Illness and adequate support / Venting

dragonflysky

New member
Just a little background:
My current poly relationship: He: heterosexual; She: bi-sexual, Me: female, heterosexual. None of us currently have other partners. They have had another partner on a rather short term basis a couple of times in the past few years, and they anticipate she will soon be seeking out another partner after completing college in Dec. of this year. We're in the earlier stages of exploring a poly relationship. I didn't go looking for poly, and, in fact, had never heard of it prior to meeting this guy.

My couple is also raising her elementary aged son. They live together in his house which is a 6 hour drive from where I live. We've all met each other and shared 6 days together camping at an S.C.A event earlier this month. She and I got along well and I can see her as being someone I'd like for a friend regardless of any involvement with our guy. Right now I have more of a "secondary" role, although I wouldn't want to be a "secondary" in the long run. I told him this and he said it wasn't what he/they wanted either.



This past week brought up one of my biggest concerns about being in a poly relationship. Who...what...where....gets priority when there are mutual and individual wants and needs????? (Yes....I realize this comes up in mono relationships, but the additional numbers in poly just seem to complicate it more.) I ended up going to the hospital with an undiagnosed condition a little over a week ago. My guy was aware I had not been feeling well earlier that week as he and I had a few phone calls and at times I sought his professional advice since he's a nurse. I called him when the E.R. decided to admit me as an in-patient for further diagnostics and pain control. I reached his voicemail and left a message about where I was, along with a couple of phone numbers where he could reach me, e.g., my emergency cell phone and my hospital room phone.)

As the week worn on I became very frustrated and sad because the doctors couldn't find the source of my pain....only try and manage it. I'm typically an assertive independent intelligent woman whose a good self-advocate. But after several days of pain and frustration I was wearing out. After 7 days in the hospital I was to be discharged so I could be driven 5 hours and evaluated by a specialist. (The area of the country I live in is quite remote and medical services are very limited.) I was still experiencing pain and they hadn't been able to diagnose anything yet at the time of my discharge.

My guy and I had phone calls throughout the time I was in the hospital. I called him the night before my discharge from the hospital to tell him what the plan was. He then told me he wasn't scheduled to work for the next 3 days and that they and her son would be going out of town for those days. I could reach him by his cell phone if needed. The son had a swim meet and they had a couple of other meetings they needed to attend. (I think related to their S.C.A. (Society for Creative Anachronism) involvement.

After I hung up the phone from the call it really sunk in that there had been no mention or offer of cancelling out on his other plans and coming to see me during his 3 days off. (I wouldn't have expected he could do it in the middle of his work week due to the long distance between us.) So far, I'm the one whose done the driving to meet up with them since I'm single and it's easier for me to make room in my schedule and just pack up and go than to re-arrange 3 other peoples' schedules.

Now would I routinely think he should cancel other commitments to come visit me? NO. But this definitely wasn't a routine week for me and I needed/wanted comfort and support. Why bother having a partner if they can't be there for you (including being physically there for you) in difficult times???? I've been divorced for 8 years and lived on my own for all those years. Yes...I can survive on my own, but I'd like a caring partner(s) to share life with. Could I/Should I have specifically asked him if he would change his plans and come to see me??? Maybe...but in all honesty since he was the one with the plans I would have wanted him to bring it up. And I have a hard time when children are involved in terms of commitments and priorities.


Any thoughts about how to handle this situation??? I want to be "fair" and thoughtful of all partners/children in our poly situation, but I'm sure struggling with this one. And who knows.....maybe he wouldn't have wanted to drive that far and come to see me even if he didn't have any prior commitments or plans with someone else??!!
 
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Now would I routinely think he should cancel other commitments to come visit me? NO. But this definitely wasn't a routine week for me and I needed/wanted comfort and support. Why bother having a partner if they can't be there for you (including being physically there for you) in difficult times???? I've been divorced for 8 years and lived on my own for all those years. Yes...I can survive on my own, but I'd like a caring partner(s) to share life with. Could I/Should I have specifically asked him if he would change his plans and come to see me??? Maybe...but in all honesty since he was the one with the plans I would have wanted him to bring it up. And I have a hard time when children are involved in terms of commitments and priorities.

I think thats a fair concern. The idea of having a partner is that they can help. Schedules, while nice to have, should be fluid enough to adapt to special circumstances.

The problem is you not verbalizing your need. Don't assume everyone feels the same sense of urgency or responsibility to people in the hospital. For example. Unless yu verbalize your potential want, you are leaving him to guess. :)

Now that its done, next time you have a date simply bring it up.

Any thoughts about how to handle this situation??? I want to be "fair" and thoughtful of all partners/children in our poly situation, but I'm sure struggling with this one. And who knows.....maybe he wouldn't have wanted to drive that far and come to see me even if he didn't have any prior commitments or plans with someone else??!!

As I said up there, next time mention it to him. Don't expect him to know what you want...that way you don't have to play the guessing game of "why he didn't do it"...

cheers

Ari
 
I agree that making one's needs known is important.

I'm concerned, though, that the man didn't even *ask* about whether she wanted company. I can't conceive of any relationship being considered serious with such an obvious lack of concern (or so it appears to me). That speaks to an underlying assumption that she's simply an accessory to his "real life" and not an integral part of his life.

Or I could just be cranky. Seriously. There are folks who post stories on here who tolerate a great deal more nonsense from others than I would (these days, anyway) and I have difficulty understanding why they'd want to continue on in their relationships without some serious, immediate changes. I figure I likely sound horribly cantankerous to some readers because of that.
 
The problem is you not verbalizing your need. Don't assume everyone feels the same sense of urgency or responsibility to people in the hospital. For example. Unless yu verbalize your potential want, you are leaving him to guess. :)

I agree, this is what what I would say too. It's up to you to tell people what is going on for you and ask for help and extra support. Tell them why and express your gratitude at having so many people to be there for you. People come out of the wood work when people are in need and ask for help. I can see no reason that anyone should not say what they need and give when they can to other peoples needs when they can too.
 
Yeah, it's hard to tell when someone doesn't do something because of poly, or busy lives, or because they're just insensitive and maybe a little bit selfish.

I have to admit, I usually visit people in the hospital more out of guilt and pity than true compassion. Selfish-only-child-syndrome.

Another issue, a lot of people REALLY HATE hospitals. Obviously the person checked-in isn't so crazy about it either, but a lot of people just really can't handle them. So some people will only visit if it's a life-threatening thing where it might be their last chance to see the patient. Personally, I've always been a little fascinated by hospitals and they never bothered me. I like being confronted by mortality, it reminds me to appreciate life.
 
WEll it's possible he hates hospitals.....but since's he's a nurse and she's an EMT I don't think things medical bother them in general! ;)
 
I agree that making one's needs known is important.

I'm concerned, though, that the man didn't even *ask* about whether she wanted company. I can't conceive of any relationship being considered serious with such an obvious lack of concern (or so it appears to me). That speaks to an underlying assumption that she's simply an accessory to his "real life" and not an integral part of his life.

Or I could just be cranky. Seriously. There are folks who post stories on here who tolerate a great deal more nonsense from others than I would (these days, anyway) and I have difficulty understanding why they'd want to continue on in their relationships without some serious, immediate changes. I figure I likely sound horribly cantankerous to some readers because of that.


You hit the nail on the head for me! I keep asking myself if I'd accept this type of response or behavior from a monogamous partner....and I have to say I'm not sure I'd find it desirable in terms of having someone who wasn't more turned into my needs or who would at least ask what I needed from them. I was feeling very vulnerable and not at my best self. I had already told him what was going on with me and he proceeded to tell me their plans to go out of town and that I could be in phone contact with him if needed while they were gone. I didn't feel comfortable at that point in time asking if he'd come to see me instead. It seemed to me that he had made his choice and I didn't want to appear "selfish" by expecting everyone else to change their plans for me.......but I have a feeling a monogamous partner may have done so. At least the type of men I generally have loved in the past would have.
 
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This touches a spot in me because I have chronic health issues, so supporting me in some capacity is part of the package deal when getting involved with me. I have amazing friends who help me in various ways, so I always have support around me. I've learned not to place a lot of demand on any one person (like a partner) and to spread out my requests for help among several friends because it can be too much for one person.

I've experienced different kinds of people since dating with a chronic illness. One extreme of a guy saying, "I'm not a nurse" and leaving me when I hit a rough patch and needed help. To another extreme of a guy who was playing out issues from his past and felt he needed to "save" me. And many, many wonderful people who have enjoyed helping me out, knowing I'm there for them when I'm able to be.

So, all that to say that I have a fair bit of experience with how others respond to me when I'm down and out.

I hear what you're saying dragonflysky, about being single and able to care for yourself and not expecting your guy to cancel plans. I also agree that this wasn't a typical scenario and if ever there was a time you needed support/cancelled plans, this was it.

I hear what others are saying about asking for what you need and I typically agree. But, isn't it more applicable to more subtle needs that may not be obvious? Things that need negotiating, etc? In my opinion, if you are in the hospital in pain and feeling vulnerable, there's a pretty obvious need for support and I think it's understandable that you didn't come straight out and ask for him to cancel his plans.

That being said, it really depends. How concerned was he on the phone? What did he express to you? How connected and cared for did you feel? He may know you as someone who takes care of herself and assumed that you would not want the company. He may have thought you were in good hands and not felt he could offer anything. Sometimes, just knowing a person wishes they could be there for me is enough. Knowing they're thinking of me, even if they aren't changing plans to be there. And people know this of me, so they send lots of caring words and thoughts. And I feel loved. :)

From my experience, a person's mettle shows through during tough situations. That's not to say anything about your specific situation, but I would want to know what you can come to expect in terms of support in the future. This is a new relationship, right? I seem to remember that from reading your other posts. I would want to know what you can expect, what you can ask for, how much your well-being matters, etc. He does have other commitments, so it is more complicated and there are more people to consider, but I would want to know how much of a possibility there is in the future that your needs, in a situation like this, would be considered important enough to change plans. How much of the whole package are you a part of?

Hope this helps.
 
I had already told him what was going on with me and he proceeded to tell me their plans to go out of town and that I could be in phone contact with him if needed while they were gone.

How long have you been involved with the couple? The only thing I can think of to explain the lack of an offer to visit if needed would be if it were a very new relationship and there hasn't been enough time for much emotional investment. That would require a very new relationship, I'm thinking.

It could be an indication that this couple maintains an emotional distance greater than what you're comfortable with. They might treat each other in the same fashion, which means you're not getting treated any worse; that doesn't eliminate the issue that you're not comfortable with that sort of emotional distance, though.

It could be an indication that they're just never going to consider you as important as other things they've got planned.

I think it's something that needs to be discussed, certainly.
 
Thanks rp and AT for your thoughtful responses.

Yes, it is a fairly new relationship. I met the guy online through a dating site in Nov., 2009. (I had never heard of polyamory until meeting him.) We had reg. emails and phone calls ( a few calls included her, his "primary" partner) before meeting in person. All three of us met in-person at their home in mid-April and spent a couple of busy, hectic days together. She wasn't around much of the time due to her school and work schedule, but I enjoyed the time I did spend with her and she told our guy she liked me, too. The first week in June I met up with them....along with all her children and her mother...for an S.C.A. event and we spent 5 days camping together. I worked alongside her at various times, having volunteered to help out. The 3 of us had some mis-communications and hurt feelings come up, but overall we were able to talk about them and resolve them. I enjoyed my time with the family, getting to know the others better, too.

During one of the days at the event I brought up to our guy that I felt very much like a secondary and that wasn't the position I wanted to be in in a poly relationship. He said he didn't mean or want for me to feel like a "secondary", but that things had been so hectic and that they were just more comfortable with one another and knew each other's ways. (What would often happen is that they would make a decision about where and when to eat, and then ask me and the other family members if we'd like to join them. They talked about if/when he might spend the night with me and then tell me "I think it will work out for us to spend Friday night together. Is that ok with you?" Well, I was never involved in the discussion with them as to if and when we would sleep together at all that week...which I would have preferred.)

My couple met within a polysituation. She was married to another guy and our guy became a third in that relationship. The other guy and she subsequently divorced when he chose to be in a mono relationship. She and our guy remained together and each is interested in finding another partner to form a poly family.

She recently asked to be added as a "Friend" on Facebook, which I was very pleased to do. I noticed on her page that she mentioned having several weekends filled up with events. It then struck me as to "Hey....they've got weekends planned out for the Summer. Where do I fit in???" Since we live 6 hours away from each other it's not like getting together can just happen on a casual spur of the moment basis.

I called our guy last night and told him I'd like to talk with him about some of my concerns related to our relationship and to a poly relationship. They were in the middle of an event that involved her son, so I told him I knew it wasn't a good time to talk, but would appreciate having time to talk with him soon.

Heck I don't know what to think!!!!!????? This is so frickin confusing.
 
relationships in my opinion are give and take, support, sharing, loving.... you're in the hospital unexpectedly, of course it is ok to want your guy there.
but i think it is important not to assume. perhaps your guys thought phone calls were enuff support? has this happened before?
in my humble opinion, its important to communicate and in this case be blunt... say "i need you to be here for me, even if it is just for a short time..." buthe in turn needs to communicate with his SO.
and not just what u need but what do the 3 of you need.
i was a secondary in my last poly relationship and on 3 distinct occasions in 3 yrs i had my guy there for me asap because i communicated to him "i need you here" and his SO was ok with it because we all communicated ahead and during said crisis....
 
He said he didn't mean or want for me to feel like a "secondary", but that things had been so hectic and that they were just more comfortable with one another and knew each other's ways.

dragonflysky, I relate to a lot of what you write. The dynamic is completely different coming into an already established relationship. While there are aspects with you and him (and you and her) that are so new, part of the relationship (him and her) is established.

I think you're doing well. You are asking to have a conversation about what you need to talk about. You're also understanding their time constraints and other commitments.

I'm very lucky with Nerdist because he makes such an effort without me even asking to accommodate me, to fit me in, make time in his busy schedule to talk to me or see me, and to fill me in on things that are going on. He hears me and genuinely wants to know how I'm doing. I never question how he feels.

I wonder how you and your guy can talk about what secondary/primary means to him. If you both seem to want to be primary with each other, what does that look like to you and what does it look like to him to have two primaries? Has he thought about how to balance his commitments in situations like this? When the relationship is less new, will there be a time when he can/will change plans when/if you really need him? Etc...

Heck I don't know what to think!!!!!????? This is so frickin confusing.

Yeah, it can be, eh?! I can only give you the same advice I've been giving myself. Take everything one day at a time and really check in with yourself regularly. I'm finding I need to ask myself regularly, "Is this something that feels uncomfortable because it's new? Or am I compromising myself?".
 
I can honestly say I feel for you. Like Roly I have a lot of chronic medical problems and it takes a lot for someone to be involved with me. I'm currently only with my husband, but even for his relationships it has to be considered. They have to know that if I can't move, or am in the hospital, dates will be broken as he will be with me.

That being said, if his g/f needs him, at no time have I said no I'm more important. There was a night a few weeks ago that she needed him and I was in horrific pain. He has NEVER left me when I have hurt that bad, but I knew he needed to go to her. I asked him to get what I may need while he was gone-water, snacks, medication,etc. and let him go.

Honestly if she were in the hospital. we'd probably both be there, and I don't really like being around her at the moment. But she is a part of my husbands life. Part of what makes him happy. I owe her for that.

Granted she lives 30min from us and we don't have kids to take into account, but we go home to ohio quite a bit and that is a 6hr drive. I've done some thinking on it, after reading your posts and honestly if she were hospitalized for unknown reasons, we'd head back here so he could be with her.

The fact that he didn't even ask just blows my mind. If I were dating someone, I'd want both of them with me if I were in the hospital, esp if they didn't know what was wrong!! We seek out relationships to fulfill needs. And one of those needs is to be taken care of. To have someone we depend on there, even just to hold our hand.

Granted , I don't know your whole situation, but I have to agree with those saying it sounds like you are a second thought to him. That just isn't right in my book.
 
Gotta agree with my wife on this one. If my gf was in the hospital, whatever plans I had going on just got cancelled. Period. Likewise, if Mohegan had a medical emergency, I would be (have been) right there ASAP, and I imagine that my gf would be driving me crazy asking what she could do to help :)

The fact that he didn't even offer to change plans or visit..... sounds to me like you're just a plaything to him, dear. That's really messed up, IMO.
 
Hi Mohegan, I'm glad you wrote something here. :) And nice to meet your hubby, Karma. Takes a while to piece everyone all together. :)
 
Gotta agree with my wife on this one. If my gf was in the hospital, whatever plans I had going on just got cancelled. Period. Likewise, if Mohegan had a medical emergency, I would be (have been) right there ASAP, and I imagine that my gf would be driving me crazy asking what she could do to help :)

The fact that he didn't even offer to change plans or visit..... sounds to me like you're just a plaything to him, dear. That's really messed up, IMO.

I must admit I'm starting to feel more like a "plaything". Even after calling him earlier this week and telling him I'd like to talk about some concerns I had about poly and our relationship but that I knew right then wasn't a good time (they were just finishing up a sporting event her son was in), he has yet to call me back. And that was 4 days ago. I tried to call him again last night and left a message that I'd like to talk with him. He didn't return my call. I think this relationship is rapidly falling apart.

Thanks to each of you for your support and feedback.
 
I'm sorry to hear that dragonflysky. I'm sad to hear that he hasn't phoned in 4 days. If it is not nurturing to you, then I would say it's a healthy move for you to distance yourself. I admire how you've explored this, especially given you had never even heard of poly before meeting this man. I hope you gain something positive from it all. :)
 
I'm sorry to hear that dragonflysky. I'm sad to hear that he hasn't phoned in 4 days. If it is not nurturing to you, then I would say it's a healthy move for you to distance yourself. I admire how you've explored this, especially given you had never even heard of poly before meeting this man. I hope you gain something positive from it all. :)

Thanks r.p. Anytime I can learn about something that expands the heart is positive.
 
Well....he and I finally had a long talk about our relationship dynamics and poly. It came up when I had the opportunity to interview for a job that could involve me relocating close to where they live. (We've discussed this as a possibility, in theory, in the past.) What I'm finding out is that while this couple has had some poly experience...they haven't had a lot. And all along I've been "assuming" (and we all know what assuming can do! ;) ) that they were quite experienced in poly and working issues out.

One thing I'm finding out is that both he and she have been in marriages (not with each other) where they felt stifled and controlled by their spouses. Each felt taken for granted by their exs. I've been married twice and must say that has not been my experience. I never felt like my exs were trying to control who I was or where I went. I never felt taken for granted and always tried to keep things fresh and romantic in our relationships. (I don't know for sure how my exs felt, but neither ever complained about those type of issues. Of course since we're divorced...who knows??:rolleyes:)

Anyhow....for the first time he shared some of his deep feelings for me....said he misses me...and really thinks it could work out for all of us eventually to be a "family". I'm still not certain....but I'm not giving up on the idea totally.
 
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Talk is cheap, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's lying. Don't get all attached to him/them until he proves that he wants you to actually be a part of their lives. Actions speak louder than words.
 
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