Struggling in an open relationship

soulsearch

New member
I am in an open relationship with my partner of five years. It has been "monogamish" up until about three months ago when she approached me about making it open to date both women and men. Before opening, we entertained the idea of bringing in another woman but never acted upon it. My partner is a bisexual female and I am a straight male. In the beginning I was coming from a poly relationship and we were both seeking a single monogamous partner.

When she approached me about opening, in my opinion, we were in a bad place in our relationship. Sex wasn't really happening and our communication could have been in a better place. Over the length of five years we both had hurt each other emotionally, not in a vindictive way, and we have built walls against each other. I was hesitant to open the relationship because of this but after several discussions about how what we are doing isn't working, I agreed. I didn't see any other options short of breaking up.

We talked recently and I stated that I am not happy with the open relationship status. She says that monogamy is too confining for her to go back to. Neither of us have had another lover yet. There has been flirting, she sent some nudes to a guy, and I kissed another woman at one point. I feel that we are in limbo at this point.

Does anyone have any advice or an alternate option that I am not seeing?
 
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Do You Think the Relationship is Worth Saving?

That is the first question that has to be answered, I think. You sound really unhappy from your brief post here. I know that five years is a lot of time to invest in a relationship, but if it isn't working, it just isn't working. Also, it sounds like your girlfriend might be like me - she might just be naturally oriented to be polyamorous rather than monogamous. If this is indeed the case, then monogamy is out. If you want to explore with her if that is the case, that might be a good idea - especially if you think you will expect monogamy from her down the road or right now. This is an either or thing for many people.

As for opening the relationship because it is in a bad place - IMO, a relationship should only be opened when it is MOST stable. Adding more people only complicates an already problematic situation.

As for your question - the only thing I can think is perhaps couples therapy, but from your brief description here, this relationship seems like it's not good for either of you at this point.
 
As for opening the relationship because it is in a bad place - IMO, a relationship should only be opened when it is MOST stable. Adding more people only complicates an already problematic situation.

I definitely concur with this point. It took me a long time to get my relationships with my partners on the right track because, in hindsight, we opened up for the wrong reasons i.e. I began a secondary (at the time) relationship specifically because I was feeling neglected by my primary partner, and he refused to make the necessary changes to improve his part of the situation.

As for your question - the only thing I can think is perhaps couples therapy, but from your brief description here, this relationship seems like it's not good for either of you at this point.

I tend to agree here too. You don't sound very happy with the arrangement as it stands now (though you don't really specify why) - NOR does it sound like you were in a good place BEFORE you and your partner opened up.

You say you HAD BEEN poly before starting this relationship five years ago, but that you were both seeking a mono arrangement at that point. What was it about polyamory that you disliked or couldn't deal with? Did you current partner feel the same way, or were her reasons different? I ask, because as a bi woman, she MAY feel more need to explore that side of herself than you do as a straight male (though not necessarily).
 
but after several discussions about how what we are doing isn't working, I agreed. I didn't see any other options short of breaking up.

So you basically Opened to avoid breaking up? :confused:

We talked recently and I stated that I am not happy with the open relationship status.

And now that it is Open, you aren't happy with it? And all the original problems are still there -- like the walls between you? :confused:

I guess if that is where it is at... To me it sounds like started to try option A but already know its not a runner. (Open relationship.)

So rather than continue further on that track, you could change to option B -- break up amicably. Tell her "Wait... I've changed my mind. This Open thing doesn't feel right, and we're not really in a solid place to be doing that. I rather talk about parting ways amicably."

Rather than drag it out, struggle more with the Open thing and risk having to break up ugly. (Option C). Breaking up is never fun like "whee! let's do that!" but between a good parting and a yucky one, I rather have a good one.

I have to agree with the others -- it is better to Open when solid, not when on shaky ground. I'm sorry you are going through this. :(

Galagirl
 
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It sounds to me like you guys are opening up as more of a "grasping at straws" to save the relationship. That's generally never a good reason to open up and turns into more of a soft transition out of the relationship.

I agree with others that it sound like maybe the best option is to really evaluate whether the relationship should be saved. Maybe it's best to end it at a point where you can both still have a healthy relationship to one another and maybe even stay friends, rather than risking seeing it get ugly.
 
Hello soulsearch,

It seems to me that your main problem right now is that you don't want open, while your partner doesn't want closed. It's nice to think that maybe you could try some alternative option instead of open, however your partner would not agree to that. If you are going to stay with your partner, you'll have to be open. And it sounds to me like, if you're open, you will be miserable and resentful because of it. I see this open/closed thing as an irreconcilable difference. Unless you're hoping that if you stay open for now, one of you will come around later and you'll both want open, or you'll both want closed. I am thinking that couple's counseling might actually be a good idea. But at the same time, I am thinking that you're already on the brink of breaking up, so you'll have to be careful.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
It was definitely a poor choice to open up our relationship when we were struggling. We have talked and I am at a point were I am being more straight forward with what I want. We discussed possibly starting couples therapy. It was a non heated conversation, which is good, but we remain in this uncertain space. I still love her and she loves me so it is hard to determine if the relationship is worth saving on the premise of love itself...being that ultimately she wants to be open and I either want a healthy monogamous relationship or to be single. She said that she would be willing to go back to monogamous if we work on our relationship and go to counseling or have a mediator. I hesitate because I anticipate her becoming bitter towards me.

As far as my poly experience before this relationship and why I am seeking monogamy now, I actually enjoyed the nature of the relationship(s). I have leaned in the direction of open or poly for the decade prior to meeting my partner. In essence I still see nothing wrong with poly or any other type of relationship, so long that it works for all involved and it isn't abusive.

I appreciate your responses, they have been very helpful. :)
 
Now it sounds like there's an option D: See a counselor to make relationship repairs and if it works out, continue monogamously. If it does not work out, break up. (Because if monogamous is no longer on the table, she prefers Open and you prefer single.)

How long do you guys want to give counseling? (ex: 6 mos?)

What kind of progress do you want to see happening in order to continue with option D? (ex: if things aren't solve in 6 mos, but major progress has been made in A, B, and C, then you are both willing to extend out to a year.)

Those might be things to talk to therapist about. What is a realistic time frame.

And what to do if she starts to become bitter about it all. And if the counseling attempt does not work out, how to part ways amicably rather than yucky.

Galagirl
 
I've had a great experience with couples counselling recently. Counselling gives you space and time to access all the things that have been unsaid and hidden behind the walls but should have been communicated and listened to instead. The counsellor can give moderate guidance if you feel stuck in communication. So if the relationship was ever good chances are you can get back to that place ... or rather to a more mature good place. I encourage you to go with it.
 
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