Feelings after the end of 1st poly relationship

Snic85

New member
I've been with my husband for 9yrs, and we have two kids. We have a good marriage, we can talk about anything, the sex is great, we are very supportive of each other, but I've always felt like something has been missing. We decided recently to try having a poly marriage.
I was with an amazing guy for four months. I connected with him on a deeper level than I ever have with anyone else. We really understood each other. The sex was more meaningfull.
It was also his first poly relationship. He seemed so comfortable with the whole situation and even meet my husband. I was so happy, every thing was going so smooth. After 4 months, he decided that poly is not for him, and he broke it off. I am shocked and devastated.
Now I think that I went into a poly relationship to fill an emotional void. I think that my husband and I could be much happier with someone else. I feel like we settled. I am not unhappy with him, but we have very little in common. We don't truly understand each other. I've never felt that deep connection with him like I did with my ex boyfriend, not even in the beginning. We are more like best friends with benefits, who support each other, and raise kids together.
I promised myself that I would never split up a family, our oldest is only 5. We both are willing to sacrifice our true happiness for our kids, as long as we can keep a good healthy home environment.

After this experience I don't know if I will continue with a poly marriage, my husband if free to continue his relationship, but I don't think I will persue another relationship. Maybe after I heal I will feel different.
 
You were caught up in NRE. It was intense, exciting, stimulating, and now it's over. You feel like suddenly the floor dropped out from under you. "What just happened, what am I doing?" You look at your hubby, and your relationship with him, and say, "it can't compare!" You feel disappointed in what you have because what you just lost was so overwhelmingly different and so... wow.

This is not the time to make important decisions, nor even conclusions, about your life and relationships. This is a time to reflect and heal, and do things that are very self-nurturing (but not self-indulgent).

You're still high on the chemicals that flooded your brain when you and bf were having such exciting, fulfilling, sexy times together. You are literally coming down from a trip. I recommend reading this website about the science of what happens when you hook up with someone new: Your Brain on Sex.
 
Do you think there is any way to acquire that deep connection? I proposed to my fiance that we work on our relationship before qe go seeking other ones not sure where to begin with working on those sort of issues but I thought itwas a good idea in theory
 
I agree with nycindie..

Your perceptions are being skewed by NRE and having the rug pulled out from under you.

Take a step back, re find yourself, and mourn the loss of your relationship.
 
I want to repeat what's just been said, because making decisions while grieving is really difficult. It's just plain hard to do the right thing...

As for your marriage, I notice that you say two different things in your introduction. On the one hand:

We have a good marriage, we can talk about anything, the sex is great, we are very supportive of each other,

On the other hand:

Now I think that I went into a poly relationship to fill an emotional void. I think that my husband and I could be much happier with someone else. I feel like we settled. I am not unhappy with him, but we have very little in common. We don't truly understand each other. I've never felt that deep connection with him like I did with my ex boyfriend, not even in the beginning. We are more like best friends with benefits, who support each other, and raise kids together

I don't know how old the kids are, but I think everyone who has raised or is raising them would agree that they can really seriously get in the way of being close and intimate and connected to your spouse. Fucking laundry, fucking dishes, fucking diapers, fucking exhaustion, fucking fuck don't talk to me fuck. Or something like that. Smirk.

There's something to be said for a husband with whom you can talk about anything, where the sex is great, and you're supportive of each other. There's a lot to be said about being best friends and still having benefits - plenty of married couples lose the benefits AND the friendship. You support each other and have far more on your plate than any other relationship will ever have (nobody will ever parent your kids like you and your husband parent them, that's just the way it is).

I guess what I'm saying is to appreciate what you've got with him. Love the shit out of each other during a time that's hard on any marriage of supportive best friends. And as you heal, you'll probably have a chance to think about another poly relationship, and it'll come if it comes, and won't if it's not time for it yet...
 
We do have a lot of things in our relationship that others we know don't. The sex has always been just that sex, but really good sex. Something you do because it feels so good, it has no meaning in it, you don't "feel" the intimacy, the love. With my ex the actual sex didn't feel nearly as good, but when we had sex, it felt like it had meaning, it felt close, intimate, I guess you might say it was "making love." I've never felt that with my husband, even before kids. My husband has even said that it is nothing more than sex. His goal during sex is an orgasim, not intimacy. When we talk I feel like I'm talking to by best friend, but doesn't truly understand me. When I talked to my ex, it felt like he got me, he understood. I don't know how else to put it.

I did think that maybe I just needed to heal and move on, but I had these feelings before we started a poly marriage. I've always felt like the deep emotional connection wasn't there, but we worked well together, we shared the same family values. Other than that, and our kids, we don't have anything in common.
 
What you're describing about your relationship with your husband isn't necessarily a negative thing. Many people don't have a close friend whom they trust and can have good-feeling sex with. In a way, poly can solve that for you - you have your husband's comfortable friendship and co-parenting partnership and eventually you may meet someone with whom you can have an intimate, more emotionally close and passionate lover-friendship. Just because one relationship is more satisfying in some ways does not negate the value of other relationships which satisfy different needs.

Just take your time and be good to yourself while mourning this breakup. But when you are ready to move on, be brave and get back in the game!
 
I felt the same way with my first lover outside my marriage, who only lasted 5 months. I compared her to my husband and felt my husband came up lacking. I have since come to my senses. She was new, exciting, a roller coaster, and I was utterly ga-ga over all that girl-on-girl action. But you can't compare a 15 year partnership with all it's ups, downs, and in-betweens with something that is shiny and new, especially when you aren't sharing a home or finances together (and in your case, kids.) In the end, she turned out not to be full of shit, and she broke my heart. My husband helped me pick up the pieces. I must've been deep in NRE to think that girl could hold a candle to that man.

Heal from your heartbreak, then work on yourself and your marriage. After my breakup, I decided to change my approach to my husband, I became much more honest about my needs and wants, but also more accepting of his limitations. I've made a concerted effort to stop nagging him to be anything other than he is, and that has allowed my love for him has grown surprisingly.

My husband is not super-passionate, exciting guy, he is steady, funny, adorable guy who loves the pants off me and will always be there for me no matter what. Yes, he's my best friend, and sometimes he annoys the fuck out of me.

I think there' a learning curve when going from a monogamous marriage to an open one, and it's tough to get out of that mindset that one person should be all things to you or he deserves to be replaced.

I recently ended a very casual 9 month relationship with a guy. No drama this time, I just felt it had run its course. He had a lot of things going for him that my husband doesn't--wealthy with lots of toys, six-pack abs, sexy foreign accent, very adventurous sexually, but you know what? This time, I never for a second mistook the excitement of being with him as more desirable than what I already have with hubby. I feel better equipped now to balance my love for my husband with another LOVE, whenever she or he comes along.
 
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