R u male or female?????

I find it interesting that it is often the man who drags the woman into the lifestyle. The woman might be rather reluctant at first, but once exposed to loving intimacy and perhaps sexual variety in safe, caring groups, they often become the strongest supporters of the lifestyle. Then, lo and behold.....we find out that it is often the man who has to potential to become more possessive and jealous.

That's a fairly sweeping generalization.

I dragged him into this lifestyle.... and now he's happy here :D


It is a sweeping generalization, but I think that it does have at least some truth to it.

If I had a nickel every time I heard of some guy dragging his girlfriend to poly and the girl ending up much more into it than the guy was, I'd be typing this message from my Alienware laptop..in Amsterdam..in a coffeeshop..that I bought...with my "walking around" money.
 
Man posting most of the time here. Although, my wife does post in my place from time to time.
 
It is a sweeping generalization, but I think that it does have at least some truth to it.

If I had a nickel every time I heard of some guy dragging his girlfriend to poly and the girl ending up much more into it than the guy was, I'd be typing this message from my Alienware laptop..in Amsterdam..in a coffeeshop..that I bought...with my "walking around" money.

Wow you know a lot of poly people :O

and have good taste in laptops :)
 
There seems to be an awful lot of "dragging into" going on. That would seem to suggest that quite a few people who "are" poly are not really that enthusiastic about it.
 
There seems to be an awful lot of "dragging into" going on. That would seem to suggest that quite a few people who "are" poly are not really that enthusiastic about it.

I just envisioned a bunch of poly cavemen, with big clubs...

I sure am glad beth and I walked into this together, if I tried "dragging" her into anything I believe she might go all bobbit on my ass.
 
Wow you know a lot of poly people :O

and have good taste in laptops :)


Well, you don't spend four(I think it's been four) years looking for an OSO going to meetups, conferences, workshops, munches, etc. without meeting a lot of poly people.

And I also have very good taste in coffeeshops. In my fantasy the coffeeshop I was sitting in with my Alienware laptop is called "Barney's". Some of the best hash in the 'Dam. *sigh* I miss the 'Dam.


There seems to be an awful lot of "dragging into" going on. That would seem to suggest that quite a few people who "are" poly are not really that enthusiastic about it.

I can't speak for anyone else, but you hit the nail on the head for me. At the best of times I think of being poly as the "Peace Corps" of relationship structures("The Toughest Relationship Type You'll Ever Love").
 
I can't speak for anyone else, but you hit the nail on the head for me. At the best of times I think of being poly as the "Peace Corps" of relationship structures("The Toughest Relationship Type You'll Ever Love").

I always thought it was about loving PEOPLE, not loving "types of relationships"... maybe that's what is lost on the people doing the "dragging" and being "dragged into".
 
Survey

Would be interesting to go on a site like okc and do a survey. That might give you a decent snapshot...hmmmm Too bad no one has time for that kind of thing

Actually, someone did do a survey of polymatchmaker, and discovered that there was about twice as many men as women (mentioned here).

It is unfortunate. I wish more people, when things were going ok to well, would stick around. I wonder if they realize how much that would help people :)

Well, sure. But many people for whom things are going well are out modelling what healthy poly- relationships are like for their friends and community. That may well be more important than just asserting on a forum to someone struggling that things actually can go well, because it is more tangible. Which isn't to say that posting on forums isn't helpful, of course, but to say that those people who don't stick around but are doing things well may still be helping people.
 
I always thought it was about loving PEOPLE, not loving "types of relationships"... maybe that's what is lost on the people doing the "dragging" and being "dragged into".

I am sure that does make a practical difference but I'm not quite sure how. From my understanding poly is about loving more than one person in a romantic way. If you love that style of relationship then you are signing up for loving more than one person(or at least setting that as your goal).

I know what I think you might mean, but I won't guess and risk putting words in your mouth.
 
I am sure that does make a practical difference but I'm not quite sure how. From my understanding poly is about loving more than one person in a romantic way. If you love that style of relationship then you are signing up for loving more than one person(or at least setting that as your goal).

I know what I think you might mean, but I won't guess and risk putting words in your mouth.


Why don't you just say what you think I mean and ask me if that is what i mean? The word for that is "communication". It's only "putting words in my mouth" if you go around saying I said something I never said.

I did not say to myself "Gee I want [this type] of relationship, therefore I must resign myself to the fact that I will have to love more than one person in order to achieve that goal." Instead, I experienced the reality that I have been able to feel the feeling for more than one person in the same time frame. It does not disappear for one person in the presence of the other. This has nothing to do with having a "goal" to achieve a particular "relationship style". I am not making concerted efforts to "be poly" or to "be in a polyamorous relationship".
 
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Why don't you just say what you think I mean and ask me if that is what i mean? The word for that is "communication". It's only "putting words in my mouth" if you go around saying I said something I never said.

I'm sorry. The reason I didn't is because I didn't want to be disrespectful and give the impression that I know what you mean better than you do. My apologies.

I did not say to myself "Gee I want [this type] of relationship, therefore I must resign myself to the fact that I will have to love more than one person in order to achieve that goal." Instead, I experienced the reality that I have been able to feel the feeling for more than one person in the same time frame. It does not disappear for one person in the presence of the other. This has nothing to do with having a "goal" to achieve a particular "relationship style". I am not making concerted efforts to "be poly" or to "be in a polyamorous relationship".

Ahh. That makes more sense and I think it goes back to a difference in perspective.

I think that the ability to love more than one person at once is actually not that rare(monastics do it all the time) and that the ability to do so does not, necessarily, make one poly(a loving person, yes, but not poly). I think that it is that ability plus the willingness to make the necessary sacrifices to engage in a romantic relationship with more than one person at the same time that makes people poly.
 
There seems to be an awful lot of "dragging into" going on. That would seem to suggest that quite a few people who "are" poly are not really that enthusiastic about it.

I use "dragging" in the cheekiest sense.

If he wasn't comfortable with it - if he wasn't ok with it - I wouldn't be doing it.

As he put it - we are on the journey together. But I want to run and he wants to walk. My "dragging" has more to do with me being more enthusiastic than he is. I choose to slow *my* pace down to match his.

Oh wait. I've been reading lots. Isn't that what healthy poly relationships are about? :rolleyes:;):D
 
I think that the ability to love more than one person at once is actually not that rare(monastics do it all the time) and that the ability to do so does not, necessarily, make one poly(a loving person, yes, but not poly).


Well, of course. I wasn't talking about the love I have for my cats, or the love I have for platonic friends. I was talking about it in a sexy-romantic way. That ought to be a given. This isn't a forum for monastics, it's a forum for polyamorous people and those who are involved with polyamorous people. If I were to suddenly switch to using the term "love" in an all-inclusive sense, I would have specified so. I'm not going to put footnotes every time I use the word "love" saying "in the polyamorous sense, not the monastic sense". That's just absurd.

I think that it is that ability plus the willingness to make the necessary sacrifices to engage in a romantic relationship with more than one person at the same time that makes people poly.

What sacrifices are you referring to?

I use "dragging" in the cheekiest sense.

That's cool. I believe three or four people took part in the use of the "d" word, and I'm sure they all didn't mean it the exact same way.
 
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Well, of course. I wasn't talking about the love I have for my cats, or the love I have for platonic friends. I was talking about it in a sexy-romantic way. That ought to be a given. This isn't a forum for monastics, it's a forum for polyamorous people and those who are involved with polyamorous people. If I were to suddenly switch to using the term "love" in an all-inclusive sense, I would have specified so. I'm not going to put footnotes every time I use the word "love" saying "in the polyamorous sense, not the monastic sense". That's just absurd.

Touche. However, that doesn't negate my point. Just because someone loves more than one person at the same time doesn't mean that they are poly any more than thinking about painting makes someone a painter. Without the willingness to act on those feelings a person is someone who is emotionally capable of being poly but doesn't choose to be.

What sacrifices are you referring to?

Good question. With the understanding that not all of these are universal and for some people there are very few sacrifices needed, if any(I suspect you might fall in this category, but I could be wrong).

Increased frequency of breakups(more relationships can equal more breakups)
Increased confrontation(three way arguments are rarely fun)
Coping with insecurities that would otherwise never come up(how often do you hear of monogamous people having to work with jealousy compared to poly people?)
Decreased spontaneity

I'm sure there are more examples, but I can't think of them at the moment.
 
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Just because someone loves more than one person at the same time doesn't mean that they are poly any more than thinking about painting makes someone a painter.


.

To me that is like saying you aren't gay unless you actively involved with someone of the same gender. It implies that the default is monogamous and you have to be involved with people to actually be poly. It makes it an action based "label" as opposed to a "nature" based one. I see poly and mono as orientations for many people. Now the idea of a "functioning" poy person is different. Just because you can love more than one person at a time doesn't mean you can manage more than one relationship...that's where actually needing to act on the ability comes into play for me.
 
To me that is like saying you aren't gay unless you actively involved with someone of the same gender. It implies that the default is monogamous and you have to be involved with people to actually be poly. It makes it an action based "label" as opposed to a "nature" based one. I see poly and mono as orientations for many people. Now the idea of a "functioning" poy person is different. Just because you can love more than one person at a time doesn't mean you can manage more than one relationship...that's where actually needing to act on the ability comes into play for me.

True. That's why I specified willingness to be involved, not actually being involved. A person can be fired up and 100% sold on the idea of being involved with the two people they love but can't for whatever reason. I would say that they are still poly because the desire is there. They just are a poly person with rotten luck, inadequate skills, or whatever it is that is keeping them from being with more than one person at the same time.
 
Let's see....Men, actually talking about inner feelings and relationships? Are you mad? :) Yes, there are some men out there who can do this; probably even some who feel comfortable about it. I suspect the majority of men, mono or poly, find it difficult to talk about or express their feelings verbally or in writing...myself included.

The interesting thing about polls is that they're really difficult to do accurately.
 
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