Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.: Merged Threads, General Discussion

I just read a book by Susan Forward called "Obsessive Love," and it really gave me some insight. When I think of jealousy (and this is not an emotion I struggle with, very often) I think it has a lot to do with obsessing over another person. I know for me I have to fight codependency issues, or I start to dissolve.

I can see where panic could set in at the thought of losing the love of someone you think you couldn't live without. I am working on the idea that the only person who will be with me till the end of time, is me. No sense glomming onto someone else for my own sense of worth or happiness... Deep down, once you learn to love yourself I think the jealousy feelings can subside. (Wow -- do I love myself? I guess I do!)

I really have no desire to possess another human being. If I love them I have no choice but to keep their freedom at the forefront of my mind. Otherwise they are loving me for less than pure reasons, which can hardly even be called "love" -- obligation, fear, duty, guilt, sympathy, pride ..... No thanks. You are free to love me and you are free to walk away.

I suppose I sound like I'm on a soapbox, I hope not -- this is my personal philosophy and I am not always 100% with it, myself, but it's what I strive for.

Thank you for posting this!!!! Very helpful to me. :)
 
I suspect we all experience this :)

And like you are learning, the final solution is the same as it is for many things.

TIME !

We just have to use the understanding (brain part) to play defense and ride it out until we start to look back (like you are) and realize how far we actually HAVE come !
From there the rest of the pins seem to fall more rapidly.

Keep on keeping on.......

GS

Thank you!

This is what I have been trying to tell my husband (I think I need to email him what I wrote). In the past we have never moved past this point where we are now... me trying to work through the emotion of jealousy. That is part of why we stopped seeking another to add to the relationship. We would get so caught up in my jealousy that he would end any relationship before I could work through those issues. I do not want that to happen this time.

I WANT to work through this and given time I will... I already see improvement from last week and the week before that. I just hope that he sees that improvement as well. This forum has been a HUGE help (as well as one other forum I am on).
 
Jealousy

Advise needed please!!
My boyfriend and I decided to open up our relationship 6 months ago. (we live together and have been in a relationship for 5 years). At first he was ok with it (I was very frank and asked him how he felt about it) and after a while, found a nice girl whom he spent quite some time with. I`ve found an other guy and he and I, are very compatible as well.
As time has gone by, my boyfriend has gotten more and more resentful to the whole thing and has said that he can´t carry on with this lifestyle - he´s simply too jealous.
Myself, I`m poly and I love this lifestyle very much. Can´t think of going back to the mono-life again. Of course I´m respecting my boyfriends feelings and at this moment we live a mono life again. I feel very tied down and as if invisble strings have been wrapped around my body.
I frankly don´t know what to do. I love my boyfriend SO much and can´t imagine life without him. However I feel as if I`ve lost a huge part of myself and my love of life, if I can never return to poly-life again.
I´ve tried to talk to him about it numerous times, but he won´t listen. He can´t comprehend the fact that I am poly - or he won´t.
Can you please give me some kind advice regarding this.
Can a man ever "learn" to live with and accept the fact that his girlfriend is seeing someone else - overcome his jealousy?
I tell him time and time again, that he´s the man of my life and I want to live and be with him. I try to reassure him the best way possible so he feels secure.
I`m desperate for advise!!
Thank you!!
Charlotte
 
Since this is basically a post that says "Help! my partner is jealous! What should I/we do?", I've moved it to the "sticky" thread on jealousy/envy/insecurity. If you want to explore the nuances of jealousy as pertains to the ebb and flow of your relationship, you may go ahead and start a thread that is more specific in scope. The way it is now, the situation you are in is very common and many folks can benefit from such discussion. Perhaps also, you might benefit from reading the earlier posts in this thread.

I also recommend not using your real name in any of your posts unless you're prepared to have it live forever on the interwebz.
 
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Can a man ever "learn" to live with and accept the fact that his girlfriend is seeing someone else - overcome his jealousy?
I tell him time and time again, that he´s the man of my life and I want to live and be with him. I try to reassure him the best way possible so he feels secure.
I`m desperate for advise!!
Thank you!!
Charlotte

Some people can and and some people can't I would imagine. Some people simply aren't compatable as lovers/partners.

I'm not sure telling him "time and time again, that he´s the man of my life" is necessarily very helpful. It might be better to focus on expressing your lifelong committment to him as a partner but not the man of your life. Your words (as I emotionally respond to them as a mono guy) do not coincide with your deisre for other men. It's a mixed signal that could be interpretted as a way to overcompaensate for the fact that you want and need more men in your life.
 
Try doing a tag search for "jealousy" and see what you come up with...this thread is good too! :) Jealousy is indeed one of the biggest, if not thee biggest concern in poly... along with time management.

If he doesn't want to walk through his jealousy and face it to see what it has to offer in terms of personal growth and in order to create a better relationship with you then that is his choice. You might have to move on. There is really nothing you can do if someone is refusing to even talk about it or look at it.

I suppose you could keep reassuring him (I agree that telling him something that is not necessarily the truth just to keep him with you is not a good idea), but eventually he will have to look at it. No reassurance from you alone is going to make it magically go away. There is a reason it is there and it might just be that he does not think poly in any way is a good fit for him. That's fine, but that won't work for you, so you'd have to move on or be mono with him. Likely the latter will be hard as trust would be an issue. It sounds like this is entirely up to him and what he decides. It could be that it is one of the more simple forms of jealousy such as fear of the unknown and adjustment to less time together that means having to have a more independent life. Both really hard to get through, but common.
 
Interestingly... when you work through your own stuff-- jealousy and other things-- it's a HUGE growth opportunity. For yourself. And considering why you get envious or jealous... and talking about it with your partner(s), and figuring out how to get what you (and your partners) want and still stay sane-- that's HUGE. It creates growth and patterns of communication that affect all aspects of your life.

There are, however, some people who will go with "that's just how I am" and stay there. Unfortunately, there really is nothing you can do with that. At that point you just have to decide what's important to you,what you're willing to deal with and at what point you cut bait.

People have the right to say "I'm not goint to change". They do, however, then have to deal with possibly being left because of that.
 
IN a mono relationship jealousy is almost EXPECTED, and it's sometimes even thought that the relationship is "lacking" if both partners are not jealous to some degree. So, most of us are conditioned to the point the jealousy is a way of knowing someone cares about you, and if someone isn't jealous, they don't give a damn.

Could this be what's happening in your case livsen? If so, this is a relatively easy fix - a person just has to WANT to change it. But this type of change usually happens over a period of time, and like redpepper said, just reassuring your partner is not what makes it go away. You have to be honest with yourself and say, "What is REALLY bothering me?" In the end, what is REALLY bothering someone may in fact be that they just not into the poly thing; but this is a poly website so of course we're not going to suggest that you give up that easily.
 
Hi

To reassure you poly/mono relationships can work but they require both parties to work at it. If your partner is not prepared to do the work maybe he does not get the importance of this to you? Are you prepared to end the relationship over it?

There is a yahoo group dedicated to poly people in relationships with mono partners called livingpolymono. They might be able to help but I think the first thing you have to do is work out whether you are prepared to lose the relationship over this?

I'm a mono in a relationship with a poly partner and maybe it would also be good for you to have a look at my blog. It shows a clear progression from the early days where I was very lost, jealous and hurt, to now where the relationship is working well. It did require a lot of work but we did it and so have others both male and female.
 
jelously ?

I am in my first poly relationship. There is me , my girlfriend and her other boy friend , mate , lover ( sorry if there is a term that I do not know ) . I find my self at times jealous if she is with him. I was wondering if that is normal ? the main reason for my jealousy is because before my girl friend wanted a ploy relationship they were engaged and things did not work out. Granted it was years ago,they still have that bond .They would have had a child together if it was not for a miscarriage, so they have that bond of losing a child as well. I understand her being in love with more than one person hence our relationship.I feel that if it was any other person I would feel totally different and accepting of their relationship. And would not see him as a threat . Any advise would be greatly helpful .
 
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Some people can and and some people can't I would imagine. Some people simply aren't compatable as lovers/partners.

I'm not sure telling him "time and time again, that he´s the man of my life" is necessarily very helpful. It might be better to focus on expressing your lifelong committment to him as a partner but not the man of your life. Your words (as I emotionally respond to them as a mono guy) do not coincide with your deisre for other men. It's a mixed signal that could be interpretted as a way to overcompaensate for the fact that you want and need more men in your life.

Interesting observation Mon!
 
for me the trouble is insecurity. although I (after 2 years of discussion) introduced the poly style to my girlfriend, it happened so that (after a few sexual relationships) she found a deep emotional relationship first and we both feel not ready for this. yet there is no return but forward now. so I try to observe her, myself and the situation, and try to learn more from your experiences. this site is great. as I mentioned in my post in "New to Polyamory" thread, I do not feel much jealousy (I even fantasize about watching her) but there is a dreadful fear of abandonment due to the emotional side of her relationship. I cannot comprehend living without her, she says the same to me. I am excited and terrified and hopeful at the same time.
 
The following is a good documentary that deals with the human desire for sex. The instinct of sexual jealousy is touched on in the end.

http://documentarystorm.com/human-instinct/

I didn't care for it.
I feel that it's lacking in a lot of important facts when it tries to portray what is thousands of years of conditioning as "instinctive". Basically it seems to want to portray an unbiased 'scientific' approach but to pick and choose the facts that support the message it wants to convey - one that supports the 'standard model'.

GS
 
I didn't care for it.
I feel that it's lacking in a lot of important facts when it tries to portray what is thousands of years of conditioning as "instinctive". Basically it seems to want to portray an unbiased 'scientific' approach but to pick and choose the facts that support the message it wants to convey - one that supports the 'standard model'.

GS

While I certainly recognize conditioning as a factor in a lot of areas, I must admit I do often feel it is used as a convenient skapegoat to deny the idea of instinct and natural behavior that does not support how people want to live. But that is the beauty of sharing things like this and our personal thoughts; diversity in opinions and theories.

The following won't be too popular but..... at what point do thousands of years of conditioning become known by another name?

"Evolution (also known as biological or organic evolution) is the change over time in one or more inherited traits found in populations of organisms.[1] Inherited traits are particular distinguishing characteristics, including anatomical, biochemical or behavioural characteristics, that are passed on from one generation to the next. Evolution may occur when there is variation of inherited traits within a population." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evolution

I do heavily favour scientific research when it comes to human emotions and responses. I'm a big fan of brain mapping and anything that can show definitive evidence of what goes on inside us.
 
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I like the research too. I think our thoughts and emotions are way more complicated and interlocking than people give them credit for. There's a combination in our instinctual reactions, reactions based on how we were taught to behave, reactions based on how we actually WERE raised and the examples we saw, reactions based on our experiences we have in life, and reactions based entirely on our own inner personality which is a combination of these things, but also sometimes just "how we are".
 
but also sometimes just "how we are".

.....and we are all so very different in my opinion. My reality and my truth may not be shared by anyone...finding happiness in that is where I find peace of mind ultimately.
 
........

The following won't be too popular but..... at what point do thousands of years of conditioning become known by another name?

"Evolution (also known as biological or organic evolution) is the change over time in one or more inherited traits found in populations of organisms.[1] Inherited traits are particular distinguishing characteristics, including anatomical, biochemical or behavioural characteristics, that are passed on from one generation to the next. Evolution may occur when there is variation of inherited traits within a population." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evolution

If I understand where you're going with this correctly (?) you do bring up a valid question.

"When does social conditioning impact living things at a biochemical level that can/will be passed on genetically ?"

In this case, has thousands of years of promoting monogamy actually effected a genetic change that now exists 'naturally' (biochemically) ? I certainly don't have that answer, nor do I think does anyone else. Would be an interesting research project - i.e. a difficult one.

I do base my 'belief' (and that's all it is) on my observation and study of behavior in various environments.

The (one of) test would be to raise a child in an environment where love, affection (and sex) were plentiful and neither hidden nor discouraged - but allowed to flow free-form. Observe for signs of 'jealousy' and note how easy or difficult those 'instincts' were subdued (if needed).

My experience and observations from working with children (as well as raising a handful) is that until some 'outside' influence interferes, as long as things are plentiful (love, affection, shelter, safety, etc), sharing is the default. Only when supply becomes short do you see problems arise with competition. There are exceptions of course - we've all seen them. But some unfortunates are born with cancer - so there's an expectation of a certain variance.

There's a lot of informational discussion circulating in the Abundance vs Scarcity debate/philosophy too. I think there's some relevant crossover there.

But in the end it seems what really matters is a discussion of which philosophy holds the greatest promise for the species as a whole going forward. Not what it is now, or what it has been in the past.

Interesting...........

GS
 
But in the end it seems what really matters is a discussion of which philosophy holds the greatest promise for the species as a whole going forward. Not what it is now, or what it has been in the past.

Interesting...........

GS

Very interesting indeed.
 
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