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Old 04-13-2018, 11:23 PM
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Al99 Al99 is offline
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Default NY Times Article: What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity

This happened to come across my main FB feed today - not about poly or even CNM, but certainly about (less than ethical) non-monogamy - an interesting read though, imo, which perhaps demonstrates a bit of bluriness along the edges....

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Old 04-15-2018, 12:27 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Interesting thoughts and insights in that article. What's the answer (if not nonmonogamy) if one spouse wants sex but the other does not?
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Old 04-18-2018, 12:01 PM
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endusal endusal is offline
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I read that one, too.

I found Esther The Perel's State of Affairs a very good read on the subject, too. Non-judgemental, non-prescriptive. Interestingly enough, she had a few cases of infidelity occurring in polyamorous relationships, too, which stresses the point that it's less about promiscuity and more about unaddressed or unspoken needs, wants, and fears.
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Old 04-18-2018, 03:16 PM
icesong icesong is online now
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Interesting thoughts and insights in that article. What's the answer (if not nonmonogamy) if one spouse wants sex but the other does not?
Honestly I don't know that there is one in a society that's sex-negative enough that in a lot of ways, sex (the lack thereof or lack of quality thereof) isn't really considered by most to be a valid reason to leave a partnership, AND a society that thinks that one person should be your "everything". Even if one is sexually monogamous, having to have your "life/logistics partner" and your "romance/sex partner" and your "best friend" (see: the "i married my best friend" meme) all be the same person is... smothering at bsest.
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Old 04-18-2018, 06:01 PM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Originally Posted by icesong View Post
sex (the lack thereof or lack of quality thereof) isn't really considered by most to be a valid reason to leave a partnership
Well, back in the "fault" days of divorce, there were causes such as frigidity (used against the wife for "neglecting her marital duties") or barrenness (also generally used against the wife, though could be turned against a man who was unable/unwilling to "complete the act").

My feeling is that our culture (in this instance) isn't so much "sex-negative," but swings so wildly from treating sex as something inherently naughty/bad/shameful to something overarchingly VITAL. Surely sanity lies somewhere between those extremes, & -- even more certainly -- those hard-about swings are NOT helpful.

It seems to be the Monogamism -- the marriage stuff & crypto-marriage "cohabitating" -- that seems to make it all weird.

Like, say I am living in a long-term roommate situation with Pat. We're just buds, & have never had any Romantic feelings for each other... but somewhere along the line Pat begins to develop an interest in having sex with me to "be closer" or whatever; while I'm sympathetic, maybe I'm simply not "attracted that way" to Pat (& it's not reasonable to expect me to change simply to fit someone else's expectations), or I don't want to risk messing up what's been a pretty good situation (again, demand for change is not reasonable).

So, here's how I see Monogamism interpreting our situation:
  • When Pat & I were disinterested in each other, it was perfectly okay for us to pursue our separate intimacies
  • but as soon as Pat wanted to get naked with me, it became MY duty to step up & service Pat, despite my own feelings
  • and if I have intimacies (or even friendships) other than Pat, then it's ME being the villain here
  • & the situation becomes truly crazy when Pat decides to seek intimacy from someone other than me, & I am allowed to use Pat's interest in me as a tactic to control Pat's behavior.
Did I blow the logic? Spelling it out like this makes my head hurt (literally).
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