Dilemma in first poly relationship

friendly

New member
Hi
I'm 22, and I've been in a relationship with a girl at my school since early March. We've been living in her room since mid-March, so about 2 months living together.

She ended a 3 year relationship in December, and she had sex with like 15 people in January... She's afraid of any mutual dependence on other people after her LTR.

She stopped doing anything sexual with other people once we'd been together 3 weeks, in mid-March. Her having sex with others came up as a topic in the past: I said it made me uncomfortable. It led to tension, and I decided it wouldn't be so bad, as long as I was loved by her. And I've grown really close to her. I'm a hugely positive presence in her life, and I love her so much. I love her so much that the thought of her having sex with other people doesn't bother me much anymore.

That said, my GF's closest friend, who she's been close to for years (also female) wronged me a few weeks ago. This friend of my GF also lives in the same dorm as us. She created tension over a possibly-barely-offensive hypothetical sexual proposition I sent her as a chat message. But in response, she was passive aggressive, refused to acknowledge my response, gave me the silent treatment, 2 weeks later, we finally talked about it. She apologized for blowing things up, refusing to acknowlwdge my apology, etc.

My girlfriend is close to this friend, and has wanted to have sex with her again (as they had in the past) since January... But her friend is warming up to the idea again recently.

My girlfriend hasn't had sex with others for 2 whole months. I love her more than anyone I've ever been in a relationship with.

I'm just not comfortable with the idea of her having sex with her friend who hurt me. That said, I worry about whether it might be worse to tell her "I don't want you to have sex with one of your closest friends". Commitment to me scares her, and she might resent me for trying to prevent this experience.

This friend has also been a destructive influence on my girlfriend, who's in a delicate mental state.

I plan to talk to my girlfriend, who I love very much, about it, but I wanted advice about how to handle this situation. I'm afraid if I say it makes me uncomfortable, the "forbidden fruit tastes sweetest" principle may be destructive to our relationship. But in my gut, I don't want my gf to take on std risk, to have sex with someone who hurt me.

Thanks...
 
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If your girlfriend has a delicate mental state, her priority and your priority (if you care about her) should be trying to decrease her fragility.

As for the friend issue, sending your girlfriend's friend sexual propositions of any variety is dicey. Even some poly people have a "no friends" rule. It doesn't matter what you said or how she handled it, you should apologise unreservedly. How would you feel about her saying to your girlfriend that you're a creep and she doesn't want her bestie with you?

Also, std transmission between females is hella low. Out of the three of you, you're the biggest Std risk to them.
 
She created tension over a possibly-barely-offensive hypothetical sexual proposition I sent her as a chat message. But in response, she was passive aggressive, refused to acknowledge my response, gave me the silent treatment, 2 weeks later, we finally talked about it. She apologized for blowing things up, refusing to acknowlwdge my apology, etc.

Exactly what did you say to the roomie? Is your GF aware this went down?

I could be wrong, but to me it seems like

  • GF shares sex with her friend in January.
  • GF stops having sex with so many other people in a short time. Dials it down some, you get used to that.
  • You hit on the friend, she declines.
  • GF starts wanting to share sex with the friend again.
  • Friend thinking about it.
  • Could you now be jealous your GF might have sex share with someone YOU wanted sex share with?
  • Could you now be worried about the friend spilling the beans to the GF?
  • You now express concern about the friend being a bad influence over your GF's delicate mental state.

Had the friend accepted your sex proposition, how would YOU sharing sex with (the bad influence friend) person HELP your GF's mental state any? :confused: You are not able to pick better people than that for sex share?

I love her so much that the thought of her having sex with other people doesn't bother me much anymore.

If that is so, you could trust that your GF is having sex share with other people while practicing safer sex in ways you feel ok with. You guys are exchanging labs, using protection, etc. Protecting your physical health. Talk about these things so you can grow trust in this area. She's not obligated to commit to just you -- she's free to be non-exclusive if she wants. In old fashioned terms, she hasn't agreed to "go steady" with you. You guys have been dating for some weeks and she's just gotten out of a 3 year thing!

There's always some "messy people." Your GF sharing sex with her friend/dorm mate to me is messy because if it goes poorly they are stuck sharing a dorm. Hella awkward to keep running into each other depending on the size of the dorm. YOU sharing sex with her friend/dorm mate to me is messy because if it goes wrong, the friend or your GF could blow up over it, and again -- risking your own home life and their home life at college dorm and then struggling to transfer to another building to restore some calm. Sometimes that can happen fast, sometimes the campus Housing Office cannot accommodate that quickly. College can be challenging enough without dreading to come home to your dorm.

College can be a fun experimenty time sex-wise, but it's not just about maintaining your physical health -- but your EMOTIONAL health too. You wouldn't date your GF's mother, right? To me that would be so obviously on the "messy people list." I'd put roomies/close dorm mates on there too.

If you do not trust that your GF is choosing safe sex partners, you could talk her her about your concerns. But maybe part of that talk can be defining and articulating who the "messy people" are. You wouldn't want her dating or sharing sex with your father, you brother, your boss, etc. This relationship is very new still -- less than 3 mos. You could both talk about what "physically safe enough" and "emotionally safe enough" means to each of you as you keep getting to know each other better.

Galagirl
 
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Hello friendly,

I see there's been some drama and upset in your dealings with your girlfriend's closest friend, but the only real problem I could detect is when you said, "This friend has also been a destructive influence on my girlfriend, who's in a delicate mental state." And I was hoping you could give me some examples of how this friend's influence has been destructive. Can you describe some specific incidents?

The idea of your girlfriend and her friend having sex bothers you because her friend wronged you a few weeks ago. But from your original post, it sounds like the friend patched things up with you, didn't she? "She apologized for blowing things up, refusing to acknowledge my apology, etc."

So that should be a non-issue.

Re: STD risk ... does your girlfriend's friend pose a particularly high risk? Would this friend and your girlfriend practice safe sex? Do they get regular testing?

I'd like to advise you on how to approach your girlfriend about this subject, but first I need to know some of those things I was asking about -- especially the issue of this friend's destructive influence on your girlfriend. If you could elaborate more on that subject, it might help me get in a better position to give you some good advice.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Okay, this might come across sounding a little harsh, but I want to see how accurate the following statement is coming from an outside observer:

Problem: You used a text message as a trial balloon to see if your girlfriend's best friend would be open to the idea of screwing around with you. She shot you down. Now you are butthurt over this and are using it as a reason to cause your own drama where none would otherwise exist.

You mention repeatedly that you were "wronged". I don't see the wrong, all I see is that you were rebuffed. Maybe it wasn't in the most diplomatic way possible, but it doesn't appear to be much more than that. You also made it a point of mentioning how much you love your girlfriend of a whopping three months. I have a container of Cool Whip in my freezer that predates your relationship.

That's not to belittle what you feel, or downplay your relationship. IT IS meant to make you put it in perspective. You need to take a few steps back and look at the big picture. You have been in a very short term relationship with someone that already has anxiety issues about being in one. You starting to lose your shit over choices she makes isn't going to reduce this anxiety, it's going to intensify it. Be absolutely sure this is the hill you are willing to die on before you pick it to make your stand. I totally understand you are feeling this whole convoluted stew of emotions over what's going on right now, but no matter how hard you try, interfering in a situation where your girlfriend doesn't want your interference isn't going to give you what you want. In fact, it will likely be the opposite.

Just something to consider.
 
Hi friendly,

That said, my GF's closest friend, who she's been close to for years (also female) wronged me a few weeks ago.
While people do behave badly towards us at times, it's important to remember that most situations between two people involve two perspectives and two people who could have behaved differently in one way or another. It is far better, and easier on your heart, to practice forgiveness than to blame others for 'wronging' you.

She created tension over a possibly-barely-offensive hypothetical sexual proposition I sent her as a chat message.
Just because something is barely offensive to you, doesn't mean it's barely offensive to her. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. She used to have sex with your now-girlfriend. They have a history. They have memories and experiences together that existed before you came along. They are also close friends. Now this new person (you) wants to wedge herself into that history and that dynamic? That might be offensive to her. She didn't create the tension, she had a reaction and a feeling in response to your proposition.

But in response, she was passive aggressive, refused to acknowledge my response, gave me the silent treatment, 2 weeks later, we finally talked about it.
Perhaps she was cold, bitchy and passive aggressive. Perhaps she's envious of your relationship and felt insulted. It's also possible that she didn't want conflict with you, hence the passive aggressiveness. It's possible that she felt awkward, insulted and violated and didn't know how to deal with it. If she did behave badly, she apologised.

I'm just not comfortable with the idea of her having sex with her friend who hurt me.
I do very much understand this and have been there multiple times myself. In terms of your position: When I have a problem with my GF's partners, I try to sort it out with them directly. My GF isn't my Mommy and doesn't need to be my warrior, you know what I mean? If it gets really bad, I will eventually decide to stay away from that person so as not to complicate my girlfriend's relationship with that person. Basically, I feel that asking partners to take our side is like punishing them for our blunders with that person, or our simple lack of compatibility with that person.

From your GF's side: I've been in this position multiple times. For one reason or another - sometimes their fault, sometimes both, sometimes my GF's fault - I've been stuck between my GF and my other partner/s. I've faced situations where I've had to end relationships because the friction between my GF and my other partner/s has been too bad. Let me tell you, if it sucks not to have your partner fight your battles, it sucks even more to give up something you enjoy because your partners can't play nice.

There has been at least one occasion in which I've ended a relationship because I could see that partner of mine was antagonising my GF. However, I had to see this for myself and it had to be my decision. Sticking up for a person you love is different to sacrifice.

That said, I worry about whether it might be worse to tell her "I don't want you to have sex with one of your closest friends".
It is worse and it isn't really fair, as much as it might upset you.

Commitment to me scares her, and she might resent me for trying to prevent this experience.
In my experience, ultimately, she probably will. Ending relationships 'for' each other nearly killed the relationship between my GF and I, because we were carrying around tons of unspoken resentment.

This friend has also been a destructive influence on my girlfriend, who's in a delicate mental state.
All you can do here is once, and only once, express your concern to your girlfriend about the health of her friendship. After that, it is down to your girlfriend to decide who she wants in her life.

I'm afraid if I say it makes me uncomfortable,
It is ok to be uncomfortable and it is understandable.

When I feel uncomfortable, I ask myself what kind of person I want to be. Do I want to be a person that runs from my discomfort and fears, or a person who becomes stronger through dealing with my own discomfort without asking things of others?

But in my gut, I don't want my gf to take on std risk, to have sex with someone who hurt me.
The STD risk is a valid concern, but is there a reason you are concerned specifically? Do you need to talk about STD testing and safety?

As for the second part, while you might not want her to sleep with someone who you've had difficulty with, asking her not to do it is asking her to fight a battle that you may have created by propositioning her.
 
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