I'll write (again) about the issue that's hardest for me personally in polyamory. It's not exclusive to poly, of course, but like many other things it's magnified by it. That's
acknowledging and taking care of my own needs and boundaries. That doesn't come naturally to me, and there are a lot of emotions linked to why it's hard. I think the most difficult one is
guilt. Warning: this will be long.
I did neglect some of my needs (most importantly alone time) when Mya was visiting, ignoring them while riding the emotional high, and that has really bitten me in the ass after she left. I had really low energy for the whole of last week, and I'm only now coming out of it. No harm done (I'm not too behind with studies), and that can happen in other situations, too. And the week-long-low has had one really good side-effect: I finally went to see a doctor about mental health, which is something I probably should have done some years ago. (Not getting into that topic right now, I'll update on this front if they diagnose me with something, but that'll be a while.)
However it's important to address these issues, needs and boundaries, as thoroughly as possible both before and during Mya's next visit. Obviously I don't think I'll suddenly be perfect at something I've worked on for so long. But I will aim to pay extra attention to this. The immediate goal is to decrease worst of the impact (i.e. prevent me from extreme low afterwards). We/I need to do some brainstorming about the practicalities later (I actually think we should talk about these things together with all three of us; Alec, Mya, and me), but I now want to write about the
emotional side.
One need of mine I did address during the week: the need for more sleep. We had talked about the sleeping schedule in advance, and deemed it fair that I would sleep every third night with Alec and the others with Mya, making it 5 nights with Mya and 2 with Alec. They have different sleeping schedules, and, thus, I would get about 8 hours of sleep on the nights I spent with Mya and 11 hours with Alec. Had we a bigger apartment, everybody could obviously go to sleep at whatever time they wish. But now, Alec sleeps in the living room, and Mya sleeps in the bedroom: so if I want to go to sleep at 9pm I can't do it in the bedroom because Mya's still awake and she can't go anywhere else since Alec's sleeping in the living room (and we have no other rooms). Therefore, if I need to go to sleep before Mya, it means I will go to sleep with Alec. I'm getting dizzy describing that, is it understandable?
The point is, anyway, that because I felt I needed more sleep, and for the practical space limitations, I had to ask Mya if it was alright to her if I slept that one night with Alec instead of her. She was pretty fine with it and the issue was resolved.
However, while it wasn't a big deal as such, emotionally it was hard for me; and now that I have some energy again, I want to analyse
why. It makes me quite anxious to deal with guilt, because I don't like to remind myself about all the baggage I have, but I will write despite that anxiety. Here are some of my thoughts.
A Because of internalised monogamous socialisation, habits, and my commitment to him, I
feel (but do not consciously believe) that Alec is
entitled to my time. Therefore, I feel guilty for not sleeping with him. I realise the irrationality of the guilt, and the fact that it is based on beliefs which I don't subscribe to, and that makes me feel angry towards myself for feeling guilty without doing anything wrong. Because I hate feeling and can't accept the irrational guilt, I overcompensate. Thus, I feel the
need to prove to myself that I won't give into the monogamous conditioning. Because of all this, it is hard for me to balance making boundaries while still taking into account Alec's needs. I tend to do too much of one or the other: if I follow my natural response, I tend to ignore my own needs, but if I fight it, I may end up putting all my own needs and wants before any needs of his, creating a situation as unreasonable and imbalanced. It is hard for me to evaluate them objectively with all the emotional stuff going on.
B It is important to me to strive for equality. I am strongly opposed to primary/secondary in my own relationships (others can do whatever they want and what fits them best: there's no judgement here!
). I am doing a lot of processing to truly internalise that equality is not sameness, but it is easier to believe in some instances than others. I feel like I
need to prove to myself that my relationships are as important, and that I don't put Alec's needs before Mya's just because I've been in a relationship with him for a longer time. To a lesser extent I also feel a need to prove it to Mya (through no fault of hers), and because I am very conscious that to the general opinion it looks like we're just two married women "having a little fun on the side" while our marriages will always be the top priority. Rationally, I think absolutely no decisions should be made because of a need to prove something to somebody, but it still works on the emotional/unconscious level. So, because of all this, and the goal of equality, and my commitment to her, I
feel (but again, do not consciously believe) that Mya is
entitled to my time.
Conclusion: There is something essential I need to learn to believe:
my time is my own; I don't owe anybody anything but it is mine to spend freely to whatever I want. I could add the disclaimer about the need to care for the feelings of others, but seriously I don't need it. I'm so far from the balance that there is little risk of neglecting others. It is my responsibility, and should be my
first priority, to take care of my own needs. It is actually pretty clear that my partners will take care of defining and expressing their needs (and that is good!); I need to prioritise my own for otherwise it won't get done.
To be honest, the thought of doing this raises such anxiety. I know it's really fear. Fear of not being accepted, fear of not being good enough, fear of abandonment, of not being loved. That same anxiety, fear, is there every single time I enforce a boundary; each time I express a need that conflicts with something I know somebody I love wants from me. The magnitude of the fear is irrational and in no way in relation to the thing in question; and the relief I feel when the other person doesn't react badly is similarly out of proportion. Irrationally, it is actually relatively easier to ask for something really big, i.e. something that's more likely to be a deal breaker, because the amount of fear is the same, but if it's something I really can't ignore, the possible abandonment would be easier to handle than with something not so essential (as in, something I can live with even if it makes me miserable, if the misery is easier to handle than the irrational fear of not being loved).