Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Well, M and I played trivia last night with C2 and his friend, plus the new girl I really liked talking to the other day. We did great but lost in the final round and ended up third. M didn't like the two guys at all and felt as if all of his answers were being discounted, even though they ended up being correct. He also thought that the girl was really nice, but that the guys shut her down as well. I can't say that isn't the case.

C2 was really quiet and didn't say much, and neither did his friend. It was odd. M said it was as if neither had any personalities. I figure maybe they just don't do well meeting new people.

However, I think I dodged a major douchebag tonight. When the girl arrived - let's call her A - she was really friendly and talkative. I asked her if she had ever dated C2, and she told me no, after pausing for a second. After the game was over though, and the guys had gotten up to leave, she leaned over and told me that he was a FWB, or had been. She started to dish out some more, but then the other guy came back, so M immediately suggested we go to the bathroom, which we did.

A told me that she had asked C2 out back in May/June, they had gone out on a couple dates, slept together a couple of times, and then he messaged her online and said he didn't think they would work out long term. That they had fallen into bed too fast and that he wanted to protect her reputation. So, they shouldn't date in public anymore. And he didn't want their teammate to know. She said she thought this was very hurtful, but agreed, because what else could she do?

She said he continued to message her whenever he wanted a hookup, but would never acknowledge their relationship anyplace else. She said she eventually stopped sleeping with him a month or so ago.

Ick.

I told her everything that was said on IM between us, and how he had told me he had been single for a year. She teared up at that. Ugh. I told her she deserved WAY better than someone who would treat her so dismissively.

So, yeah. No jerkasaurus for me.

A messaged me tonight to say she told C2 that I now knew about them, so he wouldn't put his foot in his mouth. I just responded that she deserved someone that didn't think she was disposable, and that she wasn't disposable. I don't care, really, to get involved in their drama, so no more trivia time with them. There are others in the book club I joined, so ?I will probably stay involved with that, but yikes!

Talked with M last night and had discussion about scheduling. I don't know what is going to happen with us. Neither of us want to break up, but things are just looking impossible time-wise. I have plenty of spaces in my schedule, but they don't gel with his. He is going to talk to his wife and we are going to try and work it out. He does have plans to come see me next week while my husband is gone, but nothing definitive. He doesn't think he can stay over except for our regular Wednesday night, and that has me really down. I understand why, but next week is going to be awful for me. I really don't want to sleep alone.
 
Whenever I am with M, I have such a firm resolution that we are meant to be together. He says this scheduling stuff will get worked out eventually, and I know he really wants to make it happen. He did say he doesn't see things straightening out until after the holidays. I feel good, like he is being honest with the limitations we are both operating under, though we are both anxious about making it work. He has now said that he understands if I want to find a third, but emotionally, I am not sure if he would really be all that fine with it. He seemed VERY relieved that C2 was a jerkasaurus.

Things would be so much easier if he lived closer. He is just close enough that it stretches both of our resources to see each other.

Next week will be a struggle.
 
Today M and I are at a WarMachine Steamroller Tournament. There are an odd number of people, and the computer has chosen me to sit out the second round. I suppose I can't complain because otherwise I wouldn't have any points - I lost the first round. Oh well.

My husband got a call last night and his boss will be staying 2 weeks in CA now. The odds are good that he will be asked to stay a second week as well, but so far he hasn't. I am going to just cry. M told me today he can see me Wednesday and Thursday morning this week. Really? Fucking really? That is the same as every other week! I feel so abandoned and a little angry, too. Yes, hurt. I feel like I am not important, not at all. He says this isn't the case, and he has other things going on, his wife won't let him spend the night, etc.

So, yeah.

C is here and he is flirting again. Enough with the mixed signals dude! He told
Me I could come over and he'd take care of me this week - I would just have to come over! Ha! Wish it was that easy. Wish he wasn't joking. Wish my libido was just fucking normal. Wish I wasn't so destroyed by being alone and feeling alone.

I was introduced to a cute, fun guy today actually. M has been telling me about how awesome this dude is since we started dating. His name is C, so I will call him C3, lol. He has a wiener dog. Win! He is one of those people everyone instantly likes, and I was instantly attracted to him. Bonus that M knows, likes and already approves of him. They aren't close friends, just acquaintances. Still, LDR. Not lookin for that. Sucks.
 
On the drive home from the tournament, M messaged C3. He said something like, are you open to polyamory? Bluebird is interested in you, but has fear of rejection. Honestly, I wanted to strangle him! We had been talking about C3, and yeah, I said I was hesitant because I wasn't sure if C3 would be pro-poly or not. Fuck dude!

Anyway, C3 responded that he wasn't poly but would be into me if I were single and that he thought I was awesome, etc. So I told M he was a dork for sending the message, and that I would respond myself later. So I did - because in my mind, the message that M sent was really vague, and I had a feeling it would be interpreted as if M was asking him to swing with us.

So, I messaged him myself (he had added me as a Facebook friend during the tournament) and explained that I wanted to clarify what M had said and then I explained how I was interested in polyfi, etc. we had a good dialogue and he does want to go out sometime. Crazy M being vague!

This still sucks though, because I just dropped my husband off at BWI airport and now I am up in C3's neck of the woods. If he wants to get together today, I kinda need to know before I drive back home an hour and 20 minutes. Ugh. I am chilling at a Starbucks, waiting to see what our plans are. Ugh. I so do not really want an even longer distance relationship! However, he might be able to see me more - I am driving up once a weekish to the game store, and if he were willin to drive my way once a week, that would fill my dance card. I guess only time will tell.

It is really funny because ever since I have been hanging out at the game store, I have heard C3 mentioned - by many people. All of it was positive, and all of it was "you've got to meet him, he's great - he's the nicest guy here!" M has always championed him, but C has as well. Anyway, that was certainly my first impression of him yesterday. I liked him instantly. Not like NRE, but wow, I could really get into hanging out with this guy. I think it would be super easy to fall into those NRE feelings with him too.

But should I? I guess that will rely on him and how our conversations go.

Holy hell I am tired - got home at midnight last night, slept til 2:30, up til 3:30, slept til 4:45 and then got ready to go to the airport. I got me a skinny chai latte at Starbuvks and now I am just waiting for it to do some magic.
 
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Good luck with seeing M more, and dealing with your h being gone. I hope C3 works out too!

Dating is exhausting! It can take a while to find just the right people who ring your bell and are available enough to fulfill your needs! God knows I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found Ginger. (You can read my blog to see just how many jerks, a-holes and all around lame dudes I went through.)
 
You are right! It is exhausting. The right guys should just be here! What the hell? Lol Hopefully things get sorted out. M is being more forthcoming and I think, more realistic, about how much time he can actually spend with me. He told me yesterday at lunch that he feels inadequate because he isn't meeting my needs as a second. He definitely has that right! I think he was hesitant and a little afraid to think of me with a third at first, but after meeting C2 and seeing how that crashed and burned, he was very proactive and upbeat about C3. It shocked me how he was willing to send a message to try and get us together! I was like, what?! It's all good though.

Dating sure is an adventure! I just trying to get my happy on an even keel.
 
Well, after waiting around a little bit, C3 disappeared online, so I drove back and had lunch near where M lives. (It is about an hour and 40 minutes to the game store & airport from my house, and M lives halfway between them.) I messaged M, and he joined me for eats.

We had an emotional conversation - he was really anxious. His wife's long term sorta girlfriend - I don't even know what to call her because it is complicated - came up with a document that showed that he spent more hours with me last week than with his wife. So his wife is upset now. I was just like, seriously? If she is happy with their time together, than why is this an issue? The time we spent at the game store was included, which is crazy, because more than 3/4 of the time, we weren't even together - it was a tournament and we didn't even play each other. And she counted the sleeping with me date night, but not all the nights they slept together. Whatever. I don't think this should be tit for tat or 50/50 or 90/10. Shit, I don't even know what percentage would be fair? I think M just needs to balance his schedule with what our needs are at any given time. I had my regular date day & night, and then yesterday was the tournament. That isn't excessive in my opinion, but since H works during the daytime and they choose to do their own thing in the evenings, I am supposed to have time taken away? It isn't like the time taken away, other than my one overnight a week, could be added to her! She is working! And he would have gone to the tournament without me!

M said that the H's girlfriend was trying to be helpful, but I don't see how that helped anything.

Anyway, other than the anxiousness, lunch ended well. C3 messaged me and asked me to come over to the game store - which I had just driven an hour away from. I wanted to see him though, so I did. C was there, and he was flirty and huggy as always. He made a cryptic comment to me, seemingly about me, about always screwing things up with relationships, and then left to go to the movies with his girlfriend. What? That made me think maybe they had been talking about me, but maybe not.

Anyway, I hung out and watched C3 play a round of WarMachine (Hordes). He was crazy shaky and seemed really nervous, but he talked to me about my husband, saying he had Facebook stalked me a bit. Then we went outside with his dog and talked. We had messaged earlier because he seemed to be having a bit of an emotional morning. Apparently lately he has been having issues because he is obsessed - his word - with this one chick, who is SO perfect for him but has friend zoned him but who is "in the process" or is "very close" to leaving her long term partner. He is determined that they will be together, if only he waits a couple of more weeks. He told me he is suffering from depression and anxiety, and his last few therapy sessions have centered around this girl.

Ugh.

I told him that the therapy and anxiety stuff isn't an issue with me - M has all of that and more. However, the chick is a problem. I really don't want to have deal with that kind of issue. I told him that he needed to focus on someone else - meaning me - and he said there was another girl that sort of liked him but she was really young for him. (He is the same age as me - 36.) he then focused on me and started asking me questions about poly, and my current relationships.

He told me that he was really clingy and codependent in relationships, so he didn't think poly would work well for him. I said I didn't really think that would be an issue, since I was really only seeing M once a week. Also, yeah, I am touch-centered and so that wasn't a problem for me. (When I told M later this comment - that C3 said he was clingy - M burst into laughter. He thought that was the funniest thing he had ever heard, because yeah, Perfect for me.)

Anyway, it was cold out, so I asked him if he wanted to sit in my van to talk, but he said no, that he wanted to play more game because it helped him get calm. So we went back inside, but we sat around with a couple other players and talked about our lives, our colleges and education, and about me homeschooling until the place was about to close. During the conversation, C3 was involved, but he would often walk away and then come right back. Agitated, maybe, but he wasn't looking like he was - he was interested and upbeat in the conversation.

I asked the group if anyone wanted to go to dinner, but he said no because he had his dog, and everyone else was headed home to spouses and such. We walked out together, and he asked if I would be there any other day than Friday night. (I have to pick up my husband at the airport at 11 on Friday.) he said that he would be there Saturday. I said prolly not Saturday, since that would be my husband's first day back, if he comes home as planned. He said Friday night he is hosting his work department's happy hour, so he hadn't planned on coming over to the store, but if I was there, he maybe could come by after, depending on how late it was.

So it ended well, anyway.

What the fuck is it with me and guys with anxiety issues? I seem to be swimming in them.

I do like C3, but right now he seems like an awful lot of work for a long distance relationship.

I saw M after I left the store, because C3 gave me some stuff to deliver to him (M asked me to bring it over). M climbed into my van and we talked. M said he hoped I would hang in there with C3, and just see where the friendship goes. That was pretty much what I was going to do anyway. I am not going to pursue or pressure toward a romantic relationship when he is clearly fixated on a girl that will never be his. He needs to clear that up first. I mean, I'd be ok being poly with her as a metamour, but his mind is in no shape to handle that at the moment. Anyhoo, he gave me several mixed statements and cues about poly.

He did put everything down to give me a hug goodbye.

Sigh. Arrrrrrgh!
 
Bluebird, I am just going to wish you luck. I am still trying to get over the fact that someone had so much free time that they created a document with time spent. Obviously his wife has more issues with your relationship with her husband than she is letting on. A document, though? Did she prompt the girlfriend to do it? She had to at least give her the information, which means she is keeping tabs on how much time you spend with him. They need to work on their shit and quit bringing people in to their madness. That is some crazy stuff.
 
Maybe his wife and girlfriend are pushing for a triad.

But who the heck makes a spread sheet about a metamour?
 
Someone with too much time on their hands? That tit-for-tat is some BS, and it has to be indirectly coming from his wife. Bluebird, are they in counselling?

I think her real "need" is for you not to be around or with her husband. And she is poly, too? It seems like a bunch of double standards.
 
Yeah, I don't know what to do about it though. M is distressed, I am distressed, obviously it is crazy. His wife has been actively poly for years, and has polycules all over the US. None of her relationships are polyfi. I really feel like I have been disrespected, but there isn't much I can do about it. I have never met H's girlfriend. I know they have been together for years.

I had a rough morning - I hate waking up alone.
 
Well, I messaged with C3 this morning and that's a no go. He wrote to tell me he hoped to see me this week at the game store. I told him that I liked him, would date him, but was not really interested in the drama with the chick he was waiting for. If he wanted to see me, tell me when, and I'd make it happen. He responded later that he appreciated the honesty, and that it'd prolly be best if we were just friends for now. Yeah, the girl is never going to leave her boyfriend, and if she did, she wouldn't go to him, and if she did, it'd be short term. She is 30. If she wanted him, she'd have taken him already. Guys are dumb.

Not broken up about it though, I hardly knew the guy. Disappointed though.

It must be guys named C.

Actually, C2 and I were messaging lots this afternoon. He wants a no attachments, fuck buddy arrangement. I wish I could agree, but I just don't see the point. Sure, I like orgasms, but if he doesn't care about me, why bother? What if there is a spider or a moth? You gotta know a guy has your back, you know? That's my feeling anyway. He says he knows I like him, and he's into me, so why not? He says he's clean, because he has to be tested once a year since he is active military, and can count on two hands the number of partners he has had. He is a huge dork, so I think it is prolly less, but whatever. He says he has been celibate for 4 years. I know he told me before that his girlfriend didn't want sex before marriage and that they were breaking up when he goes to South Korea in February. She has given him free reign, apparently.

Gah! Why do I even talk to him, seriously? I respect myself too much to do a hookup, especially with a guy I have to see frequently. But he is awfully cute, in that nerdy way. But he is also a smoker, a brony, he loves Pokemon and is only 27. I would feel bad afterward, I think.
 
Sooooooo, I totally hooked up with C last night. Gawd. It was fun, but awkward as hell. He is sweet, and I am willing to see him again. Hopefully Friday. I just got home and I sent him a message. This will go nowhere, which is how I want it. That said, he is most definitely not anything like D or M in bed, and though I went to sleep satisfied, he has some work to do. Like I said, awkward. I am definitely going to chalk it up to inexperience on his part. But I can deal with that, if he isn't freaking out about it today. Not sure. M told me I was fucking crazy, but we will see.

I realize now I labeled him incorrectly in my earlier post - I have not talked to C2 at all - it's C that I was talking to yesterday. Stupid names being all the same. C2 is a douchebag and I will not be getting together with him!

Yeah, I stopped to see M this morning, and he was very loving and attentive. He said he had some anxiety and a smidge of jealousy last night, but he was ok. We had breakfast at Dunkin Donuts - I forgot to eat yesterday, just lunch - and so we had some time to reconnect. Can't wait to have time with him tomorrow and get some proper, long-lasting loving. :)

D called me after I got home this morning, and the compersion he was experiencing was shining through the phone. He said so far it looks still like he will be home Friday night, but he won't know for sure until later in the week. Keeping my fingers crossed - when he is home, all is right with the world.
 
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Aaaand he's acting like a douchebag. It is kind of hilarious, if it wasn't me. M won't stop laughing at me. I see his point, but damn. There is a reason why I don't do this sort of thing! I did have orgasms, but I could have done that without having to suffer through awkwardness and unskilled labor. Lol And I could have gotten a decent night's sleep too.
 
Wow It has been a while since I have written. I tried to stop, but I need the outlet emotionally.

I have had some serious ups and downs lately.

I reactivated my profile on okcupid, when I realized that M just is never going to be able to give me more time. He is having difficulty with it too. He rewrote his entire profile, changed up the pictures, answered questions. Crickets. He was upset I had over 100 quickmatch likes within the time frame. He is dealing with it, but he says he understands that a woman's experience on there is SO very different than a guy's.

The process has upset me too. I feel sad whenever he shows up in my feed. He doesn't have money or time to devote to another relationship - if he did, I would want him to give it to me! I need it! Desperately. I actually REALLY hate the entire dating process, and wish I didn't have to do it at all. I love M bunches, and to have him knee-jerk change up his profile because I am now looking, it makes me sad. He says he is just looking for validation, and I think he is being honest about his motivations. Still.

I had a really good first date with a guy named B. He was sweet, and respectful. Also very, VERY cute. Like, so cute that I was nervous about dating him, because he felt so out of my league. Same age as me, near the very end of a divorce, a published scientist with a PhD. Mono, but was open to poly. The date was awesome. He kissed me after, but I didn't feel sparks - just friendly and attracted, as I had from the beginning. Still, I was hopeful it would lead to more.

He then gave me radio silence for a week. This made me feel kinda shitty, because I felt like I had read him wrong. I got another guy messaging me, we will call him GMG, and he seemed kinda smarmy and just off a slight bit, but nothing I could really pin down. He pushed hard for my phone number and hard for a date. It felt good to be wanted, because after being wrong about B and M giving me all sorts of weird emotional mess, I needed that.

So we went out. 10 minutes in, his phone rang, and it was the old - it's an emergency so I have to leave - escape plan. He didn't escape though, instead he stayed. He gave me tons of flattering compliments, then became more aggressive as the night wore on. His hands started traveling, and then when I had had enough of that and his outlandish comments about poly, I stood up to leave and he stuck his hand down the back of my skirt - inside my skirt - and squeezed my ass. Date over. He then blocked access to my car door, leaning against it, not letting me leave until I kissed him. It was a bad situation. He needed mace. GMG stands for Grabby McGrabberson!

It took me a few days - this affected me a lot. I was way too passive and permissive during the date. I should have left earlier on, but I always try to rationalize things. I felt really dirty and like a terrible person. The things this guy said to me!

After that, I went on OKC and didn't answer any messages or write anything. I felt really disheartened. Then when looking at my visitor list, I saw B had been looking at my profile. I sent him a message, saying that I was still awesome and he should either date me or stop looking at me. He immediately contacted me offline and told me he thought he had blown it with me by not keeping in contact, and was sorry. He explained what had been going on, and it was understandable, so I agreed to talk with him still. :) this made me feel better, to know I hadn't read him wrong. He then made the effort and texted me silly things all week before asking me for another date.

At that point, I had set up a first date - dinner - with a poly guy in a nearby town, named A. B really, really wanted to see me, so he said he would take a lunch date that same day. Well, our lunch date went from noon til 4:30 at which time I had to leave for my dinner date! It went SO well! I still wasn't feeling fireworks, but it was really, really good and I felt very comfortable. Then I went on my dinner date. A is 5 years younger than me, and is short. He is in an established polycule and is super insightful. However, I didn't feel much level of attraction to him. He looks even younger than his age, and unfortunately for him, I picture C every time he would talk. I just - ugh. I felt by the end of that date that I would go on a second date, but that more than likely he would get friend zoned. But I was also in a good mood, because we had a TON in common.

At that point, B and I got back and touch, and he asked me out for another date that night. I felt pretty crazy having 3 dates in one day! But I said yes and we had dessert and drinks and played pool at a nearby bar/restaurant. It went amazingly well and again I felt super comfortable and he did an excellent job of making me feel special and important to him.

That next week was Thanksgiving, and B went out of town. I was super busy too. However, both B and A messaged me every day. A was hilarious - holy crap, we have such good chemistry over text! I wish I could bottle that and make it work in our in person contact! B was more short and subdued, but still, he was chatting.

After the holiday, B was making the long drive back from his friends/family and asked if he could see me that evening, because his schedule was going to be crazy and he wanted to see me. I was out with friends at a nearby bar, so he came and saw me like the second he got into town. One of the people I was hanging out with was C2. C2 has increasingly become more of a douchebag, but unfortunately I am now good friends with his friends so I see him lots. Anyway, C2 immediately picked up that I was seeing B and was a douchebag to him. Nothing overt, but definitely rude. This upset me a little, ok, a lot. So, I asked B if he wanted to go back to his place, which of course he did.

We ended up watching a movie and then having sex.

I so wish I hadn't, at first. He was fine, we had chemistry, but I felt like I had let myself down. I know I was wanting validation, and I was feeling lonely. Plus, yeah, I was horny too. Lol but also because I was pissed off at C2, which is dumb, because, duh, douchebag. I had brought my diaphragm with me, so I was prepared to sleep with him ahead of time - so it wasn't like a last minute decision. I should be clear about that.

Anyway, the next morning, I felt out of sorts. B didn't. He kissed me goodbye and told me he really liked me, to not be worried, etc. He messaged me the next day, and then after another day he scheduled another date with me. So that reassured me. We had that date last night.

That date was sorta good and bad. He picked me up and we ordered in Chinese at his place, watched South Park and Jon Stewart and SNL. The whole time he was falling asleep on the couch! It was clear he wasn't in a position to be inviting a girl over. He ended up driving me home, and he was very apologetic. He said he was very tired, because his work schedule was crazy, but that he wanted to see me and that was a priority, because he didn't want me to feel like our having had sex was going to make him disappear. If anything, he liked me even more. :)

So that was sweet, though disappointing, since I was horny as hell. He messaged me today again.

I am going to break this up into another entry, because hell, this is long.
 
The thing with B, is that he told me that one of the reasons for his divorce was that he works so much. I can see that already. It doesn't seem like he has a good balance going. I will see how it plays out - I can't give him 100% of my time anyway, so if he can strike a point where he isn't falling asleep on our dates, then I think we will work out. I still am not feeling that 'holy shit lightning hit my crotch' feeling with him, though. I just have happy tingly smiles all over. Very different from how I felt with M.

Oh, M. He has me all out of sorts lately. I really screwed up by sleeping with B so early into things - M felt undervalued and threatened. He knee-jerked and set his OKC profile to available for relationships (it had been set to just looking for friends) and started acting all hurt. Because it did hurt him. He told me that he felt my next decision would be to cut him off entirely, since B lives 5 minutes - seriously right around the corner - from me. I tried to reassure him. I don't want his heart hurt for anything.

However, I fucked up because I didn't use anything but the diaphragm with B. I knew it was dumb. He did tell me he had a recent clean AIDS test, but hadn't been screened for anything else recently. However, given the sexual history he shared, I felt ok with the risk. Of course, I then had to immediately share my stupidity with both my husband and with M.

Ugh. Both of them were floored. I have to say I am floored myself, looking back at it. What the fuck? Anyway, I let both guys know of my bad decision-making skills. The doctor's office will test me in a month - they said that's what they would recommend. B says he can get tested earlier, but knowing his schedule, I am not thinking that is realistic. Anyway, when I saw M on Wednesday, he really, really wanted to have penetrative sex with me - and I really, really wanted him to - but he didn't. We still had a good time and it was super fun and satisfying, but my lapse in forward thinking definitely had an effect on our intimacy. I am kicking myself for that, because sex with M is still the most intense I have ever had.

My husband is sick at the moment, and he says he trusts my judgement and plans on continuing our sex life as always. He was still plenty aggravated by my choice though.

I certainly don't intend to make a habit of it. I told B last night that he would be wrapping it up and he was agreeable to that.

So, anyway.

I have a dinner date set up with A on Sunday. He is still texting me hilarious things and we have a good connection. I am not sure what to do about that. I guess that is a wait and see proposition too.

I feel like B and I are doing well. He invited me to go on a work trip with him later this month to DC, but he hasn't brought it up again. I am not sure if I can go because of the dates anyway.

I find myself still incredibly in love with M, yet stressed out over him most of the time. He has made a concentrated effort lately to give me more time and it has really helped. Unfortunately, his anxiety seems to be increasing and I feel torn about what to do about it. He says it is his issue to deal with. I don't want to lose him though. When we are together, well, he's my happy.
 
Stupid weather. I cancelled my dinner date tonight due to a snowstorm. I was supposed to be out with A - we were going to go to dinner and then go play a board game at a coffee shop. Perfect date with him, I think. He messaged me after I texted him to cancel, asking for dibs on Thursday night. So that was sweet. This would be our second date.

I didn't answer though, because I am trying to keep my schedule open for B. He messaged me yesterday but didn't have any availability at that point - he was waiting to hear from his ex. He shares custody of his son and so the nights he is parenting, he doesn't go out. Her schedule is different every week, so I have to wait and see. Monday-Tuesday-Thursday are my only free nights this week, since M has Wednesday and Friday a friend is having an 80s themed party in their backyard arcade (my friends are awesome-er than yours!). Monday will be trivia with my husband at a nearby bar, but B would be welcome to come, if he were free. Sunday I am traveling to NY at ass o'clock in the morning, so Saturday night is a stay home sleep sort of time. Ugh, my life is full at the moment.

Anyway, if I promise Thursday to A, my only real alone-time with B would end up being Tuesday, if he has it free. I don't want to run the risk of missing out on seeing him this week. I will be happy when the holidays are over and the terrible weather is done!
 
glad your back blogging. i live vicariously through your stories. ;)
 
Aw, thanks Ali!

Well, B has kind of disappeared as of yesterday. It is just one day of silence, but he had been massaging me every day, so I dunno. I was expecting him to let me know what days he was available to hang out this week, but nothing. I messaged him last night, inviting him to hang out at a local spot where I play trivia on Monday nights, but again, no response. My phone says messaged delivered, but it doesn't say read, so I am trying not to be anxious about it. Because hey, we aren't exclusive yet, we are just casually seeing each other, etc. I am sure he is all wrapped up in work again. This isn't fun for me though, and I am pretty clear that I need some sort of daily communication to feel connected to someone. We will see if I hear from him today or not - I am not sending anything his way. I refuse to be all up in his space.

So, anyway, I did message A back and we are now firm for dinner and board games on Thursday night. He has been sending me messages and pictures every day, and nothing about him seems forced or contrived. I think he's sweet and I am always smiling when I read his messages. We have only had one date though, and that feels like eons ago. I haven't held his hand, or kissed him. I gave him a hug goodbye after our dinner date, because he just felt so impossibly young to me. He is in his 30s though, so I need to get over that. Lol I am hoping this date will help me decide what to do with him - continue dating, or friend zone. I had like zero physical attraction for him on our first date - not because he was unattractive, but because he looked so young and reminded me of C. Also, to be fair, I was buzzing from my date with B. Hopefully I can get a clear idea of how this would work, after spending more time with him. I think playing a board game or two will really bond us, if he's fun.
 
. . . I am pretty clear that I need some sort of daily communication to feel connected to someone.

I think it might benefit you to look at that "need" and see if there are other ways to feel connected without letting yourself be disappointed when someone can't be in touch every day. Because everyone has things that happen in their lives that can get in the way of daily communication, you don't want to come off as demanding and pouty when that doesn't happen. Not saying you are doing that, but it might be something to watch out for.

Lots of guys are just not into that kind of daily contact, but it doesn't mean they aren't thinking of you or feeling connected to you. Just another perspective for you to think about - it's good to know what our needs are but also good (in our continual quests for self-knowledge) to examine them and see how reasonable they are. :)
 
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