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Old 08-13-2018, 09:39 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,501

Originally Posted by BelleRose
Originally Posted by Galagirl
Yup. No point in dragging it out.

What is the consequence you plan to do if it happens again?
I'm honestly hoping it won't come to that. I was very clear, and while he has assured me that he has no interest in starting something with Lucy going forward, I told him that if he's going to start something with someone new I, A - Want a heads up before hand and, B - Do not want to watch it unfold in front of me.

I'm still quite convinced that he was acting out, maybe about me starting to date Jose? Maybe not. But I don't think it will be an issue going forward.
Hopefully it becomes a non-issue as you hope.

At the same time, you do not set personal boundaries for OTHER people to respect. You set them for YOU to honor and respect.

So if he DOES step on your toes again...
  • He doesn't give you a heads up that he wants to see someone new ahead of time
  • He does PDA/hitting on people/getting handsy in front of you again

...what is the consequence you plan to do? Think it out. You don't have to post it here. Just have to articulate to yourself so YOU know where the line in the sand is and if the situation arises YOU know what to do.

Like "hope for the best and plan for the worst" so you are ok either way. YKWIM?

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Old 08-13-2018, 02:59 PM
breathemusic breathemusic is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 551

Not to be too critical... but I just want to point out that while, yes, his behavior was probably passive-aggressive and definitely out of line (not excusing that at all), that you were ALSO being passive-aggressive by walking out without even saying anything to him.

I mean, if he had done that to you.... would you be worried? Would you wonder if he was ok? Yes, sure, you did eventually respond to him reaching out and let him know that you were fine, but honestly that's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone.

So I think that you BOTH realistically have some work to do in changing your communication and learning how to be more direct. I absolutely understand not wanting to make a scene in that space, or in front of your friend. I'm not suggesting that you had to do any of that. But if your expectation ever includes "he should know why I'm upset!" then you're not communicating directly and you're being passive-aggressive. Just like him putting on some shitty display and acting out for who knows what reason, but probably because of the Jose situation, is also expecting you to "guess" what's wrong and is not ok behavior.

I know you said up front that you probably didn't handle it in the best way. So you're clearly self-aware in that respect. But I would just suggest that it might be worth examining if these indirect communication styles are common for you both if you look back at your history. Maybe that is a more overarching issue than just as it relates to dating/poly.
Me: 31, female, nesting partner and Domme of Sudo, sub to Mr. Hyde
Sudo: 36, male, lives w/ me, dating Goddess
Mr. Hyde: 45, male, married w/ kids, my ex(Dom)
RCT (or Ty): 31, male, mono, current roommate/friend, dad to Lizzy
Goddess: 44, queer female Domme, dating Sudo, but we also co-top him together at times
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Old 08-13-2018, 11:10 PM
BelleRose's Avatar
BelleRose BelleRose is offline
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 49

Originally Posted by breathemusic View Post
Yes, sure, you did eventually respond to him reaching out and let him know that you were fine, but honestly that's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone.
True. In hindsight that wasnít fair to him, and he was very upset that I left without saying anything. He also asked me how I would have felt if heíd left like that without telling me. Of course, that made me wonder how he would have felt had I draped myself all over an acquaintance of his who had disrespected our relationship in the past. But nevertheless, that wasnít fair.

This also answers GalaGirlís question: If anything like that happens again I will tell him that Iím leaving directly, and then proceed pretty much in the same way I did. I was very explicit the next day after Iíd cooled down and had time to think. I just needed to remove myself in the moment and that part I should have been more considerate about despite his behavior.

I typically communicate directly and explicitly with him (and everyone, really), and in writing if itís a particularly touchy situation because itís the best way for me to be clear. He isnít particularly passive aggressive (usually) but I have noticed that he tends to avoid confrontation if he can.

That being said, sometime this week Iím going to update him about my other partners and ask him how he feels. If there are any weird feelings itís probably better to get it on the table now before any other issues arise.
ME: Belle - F | Bisexual | Poly | Domme | 30

Mi Amour
PARTNER: George - M | Straight | Poly | 43
META: Gina - F | Fluid | Poly | 38

PET: Luke - M | Het-flex | Monogamish | 25

Jose - M | Straight | Mono (Poly friendly) | 44
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