Relationship possibly expanding... need advice or shared experiences

theghostship

New member
I'm fairly new to the online poly community, I'll do my best to do right by the lingo. I'm open to both supportive or blunt replies. I really just need some insight.

Our current relationship is a mostly polyfi triad. By that I mean we have been closed romantically and open to but not actively seeking others sexually. Let's call the current members Steve, Tony, and myself. Steve and Tony have been together for 5 years, married for 3 years, and I've been with them for 2 years. I am perfectly content and satisfied with the current arrangement. There aren't feelings of inequality, everything from decisions about adding a pet to finances to what we want for dinner are shared at this point.

Fairly recently we've been becoming very close to a new friend, Bruce. We've fucked around with Bruce a few times and we know they are open to the poly lifestyle. The idea of adding them into the relationship, expanding the triad to a quad, has been brought up. Bruce and Steve were the first to mention it, and Tony has some small reservations but isn't disinterested in the idea. My problem is that I'm not interested. Bruce is great, I love them as a friend and obviously don't mind including them into the sexual part of the relationship. It's been fun. However I simply have no interest in adding anything romantic into my life... I'm at a great place emotionally and romantically with Steve and Tony and I don't feel the need or want for more at this time.

I have brought up the fact that either or both Steve and Tony could pursue something with Bruce and I would be okay with it. However, with our mostly polyfi set up being so successful so far, neither of them seem to be a fan of having something separate from me. I suppose it could lead to hurt feelings down the road if either myself or Bruce started feeling left out. I've expressed myself to Steve and Tony and they are completely understanding and we all kind of feel at a stand still of where to go from here. I don't want either of them not to pursue something that could make them happy, I also don't want to force myself into something I don't want.

I'm not even sure what kind of reply I'm looking for here. I needed to lay it all out for unbiased ears... for feedback, or similar experiences (and how those have ended up).
 
Hello theghostship,

Sorry about the delay in responding to your post. Your first five posts are in moderated mode, and it can take awhile for them to get posted. I hope you'll be patient during that process, I for one am sympathetic toward your situation, and want to help.

I am in kind of a similar situation: I'm in a poly-fi V, MFM. By that I mean, we are closed romantically and sexually, we could add someone to our V, but that would take awhile, and we are not actively seeking. Personally I am happy with the way it is, I think it would be stressful to add someone to our V, as we get along just fine the way things are, and adding someone could raise jealousy issues, or who knows what all.

Everything in polyamory is based on mutual consent, you cannot have poly without it. Steve and Tony (and Bruce) should not be pressuring you to do something you don't want to do, that goes against your consent. And even if they are not pressuring you, I think it could be said that you should not be pressuring yourself. If you don't want to be in a relationship with Bruce, don't be in one, full stop. Honestly, what you are asking (of Steve and Tony) is very reasonable, you are okay with them having a relationship with Bruce, you don't even mind yourself being involved with Bruce sexually sometimes, you just don't want to be involved in the emotional aspect of it. Steve and Tony (and Bruce) should both be okay with that, even if it's not their ideal.

I do hear you saying that you think adding Bruce (to just Steve and Tony) could disrupt the harmonious flow in your current triad. Like you (or Bruce) could end up feeling left out. Maybe in that sense you are not 100% consenting even to that scenario? All I can tell you is, I have a V, so not all three of us are romantically involved with each other, and yet we get along just fine. We just had to get used to a different dynamic.

I guess my vote is to let Bruce have a relationship with Steve and Tony, while keeping your own involvement strictly sexual. Perhaps you'll develop feelings for Bruce later on. If you do, just let that process happen naturally. It's not like it has to happen, right?

Anyway those are my thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Though I guess I'm not really sure why?

You have stated what you are and are not up for pretty clearly from the sound of it.

  • Steve and Bruce brought up dating as a quad.
    • You are not interested in dating Bruce.
    • You are fine if Steve and/or Tony want to pursue something with Bruce.

What more do you need to be doing? :confused:

Now it is up to Steve and Tony to figure out what they each want to do .
At this time?

  • Steve does not want to date Bruce outside a quad situation.
  • Tony does not want to date Bruce outside a quad situation.

Well, there it is then. Nope. A quad thing is not happening. And since neither Steve nor Tony wants to date Bruce on their own That's not happening either.

Problems solved.

I don't want either of them not to pursue something that could make them happy

That you do NOT control. Steve is in charge of Steve choices. If his choices make him happy or sad? That is on him.

Toby is in charge of Tony choices. If his choices make him happy or sad? That is on him.

I also don't want to force myself into something I don't want.

That you DO control. If your choices make you happy or sad? That is on you.

You are choosing not to date a guy you just don't feel like dating. Sounds ok to me. Where is problem?:confused:

You thinking you are somehow "holding back" your other partners is making you unhappy. Why sit around thinking that when you don't control your partners' choices?

Instead, you could think "Well, I was honest and up front with my partners about me not wanting to date Bruce. I was honest about me being ok if they each wanted to date him. What they do about dating Bruce separately is up to each of them now. Not my problem at that point."

Keep things simpler on you.

Galagirl
 
A thing to consider - in many ways I consider my meta that I live with, Joan, my partner despite us not having any sort of romantic relationship at all. We're good friends, and yes, we've played around a little in bed, but it just doesn't quite go the direction of romance. But there's still a relationship there, it's just different than a triad per se...

To me, it sounds like if Bruce was around more because he had something romantic with Steve and/or Tony, y'all might go that direction too, so it wouldn't functionally, necessarily, be completely *outside* your triad-sort-of-quad as it would be if, say, Steve was actively dating someone who was otherwise outside the triad's life.

But I'm sort of a relationship anarchist who *really* doesn't understand actually-closed relationships - I mean if they make people happy that's cool, I just can't wrap my head around *having* one - so I may not give good advice there. I mean, I have *no* desire to add any extra partners right now and I'd *still* hate not having the ability to do so...
 
It sounds like your triad was working, up until now, in a balanced way. (Congrats, that isn't easy.) Now you, all 3 of you, have made a new friend. You say you already "love" them in a friend way, and maybe your partners "love" them in a romantic way. You're already considering "adding" them to your triad and making a quad. You think this has long lasting potential, apparently.

It could just be infatuation all around. Sometimes new friends don't work out. Sometimes new lovers don't work out past the infatuation phase. In poly, we call that infatuation NRE, new relationship energy. Real love takes time to develop. NRE is hormonal. Love is going through life challenges, supporting each other, while that spark remains.

I'm not sure why y'all are messing around sexually with "new friends," since you are in a (maybe precarious) balance so far. Have you "messed around sexually" with others, as a group? Was it a "wham bam thank you ma'am" before?

And now, your 2 partners, Steve and Tony, are infatuated with Bruce.

There are 6 dyads.

You and Tony
You and Steve
Steve and Tony
You and Bruce
Steve and Bruce
Tony and Bruce

There are also multiple separate triads, and then, and only then, a quad.
If you look at it broken down like this, "adding a 4th" shows up as adding a whole new world of complication to your current arrangement.

I don't get thinking as a borg. In my poly life, each partner dates separately. Trying to find someone my anchor partner and I are both interested in, and who is interested in us more or less equally, and treats us both well, and doesn't neglect the needs of either of us-- we've tried it, and it has not worked out. Even if a person was my lover and her FWB, it has felt awkward and sometimes been hurtful, sometimes extremely painful.

I can't see this working out as 4 equals. Bruce is a new friend. Y'all barely know him. Yes, it's possible you could feel "left out": jealous or envious, if Steve and Tony are in NRE with this new person, and end up neglecting you.

You like Bruce, you don't mind having sex with them, but have no more "romantic love" to spread around. You're polysaturated. But it seems like S and T do not think they, either one, are polysaturated... Do you fear they will lose interest in you, with this new play friend/possible lover/possible partner in their lives?

BTW, how does playing with "new friends" work, in this pandemic? How many people will Bruce be spreading your triads' germs to, and how many people does he share germs with?
 
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