I think I'm poly--what if I leave my marriage and find out I'm not?

OP, I think people in this thread are being a little harsh on you. Personally, I understand having affairs when you've exhausted the honest method. Plenty of people have affairs, and while it isn't right, it's in some ways a more socially valid option than poly. That is something to be aware of if you decide to embark on a poly life--you might be judged more harshly for being poly than for being unfaithful, actually. Affairs can be regarded as mistakes or slip-ups, and people are generally 'properly' ashamed of what they're doing in them--whereas when people see me out openly with my boyfriend while we're both wearing wedding rings and our spouses are at home, we clearly have no shame. That galls some people.

I think it sounds like your marriage isn't giving you what you need. Whether that's because you're poly or for some other reason isn't clear. I think either way you need to be honest with your husband about what you think you need--is it more sex? more variety? more emotional connections? people to spend time with when he's at work? a larger community to plug into for childrearing? Depending what you need, there may be other, even better solutions besides sex with other people.

Be honest with yourself first. What do you need? Then communicate it to your husband. Can he support you in that? If he can't, the relationship must end. And then you can decide what to do about poly from there. The real question IMO isn't whether you're poly; it's whether you can be partnered with this man.
 
PassionFlower, I was in a very broken and miserable marriage and would have done anything to feel, including cheating on my (now ex) husband. luckily I had a friend who helped me get into therapy and I sorted out the issues with my marriage, before I ended up in a situation of using other people. it took awhile to figure it out, but ultimately I realized I had to end my marriage. the aftermath was really ugly, my kids were emotionally damaged and so was I, and we ended up homeless, but that was because of my ex's nastiness. it didn't need to be that way but that's how my ex wanted it.

even after the divorce it took years for me to sort out what I really want, which is ok. in the marriage I was mono and straight because I had to be, to survive. now that no one can dictate to me what I do, I know I'm poly and bi, just like I was before I got married. I suppose it isn't as hard for some people to sort it out as it was for me, but I was in a very psychologically abusive situation and it damaged my faith in myself.

I just think that you could benefit from therapy to help sort out what you want and need to do. you might not need it as much as I did, but if you can find a good therapist it sure won't hurt.
 
just wanted to comment on this little paragraph that really struck me:

But if I knew for sure I would be alone for the rest of my life would I choose to leave? No. What we have is better than not being with anyone. If I knew for sure that I would find someone(s) to love and care for who could also love and care for me, in the context of having multiple lovers, then I would definitely leave. But what I have is the unknown.

Yes, what you have is the unknown. And you.
For me, one of the biggest changes that living the poly-life has brought me, is that I started to realize that the unknown is really the only certainty I have. Thinking that someone will love you for the rest of your life may be comforting, but its a false sense of security.
Your husband could leave you, you know. He could fall in love with someone else. You THINK that this is impossible and will never happen, but look around you, these things happen all the time, to people who thought it would never happen to them.

Embrace the unknown. Anything can happen, what can you do to make it happen? And how will you respond and react when the things happen that you did not plan for?
 
OP, I think people in this thread are being a little harsh on you. Personally, I understand having affairs when you've exhausted the honest method.

Frankly, most people here will be harsh against actively seeking affairs because most of us have seen the damage they cause to a relationship first hand, either as the cheater or the one cheated on. Trying to repair a relationship after an affair is extremely difficult and it takes YEARS to rebuild that trust again, if at all. It may be socially more acceptable, but utterly devastating to the person your cheating on. I've noticed at some of the strongest opinions against cheating comes from those that have cheated on their partner and found it was not worth the overall damage it caused.
 
Frankly, most people here will be harsh against actively seeking affairs because most of us have seen the damage they cause to a relationship first hand, either as the cheater or the one cheated on. Trying to repair a relationship after an affair is extremely difficult and it takes YEARS to rebuild that trust again, if at all. It may be socially more acceptable, but utterly devastating to the person your cheating on. I've noticed at some of the strongest opinions against cheating comes from those that have cheated on their partner and found it was not worth the overall damage it caused.

Sure, but what's done is done. She's had the affairs and there's no sense crucifying her. And plenty of people do it. She's not a monster or something. That's all I mean.
 
This is my first post on this thread but I've read all the way through.

I would agree with noob on this issue.

I have never cheated, personally I am against it. However, my partner has. He cheated many times when struggling in a long-term mono relationship. Whilst I do not condone his actions, I can understand them and I do not believe that he is a 'monster' because of it.

Everyone makes mistakes, Passionflower has admitted to them so the focus should not be on those mistakes but on helping to support her in what she's currently going through.
 
Sure, but what's done is done. She's had the affairs and there's no sense crucifying her. And plenty of people do it. She's not a monster or something. That's all I mean.

You know, I am sort of new here, and am admittedly not immersed in the poly community - am not poly myself (bf is.) So, grains of salt for the outsider and all of that.

But, I have been married before, and there was infidelity in the marriage - which was devastating to both parties. Two and a half weeks from now will be the 3rd anniversary of the discovery day...not that I'm still counting (I totally am).

I had difficulty processing the rest of PassionFlower's story after reading about the secret infidelity at the start of it. Seems to me that cheating and being poly have nothing at all in common.

PF might be poly, but that's an unrelated separate issue from the dishonesty and cheating. Seems to me that blurring the line between the two diminishes what poly is for those who practice it ethically and with love.

I have not walked in anyone else's shoes and I realize that people cheat - but why we tolerate that as a culture with a shrug and a "Well, plenty of people do it, so there it is" attitude is baffling to me.

Cheating shatters people's lives and psyches.

The reasons for the cheating don't matter. No one deserves to have their trust violated.

I say this as the cheater.

I should have left, sought counseling, found another solution waaaay before I did. He rained down abuse on me for years that I tolerated, rationalized, and honestly, invited. Recovering from the damage he inflicted might take me a lifetime.

He still didn't deserve that, though, and I do believe it made me a monster.

Which has been very, very hard to live with. Owning up to it being something inside of you that no one else made you do is ugly. But not to would be to remain monstrous indefinitely.
 
There is a saying that "once a cheater, always a cheater." Its kind of along the lines of "once and alcoholic, always an alcoholic." This saying doesn't mean that a person can't sort themselves out and achieve integrity, honesty and empathy in their lives, it means that there are some behaviours that never are completely out of someone's character even if they move on to a way of being that works for them better and those they have relationships with. It doesn't make them a monster, it makes them human. Smoking, drinking, being dishonest, drinking coffee etc. all seem to be addictions that stay with a person for life, regardless of whether they do them any more. Getting away with deceiving a partner is in that list of addictions I think.

Just because something is more sociably acceptable doesn't mean its the direction to go. Frankly, I'm appalled that cheating has become so acceptable. There are even sites to help people cheating hook up! Appalling! As I am part of society I figure I can make change happen as to what is acceptable by not accepting cheating as acceptable. To me it just isn't.

Unspoken don't ask don't tell policies between people under certain circumstances is as close as I get. Prompting people to choose the addiction of deception in the form of cheating on their partner to get their needs met rather than taking radical action to change their circumstance is irresponsible to me.
 
Getting away with deceiving a partner is in that list of addictions I think.

I disagree with this very strongly, and I say that as someone who has cheated.

I am not trying to defend cheating here, just to say that "getting away with deception" is not necessarily a motivating factor or a thrill.

At the time I cheated I'd never even heard of polyamory, wasn't aware of it as an option.

It is definitely possible to have cheating be a step on the path that you have no desire to return to.
 
I think thinking of and treating any kind of deception, including cheating, as an addiction can can be useful for some people. However, just like I don't believe "once a cheater, always a cheater" applies to everyone who cheats at one time or another, I don't believe everyone who cheats is addicted to deception. It's one way to look at it that might help some individuals, but dangerous when taken as a blanket statement or cure-all.
 
As far as being on my own, it seems to me there are very few people who actually want and plan to live life without partners or lovers. I know I can be on my own, and I will be okay. I know that if I leave I have to acknowledge that this may be my life. But if I knew for sure I would be alone for the rest of my life would I choose to leave? No. What we have is better than not being with anyone. If I knew for sure that I would find someone(s) to love and care for who could also love and care for me, in the context of having multiple lovers, then I would definitely leave. But what I have is the unknown.

I was struck by this statement. Others have commented that really, all we have is the unknown.

PassionFlower, have you ever been alone - as in single, living on your own (or with kids) as an adult? I ask because I've seen this pattern of not wanting to be alone - single or living alone or both - from many women who got married young, never lived by themselves or with roommates, who were often raised in traditional Christian families and communities. They fear being alone over all else. You note that you know you will be ok if you were on your own. I believe you. I do wonder though if you deep down know and believe that about yourself.

This just seems like such a sad statement that you would rather stay in a bad situation, a bad relationship rather than live on your own, see what's out there, what you can make out of life. And this is regardless of if you end up embracing polyamory or not. It's deeper than your preferred relationship style.

You are clearly willing to take risks and experiment - you've been testing out various ways to get what you need outside of your marriage. Being willing to be alone is different from wanting to be alone. You are correct that most people do want some connections from partners in life. But I've found that unless one is willing to be alone, and like it, embrace it and learn its lessons, then I am not fully authentic and geniune. I can't be because I am hobbled by fear. I'm not saying you are not authentic - this is my experience. Maybe it speaks to you, maybe not.
 
Why "and like it"? I agreed with most of what you posted, opalescent, but what does liking being alone have to do with not fearing it? I don't like being alone. I can be alone, but I don't like it. And I don't think it's necessary to like being alone to be able to embrace being alone.

I agree that being alone is better than being in a bad relationship and isn't something to be feared, but I can completely understand trying to find other alternatives first!

ETA: Also, I consider myself pretty authentic and genuine. I don't avoid being alone so much that I feel the need to be fake in order to be accepted. Perhaps you and I just learned different lessons about ourselves.
 
Why "and like it"? I agreed with most of what you posted, opalescent, but what does liking being alone have to do with not fearing it? I don't like being alone. I can be alone, but I don't like it. And I don't think it's necessary to like being alone to be able to embrace being alone.

I agree that being alone is better than being in a bad relationship and isn't something to be feared, but I can completely understand trying to find other alternatives first!

ETA: Also, I consider myself pretty authentic and genuine. I don't avoid being alone so much that I feel the need to be fake in order to be accepted. Perhaps you and I just learned different lessons about ourselves.

I find it is generally easier to not fear something if you like that something.

TGIG, are you an extrovert? My extrovert peeps often find being alone really taxing and difficult. I'm an introvert and so I require alone time to function.

Your point is well taken. Learning to like being alone would be more pleasant but not required.

It's just that I consider learning to be alone to be a prime skill of adulthood. It's so important that I personally consider people who can't be alone (not just don't like it but actually can't stand their own company and do anything to not spend time by themselves) not to be complete adults. Yes, that is a value judgment on my part.
 
Maybe wording the goal as "finding satisfaction and comfort" in being alone is more accurate than "liking" it. I think it is hugely beneficial to be able to find that satisfaction in aloneness; otherwise we are always looking for someone or something to fill that place instead of just being comfortable alone with ourselves.

This video has been been shared in these forums before, but I think it's appropriate now: How To Be Alone

Bu I want to point out a distinction to the OP. Passionflower, when someone suggested you live on your own and said that it is important that we learn to be happy with ourselves, you responded with: "As far as being on my own, it seems to me there are very few people who actually want and plan to live life without partners or lovers. I know I can be on my own, and I will be okay. I know that if I leave I have to acknowledge that this may be my life. But if I knew for sure I would be alone for the rest of my life would I choose to leave? No. What we have is better than not being with anyone. "

That struck me as a very all-or-nothing viewpoint. If someone said to me that I should learn to be on my own, I don't interpret being on my own as being alone and without partners or lovers. No one is saying to go off the grid and live like a hermit in a cabin deep in the woods. It is just that your marriage does not seem to be a nurturing thing for you and you would rather be with people or in situations that aren't good for you just to stave off loneliness, rather than to leave and discover how to create a satisfying life for yourself -- and then have people in your life who add to it in uplifting, healing ways and support you in being who you are.

So, I just wanted to point that out because your view about having to be alone and with nobody in your life is such a stark contrast with what I think of as being on your own.
 
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I had difficulty processing the rest of PassionFlower's story after reading about the secret infidelity at the start of it. Seems to me that cheating and being poly have nothing at all in common.

They have non-monogamy in common. One is ethical, one is not. Some poly folks start out cheaters because they don't know another way. It's not defensible, but it's somewhat understandable IMO.

I should have left, sought counseling, found another solution waaaay before I did. He rained down abuse on me for years that I tolerated, rationalized, and honestly, invited. Recovering from the damage he inflicted might take me a lifetime.

He didn't do this stuff because you cheated--he did this because he was a jerk. Cheaters don't deserve abuse; no one does. I'm sorry this happened to you.

He still didn't deserve that, though, and I do believe it made me a monster.

Well, I guess that's why you tolerated his abuse, then. :(
 
Really, my opinion is, if you leave your marriage and find out you're mono... so what? There are plenty of mono people, and you wouldn't be thinking of leaving your marriage if it was perfect.

But my opinion on relationships is, the default is not to be in one. If I am in one, to stay in it I need to want it so much that I can't believe my luck to be in it. That I can't imagine my life without this person, no matter how many other people I have a chance to be with instead. That I would give years off of my life to be able to spend the remainder with this person.

That's how I deal with all my relationships. If it changes to "meh, it's alright" then the relationship is in danger. And if it can't be fixed, I'd rather be without that person (regardless of whether it means being alone or not).

But you seem to think of it in different terms. For me, if a relationship is neutral instead of good, it's not worth it. For you, it seems, if a relationship is neutral but not bad, or bad but only a little bit, it's still better than nothing.

I don't think so. Nothing is neutral. Neutral is the same as neutral, and a little bit bad is worse than neutral. And if that nothing has a chance to become something else, as it always does, then it becomes a positive, and therefore better than a neutral relationship.

And I'm of the opinion that there are tons of people you could be happy with. And I think there is no reason to prioritize someone just because they happen to be right here, as opposed to making you happy for instance.

I think in your case, I would probably break up even if I was sure I'd never meet someone else. But I can't be certain about that, because the idea of never meeting someone else seems incredibly ridiculous. I meet people pretty much every day.

Bottom line, in my opinion, is that you're in a relationship when you're not free to be yourself, to discover who "yourself" is. That's not a good relationship. Whether you are mono or poly, you need a relationship where you're on the same page with your partner(s) for things that important.
 
There is a saying that "once a cheater, always a cheater." Its kind of along the lines of "once and alcoholic, always an alcoholic." This saying doesn't mean that a person can't sort themselves out and achieve integrity, honesty and empathy in their lives, it means that there are some behaviours that never are completely out of someone's character even if they move on to a way of being that works for them better and those they have relationships with.

I detest that phrase. I once cheated on my husband; that does not mean I am a cheater. The idea is that once you've screwed up, you can never ever not be screwed up in the future is sad and offensive.

I will never cheat again.

And as someone who lives with an alcoholic husband, comparing the two is simply just beyond the pale. It's not an addiction. A serial cheater may indeed have an addiction, but just because someone has cheated does not mean they are destined to repeat the past, if they ever expose themselves.

I had moments alone with my ex, that I desperately wanted to be with him, and be damned the consequences. But I didn't, because that would have caused untold pain to everyone involved.

Addiction is not a character flaw. It's a disease.
 
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