Which way to turn?

As far as the fibro/workout thing is concerned, you know that you're going to have bad days. You can't beat yourself up because of this. Sometimes your body just needs a break. Stick to your diet, give your body what it needs, and Just Keep Swimming :D

Good go this world needs a fibro support group. Its unbelievable how the trends and mistakes are ooooo so similar :)
 
Good go this world needs a fibro support group. Its unbelievable how the trends and mistakes are ooooo so similar :)

There are a ton of them out there. But I've found I personaly tend to dwell on the problems it causes when I'm a part of one, instead of fighting it. Unfortunatly it's been really bad the last few years and I'm not adjusting well to it at all. I was on hormone therepy for some other medical issues and gained 100 pounds in 6 months. I used to be a ballet dancer (had to quit due to injury and the fibro). It's been 6 yrs and I'm still fighting to get rid of it. It's hard because when I'm feeling good I push really hard and then pay for it later. There are times I just want my old body back so bad I just get really down.


@Karma
I love you honey, and what you said means a lot. I just feel like I'm making it harder for you. And I'm not losing weight anywhere near as quickly as I want and I just get so damn frustrated with it all. You know how well I do with not being able to attack a problem. Thanks for being there babe.
 
There are a ton of them out there. But I've found I personaly tend to dwell on the problems it causes when I'm a part of one, instead of fighting it. Unfortunatly it's been really bad the last few years and I'm not adjusting well to it at all. I was on hormone therepy for some other medical issues and gained 100 pounds in 6 months. I used to be a ballet dancer (had to quit due to injury and the fibro). It's been 6 yrs and I'm still fighting to get rid of it. It's hard because when I'm feeling good I push really hard and then pay for it later. There are times I just want my old body back so bad I just get really down.

Thats exactly what pengrah does. She feels good, puts all into the day or two and then hurts for an extended period.

To be honest, she wouldn't fair well in a fibro group. She tends to dwell on all aches and pains and if she saw other peoples problems, it might cause her stress. As it is she is yogaing quite a bit and walking. One of her most difficult tasks is seperating day to day pain from fibro pain from good pain. She has a really difficult time and breaks down for any ache. Even though they may be "good" pain.
 
I'm so ready for a padded cell right now. I got two nights of sleep and then last night nothing but nightmares. Woke up to a panic attack. Karma is out with his g/f and her non-ex? I dunno what to call him as she changes her mind every week. They are all talking about schedules and working out issues.

Karma called two hours ago to tell me his younger brother is in Jail. He's 18 and has Ashburgers. A high functioning form of autism. He got in a fight with the youngest brother and Karmas parents couldn't split it up so they called the cops. It's huge mess that's been bioling for awhile but instead of getting the kid help they hauled him off to county jail. He goes to court in the AM.

I just called Karma back to see if he got any more info, like if the kid has a lawyer, if his mom has all his medical records, how the talk withg/f went etc and Karma just gave me one word answers and treated me like an aquaintence instead if his wife. He thanked me for calling to check on him and it sounded so blank. Maybe I'm reading to far into things, but I feel like since I'm not there and not his g/f, I'm not worthy of being there for him.

I imagine most of it is lingering effects from the panic attack, but I'm starting to wonder if the Gods feel I have something to learn in a padded cell, cuz they seem awfuly focussed on breaking me. And I'm starting to wonder if they'll win.

I'm not jealous of her being there for him, I'm glad he had that when he got the call, but I feel pushed to the side because I wasn't. He seemed so disinterested in talking to me. I was getting one word answers and was having to pull everything out of him.

Any advice? I'm so frustrated right now, I know this may very well be me being to sensitive but I don't know how else to react. He did a very similar thing when his friend was killed, he wouldn't talk to me about it at all. Everyone else knew what was going on in his head but me. How do we go from being so close to so distant in a matter of hours?
 
Ariakas

That's the hard thing with Fibro. I have heard of so many people ignoring a serious condition (currently there is research being done on chest pain) like a heart attack because they think it is fibro pain. It's really hard to tell since has so many symptoms. Thankfuly being a previous dancer, I have the ability to tell the difference between good muscle pain and fibro pain. I long to feel the good muscle pain, it reminds me of days when I danced and would wake up after an intense rehersal and feel every muscle.

The positive is because of the nature of fibro, we can build muscle much faster than others. I only use weights once or twice a week but within a month I have definition in my biceps and calves.I didn't have biceps even when I was dancing :D

I tend to dwell to much though when I'm in a support group. I hit a nasty depression about a yr ago maybe a yr and half and wouldn't leave the house, wouldn't clean the house wouldn't do anything. Every little ache was something I needed to stay in bed over. I'm not sure of the nature of the psychological connection, but it all started when I joined the support board.

There's no doubt that there are days I can't get out of bed. But I'm back to fighting it. I've taken to remind myself that Yes I do have fibro, but it doesn't have me. I refuse to let anything dictate what I can and cannot do. It's hard to find the happy medium, but I try.

When we got out I find my place to sit and grow roots, usualy with a friend that was injured in Iraq, and we let people come to us. It still takes a lot out of me to just go out, but I make adaptatons When it's not 100+ degrees out I go camping with Karma and the foam weapons fighting group he belongs to. I love to camp but have had to adapt it as I've gotten worse. Can't got without an air mattress, a fan, 20 blankets, narcotics, ear plugs, a chair and a whole list of other amenities. Not quite as care free as I used to be, butI make it happen because I want to be in nature and enjoy my friends.

In a way I'm lucky b/c I've had this since I was 14 or so. 13 yrs is a long time to learn to live with it and learn to adjust. I've had yrs of hardly any pain and yrs where my parents almost went to jail b/c I missed so much school and my Dr's had to get involved.

It makes finding a partner a huge ordeal. I was in an almost remission when I met Karma, so he didn't truly know what he was getting into. I could try and prepare him all I wanted, doesn't mean he really understood how hard it would be. I also have OCD and my house is usualy spotless, now our tiny one bedroom apartment is almost too much for me to keep up with. Karma has been amazing, with a few hiccups, but he's still here and we're still figuring it out together. But he knows me. In the bedroom he knows where my triggers are and avoids them almost instinctivly. He knows when he can be rough (well my version of rough anyway) and when he has to be gentle. Add in having cervical cancer 3 yrs ago and endometriosis, I have ton of things to consider when choosing a partner. Will they be gentle enough? Can they get enjoyment from things being as gentle as they have to be? Will they be understanding that I can't handle certain positions? Do they get how easily I can be over stimulated and then be worthless for hours later?

I almost envy Karmas ability to go off and have casual sex and only have my emotions to worry about. I have to be picky. I have to find someone who gets it. It's like a job interview has to occur in order to have sex. That's a lot of why my wife and I have no had sex. We makeout, we are emotionaly connected in a way that surprised me, but she knows she'll forget to be gentle and hurt me so we never let go any further. I respect her for that, even if it does disapoint.

This is all honestly how we started talking about opening up the marriage in the first place. I wanted Karma to enjoy rougher sex that I couldn't give him. I had hopes to find our unicorn, who would get what we both needed, and fit us perfectly. That has obviously not happened and things have obviously gone way beyond what I originaly planned, but such is life I guess.

Anyway, I just hope you know that Karma and I totaly get it and if you ever need someone who understands the whole caretaker aspect of things, he's a good one to talk to.
 
I'm not going to stay in my cocoon like I used to, babe. I just... needed to be there with my cigarettes and my one-word answers for a little while. You weren't the only one geting them, trust me. Gf game me a back rub, and she got almost no response from me. I just needed to 'turn off' and process things for a bit... sorry. I'm not too sure how to handle this mess right now.

Our talk last night helped. You cuddling with me for hours helped even more. I can guarantee that if it wasn't for you, I'd be a trainwreck right now.
 
I just want to scream and sit in a corner and cry at the same time. Just a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

Waiting on Karma to pack so we can make yet another 6hr drive to Ohio. A friend of 23 yrs is getting married in sept and this weekend is her bachlorette party and bridal shower. I was looking forward to it, but now I just don't want to do anything.

Karma wanted to see g/f before we left, but decided that as soon as I woke up was a good time to tell me instead of ask if I minded. That really frustrated me. I ask for 24hrs notice so I can prepare for them being alone and so I can rearrange whatever I had planned. Really all I need and Karma knows this, is the common consideration of "do you mind"? It's not about asking permission, it's about common courtesy.

So we've both been going back and forth with moods since I got up. His brother is out of jail, He goes to court monday. Found out the kid had no lawyer and signed a bunch of papers with no understanding of what he signed! I really wanna know when his parents are gonna step up and be parents!!! Their youngest turns 18 in 3 days! This whole thing can drawn back to them and their inability to be parents and that really pisses me off.

I wish we could have afforded to take custody 8 yrs ago when we talked about it.

On a small plus side, I may have a date when I get back. Not holding my breath. He'll probably be to busy.
 
Uhhh Well we're in Ohio again. Got in about 7:30 am. But made the trip better than I usualy do. I can still walk!:) Currently working on getting the A/C in the car fixed, scheduling time to see my niece, and see Karma's brother and heading to Cleveland for a bachlorette party and bridal shower. Gonna be a busy weekend. The whole drive in the radio played nothing but replays of Lebron James saying he was leaving. I'm sick of it all ready!!! The only sport I follow is hockey, so I honestly couldn't care less, except I do care cuz I'm sick of hearing about it!

Karma and I had some intersting talks on the drive up and I'm in a much better place thought wise. Minus all the crazy nightmares of late. Oh well. Gonna go find something interesting to do...
 
So I guess this is what happens when I'm left alone with my thoughts on little sleep.

My sister in law is my hero. Woke her up at 8:30, she followed me down to drop off my car and bring me back, sat here at the house and talked for a few hours while my niece played (15 mos and so smart!!! And the way her teeth are coming in she looks like a little vampire and I think it is the most adorable thing ever. That child has my heart in a way no other child has. She is a treasure). When they left for nap time, I thought, alot. And now that the car is done I am waiting for her to come back and get me and run me down to pick it back up. So while I wait...

Almost through myself into a another panic attack. It seems I can only have one thing going good in my life at a time. Everytime I get one thing going another falls apart. Karma and I are at an amazing point in our relationship. The communication, the heart to hearts, I'm feeling so loved and comforted.

But financialy things are a wreck. We can't find work, I'm on probation at school and he's kicked out of getting financial aid unless we pay for 6 credits out of pocket. With my cut in hours that I'm allowed to take we'll be lucky to pay living expenses for a month. (we pay for them with school loans/grants). And with him not in school for 6 months, we'll have to start paying back his loans in Nov. I'm taking all online classes this semster so I can work full time, hopefully my back can take it. I've considered moving back to Ohio for a few months in order to try to find work, but Karma and I have never spent more then a few days apart in our entire 8yrs together. I don't want to leave him, I don't think I could handle it. Plus we are just getting back to good, I can't leave now. So what to do? MY parents are helping us this summer, and my mom has had to go get a second job and my dad pushed back retirement by 3 yrs in order to pay our bills.

I feel like the most worthless almost 30yr old there is. I just feel like shit!! They have done SOOOOOO much for us and I repay them by asking for more help. Great kid I am. Karmas mom is worthless and his dad while amazing just came into our lives 5 yrs ago. So hows that work, umm I know we lived with you for a yr when we moved here, but you think you could help us pay some bills while get our lives straight?

I'm just so affraid of my dad having another heart attack and it being my fault. My mom working herself to death and again my fault. I moved to go to college and better my life and instead it's made a mess of everything.

And no I don't just sit here and feel sorry for myself, I send out resume after resume, fill out application after application, I'm either over qualified or can't work the hrs they need, or the positions been filled or on and on and on.

I'm just really feeling overwhelmed. I'm considering going back on my anti anxiety meds. I've done really well with EVERYTHING thrown my way the last 3 mos and now it's just getting to be too much.

My sis in law says it'll all work out. Something will happen and we'll get through the rest. Well what the hell do I do in the mean time? I'm almost ready to kiss the degree goodbye and move back to ohio, move in with my parents, pay off my debt and go back to being a fast food manager. At least if I was here I could watch my niece and my brother and sis in law wouldn't be scrambling for a sitter.

I have big dreams and they all seem so far away and unreachable. Right now I'm just trying to find a way to keep from living in a cardboard box.
 
We're allowed to screw up. Your parents love you. They want to take care of you. I moved back home when I was 27 and pregnant. My husband was in basic training and we had to sell our house so I was homeless because we didn't have another home yet. My parents took me in, no questions asked, and took care of me. That's what parents do. You aren't a failure, you're doing what you can to get your life going. There are going to be hiccoughs along the way, that's life. Hang in there, everything will work it's self out.

-Derby
 
Mohegan, I can relate a lot to what you've written. I agree with what Derby wrote, wholeheartedly. Your parents love you. That's what they're there for.

You are definitely not a failure! What your parents do and what happens to them is not your fault. Just do your best, put your heart into it, show them gratitude and that's what you are able to do.

Set your intention that you will find the perfect job for you. Imagine yourself walking into work, sitting at the desk (or whatever scenario) and it will come. Trust it.
 
I've been up for waay tooo long with to little sleep before hand, but we are safely back in Maryland. Karma is off seeing his g/f. Hopefully that gets him out of his foul mood. Getting sick of be yelled at over nothing.

Saw my Dr before we left Ohio. She gave me an as needed anxiety med and a new pain killer that's used for arthritis. Hopefully they work.

Karmas brother got 2 yrs probation. Hopefully he gets the help he needs and moves past all this.

I think I'm heading to bed. The ride home was very difficult. I love my husband, but I hate feeling guilty because I enjoy going to Ohio, because I had a good time. I hate feeling bad that I don't trust him enough yet to jsut let him stay here and that I can't really make the drive alone anyway.

Other than that, I am in a bit of a better frame of mind, and when I get a little down I just think of my niece. I told her she was a precious little treasure and she thought hard about it and then smiled and said "yeah".

Karma and I are hitting the pavement this week to try and find work.

I'm finaly coming down off all the emotions of the weekend, so I think I will enjoy my cats and the silence of my home, curl up in my own bed and read a book.
 
In amuch better frame of mind. Got around 6-7 hrs of sleep. Only had 1 nightmare that I don't even remember. Feeling driven to get my life back in order. Karma is taking her g/f to school and then we are cleaning and having her over tonight. I'm hoping after having read the letter, she and I will actually get a chance to get to know eachother a bit tonight. Looking forward to it.
 
Ummm...... when did I become a "her"? :)
 
M just wanted to tell you, for what its worth... When I was your age I went through similar feelings. I was broke, made some bad choices to live with people who were not in a good place, drug addicted, steeling, selling acid etc. I ended up on the street and hungry. I was too proud to ask for help because I was still at university. I lived at school in the painting studio (fine arts). When school ended I had to fess up. I was stuck. My dad drove across canada to get me. He took pictures of me. What a mess! Skinny, hollow eyes. Defeated. I was so embarrassed and felt like a failure. That was over twenty years ago. I can honestly say I see it coming around. My parents will need help from me soon and I now have the responsibility of my own son. Helping the next generation. I think, as has been said already, that your responsibility right now is to keep at it. Which you are doing. And be grateful. It all comes around. It really does.
 
Ummm...... when did I become a "her"? :)

Not sure, we should have that checked out :)

M just wanted to tell you, for what its worth... When I was your age I went through similar feelings. I was broke, made some bad choices to live with people who were not in a good place, drug addicted, steeling, selling acid etc. I ended up on the street and hungry. I was too proud to ask for help because I was still at university. I lived at school in the painting studio (fine arts). When school ended I had to fess up. I was stuck. My dad drove across canada to get me. He took pictures of me. What a mess! Skinny, hollow eyes. Defeated. I was so embarrassed and felt like a failure. That was over twenty years ago. I can honestly say I see it coming around. My parents will need help from me soon and I now have the responsibility of my own son. Helping the next generation. I think, as has been said already, that your responsibility right now is to keep at it. Which you are doing. And be grateful. It all comes around. It really does.

Thank you for this. It's still hard to think of, I still feel worthless, like no matter what I do I can't get ahead. That I'll never reach my dreams b/c I'll be stuck working somewhere I hate to make ends meet. I don't want money to rule my life, yet it seems to. I just feel terrible about all of it. I've made some huge mistakes, and at times instead of learning I've continued to screw up. I feel I'm very mature for my age in a lot of ways, and in others I feel so far behind. I'm constantly comparing myself to my brother. I know I'm the only one who does it, my parents don't, he doesn't. His wife is always telling me how much he envies my care free spirit. But at 24 he has a house, makes enough that his wife is quitting her job to stay home with their daughter, travels all the time. He's living the life I always planned for myself. I decided to stray from that and am now I'm in one hell of a hole. If it weren't for my parents we'd have been homeless yrs ago. I was finaly starting to get ahead when I was managing a fast food place, and then I got the bright ideas to go to college and I'm worse off than ever. And I love Karma with all my heart, but the man has no concept of a work ethic, I knew when I married him I'd be the one supporting us, taking care of us, and I'm not doing that. I feel like I've let everyone down.



But moving away from the depressive stuff, I'm nervous. Karma's on his way to pick up g/f from school and then coming here. We are making dinner and having some spiritual talks. Apparently she has some questions for me. I'm hoping the awkwardness will be gone and we can just talk, for once. I'm ordained and a teacher on my path, and in the begining she was my student, when I found out about the affair I called it quits. I'm not going to teach someone I don't trust. I think I'm moving forward and willing to consider it again, depending on how tonight goes. But I'm still pretty nervouse.

Relationship wise Karma and I are still learning. He was explaining a situation and referred to something in the past but used different wording. We were discussing when his friend asked permission to sleep with g/f. Originaly that was how it was worded. Today Karma used the wod pursue instead of sleep with. Huge difference to me. Sleep with and move on vs pursue a relationship. Karma didn't see a difference. So I mentioned we should work on wording and context when relaying information. It could have saved some of the drama of the whole situation. Just one little word.


We've also decided that everyother wednesday when g/f is with her other b/f that Karma and I will have an us day. We've tried and tried to commit to having a date day once a week, once everyother week, once a month. We never stick to it. But I'd like having a day commited to us. So hopefully it'll stick this time.

I'm still considering my answer to Karma asking if I minded g/f joining the forum. I had thought about it before he asked, but I don't know if I want to let go of the one place I have to express everything. I guess in a way it may help us and I know it could help her to have others to talk with. So I'm intersted in hearing opinions. Do you feel you lose something by having everyone in your relationship on the forums or do you guys think it helps?
 
Saw a pic of Karma with his girlfriend at Renn Fair from last yr. Just another reminder that the whole world knew but me. Kind of stings a little to be reminded of it. Guess that wound isn't completely healed yet. Makes me wonder what lies were told for him to get away with that one, since we both had season passes. Why wasn't I there? It still hurts to think of all the lies. Why wasn't I respected enough to be told the truth?

Karma and I were supposed to attend a b-day party for the guy I want to date. But apparently since it's his weekend to see his g/f and she and this guy don't get along, I'm going alone. dissapointing. We are going to a pow wow earlier in the day and I was looking forward to ending it together at the party.

And she wants to spend the night with him this weekend as well. Still no sex as I'm still working on trusting her and the whole situation. But it was a bit hard to hear. When I asked how that was going to work given he can't sleep with 3 in the bed, he said he guessed they'd sleep on the couch. I'm not sure why but that bothers me. It bothers me that he'll be only feet away from me, but not in bed with me. I kind of wish my un boyfriend(or whatever the hell he is) and I were a bit further along with things so I could crash there and not have to be here. I don't want to tell Karma he can't do it, but it just feels so weird, and I'm not sure why. I guess I never let myself think about the fact that this meant I'd have nights without him. With my wife, and how I invisoned our poly life, we'd all share the bed. I never really thought of the fact that since we are now a V instead of a triangle, I'd not have him at night. I get it, on an academic level. But on an emotional level it's a bit hard to swollow at the moment.

I guess I was hoping to have saturday as just us, and now it seems the whole weekend is devoted to her. Free time when she's not in school is devoted to her. Our talking time is mostly, but not all, devoted to her and how to help her deal with some things in her past.

I get that she is a part of his life and that she does take up some of his time. Maybe I'm just so used to not having to share (or not knowing I'm sharing) that it's hard to adjust to that. I dunno, but I almost feel like my time with him has to be scheduled in advance because he's gonna pop off outta no where and say they have plans. The advanced notice I asked for seems to be lost in the wind somewhere. I think, ok he hasn't said anything so I'll make plans, honey do you wanna do xyz tomorrow, no I'm gonna see g/f. And I'm left standing there going WTF! I'm ready to start pulling out schedules and time cards.

I get that they haven't had a lot of alone time that doesn't revolve around solving drama, but maybe they should have thought about that a yr ago. I guess I am a little more upset about him backing out of the party than I thought. We'd been talking about going to a party just us, not the three of us, to enjoy some time without hearing people talk (as they love to do when we all go out). I was looking forward to that. Now it's gonna be me, alone. Might as well start the rumors now.

On a lighter side, I have been reading runes for years and am feeling I am about as far with them as I can go and have been wanting to explore tarot. Picked up a deck today that I really like and am looking forward to working with it and learning from it. I seem to be in a very spiritual place lately and am excited to enrich that.
 
I love waking up to a fight, tears and a migraine. I don't know how else to explain things, yet he still doesn't see where I'm coming from.

I apparently am holding it against her that she was the other woman. According to his friends anyway.

I'm just really hurt right now. Doesn't he know me better than that? We were doing so well and then suddenly we're fighting instead of talking. I guess I'm going to go find something to stay busy, he won't be up for another 8 hrs, so no resolution for another 8 hrs.

My heart is heavy and the tears are flowing. Going to find something to make it a better day.
 
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