rory
New member
Okay, so, not written for a long time. Been busy working on my mental health issues. I had a really bad depression for a few months, but I'm doing a lot better and working actively to adopt habits conductive to well-being. Additionally, a lot of life has happened. I have a steady job and income as a cleaner, which I really appreciate. Hope you all are well It's convenient, this journal writing together with Mya, don't need to update on everything myself!
One thing that would be useful to tell here is that I have lately started identifying more and more as male. I don't really feel very strongly about pronoun stuff personally, and it's a mixed thing IRL too. Basically any pronouns are still fine by me, so no pressure, but I guess using male pronouns (he, him) would be more accurate. Updated gender on my profile here, too! Hence, also, the change of profile picture (which I expect will be seen by people at least if they update page with F5).
That's been a development in the past few months. A slightly more recent thing from the last couple of days is that I realised that I've moved on the Kinsey scale towards men, in terms of sexual orientation (not romantic feelings). I'm still into women to some degree, just not strongly enough to actually want sex with women.
Feeling kind of emotionally overwhelmed, with all the big things that I've needed to process of late.
In terms of relationships, Mya is my only partner at the moment, and that feels good, I'm really not looking for anything else. Got a very full life as it is.
Although I really don't want more partners, I just always always keep loving being poly. For one thing, I'm really happy Mya has more relationships, because it seems to suit her really well and make her happy. For another, I do have a pretty open and fluid approach to people in my life. I like that feelings and relationship are allowed to be whatever feels natural and good for the people involved. So even though I feel Mya is my only partner, I do have several friends with whom I share various levels of intimacy. I like the fact that romantic and sexual things don't need to be separated out as something completely different from other forms of intimacy, I like to have them in perspective. And it feels right to me to be honest about how I feel, even if that doesn't correspond to any kind of norm of how I "should" feel (as it for me often doesn't).
So I still love Alec, and feel really good about how things are between us now that we're friends. There's Hank, whom I also love, and who's an amazing metamour and friend and I'm just really happy to have him in my life and to be living with him. Lily is still around, there's a romantic element to that relationship, and in terms of concrete things our dynamic really flexible which I appreciate. And I mentioned Peyton: I told them that I have a crush and they were really nice about it, and we're quite physically affectionate and cuddly with each other, and it's very comfortable. And of course I also have a few people in my life who fit more comfortably in that more traditional category of friend.
Earlier I wrote here when I was contemplating celibacy, and I did end up doing that, haven't had sex in something like five months. That was a very, very good and healthy decision, it's allowed me to figure out so many things about where my boundaries lie, what kind of sex I want and with whom and in what kind of situation; what kind of things I want to consider before having sex. I've previously approached sex as something rather simple, kind of with an attitude of "well, why not?". And there's nothing inherently wrong with that, it's great when it works! Just, it hasn't really been working for me for a long time, it hasn't been that simple, and I feel some sexual situations have been something I've just ended up in rather than something I've actually actively chosen. Also, I haven't really focused on figuring out what I really want and what I don't want, nor have I paid enough attention to sexual compatibility in terms of orientation or desires/preferences. And there's definitely been issues with personal boundaries, in that I've been too inclined to please my sex partner even where really it's just a question of incompatibility. Furthermore, I think I've associated romantic feelings too strongly with sexual desire, so that I've been unable to separate when I actually want a specific person, and when it's merely a question of being romantically attracted and generally horny.
Anyway, this may not be the easiest to follow, and people probably have such different experiences about these things, but for me it's feeling really good to finally notice more nuances, which allows me to pinpoint what it is that I want. So I'm no longer celibate, but whether or not I'm actually going to have sex anytime soon... who knows. The place where I'm at with my gender identity is complicated enough in that I identify as male but my body is still as of now female. So I'm not really very comfortable having sex with anybody who sees me as a woman or is only into women, and also with the realisation that I'm not really interested in sex with women - that leaves a rather small population of potential sex partners where orientations match (which would ideally be the situation - though it's possible that I'd be comfortable with some sexual activity even if that's not the case). Add other things like whether or not I find the person hot and he/they find me hot and whether or not we're sexually compatible at all... Well, I'm not exactly holding my breath.
In any case, it feels good to be clearer on where I stand with it all.
One thing that would be useful to tell here is that I have lately started identifying more and more as male. I don't really feel very strongly about pronoun stuff personally, and it's a mixed thing IRL too. Basically any pronouns are still fine by me, so no pressure, but I guess using male pronouns (he, him) would be more accurate. Updated gender on my profile here, too! Hence, also, the change of profile picture (which I expect will be seen by people at least if they update page with F5).
That's been a development in the past few months. A slightly more recent thing from the last couple of days is that I realised that I've moved on the Kinsey scale towards men, in terms of sexual orientation (not romantic feelings). I'm still into women to some degree, just not strongly enough to actually want sex with women.
Feeling kind of emotionally overwhelmed, with all the big things that I've needed to process of late.
In terms of relationships, Mya is my only partner at the moment, and that feels good, I'm really not looking for anything else. Got a very full life as it is.
Although I really don't want more partners, I just always always keep loving being poly. For one thing, I'm really happy Mya has more relationships, because it seems to suit her really well and make her happy. For another, I do have a pretty open and fluid approach to people in my life. I like that feelings and relationship are allowed to be whatever feels natural and good for the people involved. So even though I feel Mya is my only partner, I do have several friends with whom I share various levels of intimacy. I like the fact that romantic and sexual things don't need to be separated out as something completely different from other forms of intimacy, I like to have them in perspective. And it feels right to me to be honest about how I feel, even if that doesn't correspond to any kind of norm of how I "should" feel (as it for me often doesn't).
So I still love Alec, and feel really good about how things are between us now that we're friends. There's Hank, whom I also love, and who's an amazing metamour and friend and I'm just really happy to have him in my life and to be living with him. Lily is still around, there's a romantic element to that relationship, and in terms of concrete things our dynamic really flexible which I appreciate. And I mentioned Peyton: I told them that I have a crush and they were really nice about it, and we're quite physically affectionate and cuddly with each other, and it's very comfortable. And of course I also have a few people in my life who fit more comfortably in that more traditional category of friend.
Earlier I wrote here when I was contemplating celibacy, and I did end up doing that, haven't had sex in something like five months. That was a very, very good and healthy decision, it's allowed me to figure out so many things about where my boundaries lie, what kind of sex I want and with whom and in what kind of situation; what kind of things I want to consider before having sex. I've previously approached sex as something rather simple, kind of with an attitude of "well, why not?". And there's nothing inherently wrong with that, it's great when it works! Just, it hasn't really been working for me for a long time, it hasn't been that simple, and I feel some sexual situations have been something I've just ended up in rather than something I've actually actively chosen. Also, I haven't really focused on figuring out what I really want and what I don't want, nor have I paid enough attention to sexual compatibility in terms of orientation or desires/preferences. And there's definitely been issues with personal boundaries, in that I've been too inclined to please my sex partner even where really it's just a question of incompatibility. Furthermore, I think I've associated romantic feelings too strongly with sexual desire, so that I've been unable to separate when I actually want a specific person, and when it's merely a question of being romantically attracted and generally horny.
Anyway, this may not be the easiest to follow, and people probably have such different experiences about these things, but for me it's feeling really good to finally notice more nuances, which allows me to pinpoint what it is that I want. So I'm no longer celibate, but whether or not I'm actually going to have sex anytime soon... who knows. The place where I'm at with my gender identity is complicated enough in that I identify as male but my body is still as of now female. So I'm not really very comfortable having sex with anybody who sees me as a woman or is only into women, and also with the realisation that I'm not really interested in sex with women - that leaves a rather small population of potential sex partners where orientations match (which would ideally be the situation - though it's possible that I'd be comfortable with some sexual activity even if that's not the case). Add other things like whether or not I find the person hot and he/they find me hot and whether or not we're sexually compatible at all... Well, I'm not exactly holding my breath.
In any case, it feels good to be clearer on where I stand with it all.