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  #11  
Old 10-11-2017, 07:19 PM
Dop8526 Dop8526 is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I do not date poly men with nesting partners because of women like your wife.

I am an adult and choose my own friends thank you and no one gets to direct my relationships but me and my partner.

Op you are being a sloppy hinge and need to place boundries with your wife and stick to them.
I'm seeing some of the points made here. It's not quite as cut and dry maybe as that. Without going into too much detail it's hard to completely isolate one from the other, she was also married with children and we met with our families for a picnic a couple of times.

My wife called at 430 am while I was asleep in her bed, so me thinking there's an emergency or something wrong answer right away to her bitching and my gf hears it. Its hard to hide when somethings bothering you from somebody who's emotionally connected to you. That being said I do accept the blame for not being more firm in boudaries.

As much as I hate to say it, I don't think that my wife can handle being poly. I may have to give up on being poly if I am with her, because I know it also hurt my gf to do what she did and now that I'm not as hurt I understand why, whether or not I agree with how.
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  #12  
Old 10-11-2017, 10:15 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Dop8526,

It sounds like your wife is being one-sided and selfish. You need to communicate this to her, somehow, in a convincing way. Perhaps you could ask her how she'd like to be the secondary, she needs to put herself in the secondary's shoes. On the other hand, if you stop being poly, and give up your secondary, then your wife needs to stop being poly, and give up her secondary too. And before going that way, think about how that will make the secondaries feel. They haven't done anything wrong.

I hope you can get things worked out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #13  
Old 10-12-2017, 12:13 AM
Dop8526 Dop8526 is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi Dop8526,

It sounds like your wife is being one-sided and selfish. You need to communicate this to her, somehow, in a convincing way. Perhaps you could ask her how she'd like to be the secondary, she needs to put herself in the secondary's shoes. On the other hand, if you stop being poly, and give up your secondary, then your wife needs to stop being poly, and give up her secondary too. And before going that way, think about how that will make the secondaries feel. They haven't done anything wrong.

I hope you can get things worked out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I agree, people aren't throwaways, it's the last thing I want to do, I've never thought it was okay did you just say why we're closing it and you guys have to just go bye bye it's not fair and this is what makes it so hard to think about. On the other hand if its bound to hurt them in the long run anyways what more can i do but as much as i can to prevent more people from getting hurt, including myself.

I just have tried to explain and put in perspective so many times its like talking to a fucking brick wall. The response I always get is but I think this, and but I would feel better about it if this and blah blah blah blah blah.

I've tried to get her to reach out somebody online or in the poly Community there's people that were talk to her I think she really needs that help from somebody who can help her manage her emotions and make this kind of relationship work. It just seems to me like she doesn't feel like she's doing anything wrong like these things are all her right as my wife
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  #14  
Old 10-12-2017, 12:20 AM
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Would she be willing to join this forum? Maybe we could help her manage her emotions.
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  #15  
Old 10-12-2017, 12:53 AM
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I think Kevin's idea to have your wife join this forum is a good one. Even if she doesn't wish to participate, just reading posts and blogs may give her new tools and resources for working through her emotions, insecurities, and fears. It's certainly helped me....
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  #16  
Old 10-12-2017, 05:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dop8526 View Post
I'm seeing some of the points made here. It's not quite as cut and dried, maybe, as that. Without going into too much detail, it's hard to completely isolate one from the other.

[My gf] was also married with children. We met with our families for a picnic a couple of times.

My wife called at 4:30 am while I was asleep in [gf's] bed. So, thinking there's an emergency or something wrong, I answer right away [to her bitching], and my gf hears it. It's hard to hide when something's bothering you, from somebody who's emotionally connected to you.
So your wife called for no good reason, disturbing your sleep and your gf's sleep. Just bitching at you at 4AM because she's jealous and wants to disturb both of you. And you were upset, and then your gf was as well. Unacceptable!

If I had a bf like that, whose wife was so insecure she was calling in the middle of the night just to yell at my bf, plus all the other ridiculous information you've shared, I'd break up with him. I'd blame him and his weak boundaries and ineffective negotiations with his wife around practicing polyamory.

Quote:
That being said I do accept the blame for not being more firm in [my] boundaries.

As much as I hate to say it, I don't think that my wife can handle being poly. I may have to give up on being poly if I am with her, because I know it also hurt my gf [when my wife did] what she did.

Now that I'm not as hurt, I understand why, whether or not I agree with how.
It sounds like you and wife could negotiate to both Close the relationship for a while, until you set down, maybe in writing, expectations and boundaries around what goes on when one or the other of you is on a date. Right now, she can do whatever she wants, she can date, come home whenever, call you at 4AM at your gf's to bitch at you, rage at you for coming home 5 minutes late. You're not being "easy-going." I'm sorry to be blunt but, you're being a pushover, and you are being a crap partner to your gf.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Dop8526 View Post
I agree, people aren't throwaways. It's the last thing I want to do. I've never thought it was okay [to] just say, "We're closing [the marriage] and you [metamours] have to just go bye-bye."

It's not fair, and this is what makes it so hard to think about. On the other hand if its bound to hurt them in the long run anyways what more can I do but as much as i can to prevent more people from getting hurt, including myself?
You have several choices:

Get your wife to agree to Close your relationship (both of you stop seeing your OSOs) until clearer rules are set up that apply to BOTH of you, or

Break up with wife if she refuses to agree to equal rules, or if she agrees but doesn't follow through, or

Go on as you are, being a pushover and hurting your gf and allowing your wife to hurt you

Quote:
I just have tried to explain and put in perspective so many times. It's like talking to a fucking brick wall. The response I always get is, "But I think this, but I would feel better about it if this, and blah blah blah blah blah."

I've tried to get her to reach out somebody online, or in the poly community. There's people that [would] talk to her. I think she really needs that help from somebody who can help her manage her emotions, and make this kind of relationship work. It just seems to me like she doesn't feel like she's doing anything wrong; like these things are all her right as my wife.
Other laymen in the poly community, here or irl, can only do so much. If you've tried to discuss this with your wife, only to be steamrollered into going along with her rule, which seems to be, "My way or the highway," you could refuse to keep putting in the same old energy and expecting a different result. New measures need to be taken. She is being entirely self-centered. Poly doesn't work unless all people are on the same page. Communication doesn't work if both people don't feel heard. She's obviously extremely jealous, and that is based in fear of loss. All her annoying acting out reflects this.

And a marriage, even a mono one, isn't truly healthy if one person is the boss 100% of the time, and the other person is just their doormat, their yes-man. That's just the definition of dysfunctional. It's just not balanced. I can hear your frustration.

Ever done any couple's therapy? You could seek a therapist who is experienced in counseling poly couples, or at least other alternative issues.
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  #17  
Old 10-12-2017, 05:31 PM
Dop8526 Dop8526 is offline
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I appreciate everyones replies. I have a lot of thinking to do, and a lot of talking to my wife. I feel I'm at a dead end, but maybe there's still hope. I told her that calling like that wasn't OK, I was pretty mad about that one. She said she was sorry, and she knows it wasn't right. Says she wants to change and for this to work. I just don't know if she really does because it seems good for awhile and then some other petty bs comes up.
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  #18  
Old 10-12-2017, 06:08 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I told her that calling like that wasn't OK, I was pretty mad about that one. She said she was sorry, and she knows it wasn't right.
I think there is a point where you stop asking HER to do things. And you change how YOU behave.

For instance... could turn the phone off. Let it go to voice mail. If it is an actual emergency? What she needs to call is 911. Not you. Having you around to help would be nice, but what is NEEDED is 911.

If it is not an emergency? She going to be all cranky either way.
  • It can be (cranky yelling at you at 4 AM where you get no sleep).
  • Or it can be (you get some sleep and deal with the cranky when you go home.)

I would choose sleep. She might not LIKE it. But her having some feelings in the night isn't going to kill her. If having some feelings in the night is causing her THIS much distress? She doesn't need you. She needs a doctor. She could stop applying at your door for EVERYTHING and knock on the right door.

Quote:
Says she wants to change and for this to work. I just don't know if she really does because it seems good for awhile and then some other petty bs comes up.
I don't know if anything here helps in your situation. I could be wrong, but you seem stuck in some circle conversation thing that goes nowhere.

I think if this is chronic behavior? She can show she is working on changing her behaviors by seeking OUTSIDE help. She could make and keep appointments with a counselor/doctor for the emotional outburst stuff. And do her patient management plan the professionals lay out for her to do.

If she's showing she's working it? Then maybe you agree to keep going.

If she's NOT working it and it is "all talk, no show" stories about how she wants things to be different but then doesn't really follow through on anything to bring actual change about?

You may have to accept that she just will not change. You may have to accept that you might love her. But not even for her should you stay in something that is hurting you.

You may have to separate in order to be free of all this upsetting behavior. You do not exist to be someone else's life raft or door mat. You cannot "carry" her forever. You end up burning yourself out... and she's still not any better. It's just... lather, rinse, repeat.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-12-2017 at 08:49 PM.
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  #19  
Old 10-12-2017, 07:02 PM
breathemusic breathemusic is offline
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I think that what others are saying here in terms of how you respond is SPOT on.

If she's going to act out, don't listen to it. Don't answer the phone at a bad time, or if it's during an ok time and she's just going to bitch about things then say "ok, I'm not going to listen to this double standard, so I'm going to go ahead and hang up the phone now unless you had something unrelated and reasonable that you wanted to discuss." And then if the griping continues, hang up.

If it happens in person, walk away. Make your point the first time, but don't continue to argue what you know is a double standard.


I'm in the position of your g/f RIGHT NOW with a partner. After being together for over a year and a half, his wife has been spending the last 6 months, min struggling with poly. It was getting better, but not enough and my partner is exhausted. To the point where we might now have to take a break, which might even end up in a break-up. I'm feeling crushed, and will be devastated if we do actually have to take a break or break-up. But I don't expect him to just be miserable trying to maintain some balancing act between her and I (note that I've bent over freaking backwards to accommodate her feelings and it has helped very little. The issue is poly in general and not me, apparently).

So the reality is, she may or may not be able to work through her feelings and get to a point where she is on board with poly.... but what she's doing right now definitely isn't acceptable. And at the very least, you should be trying to hinge it in a way that it isn't impacting your g/f since the issue is between you and your wife, not your g/f.
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  #20  
Old 10-12-2017, 08:44 PM
Dop8526 Dop8526 is offline
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The early am phone call was only answered because I have a seven year old daughter. If there was something wrong with her I would regret it for the rest of my life for not answering it. If it were just me and my wife I definitely would not have answered that call. I've learned a lot from all the ways she affected my last relationship. Im trying to do a much better job this time around of being a hinge. Lately I have been a lot more assertive about what I'm going to accept. I don't complain to my girlfriend about it keep everything as separate as possible
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