Wow

I'm another who replied to one of your posts and who stands by what I said. If you ask questions while withholding half the information then you don't get to complain when the answers don't match your situation. Conversely, when your behaviour so closely fits the Unicorn Hunter model you shouldn't be surprised when it's pointed out to you.
I want an equal not someone that feels beneath me in any way.
What, exactly, do you mean by this? This is a very common thing for a Unicorn Hunter to say, but when you scratch the surface it usually tends to fall apart.
I am not blind to the things that can possibly go wrong. I am just willing to try and hope we find someone that is willing to try also.
Would you want to drive across a bridge designed by someone who knew that it might fall down if it wasn't built right but rejected all offered advice on the grounds that they'd prefer to try and hope? I know I wouldn't, and your potential Third probably won't either.

People here have offered you legitimate advice built on the experience they have and which you lack. They aren't remunerated for it in any way, and as far as I've seen they've been polite about it. If what you really wanted was unconditional support and your only complaint is that nobody's given you the green light to continue skipping happily off a cliff then you shouldn't have asked for advice in the first place and saved us all the trouble.
 
hello op. i'm a sub and my husband is my dom. we met with the goal od having a D/s relationship. i totally understand how it feels when folks think that it's a bad set up. also, i have run into my share of problems. the poly world is very open but you will still find others that can not possibly get that what you have is what you want. i have learned to listen to the good advice and ignore anything said in ignorance.

we are looking for someone to add to our family. a gf for my husband or a bf for me. maybe even someone for the both of us.

just find people that you enjoy talking to on this site. there are loads of awesome folks on here. there are also loads of people that just don't get it. sometimes they are nice about it and you can have great conversations or even great arguments with them. just keep your eyes open. :)
 
... and i have been poly for almost ten years now. my husband never even knew about open relationships until he met me. it has taken a lot of work and tons of trust. i have ruined friendships and put my foot up my own arse more than once.

when people tell you to read up and figure out what it is you are willing to give and recieve they are being honest. i will say that the D/s life has made being poly hard for me. it usually puts off any potential friends or partners.

recently, for the first time, telling a potential 3rd that i am submissive to my husband has helped us. this new possible 3rd actually feels more comfortable around us. he knows that my husband will pull me in if i get a little too into things. i tend to go overboard. i wear my heart on my face :)

like i said, this is rare. both my husband and this new guy get a kick out of testing my limits. fun for us all.

i'm smiling just thinking about it now but it's taken me almost ten years to get here... and i still don't know what's next.

op, you will okay. try not to over think and over plan.
 
hello op. i'm a sub and my husband is my dom. we met with the goal of having a D/s relationship. i totally understand how it feels when folks think that it's a bad set up. also, i have run into my share of problems. the poly world is very open but you will still find others that can not possibly get that what you have is what you want. i have learned to listen to the good advice and ignore anything said in ignorance.

No one here is opposed to her being a sub to her Master. It's been addressed and cleared up. The issue is the unicorn hunting bit. There are plenty of happy kinky poly people here. But few happy unicorns. Look around.
 
Good morning Castle33, I enjoyed reading about your relationship and glad things are going well. I guess the part that bothers me is that my husband and I are not "unicorn hunting" we havent even started to look. We are just reading up on the ins and outs of what we want so that when we do start actively looking that we are doing it the right way. The terms being used are things that he or I have never even heard of before, which is why we are trying our best to look into everything fully before we even start.
I do understand the concerns of others but they fail to realize that I am fully aware that we have no idea what we are doing... which is why I am on hear listening and reading.
 
You are making a lot of considerations of what you will leave open for the new person. The hard part of this is that you can't. You have NO IDEA what this new person will want out of life. You discuss the idea that she may want kids. Well maybe she dies. What if she doesn't want them with you? What if she doesn't mind being with you two, but already had another partner? Does that mean she wouldn't even be considered? It sounds like, just from what we see posted, that you want a third that will have no other relationships. Someone open enough to poly to understand that you both have each other, but not open enough to be interested in dating other people. That is usually where things go horribly wrong.
 
Vixtoria
The whole reason I joined the forum, getting others point of view, things I have not thought of.... You make some very valid points and I will have to give these things some serious thought. The things that I am not okay with, I have been so busy thinking about the things I would be okay with but never considered what I might not.
K is my love, my heart and has been for my entire adult life. My first consideration has always been pleasing him but thats easy when its just the two of us.
Thank you for your thoughts...
 
maybe the reason there are so many unhappy unicorns out there is because they are typed and labeled unicorns. i hate that term. they are just people. so much pressure is put on them. just let them be and court them like you would anyone else.

i also did not mean to come across as saying that people are against D/s relationships. some may have misunderstood. i was trying to let the op know how my own D/s relationship has changed the poly world for me. it has been mostly bad. folks are more afraid of it then the fact that i love to share my heart and body with others.

now, it has become an important tool in how i work with my new possible 3rd.

he is more accepting of my husband and i. my husband is more comforatble knowing that the new guy understands and respects our choice. the new guy actualy told me he enjoys the fact that my husband is in control.


look around?

i have looked around. been on this site for years. i am aware of how many relationships have not worked. i have had a few myself and posted about them here.

reading about others is the best way to learn. it is also a good way to help me not feel so alone.
 
maybe the reason there are so many unhappy unicorns out there is because they are typed and labeled unicorns.
Perhaps, but I think it's the bits where they're treated as sex toys and dumped like unwanted baggage at the first sign of trouble that's a more likely cause.
 
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maybe the reason there are so many unhappy unicorns out there is because they are typed and labeled unicorns. i hate that term. they are just people. so much pressure is put on them. just let them be and court them like you would anyone else.

Well, the term is derogatory but it's not really meant to deride the single bi women who want to be with couples. It's actually a phrase that is meant to be sympathetic to such women - amazing that so many can't see that.

The term is used really, as a slap (wake-up call) to all those tedious MF couples who want the impossible and unrealistic: the idealized hot bi babe who will move in with them, love them both equally, never desire nor be with anyone else, and even become pretty much like live-in nannies without any input about what they want out of the relationships. They're only there to "add to" the couples' marriage, satisfy wifey's exploration of her bi side, while being sexually available to hubby, and heaven forbid they have a mind of their own and different desires. We've seen several instances here when these poor, often inexperienced (in poly or even relationships in general) women find themselves in situations like this where they have to ask the wife's permission to even talk to the husband. And yet the HBB is supposed to be available to service him. These couples will often seek out younger women without much financial means so they have some control monetarily over their comings and goings.

Hence "what you are seeking is a unicorn" -- problem is these couples are usually so enmeshed in their ridiculous fantasies that they don't even realize the term is making fun of them! They drool and go,"Yes, where is our unicorn?" with stars in their eyes. Unicorn hunters like that are pathetic, really. I mean, hello! A unicorn is a myth! It isn't real! Wake up and get over it!
 
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My favorite part is when they get all huffy any indignant: "you don't even KNOW us! We put a lot of thought into this, we talked about it for three years, and we decided this is what we WANT!"
 
Way to go guys. Show how super smart and superior you all are by making fun of another new person who comes in asking for help.

Offer your advice in the most patronising, demeaning 'I'm smart and you're stupid' way possible...then when the person objects to being spoken to like that, say 'hey, you don't want to see it like it is! Us experienced experts are trying to help you and you don't want to know! Wake up and become smart like me!'

What you should do from now on is prevent all new members from joining, then none of you will have to face dealing with these stupid newbies who are less worthy than you are.

Granted, some people in the thread have tried to help in a respectful way...and others haven't. It's like some people see a thread like this and their eyes light up 'GREAT..a chance to jump all over another moron'.
 
WTF are you talking about? This thread has been a discussion to clarify the background for specific reactions to certain fantasies, terminology, patterns that have been seen here time and again, and to explain definitions used in any poly forum. No one was jumping all over anyone. People asked questions or made statements and other people answered and explained. That is all.
 
In fairness, I've noticed rather a lot of people whose replies can be summarized thusly:

"Polyamory- You're doing it wrong."

Not necessarily on this thread, but on quite a few. Anyway, neither this brand of advice nor the attitude that accompanies it are particularly helpful. It makes the poster (or in my case, the lurker) kind of scratch the head and wonder what part of "new to this" people are not understanding.
 
I'm not sure why you'd think it's wrong to tell someone they're doing something wrong if they're new, asking for advice, and they appear to be doing it wrong. What are people supposed to do? Tell them they're doing it right? Of course people are going to say what they feel, and why. Other people will respond with rebuttal and rhetoric. Are you giving us a lecture on manners and Southern hospitality? If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all? That's what i'm hearing. Correct me if i am mistaken. Tell me i'm doing it wrong. I can handle it. I probably won't agree, but i won't start a new thread pitching a tantrum about it.
 
I'm not sure why you'd think it's wrong to tell someone they're doing something wrong if they're new, asking for advice, and they appear to be doing it wrong. What are people supposed to do? Tell them they're doing it right? Of course people are going to say what they feel, and why. Other people will respond with rebuttal and rhetoric. Are you giving us a lecture on manners and Southern hospitality? If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all? That's what i'm hearing. Correct me if i am mistaken. Tell me i'm doing it wrong. I can handle it. I probably won't agree, but i won't start a new thread pitching a tantrum about it.

You are mistaken.

It's almost as if you think that if you don't act like the person you're talking to is a total moron, then the message won't get through.

Yes, if you think that they are wrong, it's fine to say so...but you have a choice whether you do it respectfully, or whether you take the opportunity to make yourself feel big and clever by sticking the boot in showing them how stupid they are.

There's too many people that like to go around offending people all day and basically being rude and disrespectful under the guise of 'telling it like it is'.

Nycindie, thanks for proving my point. Someone says something you don't like and your response is 'WTF are you talking about?' This is exactly what I was talking about - it's possible to have a discussion with someone where you both disagree and both state your position without it turning into an aggressive slanging match.
 
Understand that typically when the person first comes here and asks about their 'Unicorn', for the most part people are careful and kind. They give some advice, warn against all those broken bicycles at the bottom of the hill, and offer suggestions to read up on it.

Of course, the reaction back is either ranging from, "Oh, well I guess we could do that but we just want to know why we can't find her!" to "How rude! We dont' care about those broken bicycles! WE are special and even if we say the same things everyone else does we know it will work for us!"

Then we try and get a little more firm. In the end we are TRYING to point out the broken bicycles at the bottom of the hill and explain that just jumping on their own cycles and taking off will most likely end up with them joining the broken heaps. Where we all start getting a bit more blunt is when we are constantly being told how RUDE we are to warn of the broken cycles and how they are completely different from all the others but do not want to say how or why or do any of the research or work to figure out how not to crash their cycle.

So yeah, after standing around waving arms and doing everything from gentle warnings, giving out roadmaps, and suggesting other trails, we start screaming, "WTF? Did you not hear us about the crash ahead??"
 
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