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Old 05-11-2016, 09:59 PM
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Spork Spork is offline
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Default Casual love--YES, PLEASE.

This. This, this, this, THIS.

http://blog.carsieblanton.com/post/8...32/casual-love

^^^
I want to do like a standing ovation for this blog post, but I'm at work and my coworkers would look at me very strangely if I did.

My whole life, I have felt this way. Why in the heck does someone assume I MEAN THINGS when I tell them that I love them?? Why is love scary? Why not just see it as the highest compliment a person can give you, even if you don't feel the same feels? What the heck is everyone making such a big deal about?

This page should be required reading, like at least as important as a condom, for any potential partner I have for the rest of my life. I may in fact (after donating money to the writer) print off copies (if she will give me permission) to hand out to any potential sex prospects or promising dates.
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Old 05-12-2016, 11:27 AM
icesong icesong is offline
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I have this linked in my OKC profile for exactly those reasons.
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Old 05-12-2016, 01:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by icesong View Post
I have this linked in my OKC profile for exactly those reasons.
Excellent idea. Should I find myself back out there looking, I'll do the same.
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Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 17, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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Old 05-12-2016, 09:46 PM
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FeatherFool FeatherFool is offline
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I don't think I get that blog post. A few of the arguments made me feel pretty icky. Can someone summarize? I think I'm missing something.
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Old 05-12-2016, 09:58 PM
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The blog post is saying that it should be ok to fall in love easily.

That being in love with someone, or loving someone, should not be taken so seriously. The whole attached questions one might ask such as:

-Does this person need me to love them back?
-Does this person need me to love only them?
-Does this person need me to love them FOREVER?
-Does this person expect us to move in together, get married, and/or make babies?

The way some people freak out over love and make it into this huge, life altering event, is not really me. You can be as solo-poly as I am (not going to live with anyone, marry anyone, or give anyone any more kids ever again as far as I know) and still have just as much love feelings for your partner(s) as someone who IS doing that stuff. One doesn't always have to do with the other.

I've been frustrated in the past when partners have freaked out because I told them that I loved them. Even when I carefully tried to explain that it isn't any kind of a trap, and I didn't even care if they loved me back or not. It should really be taken as a compliment, it just means, "I think you are Super Awesome Sauce! I totally enjoy time with you! Let's keep doing this for a while, huh?"

And I get angry when I'm told that just because I didn't wait some pre-determined period of time to feel something and admit I feel something, that my feelings are invalid, that it's "only" infatuation or NRE or limerance or some negligible and stupid and likely crazy thing. Why can't I just enjoy it??

What part of this bothered you, FeatherFool, if I may ask? (I has a curious.)
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Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 17, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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  #6  
Old 05-12-2016, 11:29 PM
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Absolutely feel free to ask! I love reasonable open-minded discussion.

Thank you for your summary; that really cleared a few questions up for me. I'm sorry that you had those experiences; no one should should try to make you feel like your emotions aren't valid.

However, I'd put forward that the idea that everyone should love easy and free, and not make too a big deal of it, is just as invalidating as saying that someone can only love if they have "put in the hours", to paraphrase. I feel like while the complimenter may have the best intentions, only the receiver can decide what they find complimentary or not.

Here is what I took away from the blog:

I understood much of this blog post to be saying that "love" should exclusively be defined as that feeling of twitterpation- tingly and exciting and breathtaking- but that it should not encompass commitment, which is proposed as a separate entity and likely not an emotion. This suggests to me that the author assumes that everyone should labour under the same definition of love, and in my experience that is a mistake. Emotional labels are notoriously difficult to pin down and they can't be expected to have a perfect universal definition. My idea of love does not match the authors', but that doesn't make either one wrong. They are just different. My definition of anger almost certainly would not match theirs, either. It's natural to assume that everyone is (or should be) working under the same set of rules as you are but that is not always, or even often, the case.

If someone told me they loved me and I found that uncomfortable, or felt like it placed pressure on me, I don't think par for course that means I need to change my definition of love. It's mine, after all, and has nothing to do with how the other person chooses to label their emotions. This post seemed to suggest that reacting negatively to an expression of love was in itself undesirable and bad. I disagree with that. If one party has the right to express their love, as they define it, the other has equal right to how they feel about that expression. I felt like the author was saying you are obligated to accept someone's profession of love, and that just feels icky.

I also had a few issues with the argument that love can only be safely defined and accepted as This One True Way, and anything else would result in Disaster. That is all-or-nothing thinking, and eminently not true; plenty of people reserve the term love for the closest associations in their life, and plenty of them get along just fine. It also seems to suggest that This One True Way would entirely prevent misunderstanding and heartbreak, which I find very silly; it seems obvious to me that it won't. The misunderstandings and heartbreak would just occur slightly differently. I don't believe there are any One True Ways to love, and all kinds of emotion, however you define them for yourself, can lead to joy or pain depending on how you use them.

...Feel free to knock any/all of this down, however!
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  #7  
Old 02-02-2018, 12:34 AM
nelleyram nelleyram is offline
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Thanks for your memo. The site sure has some intrigue. Yet, it does not help me negotiate my way around local polygamy forums or sites
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