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  #921  
Old 05-24-2018, 11:19 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
But does it really signal danger? As a non-predator surrounded by women who think all men are predators, I have to convince someone I'm harmless. That is, if I go that route.
I really don't know.
In some cases? Yes.
I don't actually think that all men are predators. I know a lot of very decent guys.

But it's behavior without a clear enough intention that makes me alert.
Someone is a tad too nice to me? What do they want? (I have that with women too.)
Someone wants to pay for me? Is this just courtesy, or are they trying to put me in debt? Something else?
Or even... I can see you find me attractive, but what is it you want? Sex or relationship? Will you accept if I don't want either and I just want to hang out?

I guess it's also a bit of social anxiety.
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  #922  
Old 05-27-2018, 05:58 PM
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Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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I don't actually think that all men are predators.
I'd say that almost all are upstanding human beings, almost all of the time.

It's those lapses that worry me. Even a saint can have a bad day; others shouldn't have to suffer.
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Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
what is it you want? Sex or relationship? Will you accept if I don't want either and I just want to hang out?
I've launched a few such conversations: "I find you very attractive, but my life is so busy now I don't know I can offer you a proper relationship" (only to be told she actually wanted to enjoy just hanging out & maybe sometimes get in a few hours of hot sex ), or to admit to a definite but still-vague attraction & get "friend zoned," which I find liberating because then I know how I stand & where to put my energy.
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  #923  
Old 05-27-2018, 11:27 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Elle was someone I initially met as a friend. I did develop an attraction for her. She seemed to be attracted to me. I asked her if we could step things up. She said no, because I was married. I told I hoped we could still hang out as friends then.

So, we did hang out as friends. I was fine with that and never pressured her to escalate. Eventually she confessed that she did want more than a friendship. She cited that one of the reasons was that I "kept coming back". Not in a relentless pursuit kind of way. More in a I wasn't going to get laid and still wanted to hang out kind of way.

Now contrast this with a lot of posts I've been seeing all over the internet: If you ask a girl out and she declines, leave her alone. Don't speak to her again.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not going to worry about it.
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  #924  
Old 05-28-2018, 03:54 PM
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Spork Spork is offline
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Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
Elle was someone I initially met as a friend. I did develop an attraction for her. She seemed to be attracted to me. I asked her if we could step things up. She said no, because I was married. I told I hoped we could still hang out as friends then.

So, we did hang out as friends. I was fine with that and never pressured her to escalate. Eventually she confessed that she did want more than a friendship. She cited that one of the reasons was that I "kept coming back". Not in a relentless pursuit kind of way. More in a I wasn't going to get laid and still wanted to hang out kind of way.

Now contrast this with a lot of posts I've been seeing all over the internet: If you ask a girl out and she declines, leave her alone. Don't speak to her again.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not going to worry about it.
That quote you refer to...it is NOT FOR YOU.

It's for the angry men who want sex or a committed relationship (they want a woman to be their fuck or their property) and "friendship" with women is not a concept they are even interested in because they don't really see us as people anyways. They see us as the very inconvenient keepers of a commodity they want that they are being denied. And they're kind of pissed off about it.

Those guys? WHEN most women tell them no, we really do want them to go away and not talk to us again. Rather than, you know, cussing us out for rejecting a nice guy such as themselves or maybe even running us over with a vehicle in a rage. Or whatever. Those dudes need to please fuck right off.

A man who sees women as like...PEOPLE...people that you can be respectful, non-boundary-pushing friends with, without an AGENDA that, if it doesn't play out, you get all mad, like if you really can be totally ok with being a legit actual friend, then yeah! By all means! Do that! And sure, the energy might shift one day, who the hell knows.

The problem is that we have too many men who SAY that they can do that, but then in their mind the only reason is they figure if they hang about doing "friend" things long enough, the woman will come around and decide to date them, and they focus an obsessive amount of attention on her and then get angry when eventually they realize they have "wasted their time" when they chose not to look for any other options really. They blame her, because she was nice to them instead of telling them to fuck off, they gave the guy false hope.

I've been reading and responding and trying (*sigh*) to sneak some rationality and sense into, the minds of these MRA/MGTOW/incel/red pill/etc guys for literally like 8 years or so. I mean, it's been a while. I'm familiar with most of the arguments, their grievances, their anger and their weird and twisted theories. I'm kind of laughing right now that so many of my social media friends are just now hearing about these guys. It's not new.

But I cannot see anyone who has any kind of real experience with polyamory, being anywhere close to this kooky mindset. Just please try to understand that a LOT of the "advice" you might see out there, can be more aimed at people who are lower on the curve than you are. I really think that you guys are people-savvy enough that you really should not be too damn paranoid that the "MeToo" movement and similar things are going to bite you in the ass.

The only thing I'd throw down as advice in addition to "don't rape, molest, or harass people, respect consent and you'll be fine" is also actually to try and avoid the messy drama types. I would really advise to watch people socially, read their writing, try to scope them out a smidge before getting intimate, because the only people I have seen going too far in accusing people wrongly of things lately, have been those that you SHOULD be able to see a mile off, because they've got some kind of attention demanding crisis like every 30 seconds. Stay the hell away from them, no matter how hot they are. If I were a guy, that's what I'd be doing anyhow.
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  #925  
Old 05-28-2018, 11:20 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Friendship works if you're not secretly planning to pull a "posters" scene from Love Actually or a "boombox" scene from Say Anything...
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