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Old 08-02-2011, 03:49 PM
1stTime4Everything 1stTime4Everything is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 9
Default Poly-curious..1stTime4Everything's Story

Today marks a week since I joined this forum. I've posted two threads - one small introduction and one that I'm a little embarrassed for posting - as it was out of frustration and I realize now, isn't exactly a poly situation....I am far from it, and well on a soul searching journey now....and I've been inspired to start a blog thread of sorts to share that journey and get advice and insight along the way.....and I'd like to start with a second introduction....

I'm 25 years old, female, married to a straight male....I am bi-curious and have been for as long as I can remember.....I am poly-curious as well, but only recently did I figure this out....finding this forum and being able to read all the wonderful stories, life experiences, and discussions has made me re-examine my entire life.......all those times I had moments of deep caring and affection towards my friends - was I just overly caring of others or did I feel for them as if they were more than just a close friend? ....all those times I felt urges awakening within me, even with a few couples of whom I made friends with - was it just something sexual or was it a part of me who wanted to have a true relationship with them both? ...all those times I cheated on my exes and the only guilt i felt was that the mono-conditioned part of me felt the need to keep it hidden from the two parties involved - could this have been a sign that my heart lies within the poly world? that i was capable of loving more than one person at one time? I'm looking back....going through all those high school memories of mine....and even after high school....wondering was it just that I was bi-curious? or poly-curious also? which relationships were just geniune friendships....which, if any, were a bit more than that? which feelings were purely based on attraction?

so why now? what has changed to make these feelings more apparent within me....well, I've been blessed to have married a man who is comfortable with me just being me and with whom I'm comfortable enough to express myself with and hold nothing back...a type of bond and relationship that I never had with anyone else before him....it's allowed me to admit things I have felt forever and yet was too afraid to say out loud....

it started with threesome talk.....and as one poster mentioned in one of my previous threads, maybe right now this is just considered sport sex or swinging.....but this is how it started for me.....threesome talk...just talk....it made that bi-curious flame inside flare up little by little....I started taking notice to girls and realized, hey, I've been doing this for as long as I can remember yet never really admitted it to myself that what I was doing was scoping girls out the same way I would scope out guys before....if that makes sense? so basically, I just became even more aware of the bi-curious part of me...my actions never changed, it was basically an enlightment that those actions were like "you're bi for real, you can't deny it"......during this time, I was so caught up in the attraction towards both sexes, coupled with the fact that I was very much in love with an amazing man already, that I didn't really associate anything with "poly" until I started soul searching deeper.....

....particularly with a friendship I had with very close friend of mine, Lilly...

I've been friends with Lilly for about 3 years now....our friendship started casually, nothing big.....around the time that my husband and I started dating is when my friendship with her grew stronger.....we started hanging out more and more and developed a close enough friendship to where I started calling her one of my best friends....we have had so many memories within the last 1.5 years, she such an awesome person....and I have grown to become very aware that my feelings for her run a tad bit deeper than just a best friend....and it scares the hell out of me...and what makes it all the more harder is she has expressed her attraction for me to me, just nonchalantly....we are honest and open and yet I cannot bring myself to have a conversation with her saying....hey listen, I really really like you, how bout we go on an official date? maybe its rejection I'm scared of....maybe its not knowing if this is really what i want to do?? or maybe it's a fear of telling her how I feel, and then always knowing that she knows how I feel....who knows....

well, Lilly knows of my bi-curiousity....she is the first one (besides my husband) to know of its extensiveness....and of the threesome talks that I have with my husband....it was basically all in one conversation I had with her a few days ago....during that conversation, I admitted to the fact that i was struggling also with feelings I had towards her....or something to that affect....she did not express anything she felt, it was simply a conversation about me and my feelings and internal struggles as of late....the next day, she asked me if I'd go shopping with her....so we did....and then we went and had a late dinner..it started with just us two and then my husband met up with us....and while nothing happened to make it seem weird or any different from any other time we've hung out, I felt completely vulnerable on the inside...I felt exposed and worried that it showed....she even joked at dinner that she felt like she should hold my hand like we were on a date....i joked back and said no no, we don't have to make this awkward...I mean, unless you wanna call it a date but that's up to you....and we laughed....it was nothing different than our normal back and forth banter.....but my head exploded with even more over analyzing over that small little joke....maybe it was her way of dealing with it, her way of telling me she was okay with it.....or maybe she said it to see what I would say? which makes me think does she secretly want me to ask her out? or is she just making light of the situation? so much wondering and not enough guts to just ask her straight out.....

so from threesome talk....to Lilly...to endless social outtings where its just me and my husband and Lilly....(notice how i didn't say "dates").... to lunches and dinners and shopping and hanging out - things that are normal for two best friends to do, yet make my mind go bonkers with over analyzation of my feelings....I end up here....a person with a million and one questions as to where my heart truly lies......do I venture down the poly path?? how will it affect my marriage? will my husband truly be okay with a poly lifestyle?? how will it affect me? can I love two people at the same time? so so many questions.....

I suppose that's what comes with soul searching and trying to find yourself....

I'll leave with how things stand as of right now...she knows...and my husband knows.....and I'm left wondering where to go from here.....she hasn't expressed any desire to change the dynamic of our friendship, and I'm too scared and "new" to this whole thing to make a move.....and again, I'm not even sure its what i want....I'm left poly-curious, dreaming of a life where my marriage is happy, strong and stable and where Lilly and I share an actual relationship.....I'm left wondering if that dream is truly what I want or just a painted picture that allows me to actually explore my bi-curiousity without destroying my marriage....

as for the threesome talks with my husband, which have ceased to end, and in light of my last post about the whole situation - we are working toward finding some type of middle ground....he has made it clear that for him, it's just about sex....and taking poly out of the equation for a second, I have made it clear to him that me realizing I am bi-curious causes me to feel like it may end up being more than just about sex....we are still at a cross-roads in this area but are maintaining an open communication and working through it all...

three things i know for sure....
1) I love my husband and nothing will ever change that .....I suppose he is my primary, correct?
2) I am bi-curious and..
3) ...having spent a week reading all your stories, life experiences, and discussions, and not felt like I was in the wrong place, makes me wonder....

Thanks for listening. :-)
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