Wants 2 Be Equal in Polyfidel relationship

I hate to say it, but it sounds like he's been misleading you, making it sounds like they were more distant than they were. Not answering a direct question is a pretty bad sign. Perhaps he's also been misleading her about his relationship with you, in various ways. It also sounds to me like maybe SHE made the decision to leave HIM, which means he hasn't *chosen* to be with you at all, he just doesn't have the option to be with her in the same way anymore. I don't know either of you, and maybe I'm entirely wrong, but there are SO many red flags here. I'm afraid you may have walked back in to a very bad situation. :(
 
Thanks boring Guy. I do know how hard it is for him. I hear about it frequently and i don't usually ask any questions I provide support. It's just he convinced me he was leaving the marraige earlier because he didn't love her anymore and hasn't in a long time. Now he's in love again. My heart hurts for him it must be terrible to love 2 when u can't have them both like he wants it....remember she is not up for poly. Not sure what you mean by not having priorities straight. I have put him first for a very long time and have been incredibly patient i think. I have already suggested being open to others and he is the one saying he doubts that to happen again because of how complicated it is.

Well I'm glad you weren't offended by my post, but I was being sarcastic. That is what I meant by not having your priorities straight. I think he's totally playing you. I think he has you wrapped so tight that you'd walk off a cliff for him, if he led you to believe it would help him feel less "terrible".

By the way - when he shut down and "ran away to think" because you asked him if he was still having sex with his wife? That was his way of saying "yes I am still having sex with my wife". Find someone who is a grown-up, and let this man-child's wife have him.
 
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Played

Boring Guy I totally didnt get your sarcasm but now I do when I re-read. haha. Whew. And I made the same guess as you. I did tell him that I also need to do some thinking because this changes things. Thanks for your perspective.

Well I'm glad you weren't offended by my post, but I was being sarcastic. That is what I meant by not having your priorities straight. I think he's totally playing you. I think he has you wrapped so tight that you'd walk off a cliff for him, if he led you to believe it would help him feel less "terrible".

By the way - when he shut down and "ran away to think" because you asked him if he was still having sex with his wife? That was his way of saying "yes I am still having sex with my wife". Find someone who is a grown-up, and let this man-child's wife have him.
 
No small thing

Thanks Annabel.

Its really really hard to say if that is right. If I trust him I must believe what he tells me and what he tells me is that he loves and wants me more, but that its been very painfully extracting himself from a 30+ year marraige. She is moving out next week, and she was aware of his trip to see me last week.

He said he hated her this summer for losing me. Now that he has me back, he seems to be falling back for her indicating his general confusion and original desire of us both. My guess is that he still wants the original situation of both of us, and his desire is overtaking logic and reality. I believe him that he is moving towards being with me in his head, but that is heart is on some other kind of dimension that is playing out with brutal honesty.

Also he fantasized last week during intimacy about her being with us. That's no small thing I'm thinking.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like he's been misleading you, making it sounds like they were more distant than they were. Not answering a direct question is a pretty bad sign. Perhaps he's also been misleading her about his relationship with you, in various ways. It also sounds to me like maybe SHE made the decision to leave HIM, which means he hasn't *chosen* to be with you at all, he just doesn't have the option to be with her in the same way anymore. I don't know either of you, and maybe I'm entirely wrong, but there are SO many red flags here. I'm afraid you may have walked back in to a very bad situation. :(
 
Wow he's that old? I thought this sounded like someone in their 20's or 30's. There goes my ageist thinking again, LOL.
 
Hi,

I am confused about the logistics. Why aren't they living together? I can see her point, but I think you have a point too...What does a full partner mean to you?
Does in mean that you want to live with him?

Where I am confused, and I might be dense! is if SHE doesn't live with him, why does she mind if you want to? Is she worried about an emotional disconnect from him? Is she worried about coming to visit and having you there? Why does she "need to move" if you want to live with him? Do all three of you need to co-habitat?

I don't like the words primery and secondary, but for us, it's merely a time factor, my husband's GF gets less time because we live together and are raising a son. If I chose to live alone, I wouldn't mind who my husband lived with...

It is just emotional on the wife's part? The way I look at things in our experience is that I'm not primary because my husband loves me more or is emotionally attached. I feel like he is pretty equally attached to both of us.

Howver, if my husband lived in a different city (and 18 months is a long time) unless I was actively planning to move in with him, I don't see what right I would have to tell him who to live with...

Does that make any sense?
 
Accomodation

Hi Nondy.

She doesnt want to lose him but he made a choice. He had to choose one or the other because poly doesnt work for her in an equal triad. She just doesnt want it. I wanted it earlier this year and was very willing, but she admitted she was just accomodating him and doesnt want it at all. I could never go back to that scenario because now I know her true heart and know it would only be a temporary "accomodation" before the true heart speaks again.

He is leaving her for me is why they are not going to live together. I didnt insist or ask for anything. He and I dont yet live together because he is navigating through this seperation/divorce. I do want to live with him. Being a full partner means sharing our lives in full.

Hi,

I am confused about the logistics. Why aren't they living together?

I can see her point, but I think you have a point too...What does a full partner mean to you? Does in mean that you want to live with him?

Where I am confused, and I might be dense! is if SHE doesn't live with him, why does she mind if you want to? Is she worried about an emotional disconnect from him? Is she worried about coming to visit and having you there? Why does she "need to move" if you want to live with him? Do all three of you need to co-habitat?

I don't like the words primery and secondary, but for us, it's merely a time factor, my husband's GF gets less time because we live together and are raising a son. If I chose to live alone, I wouldn't mind who my husband lived with...

It is just emotional on the wife's part? The way I look at things in our experience is that I'm not primary because my husband loves me more or is emotionally attached. I feel like he is pretty equally attached to both of us.

Howver, if my husband lived in a different city (and 18 months is a long time) unless I was actively planning to move in with him, I don't see what right I would have to tell him who to live with...

Does that make any sense?
 
If I trust him I must believe what he tells me and what he tells me is that he loves and wants me more, but that its been very painfully extracting himself from a 30+ year marraige. She is moving out next week, and she was aware of his trip to see me last week.

My father used to say that people's feet tell the truth way better than their words. (well, what he actually said was: You gotta look at their feet, kid.) Doesn't matter what the words are, especially if the words and actions conflict. His feet are telling you the truth.
 
Yes....57 years old. Does that change your POV?

It makes it even more so. He isn't likely to change, given his recent examples of juvenile behaviour.
 
Wha??? I must have stumbled on the wrong list-serv..

Boring, didn't you attack me a few months ago for questioning the maturity of someone who chose to have their only commitment in life be employment? Followed by a number of others and a discussion that it's OK to call disabled people unhealthy and OK to use retard or lame... Whatever!

WTBE,

You sound like a wonderful person. I truly hope this works out the way you want and it seems it is! I , from what I have read, don't see our guy as playing games or immature. The way I view it is: People get married for all sorts of reason and I think this reason is RARLEy sex or passion and those marriages rarely work out...anyway, when married and knowing each others families, money, property and kids (and mostly attachment) it becomes difficult to unravel. I am soaking for myself, but I think it's probably true for your guy. I think once we are attached to someone even if we want something else, it becomes so hard to change.

I am thinking of my own marriage. I think I could maybe be in a happier marriage and there are certainly people I'm hotter for, but to end something that's been going on for 15 years and creating stability and kids and all that would be very hard...and the primary point is WOULD I be happier? That's the issue - ?

I would also say five years seems like a long time and it is. But what's the hurry? I think that in any live-in situation foks end up hating each other of dishes and child care. That's a place I wish I hadn't rushed to get to!!!
 
What r u suggesting?

Thanks Nondy

Hard to filter with such different points of view here.

Sounds like you are suggesting that I could consider that even if he always stayed Married and loving her that we could still work?

I didn't consider that because she is opposed to a triad with us as equals and even if she wasn't she has already shown her true heart about it. I Don't know how to get around that.

I have the additional issue of moving to be nearer to him thus leaving my country, my friends, and family. I am very willing to do this but am so afraid of moments like this where we have a blow up over his confused feelings and he literally stops talking to me. It feels like weve broken up. He still has not contacted me since I told him things are changed if he is still is love w her . He hasnt attempted to engage me in conversation about "what do I see changed". He goes to "caves" to think when heavy emotional stuff comes down and I am left reeling without him or any sense of him given he is so far away.

Again this is tortuous because its so rare I see him in person and he was just here. 5 days ago and we got so very close. I truly love him but reconciled with him because he said he didn't love her anymore and that impossible complication was diminishing. Now I learn it has not. It sounds like she is still moving out but he cannot help now he feels. I have no idea what to do next unless I just let him go. If a man loves his wife of 33 years and also considers her his best friend how can I possibly make it with him when she is only accomadating at best even if she were to become open again .



Wha??? I must have stumbled on the wrong list-serv..

Boring, didn't you attack me a few months ago for questioning the maturity of someone who chose to have their only commitment in life be employment? Followed by a number of others and a discussion that it's OK to call disabled people unhealthy and OK to use retard or lame... Whatever!

WTBE,

You sound like a wonderful person. I truly hope this works out the way you want and it seems it is! I , from what I have read, don't see our guy as playing games or immature. The way I view it is: People get married for all sorts of reason and I think this reason is RARLEy sex or passion and those marriages rarely work out...anyway, when married and knowing each others families, money, property and kids (and mostly attachment) it becomes difficult to unravel. I am soaking for myself, but I think it's probably true for your guy. I think once we are attached to someone even if we want something else, it becomes so hard to change.

I am thinking of my own marriage. I think I could maybe be in a happier marriage and there are certainly people I'm hotter for, but to end something that's been going on for 15 years and creating stability and kids and all that would be very hard...and the primary point is WOULD I be happier? That's the issue - ?

I would also say five years seems like a long time and it is. But what's the hurry? I think that in any live-in situation foks end up hating each other of dishes and child care. That's a place I wish I hadn't rushed to get to!!!
 
Wha??? I must have stumbled on the wrong list-serv..

Boring, didn't you attack me a few months ago for questioning the maturity of someone who chose to have their only commitment in life be employment? Followed by a number of others and a discussion that it's OK to call disabled people unhealthy and OK to use retard or lame... Whatever!

That would be inaccurate, incorrect, and off-topic. I am not interested in resurrecting that thread here.

To the OP: I am judging your boyfriend's (key word: BOY) character by his actions, not by his age. The information about his age simply leads me to believe that he is not likely to change if he's doing this type of juvenile behaviour after being alive for nearly six decades. It does not make him less worthy of basic human respect, but if you want to put up with his emotional and communicative flakiness? That's your problem.
 
I think 6 decades would be inaccurate, incorrect. More like 4 and change.

That depends on how you define "decade". I define "decade" as "10 years". OP said he was 57. According to my math, that's nearly 6 decades. I guess math can mean anything anyone wants it to mean, just like "poly". After all, numbers are fluid, just like language. :rolleyes: Right?
 
I Got how you did your math :D Nearly might be considered what.

I also gave him credit for some of the early years 0- 18 :rolleyes:
 
Love this way is so complex

I think I'm just ready to admit that love arrived at this way is just so complicated and we cannot simplify anything here, including how to count a decade. I ask myself how and why do I keep going with such ever expanding complexities of the heart- is it really providing growth for me, or is it ripping me apart so much I can't remember who I am and what I want and how to stay true to it.

I'm trying hard not to feel like a home wrecker, assuring myself of the differences between pursuing a married man and having been part of a triad I was invited into that fell apart, and that he chose me even if he still ended up in love with us both.

I"m trying hard to imagine a day where there is consistent harmony (at least more than 2 weeks in a row god please) and my heart doesn't feel ripped to shreds.

I'm miserable that he still has made no contact so we could talk about what this means for us, it feels as painful as if we'd broken up - maybe we have...we have come so damn far for this old forlorn dark tearing to still be part of a day, or for it to continue to have such a place in the journey..... but I'll try really really hard to focus on giving him his space and time to figure things out for himself. In the meantime, I do know that know he truly loves me, (I choose to think that I have not been played) and I'll keep that with me always ...with or without hopes for the future.
 
You know, people should put themselves first, then they should put the people they love second. If somebody who said they'd be putting me second failed to contact me during a time like this, I think I would consider that to be too selfish and self centered - 30 seconds for a text you know? Sorry to be negative but I also would have to agree that he doesn't seem to have what it takes to be a good, honest, upfront partner. If he does end up without his wife and with you, and starts dating again (ya sure, its complicated so he wouldn't do it again - I wouldn't count on that though), those same issues are going to manifest themselves again in all the same ways if he hasn't done something to grow past them such as therapy.

I am sure people have mentioned this before, but full triad would mean you are dating her too, I've been confused in your posts since if you had been involved with her I have forgotten you mentioning that. What he wanted (I assume) is a V where both of you get along like gangbusters and dont cause him any stress. I only mention this because advice can be more useful if things are described accurately.

You say that if you lived together you'd be a full partner and "Being a full partner means sharing our lives in full." I want you to really think - if he isn't sharing with you in full now - ie he's still having sex with his wife and upset if you have the nerve to ask him - he's going afk for days, weeks or months at his whim without really caring how it's affecting you, and it's unlikely that it will magically change if you do move in together. Going incommunicado for months - how do you convince yourself that is part of love? 8 months ago you were talking about dating, I hope that you have been open to dating and going out with people.

I'd surely not think about moving to be with him until 6 or so months had gone by with him not living with her and you could see how his actions were going to be when he didn't have her to blame his behavior on.
 
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