Should I offer him an open marriage?

researching

New member
Hi everyone, aside from just spending about an hour lurking around reading old threads, I am brand new here and really in need of advice.

I am trying to decide if I should offer my husband an open relationship.

I've been with him for more than 10 years, and married for more than 7. I was a virgin when we met, but he was very much not.

Up until (literally) two days before our daughter was born, we had a fantastic sex life, with nearly identical sex appetites and tastes.

Then childbirth happened, followed by nearly two years of breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is designed to kill your sex drive - you're supposed to be nourishing your existing baby, not conceiving another one, after all - but I thought once she was weaned things would get back to normal. Instead, it's more than two years later and I still have next-to-no interest in sex. We've slowly worked our way back up to about once a week, but it's something I regard more as a chore than something to look forward to. I barely even masturbate anymore, and I used to do that several times a day, even when my husband and I were having sex daily, or close to it.

My husband, meanwhile, still wants sex every day and I know the last four years have been really hard on him. He has been incredibly patient and considerate so far, but I am making no progress at all on re-finding my sex drive and I feel awful about it. I've been thinking for months about offering him an open relationship as a way to make sure his needs are met while I'm trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and fix it, but I'm scared it could make things even worse.

My main concern is how to do it without destroying my sexual confidence even more. I've always been a little insecure sexually, partly due to natural shyness and lack of confidence and partly due to his much greater sexual experience level, but it was mostly covered up by sheer sexual appetite in the past. Now that the appetite is gone, the insecurity is all that's left. I can tolerate, and even enjoy, a little good old fashioned missionary action (missionary was always my favorite anyway) but when he wants me to take a more active role, I balk. I don't enjoy it that much in the first place, thanks to the dead sex drive, and I feel incompetent, silly, or both. This hurts him, which makes me feel more guilty and more insecure...

He's a very attractive and charismatic man and will have no trouble finding extramarital action if that's the course that we decide to take, but I'm afraid that seeing him satisfied by other women in ways that I no longer can will do even more of a number on my sexual confidence issues.

Does anybody have any advice or tips for how this could work?

Sorry for the novel - I figured I'd get better advice if I was thorough. I'll be happy to answer any other questions people have also.
 
Gosh, that's a tough one. I don't think opening your marriage just so he can get some sex is the best idea... What have you done to increase your interest in sex? Some people do have low sex drives, and some are actually asexual.

Have you talked to a doctor? You might have a low thyroid issue happening. That can affect sex drive. Thyroid issues are quite common after pregnancy.

I had next to no sex drive while breastfeeding. But I think it was mostly exhaustion from caring for my kids. I had 3 kids in 5 yrs. My youngest breastfed til he was 4. When he was down to one nursing a day, and finally sleeping like a log all night, my sex drive came rushing back, like crazy! I've been making up for lost time ever since.

However, I had plenty of other parnters before I met my soon to be ex husband, and lots of sex drive before kids and finally, after. And since he and I broke up, lots more sexual exps as well. Missionary is delicious, but there is so much more out there.
 
I'm going to second Magdlyn on this one, you should see a doctor first to talk about the problem.

There's also the distinct possibility that even if you do offer your husband the option you're still the only one he wants to be with. Up until I met someone myself fairly recently (and even then I'm moving very slowly with that) I couldn't imagine being with anyone but my wife even though the option was there. It may be the same for him despite his previous experience.

More than any of that, though, you should do it for yourself. Don't put yourself in the position of doing things you might not want to do just to make him happy at the cost of your own happiness. If you choose to go the direction of an open marriage, you need to do it because it's what you both want.
 
One of the advantages of poly is that one person doesn't have to be "everything" for the other. For example, if he liked horror movies and you did not, he could go with someone else. However, most of those types of examples could be accomplished with a good friend. Sex is kind of different.

There are some good poly situations in which someone was into BDSM or some fetish that their partner was not interested in. So it worked out well for their partner to find someone else who was also into that kink. It is somewhat similar to your situation in which you have very different sex drive than your husband. An open relationship can see to it that both of your needs are met. So I don't think it is a bad idea.

However, I do agree with the others that you should see a doctor. But it may also be stress from feeling like you have to give out sex. If it were an option, you may feel better to act on your sex drive. Also, if you ever dated someone, some NRE may kick in and help your sex drive.

My wife is in a very similar situation to what you are in. Her sex drive has been dropping over time. It started out daily when we met and now it is a struggle to go for once a week. She has been to her doctor, but the doctor didn't find anything wrong.
 
This is a tough one. I don't know enough about poly yet so maybe I shouldn't even be answering.... but it sounds like your marriage is pretty strong in all other areas.
I think what might happen is that intially you will be quite happy that his sexual needs are being met; but that when you will feel threatened is if you see any signs that he is enjoying an emotional relationship with the new partner.
On the other hand, this big thing (you worrying about your sex drive) has been hanging over you for a long time. You might even find that taking the pressure off for a time, your enjoyment of making love might start to come back.
 
More than any of that, though, you should do it for yourself. Don't put yourself in the position of doing things you might not want to do just to make him happy at the cost of your own happiness. If you choose to go the direction of an open marriage, you need to do it because it's what you both want.

Oh I SO want to echo this. Please, please don't do anything for him! He is a good man for being patient, but I don't think opening your marriage is going to help AT ALL if you are where you are now. It will just complicate things.

Be patient my friend. You have a 4 year old it sounds like. I got my drive back around the time my boy was 5. I mean really back! I just kept at it until my hormones changed. PN, my husband and I watched porn together, talked about fantasies, masturbated together, had basic connecting sex (missionary is very connecting) and then my drive began to rise. Now it's back where it was... which is similar to where you were. I would suggest that that woman is still there, just your hormones haven't changed back enough yet. They will eventually if you are patient, but if you start messing around with an open relationship and getting stressed out that your man is not happy then I fear it could keep you from getting there.

If upon taking this into your own hands nothing changes to your sex drive, perhaps some couples therapy and medical assistance would be a good choice and worth exploring.



Quath brings up a good point that it could be that your drive will increase if you add others to your relationship and you might find that eventually you are interested in experiencing that. Go for it if you feel you are ready and have done a lot of processing about how that would manifest, what your goal is with that kind of lifestyle. But please don't try that out in the state you are in right now. You need to be confident, secure, and feel empowered to be able to say no to it as much as yes... even in the moment it could happen that another is in your sex life...

I say "another in your sex life" because no matter how you think of it in terms of your husband with another or others, this other persons WILL be a part of your life because once he goes there, there is no turning back and you will have to deal with the out come. It might be a one night stand where he never sees the person again, but that kind of energy can last a life time in a relationship. Be prepared for that. It could change a perfectly good connection into a devastated one.
 
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Not everyone is poly. Some people bond through sexual intimacy. My concern is that your husband is like me...capable of only loving one person intimately. You may end up losing your husband or end up being a babysitter. There is also the potential that the idea of your husband having sex with another woman will completely turn you off of him...not everyone gets turned on by the idea of their partner with another. I defintely agree you should seek medical advice. Be careful opening this pandora's box; it is full of a potentially very destructive energy called NRE. Some things cannot be undone.
 
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Besides the potential thyroid issue, what is going on emotionally/romantically between you? You need intimacy and good couple energy to feel sexy. Or, I mean most women do. Do you get out on dates? Is your son ready to spend a weekend with a trusted friend or family member?

It can be hard to switch from mama to sex kitten on a dime. One needs to make that transition.
 
Besides the potential thyroid issue, what is going on emotionally/romantically between you? You need intimacy and good couple energy to feel sexy. Or, I mean most women do. Do you get out on dates? Is your son ready to spend a weekend with a trusted friend or family member?

It can be hard to switch from mama to sex kitten on a dime. One needs to make that transition.

Very good point Magdlyn! Thanks for pointing that out... I remember getting on that. Hard work, but very worth it. If came after the staying in and doing sexy things together like the porn watching etc. Then we went out and I dressed up, got active physically, felt good about my bod again and felt I could rock it in bed shortly after. Perhaps a regular date night would help for these two!
 
My question is this: Have you discussed it with him? The whole discussion is useless until that happens.
 
Thanks for so many replies, folks. Very much appreciated!

Regarding possible medical causes for the low sex drive, I haven't had a full workover done, but basic blood tests didn't find anything abnormal. I know a few of the psychological issues that are contributing (and yes, lack of couple time is one of them - in addition to the early bird 4 year old, we've got a night owl sister-in-law and her 13 and 6 year old sons in the bedroom across the hall), but don't have an immediate fix for them. The sister-in-law tries to go visit other relatives as often as possible, but she and the boys have school, so it's usually only weekends they can get away, and sometimes not even then. They will be with us a couple more years at least. We also sometimes send our daughter to visit her grandparents, and all three of them love that, but it's not something we can do every day!

I am looking into getting an IUD, which may help with another of the underlying psychological problems - I've had two miscarriages (after our daughter was born) and now is a bad time for another kid even if I were prepared to deal with the possibility of that again, which I'm not.

Regarding his opinion, I have brought the possibility up briefly during angsty heart-to-hearts over this problem, but it's not something we've sat down and discussed seriously. His reaction so far has been mixed. He's had open relationships in the past, but only two were more than short flings or friends-with-benefits situations, and even those two were just a couple years apiece. It has been a long-time fantasy of his to have a threesome with me and another woman (he's had several with previous girlfriends and enjoyed them), and he often pretends there's someone else in bed with us, but "she" always disappears at the end. Ultimately, it is me he wants. I guess I'm just afraid that if this keeps up, it will start driving a permanent wedge between us. As I said in my original post, he's been very patient, but I can see he's frustrated and sometimes hurt by being turned down so often.

redpepper and magdlyn, thanks for sharing about your recoveries from this problem - it's comforting to know there's still hope!

vodkafan and MonoVCPHG, thanks for the warnings. I do think you're right that seeing him sharing an emotional (romantic) connection with another woman would be much more devastating than a physical one. He's certainly been capable of casual sexual relationships and one night stands - he had many in college - but maybe less so now. You've definitely given me food for thought.
 
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well there you go, more info... sister-in-law, early rising child, two miscarriages. You are being hard on yourself I think! That is a lot to sort out first. At least you have a babysitter close by! Perhaps she will look after your child for a weekend...?

I had a miscarriage at 4 months in and it was devastating. I don't care who is out there that says I should just shrug it off and think it shouldn't effect me. For someone who connects easily and deeply with others my girl child was no different. I can completely understand how this could cause some later sex issues.

It sounds like there are a few things to do before the idea of welcoming another into your life. A good conversation and a plan of how you are going to progress would be good to start. Making a list and doing it and seeing what happens would be a first before introducing another into your life.
 
Hi Researching, the more I read the more I think that poly would be wrong for you.
I don't think it is surprising at all that your libido is low with all those other concerms you have with people in your house and all the kids.
Here's a little snippet from my married life: after one of our children was born , many years back, my wife went through this and we had sex only about 4 times in one year (yes I was counting)
I was frustrated. But guess what? I didn't die. And we stayed married.
 
You mention your husband being patient, which is good. But how much help does he give you with raising your child? I've heard of a lot of new moms feeling alone in child-rearing, and that it can also have an effect on their sex lives.

I'll wager that if your husband still has energy for daily sex, then he hasn't been chasing 4-year-olds all day!! It's 2010, and gone are the days of "Dad's job is to bring home the bacon and then come home and put his feet up and be taken care of by Darling Wife after she's been taking care of kids all day."

I had a miscarriage at 4 months in and it was devastating. I don't care who is out there that says I should just shrug it off and think it shouldn't effect me.

People have the gall to say that to you? That's horrible! Of course it should affect you! Having a miscarriage is losing a child, and that's the hardest thing anyone can go through.
 
I'll wager that if your husband still has energy for daily sex, then he hasn't been chasing 4-year-olds all day!! It's 2010, and gone are the days of "Dad's job is to bring home the bacon and then come home and put his feet up and be taken care of by Darling Wife after she's been taking care of kids all day."
.

I've complained about this before. I was a stay at home, homeschooling mom. My husband would get up on a weekday, eat breakfast and drink coffee unmolested, shit shower and shave... alone! And head out to work. Meanwhile, I'd be nursing the baby, feeding the older ones, breaking up fights, getting them dressed, while my coffee went cold and I was unfed.

Then my ex would have his commute, enjoy music, news or a book on tape in the car, work, often eat lunch out with his co-workers. Thai food! While I was lucky to go to McDonalds w the kids from time to time. Actually he also wanted me to pack his lunch if he didnt have restaurant plans. He'd get all resentful that I didnt really have time to make him a lunch with all the other things I had to do in the mornings.

He'd get home at 8PM, I'd give him 20 mins to go to the bathroom and eat the nutritious delicious dinner I'd cooked. Sometimes I'd have to start cooking dinner right after lunch to get it done before baby meltdown period around 4-7. Then he'd rile the kids up with active games for an hour. Maybe he'd help w baths and pjs and stories after that, to calm them down, maybe not. Quite often he'd have to work late and not be home to help with bedtime at all.

Once they were all asleep, he'd want sex??? I'd be totally touched out and exhausted more often that not. If he'd brought me home some pad thai and did a load of laundry, or something, on a regular basis, when he got home, maybe things wouldve been different.
 
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Wow Mags. Talk about a "stereotype" that has a basis in REALITY. I've never had to go through that and don't wish it on anyone, but I don't need first-hand experience to be able to tell when something has the ring of truth.
 
SchrodingersCat (love the name!), hubby did made the mistake early on of going right back to a full work schedule (which was 14-16 hours days for him at that time) and it did not end well, so he has been much better since. The worst damage from that period has been repaired for some time now, and we're working on patching over the remaining cracks. I think on my part that petty resentments do build up faster than they used to because of it, but we have discussed this many times and he's good about backing off when he realizes he's tromping on thin ice.

So, he is not the most hands-on dad in the world, but not useless either, and in between him, his sister, and the older nephew, I actually have quite a bit of help around the house. Even the two little ones pitch in. Younger nephew was a bit spoiled when he first moved in and we have been disabusing him of the notion that other people exist to serve him. :p

Anyway, though, I think you guys are talking me out of trying this, certainly for right now. I need to work on my insecurity more before I'd feel comfortable allowing anyone but a faceless one-night-stand in his life and my vague hope that some NRE (if I can find it) might help pick my sex drive back up is kind of hypocritical. Thank you so much for all your thoughts. You've really helped me think through the implications of this a lot more clearly.
 
Hi Researching and welcome !

First, I agree with the overall sentiment of most of the respondents so far that opening a marriage, considering poly etc should not be looked at as a solution for your current problem.

Next, as others have mentioned, it's very common, bordering on 'normal' (whatever that is ?) for new mothers to lose some to all of their sex drive. The focus (mentally, emotionally) is on the child now. It's largely a biological thing.

BUT (big but here) you have at least identified this as a problem - and it IS ! A potentially serious one ! Sex is an important part of being human and maybe more-so for men at some points. Sexual difficulties are probably the single largest reason problems start to develop in relationships. There's lots of others but this seems the most common starting point. From there all manner of things that can follow but often it started here.

But it's not all about HIS needs either ! It's about yours too. You are a sexual creature and sexuality is important to your own well being. It's a great mood stabilizer, good for your heart, good for your self esteem and just plain good in general ! :)

Pregnancy, childbirth, all that goes with that, brings hormonal shock but a lot of it is between the ears. It's natural for this little one to seem to demand all the priorities but I think that you should realize that having a loving, close family (or lack of) will present much more danger to him/her long term !

I highly recommend getting back on the sexual wagon as soon as possible. Do whatever works for you to get there. Get back to masturbating as much as possible and let all the erotic/kinky images play through your head. If you like things like porn, make time to watch together. Think about fantasies you may have had and talk about them. Work towards fulfilling them. In short, try to put some focus on sexual thoughts. It won't be long and your body should follow naturally. Think about it as just one of the numerous things that's really important to building the relationship you want with your SO .

Good for you, good for him, and good for everyone else your lives touch !

You can do it :)

GS
 
For what it's worth I don't know that it's the right time to be speaking of opening your marriage. It sounds to me like you are still doing a lot of work on yourself and your sex drive. The biggest thing that stood out for me was the 2 miscarriages. I think your brain may have linked sex to pregnancy to pregnancy loss. See what happens once you get the IUD in and sex can just be recreational again.

Bringing in somone else to a relationship tends to magnify issues that you're having in your relationship. Poly is a lot of work, it will bring up everything that has ever been a concern for you. Since you have already identified your lack of sex drive as an issue and are working on it, I would wait until either you have your sex drive back or you aren't feeling insecure about your lack of sex drive before having the serious conversation about opening your marriage.

-Derby
 
I agree with Derby. I feel you need to make a relationship work before you add more people to it - be it a poly relationship or, for instance, having children. Any issue gets only worse when there are more people involved.

I'm afraid it would be a bandaid solution that would make you miserable in the long run, so I would definitely encourage you to find other solutions to your problems if you can.
 
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