self healing

jones

New member
Hi everyone, after a very painful and messy break up I need to work on some self healing.

my problems:

I feel it my fault, from what I hear from G, J is perfect in everyway, he cares about her more than me:

speaking to my bf, he says it not my fault, its them so the points I want to work on are:

changing my mind set on it being my fault to not being my fault.

being more positive.

I feel I have been coping a little bit more with what g and j are doing, its hard with him still living here, plus they are having sex now and not being careful with protection. but how do I get to the point where it doesn't bother me at all?

does anyone have any help for me?
 
It's just about accepting that sometimes people are simply incompatible, relationships end for that reason and being incompatible is not the fault of anyone. People are allowed to have different needs, change their minds about what their needs are and decide not to be in relationships that they committed to. Instead if trying to shift the blame to them, I'd try and let go of the anger and finger pointing altogether. That's the only way I can envisage moving on in a healthy fashion.
 
My suggestion is either you move out or he needs to move out. It is going to be hard to heal with him flaunting his behavior and thoughts in your face.
 
Any healing process is going to require some distance. The more you focus on you and your routine and the less you can think about the other person and what's going on with them, the better off you'll be. I would think that living with the other person wouldn't facilitate a quick healing process.

-VK
 
It's just about accepting that sometimes people are simply incompatible, relationships end for that reason and being incompatible is not the fault of anyone. People are allowed to have different needs, change their minds about what their needs are and decide not to be in relationships that they committed to. Instead if trying to shift the blame to them, I'd try and let go of the anger and finger pointing altogether. That's the only way I can envisage moving on in a healthy fashion.

thank you, I am feeling better, G feels we don't get on anymore, there are other things as well of course but yes I need to work on the whole 'I hate you because you made G do this'


G did all this hurtful things not J ( she did some but not though g, off her own back) but saying that I don't want friendship with her tbh nothing with her will keep me very happy.
 
My suggestion is either you move out or he needs to move out. It is going to be hard to heal with him flaunting his behavior and thoughts in your face.

he needs to move out, he tells me he hates me and doesn't want to be here but yet he hasn't moved out and J won't have him.
 
Any healing process is going to require some distance. The more you focus on you and your routine and the less you can think about the other person and what's going on with them, the better off you'll be. I would think that living with the other person wouldn't facilitate a quick healing process.

-VK

he spends time away and I see A a lot but we still live together and we just fight all the time, he hates me and tbh I hate him when he treats me like crap.
 
Healiing requires space.

Even Maca and I (who are doing very well now) had to live apart for a year to work through the healing process of the damages we had done to one another previously.

If someone is continuing to spew forth venom-then the household is toxic.

Think of it like having an open wound. Would you soak it in a dirty mud puddle and expect it to heal?
Of course not.

Likewise-the wound you want to heal-your heart, your mind, your soul-needs a healthy, clean and safe environment to heal.
 
I don't know how your living arrangements are (ex: a house, an apartment, etc) or how your financial picture is (ex: can you afford to carry the home on your own, own it free it clear, etc) but NOT LIVING TOGETHER would help a lot in your healing process.

Can you move?

GG
 
Healiing requires space.

Even Maca and I (who are doing very well now) had to live apart for a year to work through the healing process of the damages we had done to one another previously.

If someone is continuing to spew forth venom-then the household is toxic.

Think of it like having an open wound. Would you soak it in a dirty mud puddle and expect it to heal?
Of course not.

Likewise-the wound you want to heal-your heart, your mind, your soul-needs a healthy, clean and safe environment to heal.

thank you, we spoke today and it didn't end well, he resent me because I am happy with A and he hates being around me but won't move out because he has no where to go so he says. he says I leave him to babysit for a few hours a day while or stays the night at J or goes to london for a week.

i hate my life with him here and hate myself, he says its all my fault he fell in love with j more and our relationship broke down. I am trying to be strong but its getting hard.
 
I don't know how your living arrangements are (ex: a house, an apartment, etc) or how your financial picture is (ex: can you afford to carry the home on your own, own it free it clear, etc) but NOT LIVING TOGETHER would help a lot in your healing process.

Can you move?

GG

I can't move but I can look after the house alone but he can't go now he says but hates me and makes things so hard all I want to do is get out of the house and away from him :( wish me and the kids could get away from him
 
He fell in love with someone else and hates you because it's your fault? :confused:
 
He fell in love with someone else and hates you because it's your fault? :confused:

yes she is prefect and I am not, he explained to her she is sexy ( check) funny (check) beautiful ( check) a geek (check) a burlesque dancer ( check) good job ( I am a stay at home mum to his kids)

but I am not her..
 
Eleanor Roosevelt

There's a good Eleanor Roosevelt quote that fits here. Ummm it's.....

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." NO that's not it...

"A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." SHOOT that's not it either...

Wait, here it is:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Don't let him convince you it's your fault. Chances are your not faultless however I love Gala Girls: all relationships have an end, sometimes it's death, sometimes it's not!

It was just time and chances are if/when your ready you will find someone who's not so mean!! Good luck with the kids. Be strong, be better than him for the kids & don't let him hurt you any more.
~Delph
 
Wait.. the... what??
This is not your fault. Don't let him press that guilt button. Ugh! :mad:
 
There's a good Eleanor Roosevelt quote that fits here. Ummm it's.....

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." NO that's not it...

"A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." SHOOT that's not it either...

Wait, here it is:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Don't let him convince you it's your fault. Chances are your not faultless however I love Gala Girls: all relationships have an end, sometimes it's death, sometimes it's not!

It was just time and chances are if/when your ready you will find someone who's not so mean!! Good luck with the kids. Be strong, be better than him for the kids & don't let him hurt you any more.
~Delph

thanks for your reply, the things is I have a lovely sweet amazing guy and have been with him nearly a year and he makes me so happy and feeling very loved up but G is jealous because I have something he can't have with J but the thing is I can't marry A or have children with him, he is going to amercia for a year at some point but when he gets back we will hopefully carry on ( depending on his gf) G does not have to worry about that with J I am the lucky one so he says!
 
Do you see where he's being unreasonable? He beats you up emotionally for NOT being someone else that HE fell in love with?

In previous posts you say he does not meet your needs and now he's STILL using you as emotional punching bag.

To me you seem to be in the process of leaving, and gathering self to detach... but not quite there yet. Where are you in the leaving process?

  • Emotionally? You seem sorrowful and in stages of grief.
  • Mentally? You are.... deciding things?
  • Spiritually you seem flat.
  • Physically you are living in the home.

One word of caution... Please be careful. You are esp vulnerable as a SAHM -- do you have your own account? Because anything held in joint he could cut you off from. It takes both to get one or the other name removed, it only takes one to go to bank and close it entirely. :(

Right now he's being emotionally and mentally hurtful. Don't let feeling UGH from enduring that blind you to protecting your financial health.

You don't deserve to be treated poorly. :(

What would be the steps you'd need to take to leave this situation? Have you thought it out or need help thinking it out?

Galagirl
 
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Do you see where he's being unreasonable? He beats you up emotionally for NOT being someone else that HE fell in love with?

I do yes, if he could see J more he would, when he sees her he is gone for a day or 2 when I see A its for about a hour maybe 3 or 4 if I am lucky :(


In previous posts you say he does not meet your needs and now he's STILL using you as emotional punching bag.

To me you seem to be in the process of leaving, and gathering self to detach... but not quite there yet. Where are you in the leaving process?

  • Emotionally? You seem sorrowful and in stages of grief.
  • Mentally? You are.... deciding things?
  • Spiritually you seem flat.
  • Physically you are living in the home.

I am somewhat detached from him, not sure if I love him or not as he is never nice anymore.

emotionally: I feel I am in the stages of grief, I wouldn't take him back but doesn't mean I don't miss what we had.

Mentally: I am depressed, happy with I am with A but when I am not with him I am low and lonely, before I had two amazing guys and now I have one amazing lovely sweet guy but when I am not with him he is busy with his gf and can't always see me.

Spiritually: I am flat, he and J are wearing me down, she doesn't understand what she is doing is hurting me and she isn't in the wrong, she wants to be friends with me but she can't see why I don't.

Physically: we are still living together, he sleeps downstairs but its sucks living with him, I hate him sometimes.

One word of caution... Please be careful. You are esp vulnerable as a SAHM -- do you have your own account? Because anything held in joint he could cut you off from. It takes both to get one or the other name removed, it only takes one to go to bank and close it entirely. :(

I have my own money and bank account which he can't control, we had joint bank accounts last time but when we broke up and then got back together I didn't want to set it up again.

Right now he's being emotionally and mentally hurtful. Don't let feeling UGH from enduring that blind you to protecting your financial health.

I won't, my kids come first and without food on the table and the bills being paid it won't (apart from my love, which there is a lot from me) much of a life for them

You don't deserve to be treated poorly. :(

What would be the steps you'd need to take to leave this situation? Have you thought it out or need help thinking it out?


I want him out, he makes it so hard to live with him and I hate being with him, its awkward, I can't move as I am committed to the house plus its out home now
 
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