Redpepper's journey

Sounds to me like when Mon gets back, his LB could use a "date" with him to talk out some of that aggression. ;) Sometimes little boys need a man to vent to, not their mom.

You're doing a great job, RP. I know it's been hard. I'm so glad that your whole tribe is stepping up to help out, too.

Hugs.
 
So, I'm off to my retreat, after all. Derby is driving. I'm on the phone. She says hi. ;)

PN's dad is still in a coma and stable for now. It could be awhile, it turns out. The doctor said at 5 today that he has a referral to a specialist for Monday! Ooookay then. I guess a rest is in order. PN has vowed not to go to the hospital tomorrow and my parents agreed to take LB for 24 hours so he can have a real rest, and so can I.

Just bought bathing suits and ready to hit the hot tub! 2 hour drive and we are there! Phew. Can't wait! :D All smiles. :)
 
Derby and I got there and the party was under way. We found our private room, and settled in to telling everyone what had happened and why we could get there. We met some new women that are swingers and got to talking about all kinds of things. The topic of swinging and poly never came up, but it was evident that although we all were fantastic women, there is a difference in life approach somehow. Not sure I can put my finger on it, but fascinating to me!

The poly women seemed to be far more open to talking about BDSM, kink, relationship dynamics and expressing who they are, or maybe that was just me being like that. Ahem. I did get passionate a few times about some things, and loud, and no doubt, intimidating :eek:

The swingers were a little more reserved and cautious about topics of conversation, or what they thought about others and their relationships. Of course, this was one weekend, a certain group of people and from my perspective, so take it as you will. Just musing.;)

I do hope that everyone was comfortable and had a good time anyway. There were occasions when I wondered if the conversation was too intense for some, or the topic too way out there or something.. Of course, I have no control over that, and it isn't my place to worry or change it, but I do think about these things. I was one of the hosts, after all.

Derby and I walked on the beach, made and ate lots of food, drank, did some drawing, did our nails, slept, watched movies, listened to music, chatted to each other, laughed, had sex, and generally had an AWESOME much needed time. Ahhhhhhh.... lovely. Thanks, Derby, for helping it to be so wonderful. :)

Thanks to everyone there. (Although I don't think any of them are on here, but Derby.)

PN had a relaxing weekend also and seems much rested. His dad had a turn for the better today, slightly better. Who knows? Maybe they have discovered what the problem is, not what was originally thought. They have him on a course of steroids that are to bring down the inflammation in his lungs. I am so thankful to our medical system, as he will be in the hospital for a long time and has been through so much so far. X-rays everyday, helicopter ride, intubation, many different courses of meds. WOW.

We don't have to even think of the cost. We just have to be concerned for him and look after each other. I can't even imagine what that must be like for our friends south of the border.
 
I'm glad you had a good and restful time :).

Yeah, I was VERY thankful for our health system when mom was so sick a couple of years ago. Cancer treatment, hospital stays, therapy, most of the meds (a couple the government didn't pay for) would have put my dad into debt for the rest of HIS life & he was 67 at the time! Despite our griping about what's wrong with the system it's STILL a good system.
 
I'm still paying off my surgeries and we just got the first bill for Maca's. :(

I'm SO GLAD that you don't have those struggles and you can just focus on taking care of each other!
 
Good and bad news.

PN's dad has been given the week before they tell us that they recommend pulling the plug. He just isn't getting better. :( We cross our fingers and wait.

My lovely Mono comes home tomorrow. I took the afternoon off and we intend to come right home to bed and lovin', dinner out to follow and maybe a movie. Oh, I can't tell you how much I missed him this week. He brings a lightness along with him whereever he goes. It doesn't matter what is going on, he is always cheery (except when he is grumpy, which isn't too often and usually because of poly-related issues.) ;) :D

I can't wait to bury myself in his arms and have a good cry. I needed him this week. I admit, I need him. I am not ashamed of that. I trust him entirely with my heart, as I hope he does me with his own. This kind of commitment is lifelong. I intend to honour that tomorrow. ;)
 
Thanks, LR. :)

I'm feeling kinda useless on here right now. I think I shall resort to blog writing more often. I love that after two years this April I have noticed the ebb and flow of this forum. it goes through most definite stages and flavours. Interesting. Every now and then I am not useful and I take that as a sign that I can have a break. This is one of those times, I think.

Mono is back. PN is vacant and unavailable for anything other than hugs and reassurance. LB is cranky and selfish right now. He's a kid. This is expected on March break and when there is upset in the family. I am getting irritable with the whole situation, selfishly so, acting like LB sometimes in my crankiness. Sigh... :eek:

I had a good cry on Mono yesterday, which helped a lot. His talking about his bike is helping a lot. His ability to not take on other people's emotions is helping a lot. I take them on quickly and find it hard to separate myself. His ability to relax is helping me a lot. I am so grateful to him for being in my life. If it were just PN and me bumbling along, I really don't think I could stay in this. There is no way, at this point, that I could stay with either of them in a monogamous relationship. Not that anyone is asking me to. It's just that I am keenly aware of that these days.
 
You know what, RP? I love you! You are just so... well, you write in a way that is simple to understand. It doesn't give me a headache to reason through what you are saying. Some days, that means SO DAMN MUCH to me.

And when you write the things I'm feeling, but can't find words to express, I feel a big huge grin pop up on my face, because even if I can't figure out how to say it, someone understands.

XOXOXOOX
 
I love you too, LR. :D You know that, though. ;) We seem to be woven from the same cloth on a lot of things. I love that when I read your stuff sometimes I see myself reflected back. *hugs*

I had an awesome night. Good news-- PN's dad is off life support, breathing on his own and talking! He's turning around! He is very scattered and confused. We are hoping that this will end and there isn't any permanent damage.

With that news, and PN continuing to need a lot of alone time (I miss him :() I decided to go out for St. Patrick's day last night with some swinger friends. Leo laughs at me because they are his friends and I spend more time with them than he does. It is kind of unnerving not to know if he has had sex with any of them. I haven't asked and I don't really want to know. He has mentioned a few things that indicate there was some stuff that has gone down though.

So, my one friend works for the owner of a building downtown where the Irish pub is, and the owner of the pub invited her to the party they were having, along with any of the "girls" that might want to come. So I got all dressed up and went. It was a crazy night that started with shots as soon as we walked in the door. The owner paid for everything, just to be hanging with pretty "girls." I got what our purpose was pretty fast. Meh, I got to be admired and pampered with drinks and food, acted my regular loud, opinionated and jolly self at these sort of things. Then I was driven to meet Derby and Mono at another pub where my poly friends were.

I don't remember how the night ended, but I woke up in Mono's bed this morning thinking, "Oh fuck. I'm in trouble. I have to go to work in an hour." I also remembered smooching Derby on the dance floor while Mono looked on, as did a lot of his students that were there. He didn't seem to mind. Who knows? Maybe they were jealous that he was there with two ladies. :cool:

Who says a 41 year old woman can't party though, huh?! :D

Ouch :(
 
What a joyous day! Lots of family time at a local lagoon, walking and picnicking. Then home to watch a movie and snuggle, all three of us. LB went to bed.

This morning I was feeling down, as I am not doing anything much but stuff around the house and with LB all week I have off. But now I have some plans. I asked a friend if Mono and I could come and visit overnight, and might go to neighbouring city to visit a friend. I could also go to the house my parents just built. Lots of opportunities to pick from. That was all I needed.

PN is working all week so I won't see him much, but Mono is off with me for half the week. We have some plans to clean up around the yard and do a run to recycle and dump some stuff too. It feels like spring. Being outside is just where I want to be right now. Lots of daffodils, hyacinths and polyantha around, more spring flowers to come, and lots of gardening.

Leo is in California with his family this week and has been giving me a blow-by-blow of events since he arrived. Jealous. :( Not the fear kind, but the need for a holiday out of time kind. ;) (Inside poly joke there.)

I need to get on to the calendar and set some times up for dates etc. I'm feeling lazy about it, but in poly, it seems, the calendar rules. I am definitely a sub to the calendar. It is dominant over all of us, most of the time, :p
 
I think most poly's are slave to the calendar! lol

It sounds like a wonderful day!

The trunk picnic reminds me of one many years ago! We had gone to a beach a couple hours north of us. It was windy as all get out and we had to leave the food in the trunk and eat in the car so everything wouldn't blow away, lol. Mom never could pick a good picnic date :) ;(.
 
I gave up a show for our annual May long weekend camping trip with Leo and his family. This year I am organizing and booking the trip.

I hope it goes over okay. I haven't stopped thinking and feeling sad that I am not able to be closer to him. It doesn't go away, just comes and goes. It was the right decision and I'm glad for what I accomplished, but I worry about the future and where we are headed sometimes. I don't want to dredge it all up again for everyone, There is no point. But I do think about it and feel sad occasionally, for no other reason than I have lost the opportunity to show someone that I love them in a way that makes sense and feels natural to me. Oh pooey... :(

I don't like it. I also worry about how it will be between Mono and Leo and everyone else. I plan to just avoid Leo and not look at him. I will let him know ahead of time that that is what I intend to do. It's just better to avoid, I think. He'll likely agree. But, of course, I will talk with him more about it. if need be.

I am really excited about the next burlesque show I am doing. I will be sad to miss one, but I try and make these things winter specific, as there is far more opportunity to do other things in the warmer months, and I would prefer to take advantage of that.

The show I am in is my first attempt at branching out on my own. I have a really exciting idea. I will have huge victory curls and oversized shoulder pads for the event. I have to find a way to pull off circuit boards, somehow. It's become hard to find old computers here, now that everyone recycles them. Maybe I can find some fabric with circuit boards? I dunno. It's all a work in progress.

Enjoying some time off this week, hanging out with LB and Mono a lot. PN has to be at the hospital to feed his dad every night, as his stepmum is back on her island for a few day's rest. It's hard on both of them, so Mono and I hold up the home front, which, for me, means a lot of laundry, cooking, cleaning and bullshit like that.

I was never a good housewife or mother in terms of enjoying the manual labour involved in a household. I am rising to the occasion, but I suck, I admit it. Good thing I only have one child. :eek: Mono rocks at entertaining LB and being a really good buddy to him. I am thankful for that, as is PN.

I miss Derby this week. I am looking forward to seeing her on Thursday though, as it's our monthly poly meet up. I hope to at least see her afterward for a drink. I don't know if I want to make the trek this month. We'll see. It depends on PN's plans.
 
I fucking love this! Thank you, Susie, for putting into words something that I understand about myself also.

Well, first of all, I detest the term "casual sex." Since when is it actually casual, this so-called casual sex? Every time I was with someone it was intimate. It was intense. I got to know them and they got to know me on levels we certainly wouldn't have known if we hadn't gotten together, and I don't just mean what their bottom looked like, I mean their personality, their feelings. You're vulnerable with someone. I mean, some people say, "No, I'm made of steel. I just go in there and fuck." Have I ever experienced that, at all? I just don't find sex to be this jaded, cynical, stoic exercise. How do you manage to do that and have an orgasm? I don't.

from: "How a sex rebel was born-- Susie Bright interview" by TRACY CLARK-FLORY http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/03/23/susie_bright/index.html
 
I fucking love this! Thank you Susie for putting into words something that I understand about myself also.

Well, first of all, I detest the term "casual sex." Since when is it actually casual, this so-called casual sex? Every time I was with someone it was intimate. It was intense. I got to know them and they got to know me on levels we certainly wouldn't have known if we hadn't gotten together. I don't just mean what their bottom looked like, I mean their personality, their feelings. You're vulnerable with someone. I mean, some people say, "No, I'm made of steel. I just go in there and fuck." Have I ever experienced that, at all? I just don't find sex to be this jaded, cynical, stoic exercise. How do you manage to do that and have an orgasm? I don't.


Thank you for this post! I just had this convo with 2Rings. It makes him crazy that I have friendships with people with whom I've had past sexual relationships. Well, I just never got the random hookup excitement. To me, as you know from previous posts, it is just icky. How do you get off on someone you do not know? I guess because sex is so in my head, and not just a physical response like Pavlov's dog, that I just can't register good sex= to random/casual. But apparently there is a segment of our pop (2Rings included) who can fully enjoy random sex, like swinging, and say it's ok because it doesn't mean anything. UGH!
 
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