SchrodingersCat
Active member
Murf is my husband just as much as Butch is.
It doesn't sound like your relationships adhere to the primary/secondary model?
Murf is my husband just as much as Butch is.
But I'd be curious to know how many here go into a secondary relationship thinking, hoping, expecting, or planning that it might last a lifetime, that you might grow old with this person.
I would further point out that in the typical primary or mono relationship, actions are taken that require commitment, that show that expectation of building a life together, that entwine lives: buying a house together, getting bank accounts together, having children together.
This is much less likely with a secondary relationship.
It doesn't sound like your relationships adhere to the primary/secondary model?
I think the difference here is that in general, people date with the intention and expectation of finding a spouse, with whom to grow old together. Obviously, there are exceptions to the rule. Obviously, it doesn't always work out that way. But there's some expectation and goal of that.
In secondary or outside poly relationships, it's much more likely that there's an expectation of impermanence, or at least little hope for permanence. Again, obviously there are exceptions.
But I'd be curious to know how many here go into a secondary relationship thinking, hoping, expecting, or planning that it might last a lifetime, that you might grow old with this person.
I would further point out that in the typical primary or mono relationship, actions are taken that require commitment, that show that expectation of building a life together, that entwine lives: buying a house together, getting bank accounts together, having children together.
This is much less likely with a secondary relationship.
I feel you! And this question has been in my mind for awhile.
For me, personally, as a near middle age woman has been:
1. Married men wanting to cheat.
2. Youngsters who want to eventually get married.
3. Poly people already in a relationship.
4. Older men who are single (but there is a reason they are single! They tend to be quirky.)
5. Poly single people.
So, the only possible combinations for lasting relationship SEEM to bee someone who is young, single, and open to poly coming into our family. Or an older man who has been there done that and wants a lover wihtout a partner or an already married poly guy. (I actually only met one person like this).
Many of these combination seem hard to obtain. I think organically people want more of their lovers.
Yes. people break up and die. But there is a huge difference say with frieds - you expect one day they will die or break up...but the relationship is solitified in a different way that creates less anxiety. I guess I would ask (both OP and others) what the combinations might be?
I started out with that, too. I never thought I would have another primary, neither did my husband. But the important thing is that our bond is stil IMPORTANT. It is just that another person has become important, too. It does not feel imposing. I would never enter a relationship with a shelf life. Even when I thought our other relationships would be secondaries, I never thought if would be like "fun for a while". I really belive in cherishing people - and no relation ever end unless at least one involved want it to!Good evening,
even if we weren't monogamous, I would prefer that our marriage was the primary relationship for both of us. I'm afraid of risking that. I also have lived in the mono-get-married-and-stay-together-for-life model that it seems really strange to entertain the idea of pursuing another relationship knowing that it will end at some point. Maybe mutually and gracefully, and maybe not. Why would I sign up for a relationship that has a shelf life from the start? It sounds painful. Does this concern make sense to anyone? Does everyone really end up with a loving extended family of ex-lovers? Or do they end up with a collection of uncomfortable exes that pop up periodically to cause problems?
~darkling
I don't know why you would start a relationship with the idea it will end
Is there a point to starting all these relationships knowing they're likely to end within a couple of years? What is the point? Is it worth the constant cycle of heartbreak and endings? Maybe to some, it is.