Open relationships forums

feelyunicorn

New member
I`ve searched the internet for open relationships forums and resources and I seem to have found out that both are rather scant compared to poly forums and resources.

Have you had the same experience? I wonder if precisely the reasons I identify more with open relationships than poly are to blame for the lack of resources. Does the fact that polyamory seem more family-friendly (same with swingers) make it a more cohesive and powerful interest group?

I feel like a lot of people who identify as open might end up here by default, hence my question. I`ve done a search in this forum for this topic and haven`t found anything. I hope I am not breaching forum rules.
 
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Just about any poly group I've ever been familiar with would also cover open-relationships. (Unless, maybe, if you're talking about organized swinging, then yeah I guess that would be different.)
I think huge chunk of the folks in my local poly group make up of couples with an open relationship.
 
I`ve searched the internet for open relationships forums and resources and I seem to have found out that both are rather scant compared to poly forums and resources.

I don't get what distinction you're making, between 'open' and 'poly'. I get there is one (or more); but how do you see the difference? Is open relationship meaning you're in something committed and you play on the side with no emotional entanglement? Is that different from swinging in that you don't have to both be there?

This is pure ignorance asking.
 
I'm on a swingers' forum, and there are quite a few people who identify as "in an open relationship" vs. "swingers" there. They are the purely sexual kind of open, so they wouldn't fit in here, really, but they are very well accepted in the swinging community (not that they wouldn't be accepted here, they just probably wouldn't relate as well).

Around here, it seems like most of the people who attend the open relationships events are the same ones that attend the poly ones and some of the same ones that attend swingers ones. There aren't many people (in my experience) who identify as open that can't fit into either a swingers group or a poly group and find people who understand and agree with their viewpoints.

Is there a particular brand of "open" that you're looking for and not finding represented?
 
Thank you both NovemberRain and km34 for asking. I guess I should have spent a few words on how I define myself. I can only speak for my own definition of open, or open relationships (the plural part is important to me).

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The differences to me between open vs. poly or swingers (or, even, "open relationship" singular) are:

a) open relationships seem to place less emphasis on family, live-in arrangements, and marriage than either poly or swingers;

b) open relationships seem to lay further along the sex-positivity scale than poly; no taboo around NSA and DADT;

c) open relationships seem to still allow for multiple emotional bonds (hence open relationships, instead of open relationship no "s") to coexist, as opposed to swinging.

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So, to me open relationships are the best of both worlds. And, I do feel a little bit like a fish out of water around people walking around with wedding bands. Not really a turn on in bed! :eek:
 
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So, to me open relationships are the best of both worlds. And, I do feel a little bit like a fish out of water around people walking around with wedding bands. Not really a turn on in bed! :eek:

That's funny.. I once dated a guy who always wanted me to wear my wedding ring when we had sex... His roommate and friends didn't know I was married (rather religious group would have judged both me and him) so I didn't normally wear it around him (well, I didn't wear it often anyway, but I made a point to not wear it then) but he would often request it when we went to the bedroom. He said it made it feel like sneaking around or whatever even though it wasn't. It kind of amused me.

I also know a lot of people who don't wear wedding bands - both swingers, poly, and otherwise. I don't like wearing jewelry so I only wear mine when the diamonds will accent my outfit.

I think it would probably be hard to get a group of people who are in your kind of open relationships to form a group. Since there isn't an emphasis on a primary or live-in relationship, it would seem to be a singles group. I don't think I've ever met anyone IRL who doesn't have the desire to live with at least one partner at some point.
 
The terminology that I use is the following:

Monogamy

Non-Monogamy
- Cheating
- Responsible non-monogamy (which I think most people refer to as "Open relationship"
-- Swinging
-- Polyamory

We have had discussions about the difference between Swinging and poly so I won't go into that there.

The problem is that there are forms of poly which aren't "Open" - they even refer to themselves as "closed". The term "open" is highly overloaded - it means different things to different people, so I really try to avoid using it, because it can often cause more confusion.

There are poly forums and swinger forums - I wonder what is out there that doesn't cover the stuff that those types of forums cover.
 
I think solo poly people (who do not wish to be partnered) are very similar to what you describe as open, regarding what we want (except for, maybe, being okay with DADT). Being solo and having no wish to cohabit with anyone nor have a partner, I have wished many times that there was a place just for others like me, or a resource online for solos, and I might eventually create one myself (if I ever feel that motivated).

But yeah, the couple-centric focus on married poly people and threads about kids and families does get tiresome after a while (in any of the poly forums I visit, not just this one) when you're solo and childfree. I just avoid them for a while, answer the ones that I relate to better, and then revisit those dyad-focused ones when I have gotten over my feeling of over-saturation. I do learn a lot from every walk of life, so even those married people and parents have something to offer me. ;)

I do have to say, I was very, very turned on when I was in bed with a guy I was seeing last year, Burnsy, and saw the wedding ring on his finger as he played with my breasts. It felt so forbidden!
 
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Since there isn't an emphasis on a primary or live-in relationship, it would seem to be a singles group. I don't think I've ever met anyone IRL who doesn't have the desire to live with at least one partner at some point.
Nice to meet you. :eek: I wouldn`t mind being called "lifestyle single" to distinguish myself from single people who are looking to shack up, but just haven`t met someone who fits the bill yet. Just so you know, there are quite a few of us, and a Facebook group. Unfortunately, it tends toward asexuality.

The reason I prefer 'open' is so that people understand that I have relationships, I have sex. Only they don`t involve sharing each and every day of my life and my living space, nor do they have any ceremonial-symbolic trappings or special labels.

BTW, just to point something out which may have been a misunderstanding, I have absolutely no problem with a primary partner or multiple primary partners, for that matter. In fact, I`d very much like that, so long as I have the right to my personal space.

Tristan Taormino, whom I love, describes it as "solo polyamory", which I think is a mouthful. :eek:

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The term "open" is highly overloaded - it means different things to different people, so I really try to avoid using it, because it can often cause more confusion.
Coincidentally, I find the term "love" overloaded and draconian in meaning, hence why I don`t really like the -amory part of the term polyamory.

But, I think now that I`ve split hairs enough :D, I should point out that this isn`t simply a matter of semantics. The fact is that swingers don`t allow me inside their clubs because I don`t have a wife (and, probably wouldn`t also if I disclosed my bisexuality); and, polys, although significantly more simpatico, still won`t fuck me on the grounds that I don`t want to live with them and their metamours, and have children, and wear a bow tie to the wedding.

In one group I am barred, in the other I am friendzoned. The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

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In the end, it means that I have to go back to mono singles, who are just a nightmare because to them feelings and independence cannot coexist.
 
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But yeah, the couple-centric focus on married poly people and threads about kids and families does get tiresome after a while (in any of the poly forums I visit, not just this one) when you're solo and childfree. I just avoid them for a while, answer the ones that I relate to better, and then revisit those dyad-focused ones when I have gotten over my feeling of over-saturation. I do learn a lot from every walk of life, so even those married people and parents have something to offer me. ;)
Totally agree about the being selective on threads of interest. I am child-free too, and we don't all cohabit, so threads about those topics are only of limited interest to me. I also tend to avoid the religion topics, too, since being an agnostic means I have nothing really to learn or contribute when it comes to reconciling Christianity with Poly, or which Pagan rituals fit best into the poly lifestyle. Also, since I'm not involved in the BDSM community at all, and have no real interest in that, that is another area where my interest and experience are necessarily very limited.

Having said all that, I think that this would probably apply to most of the denizens on this or any other poly forum. Not only are there so many ways to "do poly", but there are so many combinations and permutations of the "poly and ..." types of scenarios that I think that it's only natural.

If we are not focusing on the single poly enough, or are somehow intolerant of it, then I think we need to be called on it. Everyone having multiple loves in an an open and honest way should be feeling welcome here, otherwise we are missing something, in my opinion.


Coincidentally, I find the term "love" overloaded and draconian in meaning, hence why I don`t really like the -amory part of the term polyamory.
Touché. Very valid point. :)


The fact is that swingers don`t allow me inside their clubs because I don`t have a wife (and, probably wouldn`t also if I disclosed my bisexuality);
However, if you were a single female you would be welcome with open... er... arms, right?

polys, although significantly more simpatico, still won`t fuck me on the grounds that I don`t want to live with them and their metamours, and have children, and wear a bow tie to the wedding.
Ugh, you have found that? That's just nasty, sorry. In our poly circles I'd say we have a fair mix of the "live-in polys" and the "live separately" polys. Quite a few are in live-in dyads and are quite happy to have other relationships outside the dyad without intending for them to move in and live some idyllic, pastoral, domestic, baccanalic life. Many are either child-free, or have children that are old enough to have left home, and don't want more, nor are they looking for on-site baby-sitters.

The other challenge that you have, of course, is that you are male, and presumably there are a large number of folks out there who are only looking for females... which puts us back into the ages-old poly discussion of why is there a surfeit of males and everyone is looking for females...

Bow-ties, however, along with fezzes, are cool.
 
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I'm sorry that you are having trouble finding people who match the kind of lifestyle you want.
Interestingly, I seem to have the opposite problem: the people I meet are... well, like you, I guess :p They don't want the kind of commitment I need before being intimate. Mind you, I don't require men to live with me or have a ceremony, although I'm open to both and I guess would prefer it, ideally (but I'd rather deal with each relationship the way it presents itself than try to make it fit into a mould).

I guess I'm also opposed in the fact that being female, I'd be allowed in swinging clubs, but I have no interest in going (I don't really get anything from having sex with someone I'm not in love with and committed to. And even if I did, I don't need swing clubs, I could just walk into a bar).

I think that while ideally polyamory, swinging, etc would be more inclusive, people get very defensive of their own way to practice it, because once you've found what works for you, you become overprotective of it I guess. Still, if you have been surrounded by One True Wayers, I'm sorry to hear that.

I hope you meet someone(s) matching your aspirations and goals, but I'm not sure how you can search more effectively. After all, it's good that people tell you what they want, even if it's not what you want, and I wouldn't suggest they get into relationships they're uncomfortable with any more than you should.
Still, you're not the only solo poly on this board, so I'm sure there are others of you out there :)
 
However, if you were a single female you would be welcome with open... er... arms, right?
Exactly.

The other challenge that you have, of course, is that you are male, and presumably there are a large number of folks out there who are only looking for females... which puts us back into the ages-old poly discussion of why is there a surfeit of males and everyone is looking for females...
Yep. I also feel I`m not going to get a very open dialog about gender from married couples who are used to chivalry, and the Prince Charming ideal. In the end, poly or not, I`m still back to Darwin and female egg scarcity and male disposability. Which, makes open relationships seem like a dreamy Utopia.

And...makes me feel decidedly gay.


Bow-ties, however, along with fezzes, are cool.
lol! During Halloween or Pride, most definitely. Other than that, I`ve only worn them when I was slaving away at Bat Mitzvah catering gigs in Brooklyn. :D

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Thanks CDM and Ton for your thoughts. :)
 
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The differences to me between open vs. poly or swingers (or, even, "open relationship" singular) are:

a) open relationships seem to place less emphasis on family, live-in arrangements, and marriage than either poly or swingers;

I wouldn't agree that poly of necessity involves any emphasis on family, live-in relationships. Not in the slightest.

b) open relationships seem to lay further along the sex-positivity scale than poly; no taboo around NSA and DADT;

I also don't see open as any more sex-positive than poly. There's nothing about either that is more or less sex-positive. DADT is not more sex-positive than disclosure.

c) open relationships seem to still allow for multiple emotional bonds (hence open relationships, instead of open relationship no "s") to coexist, as opposed to swinging.

Open--and my wife and I are also open in addition to poly--includes NSA, casual FWB, one night stands, etc.--all that stuff that doesn't involve romantic relationships. It may or may not involve DADT.
 
On a side, rather random note, every swingers club I've been to that allows solo females also allows solo males. Sure, the cost is usually a lot more, but that is because of supply and demand not because swingers as a whole disapprove of solo men.

I have heard of certain groups that host parties that will allow solo women but not men, but they seem to be few and far between. Single women in the swingers scene tend to invite drama and bad behavior. At least the men only seem to invite bad behavior without the drama. :D

As for the poly side of things... I don't know what to tell you. I personally am a person who likes to surround myself with those I love as often as possible. Very rarely do I feel the need for completely alone time. So, I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with someone who needed a lot of time completely to him/herself. But that's just me.

I also draw a very solid line between my NSA/swinging experiences and my poly ones. My past relationship with someone I met through swinging was awkward and almost entirely unpleasant. I won't let those two aspects of my life mingle that much ever again. So, if I met you at a swingers event or some website geared towards NSA/FWB, I wouldn't have any problem hooking up (assuming we were interested in each other lol). If I met you on a dating site or one geared towards poly, I wouldn't be interested in anything but friendship on the basis that we want vastly different things in the long term. I don't know how many of the poly people you've met feel that way, but that could be one reason they haven't been interested.
 
I don't know how many of the poly people you've met feel that way, but that could be one reason they haven't been interested.
To be quite honest, I do not meet a whole lot of people and mostly keep to myself. A lot of my isolation is self-imposed. That, should almost preface any and all discussions about my relationship problems. So, I only deserve so much empathy.

I base my poly observations primarily on this forum. That being said, the poly girl I met and was briefly interested in, sort of confirms my hunch.

As for transitioning from NSA to a long-term relationship, I find it to be rather natural. In fact, to me there isn`t much of a dichotomy between the two. But, most people I meet are like you. :(

Joking. :D

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Edit: Concerning dating websites, I don`t use them anymore. Or, any kind of personals or phone service (Do those still exist? Showing my age. :eek:) but I was 100% unsuccessful in those. According to my friend, who was a Craigslist pick up artist in his time, it had to do with the fact that I was too straightforward about sex. But, I`m hard-hearded, and have always refused to compromise my stance. :eek:

I think it might have had more to do with my height.

Edit2: The reason I don`t go to single men`s nights at swing clubs is because I would essentially be paying what I could be paying to be with a hooker with much more uncertain results. I can totally see myself just sitting there and disappearing into oblivion, as though I was in a really expensive nightclub by myself sitting in the corner, and no one hit on me. But, hopefully one day I`ll let up on my resolve and take some risks.

Edit3: I`ve also had no measure of interest from swingers in personal services in the past, so I assume the same would happen at a club?
 
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