doglover0217
New member
This boards have been so immensely helpful! I thought I would put another situation out there.
Relationship context:
I am in a V with Red and Blue. Red is the hinge. Red and Blue have been together for 9 years. They began closed then opened up their relationship because Red identifies as bisexual and they have very different sex drives (that's an oversimplification, but will have to do for now). When they originally opened up, it was mostly for casual sexual experiences, but there were a few times they found themselves in similar triad or V situations (though often short-lived).
When Red met me, the dynamic shifted and they both made space for me in their relationship. We were originally more of a triad, but it has since evolved to a distinct V. This is my first dabble into non-monogomy. Red and I have discussed on several occasions that I eventually want to branch out and seek a relationship with a woman (as opposed to casual sex in group settings or threesomes with Red). Red has been supportive but is worried that if I make space for someone else that it will take away from my relationship with him.
I haven't always been secure in my relationship with Red; when we began seeing each other I had a very difficult time processing if he had solo experiences or experiences with Blue. I felt easily replaceable and insecure, but over time and with the help of resources like this forum and the different literature available on polyamory, I have been able to let go of those feelings.
Over the last few months I've drastically changed my approach to our dynamic. First, I've let go of the idea that our relationship has to be a TRIAD to work. I spent a lot of time worrying about Blue and Red's relationship and how I felt that Blue wasn't doing enough to contribute. I would feel bitter if I felt like he wasn't helping me support Red during difficult times, and I would feel extra pressure to spend more energy on my relationship with Red. I reached a boiling point and let all that negativity go. I redirected that wasted energy on self-care and checking in with myself about something I've been wanting but haven't had the capacity for -- a relationship with a woman. Throughout this my relationship with Red has been stable with a few small hiccups here and there.
The question:
Red is going on a business trip and we sat down to have a conversation last night about what we are and are not comfortable during the trip. I told Red I'm fine with whatever he wants to do. His goals almost entirely revolve around fun sexual experiences. He doesn't have an interest in pursuing more romantic partners; he has two partners (we can be a handful) and doesn't have the space to have another, but really enjoys the freedom to have sexual experiences outside the relationship (whether Blue and/or I are involved, though he prefers if one of us is involved).
We set up check in procedures and expectations on communication and level of detail. We also checked in as to what Red is looking for in terms of gender, sexuality, as well the ideal frequency throughout the duration of the trip. I basically said "Do whatever you want, check in when you can, fewer details are better, and use protection." I honestly mean those things and I want him to have the freedom to truly go after the things he wants, and I don't want him worried about my ability to cope or handle anything.
The conversation went a lot less smoothly when it shifted to me. I expressed to Red that I'm primarily seeking solo connections/experiences with girls, either as casual sexual experiences or with the possibility of dating in search of something a more than casual.
As our discussion progressed, Red expressed worry that if I start searching for something more relationshippy while he is gone, it might translate to me splitting my efforts when he gets back. I tried to express to him that this is a great opportunity for me to test the waters and see what I have the capacity for, and emphasized that this is something I've brought up repeatedly through the relationship. I said that he has two partners with deep intense connections that satisfy different needs and wants, and that there is a part of me that wants to explore with women and be open to having the similar freedom as him. He then said that his main worry is that adding another partner will interfere or negatively impact my time with him, as it would cut into quality time and there may be times I have to choose whether to do something with him or her. I told him that I have been open to the things that he wants and am giving him free reign while he's traveling (and even when he's not traveling), and he said that he is having a hard time processing because I haven't persisted and pushed for what I want so therefore he hasn't had adequate time to process and get used to it. He also stated that in an ideal world I would include him in experiences with girls. I'm having a very difficult time conveying to him that this is something that I want for myself, and that it's not because I don't want him involved (per se) but because I really just want this for myself.
We had to pause the conversation there with the intent to continue it tonight or tomorrow.
The issue:
I'm struggling with getting through to him that what we seek out of this relationship is different. He wants more fun sexual adventures, but I want to branch out and try to have something similar to him -- multiple romantic partners. I think there's a glaring double standard here and that it's unfair of him to expect openness and acceptance from me, both when it comes to sexual experiences and his relationship with Blue. I'm also having a hard time understanding where he's coming from altogether when I have been accepting of the freedoms he's asked for but my requests are being met with such resistance.
Side note:
Blue also engages mostly in casual experiences rather than pursuing romantic partners. Red may be having trouble because it's a request that hasn't been asked of him before be a partner, despite him having asked for it when he wanted to date me beyond casual sex.
Does anyone have any advice on how I can better discuss this with him when we resume talks tonight or tomorrow? My perception of the double standard is making it difficult for me to tackle this because I automatically take a defensive stance and get frustrated that he can't see that it's a double standard.
Relationship context:
I am in a V with Red and Blue. Red is the hinge. Red and Blue have been together for 9 years. They began closed then opened up their relationship because Red identifies as bisexual and they have very different sex drives (that's an oversimplification, but will have to do for now). When they originally opened up, it was mostly for casual sexual experiences, but there were a few times they found themselves in similar triad or V situations (though often short-lived).
When Red met me, the dynamic shifted and they both made space for me in their relationship. We were originally more of a triad, but it has since evolved to a distinct V. This is my first dabble into non-monogomy. Red and I have discussed on several occasions that I eventually want to branch out and seek a relationship with a woman (as opposed to casual sex in group settings or threesomes with Red). Red has been supportive but is worried that if I make space for someone else that it will take away from my relationship with him.
I haven't always been secure in my relationship with Red; when we began seeing each other I had a very difficult time processing if he had solo experiences or experiences with Blue. I felt easily replaceable and insecure, but over time and with the help of resources like this forum and the different literature available on polyamory, I have been able to let go of those feelings.
Over the last few months I've drastically changed my approach to our dynamic. First, I've let go of the idea that our relationship has to be a TRIAD to work. I spent a lot of time worrying about Blue and Red's relationship and how I felt that Blue wasn't doing enough to contribute. I would feel bitter if I felt like he wasn't helping me support Red during difficult times, and I would feel extra pressure to spend more energy on my relationship with Red. I reached a boiling point and let all that negativity go. I redirected that wasted energy on self-care and checking in with myself about something I've been wanting but haven't had the capacity for -- a relationship with a woman. Throughout this my relationship with Red has been stable with a few small hiccups here and there.
The question:
Red is going on a business trip and we sat down to have a conversation last night about what we are and are not comfortable during the trip. I told Red I'm fine with whatever he wants to do. His goals almost entirely revolve around fun sexual experiences. He doesn't have an interest in pursuing more romantic partners; he has two partners (we can be a handful) and doesn't have the space to have another, but really enjoys the freedom to have sexual experiences outside the relationship (whether Blue and/or I are involved, though he prefers if one of us is involved).
We set up check in procedures and expectations on communication and level of detail. We also checked in as to what Red is looking for in terms of gender, sexuality, as well the ideal frequency throughout the duration of the trip. I basically said "Do whatever you want, check in when you can, fewer details are better, and use protection." I honestly mean those things and I want him to have the freedom to truly go after the things he wants, and I don't want him worried about my ability to cope or handle anything.
The conversation went a lot less smoothly when it shifted to me. I expressed to Red that I'm primarily seeking solo connections/experiences with girls, either as casual sexual experiences or with the possibility of dating in search of something a more than casual.
As our discussion progressed, Red expressed worry that if I start searching for something more relationshippy while he is gone, it might translate to me splitting my efforts when he gets back. I tried to express to him that this is a great opportunity for me to test the waters and see what I have the capacity for, and emphasized that this is something I've brought up repeatedly through the relationship. I said that he has two partners with deep intense connections that satisfy different needs and wants, and that there is a part of me that wants to explore with women and be open to having the similar freedom as him. He then said that his main worry is that adding another partner will interfere or negatively impact my time with him, as it would cut into quality time and there may be times I have to choose whether to do something with him or her. I told him that I have been open to the things that he wants and am giving him free reign while he's traveling (and even when he's not traveling), and he said that he is having a hard time processing because I haven't persisted and pushed for what I want so therefore he hasn't had adequate time to process and get used to it. He also stated that in an ideal world I would include him in experiences with girls. I'm having a very difficult time conveying to him that this is something that I want for myself, and that it's not because I don't want him involved (per se) but because I really just want this for myself.
We had to pause the conversation there with the intent to continue it tonight or tomorrow.
The issue:
I'm struggling with getting through to him that what we seek out of this relationship is different. He wants more fun sexual adventures, but I want to branch out and try to have something similar to him -- multiple romantic partners. I think there's a glaring double standard here and that it's unfair of him to expect openness and acceptance from me, both when it comes to sexual experiences and his relationship with Blue. I'm also having a hard time understanding where he's coming from altogether when I have been accepting of the freedoms he's asked for but my requests are being met with such resistance.
Side note:
Blue also engages mostly in casual experiences rather than pursuing romantic partners. Red may be having trouble because it's a request that hasn't been asked of him before be a partner, despite him having asked for it when he wanted to date me beyond casual sex.
Does anyone have any advice on how I can better discuss this with him when we resume talks tonight or tomorrow? My perception of the double standard is making it difficult for me to tackle this because I automatically take a defensive stance and get frustrated that he can't see that it's a double standard.