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  #51  
Old 09-02-2014, 07:36 PM
Confused Confused is offline
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I was very jealous when my husband wasn't being totally honest with me. Insecurity is inevitable when things are being hidden and games like this are played. Have you not ever wondered if maybe it's the fact you aren't honest that keeps your wife trapped in jealousy?

Once I had a couple of years behind us of my husband showing me his commitment to complete honesty (and had time to heal from the past and learn to trust him again) jealousy melted away. I still get twinges but they're banished by honesty not by secrecy.
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  #52  
Old 09-02-2014, 07:56 PM
rdos rdos is offline
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She is not jealous because of past affairs. I have no past affairs, and I have never been dishonest. I have accepted that she likes another guy, even if she haven't told me outright that she does (rather it was daughter that showed me the evidence). I'm not going to be honest with my connection because I don't think she will accept it even if I accepted hers. And I cannot take back telling her about it, and become harassed for it. I might change my mind about it at some point, but this is not the right time for that.
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  #53  
Old 09-02-2014, 08:31 PM
Confused Confused is offline
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Lying by omission is still dishonesty.
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  #54  
Old 09-02-2014, 09:25 PM
ClockworkDragon ClockworkDragon is offline
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You are playing games. MArriage isn't about fairness, or doing what she does to you right back at her. That's not a relationship I'd ever want to be a part of. If you can't be honest with someone, what's the point? That's the one defining characteristic of polyamory that pretty much all of us, no matter our flavor, can agree with. Honesty.

You aren't being honest. Therefore, you are lying. This isn't right.
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  #55  
Old 09-02-2014, 11:50 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I could be wrong. But I get the vibe you are not talking about each of you having crushes but actually dating people on the side. If that is the case?

Quote:
I'm not going to be honest with my connection because I don't think she will accept it even if I accepted hers.
I prefer this way of stating that. Even if you aren't being honest with HER right now about it? At least in this way of expressing that you are owning your own behavior choices up front when you post. I encourage you to do more of that, at least here. Perhaps learning to own it here will help you come to own it in other spaces later?

Expressed the other way like this:

Quote:
But suppose we do have some kind of DADT agreement, even if we haven't talked about it.
That doesn't own your behavior with "I" statements. That is more like dissembling or glossing it over to me.

I'm not going to tell you what is right or wrong for you or your relationship at this point in time or not. That's all on you guys to determine -- the people actually in the relationship.

I'll just hope over time it moves closer to ethical non-monogamy if that's the outcome you both are hoping for.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-03-2014 at 12:43 AM.
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  #56  
Old 09-03-2014, 06:58 AM
rdos rdos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I could be wrong. But I get the vibe you are not talking about each of you having crushes but actually dating people on the side. If that is the case?
Nobody is dating anybody. The guy me wife is fond of is a mutual dance acquaintance that she likes to dance a lot with. Our daughter is also kind of fond of him, which made for some competition between them. I'm certainly not dating anybody either. I've not even talked to her.

Besides, dating is not my kind of way of getting into relationships, so that might actually be beside the point.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
prefer this way of stating that. Even if you aren't being honest with HER right now about it? At least in this way of expressing that you are owning your own behavior choices up front when you post. I encourage you to do more of that, at least here. Perhaps learning to own it here will help you come to own it in other spaces later?
That's true.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I'll just hope over time it moves closer to ethical non-monogamy if that's the outcome you both are hoping for.
It might. OTOH, talking about things has never been our way of operating. I kind of think that talk is cheap and what counts is how you behave. At least to me committing to polyamory is less important than actually showing by your actions that you operate in such a way.

I'd get really mad if my partner suddenly told me she was in love with another guy, and claimed we needed to move to an open marriage. Especially if she also neglected me, or claimed that some of her needs were only fulfilled by the other guy. That would cause serious marriage problems for me at least.
If it is ethical or not is beside the point, and so is if she is honest or not. Sometimes brutal honesty is not the best way to behave.

Last edited by rdos; 09-03-2014 at 10:03 AM.
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  #57  
Old 09-03-2014, 09:12 AM
Confused Confused is offline
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Honesty doesn't have to be brutal to be complete.

At no point have I neglected my husband's needs or said that we needed to move to an open marriage. I told him I had feelings for someone else. That was it to begin with. He then started trying to think of ways that would be acceptable to him for me to be able to spend time with the other. We were in a long distance situation and the other was a mutual friend and my ex so it was only phone calls for a long time and gradually expanded as my husband felt more and more comfortable trusting it wasn't taking anything away from him and I.

Honesty doesn't have to be traumatic or demanding or cruel. For us it's an act of love, it's saying to one another 'I value you enough not to misrepresent myself to you.'
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  #58  
Old 09-03-2014, 09:26 AM
rdos rdos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused View Post
At no point have I neglected my husband's needs or said that we needed to move to an open marriage.
Polywife12 seems to have done just that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused View Post
I told him I had feelings for someone else. That was it to begin with. He then started trying to think of ways that would be acceptable to him for me to be able to spend time with the other. We were in a long distance situation and the other was a mutual friend and my ex so it was only phone calls for a long time and gradually expanded as my husband felt more and more comfortable trusting it wasn't taking anything away from him and I.
That seems like a nice way to handle it. However, since I haven't even talked to this girl, I think it is too early. I think we have mutual feelings for each others, but I could be wrong. I also have no idea what kind of relationship she would expect if we did talk to each others. I suspect she is bisexual and already in a relationship with another girl.
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  #59  
Old 09-03-2014, 02:12 PM
rdos rdos is offline
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Besides, I have talked with wife about polyamory, and that I'm like that. I even described how it worked and things. The problem was that she never reciprocated in an obvious way to this. So I think she knows I'm ok with it. It's even so that other people think she is crossing lines when she talks too much about him, while I'm cool with it.
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