Just not into husband's girlfriend

I think the two of them would like me to be into her, but I'm just not.

I entered this arrangement honestly, thinking, given that they had a long-term friendship with romantic overtones, there was a solid chance we would have a great three person relationship. After getting over the initial insecurities (this is our first non-monogamous attempt) and a bit of grieving of expectations, I've eased into this. It makes me happy that he loves someone else, and I don't doubt his devotion to me and our family (14 years together, 9 married, two kids, great careers, stable and healthy home life). And after spending many nights laughing and generally enjoying each other's company, I came to the conclusion that I am just not attracted to her. She is physically beautiful and very sweet, but I don't find her interesting at all (which is a must for me, romantically, sexually).

I think my conclusion bums out my husband. He's disappointed. I think he had some sort of kumbaya fantasies about how this would work out. But I can't force feelings.

She is kind of part of our family now (no, the kids have no idea that she is anything other than an aunt of sorts), so there is no drawing of strict lines. But I quite simply don't want to have sex with the two of them. They are welcome to each other alone (I still struggle with this but not much) and obviously husband and I have no intention of changing our arrangement. I like hearing about what they do, but I don't want a three-way relationship where none exists (at least to me).

What can I do to make them comfortable? I'd ask "is this normal?" but that's a dumb question. I guess what I want to know is if any of you with more experience can tell me what to keep my eyes open for, how to be careful of their feelings while respecting my own wants.
 
Greetings counterclockwise
I don't know what feelings that are worried about? It sounds to me like you have given them as much latitude to pursue their relationship as they need. Is it that you don't want to have a sexual relationship with them that bums your husband out? Your family sounds like it is built on a solid foundation and that each of you communicate well with each other.
If a sexual relationship (i must clarify that i dont assume that either of you desire a purely sexual relationship with another that does not involve deeper feelings and connection) with you and another is what you and you husband desire then why do you not pursue the person that meets your needs as well as his?
 
I guess I mean that I'm going to have to let them know I'm not game for sex with the two of them. I've already told my husband. He was disappointed and kind of sad, but glad I was honest so we all know where we stand.

You bring up another good point - I am not interested in her emotionally either (nothing beyond being respectful and polite). Their relationship has been professional for many years and emotional for most of them, romantic once a couple of years ago when he and I were on very rough terrain, and now we've decided as three adults to allow them to indulge that emotional and physical connection openly.

I was invited into their relationship. I just don't feel connected to her, though I did give it a really good shot. I guess part of me is disappointed, too, that our first poly relationship attempt resulted in me not feeling connected - but I certainly don't blame the two of them. It's just not there.

Husband is worried that it will be awkward now. Maybe I just say that we can get together during weekend days for fun with our kids (they adore her) but sexual sessions will need to be confined to her house.
 
It sounds to me like this "first attempt at a poly relationship " was fostered from an episode of your husband cheating on you a while back ..?? That's not exactly the best approach to starting on this path I so- no wonder you aren't exactly feeling any deepe connection. What do YOU want? Poly relationships are not strictly a guy and two women.. Ask yourself if he would be OK if the roles were reversed. Not to say that this arrangement won't work out- if you are both genuinely committed expanding your relationship and you desire/ need a connection in order to proceed then get out and find the person that is right for you.
She and your husband have thier relationship, you and your husband have yours, you and (someone?) have another relationship, maybe there is a another connection there that I don't see.
The point is that you have to decide what you want and need. Once you are comfortable with that and you and your husband have discussed this , then go and get it.
It really doesn't sound to me like you need to be worried at all about your husbands feelings or this other woman's - I sounds like they are quite comfortable as is.
 
I suppose that is a shaky start. But it seems to be working. I'm new! I suppose I joined this forum so I can gauge where I am, where we are, what's solid and what's not.

At this point, I feel fine. I feel stable. I have no other person in my life right now but the door is open. I want to have a full and rich life. I want to have the freedom for both of us to have intimate relationships with other people, but only as they naturally come along. I'm not going people-shopping.
 
To clarify: he didn't cheat on me. We filed for divorce in 2009. We got back together three months later and have been great ever since (that was a rough year - I'd just finished law school, bar exam, and my father died; I think I was a mess all around and my vice is anger). They dated while we were apart. I saw people during that time as well (none of whom I'm interested in now).
 
Ah- I understand. Good for you that you were able to work things out. It sounds like you are a very stable individual and it sounds like your husband and yourself have communicated your feelings to each other
I should clarify that when I say to and get it I don't mean to insinuate that you should go people shopping - more that you should take care of you.
I'm happy for your relationship that you are each mature enough to proceed with your decisions to be open to new ideas - that's not particularly easy given society's norms.
The situation that you have now is perfectly acceptable as long as it is acceptable with you. If its not then it simply must change.
If there is a trust issue between you and her that is probably something that should be brought to the table- sooner rather than later. She sounds like friend of yours as well.
 
You don't need a"good reason" to not be sexually attracted to someone. Just because you're bisexual doesn't mean you want to have sex with anyone who is available. Tell your husband "no" means "no" and for him to quit pressuring you. I'm assuming he's pressuring you because you said you told him you're not interested in fucking her, yet here you are on this forum asking strangers if it's ok for you to not want that. Sheesh. His dick needs to stfu because that's what's doing the thinking and talking for him.
 
You have a reason. You are not attracted to her. Your husband needs to suck it up and let go of this kumbaya, rainbow coloured pixie dust fantasy. If I were you, I would sit her down and tell her that while you respect her as a person and whatever, you want to end the intimate side of things and just be friends and cordial. She can transition from your girlfriend/romantic interest to your metamour and call it a day. Her feelings may be hurt, but she will bounce back. You just wish not to be involved in the sexual aspect, and that is your right. It is your body. Your husband does not have the right to get mad about what you want to do with your body.

You said they dated while you and your husband were apart. Did they ever stop dating, or did it just continue while you and your husband worked out your issues? The foundation and introduction to poly make all the difference in the world.

Just know that your feelings are valid, and you have the right to say no.


-Ry
 
I almost got my G&T on the computer screen too!

I am in a poly relationship that has always been a poly relationship, my soon-to-be-wife was with her BF already when we had our first date and he knew of our date...

Anyhow, me and her BF are on good terms even though there is nothing romantic/sexual between us, and honestly I believe he has never really even thought there would be. But I admit that he is rare kind of straight guy, he actually closes the bedroom door if it we have forgotten to do so if we are having sex ... Not his thing as he puts it.
 
I may as well level. They stopped dating. She was heartbroken but their friendship repaired over time. So for the last 3-4 years they have interacted professionally and maintained some sort of friendship. I resented her for a log time because they denied that they cared for each other beyond professional interactions and "friendship" and then they immediately jumped in when we filed for divorce. But to credit her fairly, the two of them have been hands off the three or so years since. Only recently, when he and I decided to open up our marriage did the possibility of igniting something again come up. She is successful, kind, has a full life, and seemed a good fit. It just didn't pan out as expected.

I talked to husband after reading some of your responses. He says he respects my position. So I will have a convo with her as suggested above.

I appreciate you guys!
 
I concur with the other posters but want to say, besides your h's 3some fantasy, his OSO might have her feelings/pride hurt, especially if she IS attracted to you... So you need to be sensitive to that

It's good she still gets to see and fuck him. When my ex-h and I first opened our marriage, he had the 3way kumbaya, 2 wives fantasy. We had the other issue, I was attracted to our unicorn but she wasn't attracted to me! And I was the bi one who wanted more. I got nothing (except a h with heavy duty NRE) and she got a bf. I got no gf!

(Things are better now, no worries. :p )
 
Yeah it does seem a little 'Boohoo my threesome fantasy won't come true...' pity fest.

Tough, I want an orgy with the whole cast of Law and Order SVU...I don't think I am in luck though. We don't always get what we want in life.

Counter, I think you are really cool and balanced, you are working through your feelings and being rational. Kudos! Don't doubt yourself, wait for 'your' connection, there is no obligation for all love to be shared ALL the time. To be honest it is rather refreshing to read this!!

Natja
:)
 
Thanks, Natja! What a huge compliment.

I'm sure we will figure this out.

I appreciate the guidance here. (Doesn't it always feel weird to talk about a forum or any "place" online as a geographical location? Speaks to a lack of sufficient vocabulary. I always feel like a jerk when I say something like "here." I mean, really.)
 
BoringGuy, you just made me spit my drink out. Hahahaa! Awesome and at least partly true.

I knew I joined this forum for a reason.



You're welcome; at least i am relieved that your sense of humor appears to exist. I made some assumptions that were based on things you did not say, which could have been incorrect. Since the tone of your reply does not seem offended, i infer that my assumptions turned out to be not entirely incorrect.

tl;dr Sometimes i make new friends, sometimes i make new enemies.
 
I would think it more unusual if you all were into each other, actually. That rarely happens, and I am definitely glad to hear you are not one of those wives who goes along with it and has sex with someone they don't really want to have sex with, just to please some unrealistic fantasy of their husband's. Some husbands only want their wives involved to assuage the guilt they have over being sexual with someone outside of their marriage - they think that if wifey is there, then at least she is sanctioning it and it must mean that he's not cheating. Nonsensical, really.

Tell hubby to stop pouting and get over it. For goodness sakes, he's in a happy marriage with a wife who's cool about him having a girlfriend, and he's got a girlfriend with whom he's compatible and has hit it off -- and who meshes with your family -- he should be counting his blessings, not being bummed out about anything!! Does he realize how lucky he is? Wives are not required to, nor should be expected to, have sex with girlfriends of their husbands. If you don't dig her that way, you don't dig her. No big deal. Time for him to have a reality check, methinks.

Both of you will probably be happier if you each seek out your own independent relationships. And if any threesomes happen someday down the road, it should be because they just evolve that way and it all falls into place, not because it "should" be that way or it is expected to happen. FMF threesomes are not necessary to practice polyamory!
 
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Hubs isn't that one dimensional. Sure, sex is part of it; I'd be an idiot if I didn't acknowledge that. I think he also was looking forward to merging these two parts of his life. I guess we didn't merge to the degree he'd have liked. He even said once that he thought she would fall in love with me, which I thought was ambitious.

We're clear now. I think I'll have a vodka tonic to celebrate.
 
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