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Old 05-17-2013, 01:17 AM
aldea aldea is offline
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Unhappy family problems

my mother lives in NC but me and my polyamorous family live in Illinois I received treats form my mom today to take my 2 yrs. old son today because she does not agree with me and my husband having a girlfriend is there anything she can do or anything I can do to stop her
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Old 05-17-2013, 02:06 AM
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choctaw103 choctaw103 is offline
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Location: chicago, il
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I really don't understand what you are saying. Are you saying she is trying to gain custody? Because if that is the case, she has no chance, especially in illinois. You haven't abused the child and you haven't endangered said kid, so I wouldn't sweat it. Lifestyle choices do not equal loss of custody in Illinois.
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Old 05-17-2013, 04:28 AM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Location: CA
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You can stop communicating with her.

Check your state's law on grandparent's rights. There is no statute for grandparent's rights when the parents are both living and are together (married or living together) here in California. Your state may be different as far as visitation. If your child is happy and healthy and safe and your home is clean and safe there is nothing she can do to remove your child from your home and gain custody of him.
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Old 05-17-2013, 05:25 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Justice is directly proportionate to the depth of one's finances.

tl;dr If you have extra money sitting around, talk to a lawyer.
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Old 05-17-2013, 04:34 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you are going through this.

Some ideas you could consider doing... YMMV.

1) Check your own laws. You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness. If you do not have it already, create the things you need to provide for the child if you or dad get run over by a bus somehow. Have that stuff in order.

2) Know Mom would have to cross state lines AND that no judge wants to set a precedent for taking a healthy baby away from a healthy mother. It's in your favor unless she has more than "I don't like their sex life" evidence.

3) Document her threats and notorize it. (ex: print emails, save letters, get cel phone call logs, etc.) Put in safety deposit box.

4) Tell her to cease and desist harassment in a documentable way. You may not be at "lawyer level formal letter" -- certified mail might do depending on the "volume" of the threat. Document anyway. She keeps up, document AGAIN... maybe that time with a lawyer letter.

5) Cut off all contact. No sharing pictures, letters, visits with the kids or you. The less info she has to use against you as ammo the better. Disentangle self from your mom if you have entanglements beyond emotional. (ex: financial, shared property, etc.) Then she can't use those to control you either.

6) Do not put kid in a position where Grandma can swipe the kid. No babysitting!

7) If you mother gets over herself and you want to rebuild trust there, do it slowly. Before you do, if she's a controlling mom type, learn the tactics so you can recognize them if she swaps tactics and tries a new one on ya. (I'm guess sections 8 & 9 right now.)

8) If you recently came out to her, and you think she's doing "stages of grief" for the loss of knowing you as X and now having to deal with you as Y and taking her angry stage out on you -- know the stages of grief. And don't lift a finger. Let her sit with her grief. If she asks for APPROPRIATE help, that is one thing. INAPPROPRIATE moves like threatening to take your kid from you, that's for crap. Expect to be treated BETTER. Be cautious that "sob story, poor lil' ol me" is sometimes a control tactic.

9) Remember you don't have to accept every invitation to Crazy Town that comes to your door. You can RSVP "No thank you."

10) Remember to BREATHE. You can make your own adult decisions and deal with the adult consequences. If you need more support during a tumultuous time, get a counselor, see your minister, BOTH. Whatever it is you have to hand.

Get a general doc appt too. Esp if you are stressy and struggle with sleep -- see what can be done.

Get the kid an appt with their doc. Quietly have a word with the doc outside the kid's hearing that you want the kid checked for abuse. Because your mom is threatening you that you/spouse are abusing the kid and you are NOT. There. Doc appt on the record... should you ever need it to show that your kid is fine and to show that when things came up you do the responsible parent things to do.

11) TELL some other trusted relatives/friends what's going on. Then it is "old news" to them and you have them for character witnesses if ever needed. "Yep. Mom been harassing her for AGES on this and the kids are all fine. I've known this has been afoot since _____. " If the children are school age -- tell the principal/teacher, pref in writing with copies for you AND in person. And if for some reason your Mom is on their school papers as an "emergency pick up" person take it OFF. Put Mom as a "Do not release my kid to this person" instead. Ditto to whatever other teacher people they have -- sunday school, boy scouts, tennis, whatever.

Which is more documentation with/from OTHER people that it is your MOM causing you wacko. It's not just (she said - she said) stuff. Stick it in the safety deposit box.

Don't tell mom you do it either. Just... quietly build your ace in the hole and store it. It's not "fun" to talk about or deal with but silence only helps the one that is threatening. It doesn't help YOU.

So pick who your safeword people are and then sing like a canary to them! Hopefully mom's just acting out and needs time to digest this new reality and will get over herself and apologize.

But if it ever HAS to get to lawyers and a custody case, now you have a folder of tools your lawyer can try to WORK WITH rather than a big ol' empty folder of nothing.

Hope for the best, while preparing for the worst.

Your first loyalty now that you are a parent is to YOUR child. Not your own parent.

My 2 cents,

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-17-2013 at 07:27 PM.
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Old 05-17-2013, 04:59 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,280

In addition to all the fine advice from others, start looking for an attorney.

Can't afford one? There are some attorneys who will work for free ('pro bono') and others who will work for reduced fees. They are hard to find so start researching possiblities now, while you have time. Hopefully you will never have to use them. But know who you can talk to about representing you if the legal situation hits the fan.
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Old 05-20-2013, 05:17 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,598

Originally Posted by aldea View Post
is there anything she can do
There shouldn't be anything she can do since there is no demonstrable harm being done to the child. BUT never underestimate the stupidity of the Child Protective Services. There has never existed a more emotionally driven home wrecking organization filled with desperate, meddling, half-wits.

I'm curious (as Nancy alluded to) about why you remain in contact with this person. She has explicitly told you that intends to harm you and your family which is more than enough reason to never contact that person again. At the very least FOR THE LOVE OF GOD don't let you kid associate with any of them. Like GG said, sounds like she'll swipe that kid without a second thought.

Sorry you have to deal with this. I am constantly amazed at how disgusting people will allow themselves to get.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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