How do you know you are poly?

Kay23

New member
My partner and I are starting out on a polyamory journey. But I'm not sure that we are doing so for the right reasons. I've read lots of others' experiences where they'd said they couldn't be monogamous and polyamory felt right. That's not my experience.
We started exploring polyamory because we equate our sex life with the state of our relationship and after a few years of marriage it was getting a bit stale. My husbands greatest fantasy is for me to have sex with another man. Ideally with him watching but he would settle for me having sex on my own. This is not my fantasy but I get turned on thinking about him with someone else. The difference between us is I don't need my fantasies to turn into reality to get turned on but it helps if there is some possibility that that might happen.
At first we did a mmf threesome, in which I felt like a piece of meat then we tried swinging which was a disaster. we left it for about a year after that but the sex and intimacy started tailing off again. While the thought of being with someone else is alluring I've realised that I need to not only be attracted to the person but also have feelings for them and like them as a person. So polyamory is the only way I can do this. But I'm picky so the dates have been as forthcoming as we'd like. To be honest my life at the moment is crazy and the thought of adding another relationship to the mix is a bit daunting.
My partner has just come back from a first date on a high becuase he really likes her and they had a great time. The jealousy is quite strong but I'm more sad than anything else. I feel that he may have started something which is going to change radically how our relationship is. How do you come to terms with this and are we even doing the right thing?
 
Hi Kay23,

It sounds like you have opened Pandora's box, and once it has been opened, it cannot be closed. It seems like, as a couple, you are now poly, and cannot go back to being mono. So, you will have to adjust to poly life. Is there some way you can examine the jealous feelings so as to manage them? That may be your first step.

What other problems have you experienced so far?

I hope we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My partner and I are starting out on a polyamory journey. But I'm not sure that we are doing so for the right reasons.
There are many "right reasons" to live polyamorously. I don't see anything wrong about the reasons you two went poly. Wanting a more varied sex life is a valid reason. You have tried threesomes and swinging and did not like them - poly is what is left. You both consented to going poly and are now dipping the toes in. So far so good.

To be honest my life at the moment is crazy and the thought of adding another relationship to the mix is a bit daunting.

My partner has just come back from a first date on a high becuase he really likes her and they had a great time. The jealousy is quite strong but I'm more sad than anything else. I feel that he may have started something which is going to change radically how our relationship is. How do you come to terms with this and are we even doing the right thing?

Here is something that I can see as problematic. You are overwhelmed with other life events right now - at the same moment when your husband seems to be overly enthusiastic about his new potential partner... Bad timing. On top of the other things that stress you out you need to deal with jealousy and other uncomfortable feelings because your husband decided to start dating exactly now.
 
Thanks Kevin.
We have had a couple of very very in depth conversations about what I'm feeling and why we are exploring polyamory. It's made me feel a little more secure. It's also made me realise how much I'd been taking John for granted and how much he needs the intimacy of touch and closeness and positive affirmations about his attractiveness. That I wasn't giving him. He's getting it in spades now and it's really nice.
I've also been reading some great material about jealousy posted on polyamory.com. It's helped me get my head around why I feel so threatened. I'm still feeling that way but not as much. Although he's said he'll stop seeing her if it's causing me this much pain all that would do would be to shut the door on my insecurities so I would not have to deal with them. But the chance of them coming back are quite high. polyamory gives me a chance to explore these feelings and maybe deal with them more appropriately instead of hiding them away.
 
Hi Nadya,
Thanks for replying. Yes the timing is pretty bad but John's reassured me of his love for me and the utmost importance of our relationship.
Feeling a bit better and the uncomfortable feelings are beneficial in that they are forcing me to look at stuff I'd been avoiding for some time.
I think we will get through this and maybe even to a better place.
K
 
My partner and I are starting out on a polyamory journey. But I'm not sure that we are doing so for the right reasons. I've read lots of others' experiences where they'd said they couldn't be monogamous and polyamory felt right. That's not my experience.

I was happy being monogamous for the decade I was with my ex-husband and for the 6 or so years I was with DarkKnight before we opened our relationship. I tried swinging too, and had a few friends with benefits, but at this point I am undoubtedly poly! I don't think I could close even if I tried. Especially since now I have a second husband. I couldn't imagine not having PunkRockAwesomesauce in my life!

My journal explains my story, if you care to read back in the beginning. I had some reals ups and downs, that's for sure.
 
Well, I for one, do not believe that there is a right or wrong way. There is what works for you, and what does not, and only the broadest of "rules" (I consider the rule of informed consenting adults to be pretty much the one that matters most) in all of this.

So when I was doing poly, I would sometimes say that I didn't have anything in particular against monogamy per se, and could see myself doing that again if the situation and circumstances were right for it. And I had many poly people give me odd looks, and I had at least one say, (and I quote) "No, you're poly, and now that you've done poly, there's no way that you could be mono and have your needs be met." She barely even knew me, and she said that. But it was her speaking from her conviction that poly is inherently a superior way to do relationships. Well, I found myself stretched a bit thin and ended up closing with one partner and going mono. It was right for me at that time, and remains right today. Now I have a few mono folk looking for vindication from me that poly is a crazy thing to do and I stopped because it was bad. Well, it wasn't. It just isn't a good fit for my life right now. No big deal either way really. I don't get, at all, this need people have for there to be One Twue Way to do every damn thing, and everybody else MUST BE DOING IT WRONG! Um, no. Just no.

So.
I get a sense that your gut is telling you to proceed with caution. Sometimes your "something ain't right here" signal is going off, and we talk ourselves around it, but there might be reasons...only the reasons are maybe not what you think. So you need to process what you're feeling until you get to the bottom of your doubts and fears. Maybe there's a legit concern under there, or maybe you need to uncover and confront some stuff about yourself. And it sounds to me like you're at least recognizing and appreciating the chance to work on insecurities. Seeing the value in an opportunity for personal growth. That's a good thing. Gotta say that my experiences in poly have taught me a lot about myself! If I might give some advice, writing, journaling, blogging...anything like that, helps me to process thoughts and figure stuff out. Maybe it would be helpful to you, too.
 
Ten years ago, I was in a monogamous relationship. I was in my late teens. It clashed with my super power of multiple attraction. I went my own way. In my early twenties someone mentioned polyamory to me and I was like, oh yeah that.

It sounds like everything he wants clashes with what you wants. Go your own way.
 
Hi Kay23,

I take it you're experiencing some of the positives of polyamory. I think you'll want to stay with John for the time being, although that part is up to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi pollynyma

Have you lived in a Polly relationship! ? I have in the past! It worked quite well! Mff difference age's! Etc in the same home! In the end they got juelouss of there other people! I still know them and say hi now and then! It's finding someone who is happy with themselves so they be happy with you! Is how I see it! Allways happy to chat! If it helps anyone! :)And yourself
 
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