Cheating, Solitude, New date Questions

JapinaTricycle

New member
A few questions for you folks, since I am new to this concept of polyamory.

1: If you only had the following 2 choices to be in a relationship, between going monogamous (and half-unhappy) or cheating to be in 2 relationships, which would you choose?
2: How do you fight the solitude from being poly and feeling different?
3: When do you say you're polyamorous to a new date? How?
 
1. Neither. Nobody is holding a gun to my head, forcing me to chose from only those two options. I would break up with the one(s) unwilling to embrace non-monogamy, and start afresh, ethically.

2. I don't feel solitude from being poly. I'm not sure why you assume that's the default.

3. On or before the first date.
 
1. I’d choose not to be in that relationship. The options aren’t for happiness, and I’m better off without them, finding happiness elsewhere.

2. “Being poly” doesn’t set me apart from others in any noticeable way. I did tell my family of origin and my best friends when I became functionally poly, and of course my four kids and two partners know of that aspect of me. I don’t know many other poly people, but I don’t feel particularly isolated or alone.

3. Anyone I am interested in would know about my family structure and my disinterest in monogamy before I articulated an intention to date. Or as soon as they indicated interest. There’s no point in proceeding toward romantic/sexual intimacy if poly is gonna be a dealbreaker. If it’s gonna be something for them to work through before they know if they can handle it? I’m in no hurry.
 
1.) I did emotionally cheat on my monogamous marriage for a short time, while we were separated for work reasons. But I ended that relationship voluntarily, in order to pursue happiness in other relationships. (For the record, I am not condoning or suggesting cheating in any form; just relaying the truth of what happened in my situation.)

2.) I do not know any other poly people in my real-world circle, yet I do not feel isolated and alone - at least, not since I came out to my close friends, grown children and siblings about my situation. Most are open-minded and have no problem discussing this with me.

3.) I only have one current partner (my other relationship is on hiatus) and we are closed, so this doesn't apply to me. However, if it did, I would make sure to tell any potential partner once genuine interest had been established... either on, or just before a first date... and definitely before we slept together.
 
1. I'd cheat. (Yes, yes, I know, bad Evie, blah blah, etc. etc. but it's my reality so I'm going to own it). I did on previous long term partners, so with Adam I embarked on an open relationship so I could be truthful to both my nature and to him.

2. There is no solitude. Seriously, I'm in one of the smallest countries in the world, not living in the major population centre, or the 2nd, 3rd, 4th or even 5th largest city. But in my small city in my small country I have poly friends. And mono friends. Not all my mono friends know I'm poly. That's ok, too.

3. Before the first date. I tend to meet people I want to date through my local poly/kink communities, so we're all on the same page to begin with. I had to convince one of my fwbs that we could still be fwbs now I'm married, but he quickly got used to the idea.
 
I used to cheat at Happy Families when I was a child, too!
 
Cheating makes a person less of a full person. The context is immaterial.

Still and all, LOTS of people choose it. I know I couldn't be happy enough while cheating to make it worth it, but I've known people who seem to be able to handle it just fine.
 
Still and all, LOTS of people choose it. I know I couldn't be happy enough while cheating to make it worth it, but I've known people who seem to be able to handle it just fine.


People choose cheating because they are scared to communicate.


Just remember, you (not directed at anyone in particular) might be about to shatter the other person in your life...

My recent brush with infidelity crushed me and I am still trying to recover...

Cheating isn't just about you, your aiming the gun at your partner as well (if they care for you, I guess).
 
Re (from JapinaTricycle):
"If you only had the following two choices to be in a relationship, between going monogamous (and half-unhappy) or cheating to be in two relationships, which would you choose?"

Technically, the right answer is, going monogamous, even if you have to be half-unhappy. In reality, I don't know if I'd be strong enough to do the right thing.

"How do you fight the solitude from being poly and feeling different?"

Participating in this poly forum is certainly one way to fight that solitude. If you have any local poly groups, you can go to their meetings and munches, and that's a bonus.

"When do you say you're polyamorous to a new date? How?"

Generally I recommend telling them sometime during the first three dates. Definitely before having sex with them. As for how, I suggest saying something like, "I need to let you know that I am nonmonogamous." Short and sweet.
 
1. I have cheated in the past. I wouldn't go down that road again. I suppose I could live monogamously, but she'd have to be pretty special. Most likely I would do neither.

2. Poly doesn't define who I am as a person. It's a relationship style. I don't feel any solitude because of it.

3. I let people know right away, especially if we might become a thing. I'm not opposed to one nighters though. It might not even come up in that scenario.
 
People choose cheating because they are scared to communicate.

And people choose cheating to give them someone new to communicate with when they are feeling neglected or unable to communicate at home.

Sometimes the habits of the original relationship have become so ingrained that that's all the relationship has really become, a collection of shared habits. Sometimes realising that takes an external catalyst. Enter the new guy or gal.

What happens next we see time and time again here... People investigating poly as a way to retain the original relationship.

Sometimes people also use the guise of poly to maintain the original relationship until something truly better for them comes along.

And some people who do continue to live in their original relationship after opening up, regardless of whether their catalyst is still present in their lives or not.

I think it's also fair to say that it is not uncommon that people set out with one intention only to discover what they really wanted was another.
 
And people choose cheating to give them someone new to communicate with when they are feeling neglected or unable to communicate at home.

Sometimes the habits of the original relationship have become so ingrained that that's all the relationship has really become, a collection of shared habits. Sometimes realising that takes an external catalyst. Enter the new guy or gal.

What happens next we see time and time again here... People investigating poly as a way to retain the original relationship.

Sometimes people also use the guise of poly to maintain the original relationship until something truly better for them comes along.

And some people who do continue to live in their original relationship after opening up, regardless of whether their catalyst is still present in their lives or not.

I think it's also fair to say that it is not uncommon that people set out with one intention only to discover what they really wanted was another.

This is where I'm at currently.

I think the infidelity was a focal point that we desperately needed, it has brought attention back to where it was suppose to be all along... but its not an easy path by any means.
 
1. I cheated on my husband once, on one occasion, before we were even engaged, because I reconnected with a guy I'd had intense sexual chemistry with and we found that chemistry was still there, and even more intense. It didn't progress all the way to intercourse, but it could have. I did try to talk my husband (then boyfriend) into letting me explore a relationship with the other guy; Hubby said no. I came clean about what had happened, he forgave me (and unfortunately blamed the guy, even though it was equal responsibility), and I chose to stop spending time alone with the other guy. I lived monogamously even though it didn't feel right to me and, because of some sexual and social incompatibilities between Hubby and me, I was kind of miserable a lot of the time. About three and a half years after the cheating thing, *Hubby* was the one who suggested that I see other people. At this point, I wouldn't even enter into a relationship where I would have to live monogamously, so the question of whether I would be unhappily monogamous or cheat is moot.

2. I often feel lonely and isolated, but that isn't exclusive to being around other poly people. I've spent pretty much my entire life, from childhood, feeling lonely and isolated, partly due to bullying (which occurred just as much in my 40s as it did when I was a kid), partly due to poor social skills, and partly due to having learned to shut people out because it was better to reject them than give them the chance to reject me. As far as feeling lonely and isolated specific to poly... I actually have *more* of a connection with poly communities than with anyone else, because at this point the vast majority of my social network is made up of people i met through my boyfriend, who has been poly for a long time and so many of the people he knows are also poly. I'm also "out" as poly to everyone who isn't related to my husband, so there's no reason for isolation there.

3. Since until recently I've met all of my partners and prospects on dating sites, they knew before we met in person that I'm poly. The prospects I've met recently have been through FetLife, through a local poly group, or, in one case, in the course of a conversation among several people about dating and polyamory. I probably wouldn't attempt to date anyone who wasn't already part of a poly group or at least a poly-friendly group, and I definitely wouldn't date anyone without letting them know the situation up front.
 
1: If you only had the following 2 choices to be in a relationship, between going monogamous (and half-unhappy) or cheating to be in 2 relationships, which would you choose?

Neither I would leave the relationship.

2: How do you fight the solitude from being poly and feeling different?

I enjoy solitude. I am an introvert. I have always been different. I do not give a damn what others think about me. I never have.

3: When do you say you're polyamorous to a new date? How?

I mention it while setting up the first date since I meet people in real life. If I dated online I would it in my profile.
 
Oh boy...okay.

1) See...the thing is that you do have more than just those two choices, and each of those choices is actually pretty selfish. I've been there before. In college I'd had a bf for a year and then started falling for someone else. It hadn't turned physical but it wanted to, and I labored over whether to stay and be sad, cheat, or leave him. I realized that he believed he was still in a happy, monogamous relationship with someone who was having an emotional affair and fighting tooth and nail not to let the affair get worse. Not what he signed up for. The only thing to do was to come clean and risk the relationship ending if we didn't want the same things anymore. And that's what happened - it ended. We're still friends. He's decidedly mono; I'm decidedly not. But I'd choose an ethical solution any day.

2) Hmmmm...solitude of being poly and being different.

I'm used to being different and sort of misunderstood so this is no different than a whole host of other things when it comes to being different. The challenges I personally experience being poly aren't really solitude related though. I find more issues with the presumption that I'm DTF because I'm poly, or that my relationship isn't legitimate, that my partner doesn't "really" love me, etc. I find it frustrating at times but not necessarily isolating. This forum helps a lot with that, for one, but also the presence of my partner and, indeed, his partner helps to counteract the mono-normative culture stuff.

3) I would mention it right away. If I were mono, I would hate to get all excited to go out on a first date with someone only to discover half way through the appetizer that they were in an open marriage. I try to put any information that could be problematic out there right away, including relationship orientation, sexual identity, religion, political leaning, football team - everything. Lol. It just makes it easier.
 
Back
Top