Three strikes....

punkrockmomma

New member
I'm grieving pretty damn hard right now.

Things have been hunky dory over the last few weeks with my sweeties. Boundaries have been respected, a commitment to stabilizing our relationship was made, I've been feeling good.

To be slammed in the face again.

My female partner met some dude for the first time off of Fetlife yesterday, and performed oral sex on him. She told neither our male partner or me about this til after the fact. This is dangerous, unsafe behaviour!!!Not just in regards to STI's, but what if something happened to her?!

She wants to work on our relationship agreement, to make sure everyone's desires are met so we don't stray. I'm frightened, I don't want to write an agreement that for me would simply become about protecting myself from this kind of behaviour.

We are talking on Friday, their belongings are packed in the meantime. My head can't wrap itself around a way to make this better at the moment.
 
I don't really have much advice, but I wanted to post and say that I'm sorry you are going through something like that. It is scary and not fun and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

I hope that things work out for the best for you, whatever form that might take.
 
I assume you mean unprotected oral sex? Did y'all agree on letting the others know if there was a potential sexual partner on the horizon? If so, well crap. I'm sorry. And even if my assumptions aren't right, still frustrating.
 
I'm sorry.

It sucks that you partner wants to play unsafe and not in keeping to your agreements. Not playing like a Jedi there. :(

GG
 
She wants to work on our relationship agreement, to make sure everyone's desires are met so we don't stray. I'm frightened, I don't want to write an agreement that for me would simply become about protecting myself from this kind of behaviour.

She did this, now wants to "work on the agreement" so "we don't stray?"

The person who fucked up is worried about the other(s) fucking up now? And you "working on the agreement" is supposed to keep her from fucking up again?

Explain to us all what that means so you can see yourself say it.

Now, does it make any sense to you?

How about just agreeing to something then following through?

You being frightened is your body's way of telling you this is some serious fucked-up shit and you need to get yourself to higher ground before the big wave hits.
 
BoringGuy,

Thank you.

Responsible respectful behaviour is common sense, an agreement should no have to be constructed to keep one in line.
 
Common sense isn't common.

She is not tending to her responsibility to care for "Your own and your partner's health" in my universe. She'd be putting my physical, emotional, and mental safety in danger. Thanks for giving me this burden, partner! Swell!

Again, I am so sorry. :(

You write it like 3 strikes -- so are you breaking up?

GG
 
I said I would review what she wants for the relationship agreement tomorrow when we meet, but that was all I would commit to at this moment. In the meantime, their stuff is still packed.

We all committed to stabilizing our relationship before putting anyone else in the mix. And what she did goes way above and beyond that.

I think most people who saw this right now, would run to the hills. I know my head and heart are certainly there.
 
Common sense isn't common.

This! So true! What should be obvious, isn't to most people. Maybe she needs it said and or written down, so she understands that is what you want.

Regardless, this is uncool :(
 
She wants the relationship agreement written now, because she strayed, because she said her desires have not been met.

I have no experience with writing a relationship agreement whatsoever. I did write down a bunch of stuff that was important to me....but I didn't think outlining that you can't hook up with a dude off of a very sexual website, when you committed to sorting out our relationship was something I *had* to do.

Yes, it seems that common sense is not common.

Here lies another issue that just cropped up.....it was forgotten that it is my partner's one year anniversary tomorrow. They have decided to work on things ( a convo I was not a part of ). We had plans to review the relationship agreement tomorrow.....now it's being said that they aren't sure when they have time free now.....
 
Being their anniversary, perhaps arrange a time afterwards, so they can have a nice day without worry?

As for outlining things, best to write down all of your needs, wants and limitations. Each of you need to clearly explain everything. Writing it down makes it easier to come back to and re-read.

Storm and I just did this recently, so that we can come back to our notes and remember what we requested of each other.

I know it may seem silly or weird to write it down, but if it is in black and white, you all will have no reason to say "I forgot" or "I didn't know" - it's written and talked about, so it is available any time anyone needs a reminder.

Storm and I are planning on writing out our personal Poly rules to post on a board in our living room. This is easy for us to go over, and any potentials/lovers will be able to see what our "house" rules are ("house" covering our home, our minds and our bodies). This is just a way that things can be seen and remembered.

As an example, we both feel the need to be friends first, before anything romantic can happen. Also, we like to meet the other person, so we: 1. Know who we are seeing outside of our relationship (comfort zone as well as safety, should anything untoward happen); 2. Clearly explain to the other person that this is a mutual agreement in our relationship (being poly); and 3. Have the other person see what our rules are and understand what our limits, as a couple, are (ex. no unprotected sex of any kind, including oral; no outsiders in our bed; no over nights until a minimum of 3-6 dates [or however many it takes, we've not concluded this as of yet], etc).
 
Here lies another issue that just cropped up.....it was forgotten that it is my partner's one year anniversary tomorrow. They have decided to work on things ( a convo I was not a part of ). We had plans to review the relationship agreement tomorrow.....now it's being said that they aren't sure when they have time free now.....

I'd wave goodbye. They aren't sure when they have time free to spend on sorting out whether the whole thing will stay together? That's a clear signal that they really don't care, in these circumstances.
 
I said I would review what she wants for the relationship agreement tomorrow when we meet, but that was all I would commit to at this moment. In the meantime, their stuff is still packed.

You do know what comes after the bags being packed, right? They go out the door.

We all committed to stabilizing our relationship before putting anyone else in the mix. And what she did goes way above and beyond that.

I think most people who saw this right now, would run to the hills. I know my head and heart are certainly there.

Well, if you're not heading for the hills, ask yourself why you would rather align yourself with people who disrespect you instead of respecting yourself and walking away with head held high. What's that about?

She wants the relationship agreement written now, because she strayed, because she said her desires have not been met.

Yeah, so what? Too little too late.

We had plans to review the relationship agreement tomorrow...

Um, why, exactly? Sounds like you caved and said, "Alrighty, I will consider you abusing me and taking advantage of my good nature some more."

.now it's being said that they aren't sure when they have time free now.....

Those bags... still packed? Out the door yet? If it were me, the bags and their owners would be on the curb. If they're not, I'd say that you clearly don't want to take a stance or act in your own best interest. And that is sad. Don't you deserve better treatment from others AND yourself? No one can advocate for you if you won't do it for yourself.
 
I feel for you. I am sorry you are going through this. Not all choices in Life are win or lose. When the choices in life are "this choice stinks" and "this choice stinks too" -- pick the LEAST stinky.

The temporary stink of a break up here seems better than endless stinkage at the hands of a non-Jedi player who keeps breaking agreements.

Why sign up for more shenanigans?
GG :(
 
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I did advocate for myself.

I stood my ground, made my needs abundantly clear and that this b.s. and dishonesty was over if either of them want to keep me around.A clear relationship agreement was constructed and our "triad" ( I really dislike many poly terms) is closed until we are stable, and it is mutually agreed upon to open it up again.
 
I hope it works too. And I hope you have a final limit if they STILL break agreements from this point.

GL!
GalaGirl
 
This is my final limit, absolutely.

Normally I would not have been this accommodating - by now I would have had a screaming/swearing fit, punched someone in the head and walked. Poly is a very new world for me, in so many ways.

I was not trying to be wishy washy, if anything it was my rather backwards way of learning how truly differently some people work. No, there is no excuse for bad behaviour....and my partners have been abundant in that. But I have not always been a peach in my past either.

I am being understanding this last time, because I get some of their actions/acting out. It takes a lot of al anon meetings, yoga and constant inward searching and self evaluation for me to continue on my path, to have even gotten to a path actually.

My female partner said I need this structure and support, my male partner is working on being more intimate and communicative. I have done what I can, and hope they do the same. If not, then I move on.
 
I am glad that things have been talked-through - now it's just a question of time to see if everyone will abide by their commitments.

In my experience, so many of the agreements that poly folks enter into don't have anywhere near enough detail in them. When someone does something that one finds is outside of the agreement, but isn't something that was talked about, the "but it's commonsense" argument is used. Trouble is, commonsense to one person isn't the same to another. If something is important, then it's vital that it be discussed and (if necessary) written down. If everyone agrees that it's commonsense then no further discussion needs to be had.

In my opinion, the agreement should contain some good, broad general statements (e.g. "Nobody has sex with folks outside the relationship before the new person meets everyone") and specific statements (e.g. "Sex includes oral, manual and penetrative sex") That way you don't get into arguments about what folks define as "having sex" once it's too late...

It may seem overly detailed and unnecessary, but believe me, getting that common understanding is vital.
 
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