So far, so good!

When we eventually make it to bed, I'm nervous we'll fuck this up. But we don't :)

Mmmm, happy for you.


The more I adventure out, the surer I am of how important it is to honour and nourish the solid limbs that support my growth.

Wonderfully worded! I may have to steal it. :)
 
nycindie - thanks, sex coach! ;)

It's kind of hard to keep it up long-distance, but I'm glad we at least stirred the pot :D
 
The ugly

I'm feeling something that I think is broadly "jealousy". It hurts. It is challenging. I'm not sure what to do about it.

Grotto and Bijou have been getting along better, and he's really enjoying himself. I think they're good for each other. So what's my problem?

First, straight-up jealousy I think. Competition. The points matter and she's winning. In the worst of this emotion, thoughts of her disgust me because she's doing it better than me (or so I feel, at those times.) She's sexier, foxier, more seductive, more delicious. She's experienced in getting what she wants. She's shameless. She has a salacious history. She's amazing in bed and conversation. I hate the way she flirts, I hate her heels, I hate the look of her on Grotto's arm. Woah! What happened to compersion?

It feels crazy to experience my defences going up like this. I read a quote today: "You only can't stand what you don't understand." Nice. That's a key I'm definitely gonna keep turning in the lock of this. Though, it's not that I can't stand Bijou (despite my virtiol above.) It's just that (and this could be no more than a refraction of my jealousy), I'm not sure I trust her. I'd like to. I hope I can. But... I don't yet.

I have been trying to shift focus, to instead question if I trust Grotto to have my back. That I know. He really does. But Bijou? She courts the game, salivates at the hunt, and out-plays the players. Grotto said that she's been mellowing out recently, dropping her guard. Hmm. I mean, good for her :p But it's unsettling to me that she had cooled towards Grotto until as soon as I was leaving and then, BAM. She's all into him. It could be entirely unrelated timing, but it's not much fun for me.

Then, there are things about Grotto and me that need work. I love him, he is a very kind person. I always enjoy spending time with him. We have a great sexual connection, and easy conversations. But there's stuff beyond this that I need (or desire?) from our relationship, that we've only scratched the surface of. I'm unsure if he is willing and able to put time into them.

For example, one thing that really attracted me to him at the start of our relationship was a shared passion for community building... and I still don't have many concrete experiences of that working out. I also don't see him actually putting effort into changing that (but maybe I'm impatient, or only focusing on the not good enough aspects. I'm suspicious of my perspective at the moment.)

Some of the things Grotto & Bijou share (drinking, drugs, a deeper appreciation of hedonism? I guess) isn't really my scene. I dabble a bit but I'm cautious of how messing with your brain chemicals can affect your energy and colour your world in a way that means you can't connect without those things. It bores me to get endorphined up and party every weekend, and sometimes mid-week too. I mean, it's the same shit every time, rinse and repeat. Pills and lines. Broke and hungover. There's comradeship in that, for sure, but it's not mine.

And yeah, I know that it's mostly my deal that this isn't my personal buzz right now. I have other priorities (e.g. creativity, politics) that I want to Do Better At. I feel like I've been dropping the ball on certain aspects of what's important to me. So a large part of this "jealousy" could simply be my own disatisfaction with what I'm up to. Hmm. Complex.

I've had some bad to average conversations with Grotto about this stuff. He thinks we should see each other in person and talk it out. I'm ambivalent. I want to see him. I'm sure we'd manage to fuck the pain away, and cuddle chats have always proven to be effective at untangling issues for us. On the other hand, I feel like the space is good for me right now. I feel like I'm detoxing from something, and getting perspective that I need. (That's an awful analogy, as if Grotto is a toxin ?! I dunno. Love, sex, intimacy is a heady cocktail. I hear the come-down from LSI can be vicious.)

As for me and Bijou, it struck me today that we both have a significant warrior heritage. My background is mixed: 1/2 warrior, 1/2 some mix of priest and merchant/craftsmith. She strongly identifies with her warrior background (from a different ethnicity altogether, but the principles are the same, right? Fight. Win. Profit.)

Maybe we need some peace-making rituals.
 
The good

Ocean had a minor operation the other day. Luckily the cost of it was covered because it was due to an accident where someone else was at fault, so they paid for it. The bills came to over $4,000! Quite a relief we didn't have to front up for that ourselves.

Menrva went to the hospital with him, and looked after him over the rest of the day plus the next morning (while he recovered.) She sent me pics of him post-op, all cute and swollen and anaesthetised. She also followed up with a couple of updates during the rest of the day. It made me feel really happy and grateful that she was around to care for him.
 
Had a rough Saturday, but it all worked out in the end. A simple lesson for me: I need to get better at identifying and articulating my needs.

The jealousy around Bijou had grown to crazy levels because I wasn't speaking out about what I wanted. I was hoping that I would magically get the time I desired with Grotto - but of course, how was he to know this?

In my lowest moments on Saturday, it was bad. I wrote this:

Well, I'm pretty much failing at coping with shit around Grotto right now. He's finding it very hard because he doesn't know what's making me feel so bad. I don't really know myself, either.

I'm not very well.

We made some time to talk about it today over Skype. Things were going well till he got a call from Bijou. She was downstairs (she'd left her phone and wallet at his place) and needed to come pick it up. He apologised but told me he had to go. He said we could talk again tomorrow.

Rescheduling helped but... ah. Tomorrow felt so far away, and I could just imagine it being a recovery day for him, depending on what happened tonight. So not the most ideal time to spend.

Feeling shit about him dropping our conversation to hang out with Bijou. I understand it in my head, but my emotions are wild. Thinking of them being in a good mood together, chilling out, making out, while I feel all Unfinished Business - gah!

Why do I feel so fucking jealous?

I hate it, god!

I was very sad and upset. I tried to get over it, but it wouldn't be got over. Finally (several teary, manic hours later), I admitted to Grotto that I needed to talk, as soon as possible.

I knew he may have been with Bijou (turns out he wasn't, or at least wasn't alone with her) but I really needed his attention. I wanted to be able to wait til he wasn't doing other things. I wanted to be able to leave him be to enjoy his weekend. But I couldn't. I really needed to talk with him.

I had actually turned to Ocean first, who calmed me down a bit and reassured me that I wasn't generally a very needy person, and reminded me that it was no shame to need something sometimes.

As soon as I told Grotto I really needed to talk, he headed home and called me on Skype. We had a good conversation, and luxuriously slow masturbating side-by-side exploring mutual fantasies. Was exactly what I needed, and it made us both feel immensely better about Us. I know he is willing to do what it takes to make this work. I just need to understand my own head better, and share more with him.

I feel pretty average about my relationship skills at the moment. I've been treating Grotto quite unfairly, I think. Not communicating enough about things that bother me. But - it's getting better.

Even happier news... I asked Grotto if he thought he could visit me soon, and he has arranged for this coming Monday off work, so he can come up for the weekend! I was so excited when he bought tickets. We had to book a place to stay too because I'm living with relatives at the moment, and can't have a lover-who-isn't-Ocean here, bleh :cool: So, it's come to a bit of an expense already. Trying not to stress about that. Hard to be frugal and make distance relationships work!

Hmm. I've also been thinking of how I can improve how I feel towards Bijou, without directly confronting her with my tortured soul :p I'd like to have good vibes with her. I'm ashamed of my ugly around this. But... what's inside is what's inside. As much as it disgusts me sometimes, it's all I have to work with.
 
Haha, god. I did a complete overshare today at work. Had an out of town trip with a colleague, and on the way home she started chatting about her boyfriend. It was great til she asked me if I had a boyfriend...

I started off ok. I said "hmm. My lovelife is complex."

And then I tried to explain further...

Shit, this was so much simpler when it was just Ocean and Grotto. Now I seriously sound like a whore. Which is not a bad thing but also doesn't feel quite correct... I love the sex but it's really not about the sex for me (well, not always!) Maybe I'm a lovewhore. Or an intimacywhore.

I wish I had better words to say what I want to say about my romantic relationships. Though I think the issue was more that she didn't have the words for it. It was something she'd never come across before. Her first reaction was "well, that's not something you hear every day."

I like her, and I hope that I didn't belittle her (?) in some way. Like, make out as if I'm this special person and she's just ordinary. Don't think I did though.

Sometimes I wish I could just share this stuff and it would be an ordinary thing. Like talking about how many brothers and sisters you have.
 
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Haha, god. I did a complete overshare today at work. Had an out of town trip with a colleague, and on the way home she started chatting about her boyfriend. It was great til she asked me if I had a boyfriend...

I started off ok. I said "hmm. My lovelife is complex."

And then I tried to explain further...

Shit, this was so much simpler when it was just Ocean and Grotto. Now I seriously sound like a whore. Which is not a bad thing but also doesn't feel quite correct... I love the sex but it's really not about the sex for me (well, not always!) Maybe I'm a lovewhore. Or an intimacywhore.

I wish I had better words to say what I want to say about my romantic relationships. Though I think the issue was more that she didn't have the words for it. It was something she'd never come across before. Her first reaction was "well, that's not something you hear every day."

I like her, and I hope that I didn't belittle her (?) in some way. Like, make out as if I'm this special person and she's just ordinary. Don't think I did though.

Sometimes I wish I could just share this stuff and it would be an ordinary thing. Like talking about how many brothers and sisters you have.

I think it's easiest to keep it simple, saying something like, "There are a few important people in my life, and we love each other, but we're not exclusive or traditional." That's similar to how I'd say it. You don't have to go into long explanations unless asked for clarification.
 
I think it's easiest to keep it simple, saying something like, "There are a few important people in my life, and we love each other, but we're not exclusive or traditional."

nycindie, that's perfect. I wish my brain had a speed dial to your advice line.

Your suggestion reminded me that Ocean came up with a cool description the other day: "inclusive" (as in, not exclusive). I like it very much, though it's more of an in-joke than a concise way to explain our situation to other people.

(Incidentally, I also like "cryptic" as an alternative to "queer" - an idea that I stole from straight/cryptic crosswords. Again, a label that's perhaps more fun than useful)
 
Thanks, but your brain is probably better off not connecting with mine sometimes! LOL

I think it's also a good thing to remember that we are not beholden to explain to anyone the ways we choose to live. We don't owe any explanations, justifications, defenses, or recitations of our life stories to just anybody who asks (this may be my introverted nature talking). So, if it ever feels like people are prying and asking too many questions, we can also say, "You know, that's a little too personal for me to answer. Let's change the subject, okay?"
 
nycindie - yup, I agree that I don't owe anyone an explanation. That is indeed good to remember. Being open about relationships is a political stance for me, I think. I like the idea of being "out" because I dislike how default assumptions reinforce the idea of what is 'normal' and mask the real diversity around us, enabling these stereotypes of normalcy to continue. This can be harmful when it contributes to 'abnormal' people being judged, or feeling isolated/confused about why they aren't like everyone else. So, broadly, the more people doing poly in public the better (I reckon). Now, I just need to stop myself from over-sharing awkwardly... :p I like how your suggestion kept it simple. If I can't get an nycindie-brain hotline then I'll just have to practice, I guess!

Visit from Grotto a couple of weekends ago was... a relief. We talked, fucked, walked, and held each other. Surgically removed a surprising amount of emotional shrapnel that I'd allowed to sit inside me, which over time had begun to fester. A big lesson for me: I need to name my worries and fears when they're small niggles. Definitely not wait for them to grow up to be giant ulcers.

Grotto's mostly fun relationship with Bijou, which fired up again around the same time as me moving away, was certaintly a catalyst for all this shit coming out. Forced me to admit to a lot of unresolved issues I had with Grotto, forced me to face up to my interior ghouls. It was painful for a while there, but I feel I've come through the worst of it. Re-energized, proud, strong.

I've grown.

Now I'm speaking up about my needs and desires much more. I'm telling Grotto when I feel upset, as soon as I'm feeling it. That's the way he communicates; he never lets anything build up. I still do sometimes need time for processing through emotions by myself, but I see the benefit of talking sooner rather than later when something's bothering me.

Also, he shared with me an idea he's had for awhile, for building up special savings for your kids. Putting $50 a week aside to offer to a child when they grow up, say, when they turn 18, for something like overseas travel or higher study. I really liked that idea, and it was touching to hear that he'd been thinking that way.

So we've decided to start saving this way together, each contributing $50 a week, starting with our next pay. Not sure if we're actually open to having kids in the future, as we're still in the logistics stage. But: exciting! This is our first shared financial commitment together, beyond sharing the cost of very short-term things like holidays. If it turns out we can't use it for kids, we can think of something else, or worst case simply divide the saved money between us (as we've got equal contributions).

Other relationships are well. A year since Djuna and I got together, although given the poly and LDR it's probably more equivalent to a month in in-each-other's-pockets monogamous years.

Plinth is good. I miss his body, which pleases me. Bodes well, I reckon.

Ocean's here on Thursday for a week. Fuck yes.
 
I haven't posted here for a goodly while. Being long-distance from all my current lovers definitely changes the pace of things, eh!

I've been keeping busy and well. Have to move out from where I'm staying at the moment, so urgent flat hunting has taken up a bit of my time recently. Going to visit a house today that I hope will be it. It's a share house with folks who sound like just my kind of people (big cookups, music, gardening, fostering native animals, etc!) so here's hoping.

Djuna and I have made plans to meet in August to go camping (she'll come meet me here) which is quite lovely. The last time I saw her was when I was visiting there, near the start of the year. She's quite experienced with hiking, camping and outdoorsy things. While I enjoy that, I haven't actually done too much so I'm keen to skill up. And also looking forward to making some noise in nature doin what comes naturally :p She's a loud one <3

Ocean being here was very very good. He said he left much happier than he arrived... I should hope so! I loved that he stayed for six nights; I can't remember the last time we've spent so many consecutive nights together. Twas quite healing, reassuring, pleasant. His relationship with Menrva has evened out into something that's more manageable for him, and I'm glad things are feeling better for him in that aspect.

His parents are visiting him in a couple of weeks, and I'm going down to see them too. Depending on how things go (i.e. their mood, etc) he might be telling them about our open relationship! We chatted about that possibility, when he was here. It's tricky - we really can't predict how they will react. His ma has a tendency to take things quite hard, when she worries about something. But she's also supportive and very caring. So her response will depend on whether she sees this as trouble for us or not. His father is open-minded but he does have a concern for what his extended family think of him. So this could be uncomfortable for him. Also, his connection with Ocean is good but not wonderful... They don't share much of their deeper selves. A tension like this could make it even harder for them to connect.

That said, Ocean does want to tell them at some point when it seems okay to do so. It's just a question of timing, if now is best or he feels it's better to wait. He's planning on introducing them to Menrva in any case, whether as a lover or a friend.

One other serious thing we talked about when Ocean was here, was babies. Up to now, it's been up in the air as to whether Ocean wanted to have kids* or not. He thought he would like to, at some point, but wasn't sure about when. However, he's been thinking more recently and he feels he doesn't ever want to have kids. It didn't upset me as much as he expected it to. I was quite calm about it really. I'm more concerned that he's judging his feelings well... But if that's really how he feels, mm, it is a bit disappointing maybe? Not really. I don't know. If he was really into it, I think I would be too. But if he's not, I'm not going to pressure him.

The fear for me is that he will feel differently later, when we've already chosen other paths that are hard to turn back from.

Specifically, if I have kids with Grotto. Ocean says he's okay with that idea, but will he feel okay about the reality? What if that happens, and he suddenly finds he's not okay? I'm scared that it could change things in ways we can't know, right now. Not sure where to go from here. I asked Ocean if it might help to think about that aspect (his comfort with me having kids with someone else) a bit more, to try to sense what he might feel like. Whether he think he'd possibly feel regret around that...

I don't know accurate thinking about your possible feelings is, when you're thinking about a scenario you have not experienced, and not really anything analogous to it either. But it's the only idea I have at this point.

More to process here.

* I say "kids" but I really mean - one, or two, or whatever happens. I don't ever want to need to have kids. I don't feel like that at the moment. It'd be more about whether I'm being open to the possibility or not. Maybe trying, but not to any great extreme (timing cycles and all that). I personally wouldn't want to be trying really hard. I don't feel that drive. I know I'd feel content in my life without my own children. But I'd also love to have children and would like to be open to having children.
 
Wafer thin!?

Confession: I've started using OkCupid. I really just thought of it as one way to meet likeminded people in a new city, but although I tried my best to project my intention of friendship only... there are some lovely wimmins out there, shucks!

One in particular who I've met a couple of times so far. I'm a little bit... mm... *shuffles feet* :eek:

She dropped me off at the train station today and my goodbye hug had strong preferences for being a goodbye kiss.

May need to skill up on the art of cultivating bonsai relationships :p

Current strategy is to keep it gentle, relish any tension, be light-handed and ride whatever comes... That's my ideal posture towards many things in life, really, but I don't always achieve it.

Waves build of their own accord and decide if and when to break. I'll be here with my surfboard <3
 
Ah, fuck. I don't know how massively I have screwed up. My conscience is AWOL. (It still is, I weirdly feel no guilt. Trying to diagnose myself; wondering if I'm having a manic episode.) Here's what happened.

Grotto and I have an agreement that I don't hook up with any of his close friends. It's something I don't totally understand (because this restriction is only with guy friends, not girl friends, which makes me feel like it's some territorial dispute?) but it's something I've agreed to respect, and he's agreed to try to unpack (at some point in the future). I'm really not good with boundaries I don't fully get. But this is obviously a boundary for him, which I need to be careful of.

Despite this, I didn't.

Two nights ago, I was out to celebrate the opening of an art show, that had a couple of my pieces in. It's a first for me, so I was very excited about it. I had planned to meet a couple of people there (some from work, as well as the girl I mentioned in the previous post, who I'd connected with online.) I also invited a friend of Grotto's who lives here.

I don't know this friend very well. I'd met him a few times through Grotto. Since moving to this city, I'd caught up with him for drinks and been in touch with him a wee bit. Talking with him... was pretty luscious. I knew I'd have to be careful here, because I could see myself slipping if I didn't keep things steady. Basically - warning signs. Which I'd talked with Grotto about and I knew I should do my best not to go there.

My plan was to crash with this girl. She said I could stay at hers (I currently live far from the city and can't stay out too late if I don't have a backup plan.) I was looking forward to seeing her, unwinding... yeah. Unfortunately as the night went on she texted me to say that she wasn't feeling well and couldn't make it, but I could still crash on her couch. I said thanks, I'd probably need to and would be in touch. But a couple of hours later (when I still had time to catch public transport home, if I got organised to do that) she replied saying that in the end she didn't feel well enough to host me, and she was in bed already. I obviously said: that's fine, rest up, see you later (etc).

Just then Grotto's friend messages to say he's coming over if I'm still out. Uh oh. I checked myself, and I could tell I wasn't in a state to make responsible decisions re: this friend. Decisions that affected me directly? Yes. Decisions that affected Grotto, that I hadn't yet deeply internalised? ... ... No. I was in the mood for company, and going with the flow. I could recognise there weren't enough dams in place, for this level of rain. Ah, fuck fuck fuck. I had work colleagues due to come over, but even if they did turn up, they'd likely not stay long. Chances are I would end up hanging at the end of the night with Grotto's friend.

I knew I was in an awkward spot. Before his friend got here, I sent a text to Grotto to call me, which he did. We talked briefly, I explained I didn't mean for this to happen, but I was feeling this way and I felt there was a risk that I'd end up sleeping with his friend tonight. He reiterated that he really really didn't want me to do this. I said I'd try my best, but I could tell my words were hollow. I wanted to not be this person, but I was this person and couldn't / didn't want to help it.

This is not a situation I would have consciously orchestrated, but it is one I post-fact embraced. It was like life had given me a free pass (perhaps I stole it) and I could feel myself not being able to resist.

I asked Grotto to call me back to touch base in a couple of hours. I hoped I could hang out til then, and get another burst of focus later on in the night...

Two hours later, his mate and I were at a pub. It was fun, chatting, hanging out. This guy is fucking smart but also compassionate, and super engaging with ideas. My brain felt really good in his company. More or less hanging out as mates, but how long would it stay that way? Just as he cruised off to the bathroom, I got my callback from Grotto. Perfect timing. We talked, but it was obvious I was way too relaxed about the consequences of any possible behaviour on Grotto. What could I say? I cared about his feelings and opinions, but it didn't hit me strong enough to influence what I was doing. (He's astounded and hurt about this, and I totally hear what he's saying, and I'm really sorry that he's hurt - I regret it? - but I feel nothing. What the fuck?)

Anyway, Grotto and I exchanged a couple of texts over the next hour - he said "Don't hurt me bubble" and I said "I love you" rather than "I won't" (Jesus)... I was so susceptible.

His mate and I walked back to his place. There was a decision for me to sleep on the couch which morphed into an attempt at sleeping together (just sleeping, for the physical company - ha) which eventually, due to an exquisite amoral tango, led to us fucking. It was carnal; we'd gotten too close and the magnets came together of their own accord.

How did this happen?

I didn't get a chance to plan myself out of this, in advance. I'm useless at exiting the river when my boat's caught a current. I needed more reasons to paddle hard the other way, and I didn't have them - despite Grotto's clear communication. All I heard was words. It's almost like I needed heart-wrenching tears and blood. I needed to feel it. My god, I feel soulless right now. Where was my empathy?

I tried to get his friend to help. He understood why Grotto would be uncomfortable with this. Afterwards, when we were talking more, he said his head and heart understood this was a bad thing, but his body was in control. Ah, shit. It was hard to hear that... For me, I was a lost cause in all departments. Or at least my eager self rushed forward, leaving my ethics behind like a tortoise in the dust. Now that I've crashed and burned, hopefully that moral compass will come trudging past eventually.

A couple of funny comments in the morning, dark humour I guess, as we knew we'd been reckless, and would soon discover the damage (though I was still naively hoping things would be okay!) His friend said that it was a comforting thought to him that, in the reverse, Grotto would have done the same thing. (So true!) And the other was a suggestion that I could perhaps make up for it by sleeping with all Grotto's friends. Hehe... ahhhhh. Yes.

Until I actually debriefed with Grotto about this, I still wasn't sure if this would hit him badly. I'm not sure what made me not 100% know that he'd be devastated. Am I so hopeful that I can't see reality? Anyway, chatting with him, it was clear that this was going to stab him. I felt like we shouldn't talk about this online. I'm visiting there at the end of the week, and I tried to put it off til then, but it unsurprisingly failed...

grotto: you didn't sleep with xxxxx right?
me: baby can we talk in person please
grotto: oh fuck

So, yup. The big reveal. Grotto's astounded, hurt, angry, disappointed. I feel chastised (but still not guilty?). I wrote to his friend saying that this was bad, and could not be repeated. That we could hang out as friends but would need to Not Flirt at all cos I don't want to set myself up to fail. He wouldn't want that either; it would mess with their friendship. All good on that front, I feel okay about the future.

But as for what's already done? Still working through it, trying to understand why. Things between Grotto and I are numb. I'm wondering if I'm feeling a delayed reaction... like a deep cut that is white for a while before it bleeds. I don't know. I don't feel bad about what I did. I feel like I didn't have the tools, the empathy, to make the right decision. Some part of the puzzle was missing to me. But, maybe I simply let my desire - to touch, to explore - to override any concerns of Grotto's. I was selfish. Unremorsefully selfish.

How can this be love?

Looking forward to seeing him in person. I feel like we must sort this out (there's no talk of breaking up) but... this is a serious wound. I get the sense I don't realise how bad it is yet. C'mon, tortoise!
 
Well I did say I needed to see blood

This is why I should never flirt with someone else's heart. God :( He doesn't deserve this. I wish I felt like I knew what I was doing. I was in such a dream space. Hello, reality. Poor Grotto, fuck...

Subject: i feel asleep crying and i woke up crying

how could you not understand "please don't hurt me" like i gave you a carton of my eggs to look after for safe keeping and you went and smashed them all up on the sidewalk and then you look up at me me all doe eyed like "oh this wasn't what you meant?"

I had this kind of feeling like you were going to do it anyway and it was stressing me out and then after txting i felt ok and then in the morning YOU KNEW I WAS WORRIED AND I WAS FUCKING RIGHT I WAS RIGHT FUCK

For some reason i dunno i just didn't think you had the capacity to do this to me, like i just assumed better and it's the kind of disappointment like wile e coyote looks down and suddenly realises he's run out of road and there's nothing but gravity and hundreds of meters of treacherous air between him and the ground.
 
There's nothing for it. I've gotta head over there and sort this shit out. Booked flights - leaving tonight. Ouch, that's some expensive sex. Luckily I got paid on Thursday; gonna be a tight fortnight though.

Grotto's flipped over this. Seriously not coping. Hopefully seeing him and talking in person will help. It has to help. Well. Can't be worse than this.

Long distance hard boundary transgression? I wouldn't recommend it, folks.

Time to pay the piper.
 
Plinth

Your classic Nice Guy, who surprised me by being so naughty in bed. He's unfailingly polite, generous, considerate. Quite Tall... I only make it up to his chest (kiss.) Oh, I love him.

He cooks as if the kitchen is his trusty steed. His beard is a forest. His cock feels like it was forged to fit into my throat, shaft to sheath.

I met him on the street, one drunken weekend night. He mistook Ocean for a friend of his. Turns out we have a handful of mutual friends. Plinth offered us a spliff. We smoked up on the corner as traffic skimmed past.

A casual friendship. Every meeting a joy. To talk with him is to travel.

I had not thought of him as anything but a platonic friend, apart from one conversation at a party. Words riffing, I felt myself physically drawn. I didn't say anything, but thought "ah... I'd love to take you to bed."

This was before Ocean had started dating Menrva, and he was still not out about being non-monogamous to his friends. Plinth was in that circle of friends, so I knew I couldn't go there because of Ocean.

Months later, it's Mardi Gras. We're out dancing to music, eating gumbo - a big crew of friends including Plinth. We go for a walk (him and I) to acquire more alcohol. On the way, he asks me: "what were you thinking the other night?"

"What other night?"

"The night of the party, when we were talking. It sounded like there was something on your mind."

Wow. That was exactly the One Time that I'd felt strongly attracted to him physically. I definitely hadn't said anything, but he had figured it out anyways. Oops. I eventually admitted this, and before long, walking back, we were stopping every few steps to kiss. Yikes, he's delicious.

Another day, sober, we had a Clarifying Conversation. Oh, yes. This could work. The tricky aspect could be the dynamics between Ocean, him and myself - since the three of us were established friends. I wouldn't want things to become odd between Ocean and Plinth. But we said we'd see how it goes, and manage it. Stop if anything's amiss, etc.

So far, it's been wonderful. Grotto, Plinth and I have had a couple of explosive threesomes. Since I've been away, Plinth has been hanging out a wee bit with Grotto and some of his friends, too. Part of the family now ;)

Our relationship is undefined, beyond being friends who love and care for each other. We haven't used words like boyfriend/girlfriend. The lack of labels is a pleasant surprise, and a bit unnerving! Funnily enough. But not really, I mean, it's not a problem. I like it. More, please.
 
We're good

My god, what a mess. But we're working through it. I'm forgiven, for a few discrete counts of idiocy. Grotto's bruised, will take a while to fully get over it, but things are much, much better. We're solid. Back on the bicycle.

Flying over here was a good idea. Doesn't bear thinking about, how things would have been if I didn't. I mean, we would have fixed things eventually I'm sure, but it would have been significantly more painful.

Another reason I wanted to sort this out soon was Grotto has an exam for work tomorrow and the day after. In the mind state he was in before I got here, that would have been kind of disastrous.

Spending time with him, around the house - cooking, cleaning, fucking, talking - reminds me of how much I've been missing this. The day-to-day relating. Long distance is such an energy sink. Four more months. Four more months.
 
He did it. Today, Ocean told his parents about our "unconventional" relationship. I couldn't look at their faces as he spoke, I just held his hand and watched him talk. He didn't say much, just the bare facts: We're not monogamous. We're seeing other people. We love each other and still want to grow our lives together, to live together. We don't intend anything else to get in the way of that.

I added that it's a personal thing, but a real part of our lives, one that is known to most of our friends and some of my family (but not my parents).

I can't tell how they've taken it. They seemed mostly "oh, okay" about it, but they aren't the type to respond directly.

Ocean thought their reaction was hopeful but somewhat underwhelming :p

Tomorrow we've organised a dinner with his parents, the two of us, plus Menrva, Bert and Grotto. I'm not sure how explicit we're going to be in the introductions... I reckon we might as well be, considering the big reveal is over. But I will leave it up to Ocean, as it's his parents.

I am quite close with his folks, especially his ma, and I was worried that they wouldn't like it and that it would cool their relationship with me. I'm hoping to have a one-on-one chat with his ma at some point before the end of their holiday here, to check in about how she's feeling. She's extremely honest with her views, esp if you ask her privately, so if I do manage to talk with her, it would no doubt clear things up for me on that front. I'm cautiously optimistic!

In any case, this is a big milestone for us. Shit's getting real, yo.
 
In other news - Grotto and I have started being open to having children. We're not trying as such, we're just letting things happen if/when they happen. The other day we jokingly called it "baby roulette"...

Jokingly.

I mean, this is serious business. Are we ready? I think we're ready enough. Like, we know we could handle it. But there are probably more things we could discuss the details of, really. I don't know. I've had sufficient conversations with Ocean about this, but I'd like to talk with him more.

From my perspective, I'm turning 30 this year and if I'm going to have my own children I want to do it in the next few years or not at all.

Regardless, I'd like to be involved in the raising of children - whether it be kids in my friends or family, or foster children.

Big Life Things.

Another Grotto-related thing, he went away with a group of friends for the weekend, on a trip organised by Bijou. They rented a big house, partied up, unwound. It was a good break for him, but he came back feeling unsure about how things stand with him & Bijou, and what he should do about it. She can be hot and cold towards him, and he's too close, too vulnerable not to be hurt by that. He's gonna see how he feels in a few days.

I'm cultivating as much care as I can. Care for Grotto, care for Bijou. I listened to what he had to say, and spoke from a place of love. I have had wild jealousy towards Bijou in the past and it's been good for me to admit that. Ultimately, I just want to be there for him (cue - Stand by your man).

Okay, must scoot. I'm on duty being host to Ocean's parents while he finishes up some work tonight. All's well in the village.
 
Nerves. Family dinner in a couple of hours. Ocean and his parents. Me. Grotto. Menrva & Bert.

We haven't directly told his parents that this is the "meet the partners" dinner. I really wanted to tell them in advance. I think I'd be less on edge if I knew that they knew. Ocean agreed that we should tell them, but he said that Menrva was retiscent about it in case his parents were uncomfortable at the dinner... He still had to talk with her more about this today. There hasn't been time to plan this gently in advance... mmm...

In retrospect, we should have just asked his parents directly: "Do you want to meet our other partners?" I feel a bit shit about foisting this upon them. They know we're going out to dinner with friends, but not who the friends are. I mean, it's cool. It's cool. I'm just... nervy. I think it would be less awkward if they knew what the fuck was going on.

Menrva was keen to have a meal with Ocean's parents while they were here. So we sheduled a time so everyone could make it. Logistics done - but some prep obviously unfinished.

Grotto's nervous too. He's having a pre-drink before dinner. Ah... easy, boy.

He's happy this is happening though. I was surprised at how much it affected him, really... I guess he's been this hidden person, and it's a relief not to be that anymore. Something he said while we were chatting yesterday:

grotto: i feel pretty good about it, i think even if it hadn't gone well i kind of would in a way cos it's like, bridge burned
i dunno, i kind of feel like more of a real person
it's just good to have stuff acknowledged
as like, a real part of our lives

Ocean & I are from a subcontinental background so it's been an effort for us to maintain connection with our parents' culture, whilst growing up in a quite different culture. We're both value the fact that we're close friends with our families, but up to now we've haven't been open with our parents about having other relationships.

Yesterday was a big step. Tonight feels like an even bigger one.

I'm scared...

... This is somehow more intense than just telling them.
 
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