Thank you all for your help, and encouragement, and even your wake-up calls.
1. Your wife changed into a different person after the accident? This means that the woman she used to be sabotaged only one of your relationships (the first one) but sounds like she was fine about your second relationship. You say your second relationship imploded as a result of her accident; this is hardly your wife sabotaging anything on purpose as she was probably too unwell at this point. The third relationship didn't work out because of the aggression and anger issues she is now displaying, but this is the person your wife has become. I'm not trying to justify her behaviour but I think we all need to consider your resentment towards her in the light of the life-changing event you neglected to mention in your first few posts.
2. Your current jealousy... hmm. Perhaps something to do with you nursing her and putting up with her behaviour and giving up on your own happiness/other relationships to placate her, then she goes off and pursues her own pleasure without regard to your needs? This isn't the usual poly situaiton. Illness and other major events bring up a whole different set of issues and it might be that you had to take on too much and you're overwhelmed and it's coming out in this way because it has to come out; her new relationship gives you an outlet and focus.
3. Did you grieve for the wife you lost? I don't mean to be harsh, but she might never go back to who she used to be. You know this already. Did you mourn? Are you angry at this new woman for "replacing" her? How do you express intimacy with this new-ish partner? Do you have sex? Cuddle? Do things together?
4. She has to at the very least agree to attend anger management sessions. This isn't a sustainable situation regardless of how much you're willing to sacrifice.
Finally, if I were you I'd be tempted to let her pursue her relationship/be selfish etc. at this stage in her healing and try to keep myself busy doing other things as much as possible to work around the jealousy, then revisit with her in a few months. If having the freedom and support doesn't help her become more open and able to consider your needs, this might be a lost cause.
Yes. I see your point, and reading your post
#1 I realize after reading your post and being honest with myself she didn't really "sabotage" my first relationship in the sense she tried to destroy it. She did try to work through, though not effectively. She was new to poly (though she had never been exactly mono, she had never been in a consciously poly relationship). Her jealousy might not have been handled well, but we were both much younger and less mature than we are now, emotionally and otherwise. Which leads directly to
#2 Yes. I think this is the truth.
She didn't break up with my most recent GF, I did. She didn't ask me to, I decided that I didn't want another person to be pulled in, for their sake. But I resent that I am lonely, unfulfilled, and it is directly related to my wife's care and issues. Having her pursue another relationship while I am unhappy both with her and my relationship and feeling "cut off" from my need to be with others makes me resent her and feel that "double standard" I was talking about. I deeply resent giving up something so important to who I am in order to care for her, and having her refuse to do the same.
#3 When I read this I felt a pang so deep it literally made me tear up. No, I haven't. I keep seeing her in little glimpses, flashes of who she used to be. Enough to make me hope that this is "fixable", that she will come back like she was before she left. But seeing you put this so bluntly, I realize my wife didn't come home. Hurts badly to say that, I have done my best these last years to have hope, to believe differently, it is hard to accept what I have come to realize. The woman I married won't come home.
#4 I spoke to my counselor today. I spoke to a lawyer last week. I have made an appointment for a couples counselor who specializes in violence and PTSD, for both of us for this Wednesday. My conditions are a temporary separation (4 weeks) while she undergoes individual therapy, and a report from the therapist about her violence. Our reunion will be contingent on that report, and her agreeing to resume her treatment permanently.
Thank you all for your compassion. As I have learned over the years, jealousy is never what it seems to be. I would never have realized how deeply I grieve for her, and that the road we have been on together is coming to an end if I hadn't opened myself up. Maybe we will find a new one, but my wife is gone and our marriage with it. Whatever I find now with her, if I find anything, will be a new beginning.
I will keep checking in here over the next few months.
- Aaron