRE, because he sees how I handle things with him and DarkKnight. Apparently in the past he's had relationships that turn sexless and though he can see that isn't an issue now, it makes him think about those times.

I dunno. We have continued to talk. He asked me out of the blue tonight what it was that made me start thinking about dating now. I told him and we had about an hour long conversation, followed by a half hour of snuggling and a half hour of sex. We pretty much spent the entire day together today, so I am believing he is feeling ok with where we are at.
 
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