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Old 03-28-2013, 05:14 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
One of my core beliefs is 'Ask for what you want. You might get it!'.
That's the other end of the conversation which I think is equally important; that we "might" get what we want. I have had the unfortunate pleasure of dating a person who really had no concept of getting a response other than the one they wanted. This is the difference between a question and an order. A question leaves the possibility of any number of responses and while I might be disappointed by the response I get... it was just a question so I need to suck it up.

My job on this end of the spectrum (asking and getting "no") is to be an adult and respect that they are answering within the bounds of their knowledge base or belief system. If I value them as a person I need to value their ability to make decisions for themselves, even if a decision they make doesn't happen to benefit me.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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Old 05-04-2013, 07:31 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Location: Nowhere
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Default Another classic - why this thread exists

Originally Posted by Cloudy View Post
I'd like to hear from the actual poly community. Please let me know what you think. Don't sugar coat anything. I want real, honest, educated responses. Thank you for reading.

Originally Posted by Cloudy View Post
And at long last.... @BoringGuy
Sigh.... I could do without the sarcasm, though based on your rather large number of posts (over 1,000), I'm guessing it's based on frequently hearing n00b idiots like me stumble their way through trying to convey their views on this new and, if you're like me, radical topic. I would more appreciate, instead, that you educate me and point me in a better direction, instead of insulting me.
And that's just the point--I'm completely new to this. So new, in fact, that I technically haven't even started yet, at least as far as an actual poly relationship goes. So forgive me if I don't use the proper terminology, or if I step on a few poly verbal taboos. And if nothing else, at the very least, I'm reading, seeking advice, and analyzing and educating myself BEFORE I take this leap. Maybe you're right. Maybe I have a warped view of polyamory, and I have it all wrong. Guess what? That's why, in my OP, I asked, "Am I just not cut out for polyamory?" I know no one here can answer that for me. But being here is part of a process to discover the answer to that question and others.
Though you are right that it's impossible to tell if I'm a jerk or not just from one post. Who knows? Maybe I hate kittens. And who doesn't love kittens?


Why do people do this? Say one thing, then act like they never said it and as if they said the opposite thing? This is the great thing about the internet, etc. People don't get off the hook that easily.

I didn't do this to you. you did it to yourself. All I did was say "hey look at that elephant in the living room!" And you blame me because you looked and saw. Do not speak to me if you refuse to see. I will not be your blind man.
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Old 05-05-2013, 03:47 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 422
Default It sounds like he is asking

or maybe stating that your advice would be better received if it sounded a little less hypocritical, what I mean by that is not being so hypercritical of everyone else. Being both hypercritical of others and hypocritical when both are taken to extremes is what he may be asking to tone down,

I don't know if you only get this way around people who say bro, but here are two things that you said:

Originally Posted by Boring Guy
There is no "the" poly community. Please define the subset. Please define what "community" means in this context. The people who live in my zip code are a sort of "community", but we don't have a section of town where all the poly people have their own zip code. The "online poly community"? There could be more than one "poly community" on the internet, and there are people who would argue that there is no such thing. The "community" that is sometimes perceived to be this forum? Craigs List? OK Cupid? (from the rant on couple privilege)

But for all we know, you (the OP) COULD be... there are other things that make people chauvinistic, selfish, controlling jerks besides whether or not they want to fuck two women but don't want "their" women fucking other men. We, "THE poly community", WE don't have enough information about you to judge you that way... YET.
(from Cloudy asking about one penis policy)

If you honestly have no idea what he may be talking about, that's one thing, but is that what you are honestly saying?

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 05-05-2013 at 03:51 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 02-26-2014, 04:10 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 2,075
Default Listened to a song that reminded me of this thread

I know this is an old thread, but I do think it is a perennial issue so I feel justified necro-ing it .

I was listening to some Don McLean recently and one song brought to mind this thread and I thought I'd share. This is related to the flip side of saying what you mean - having people ACTUALLY hear what you are saying. Relevant to RGJ's post above -

Originally Posted by RainyGrlJenny View Post
The connected pet peeve to this is that I do say what I mean, so freaking believe me when I say it!

... It's just frustrating to have every motive questioned when I'm such a straight-forward person.
Song Lyrics: Empty Chairs (Don McLean)

..."And I wonder if you know
that I never understood
That although you said you'd go
Until you did,
I never thought you would

I never thought the words you said were true
I never thought you said just what you meant
I never knew how much I needed you
I never thought you'd leave,
until you went.


We are witnessing the first divorce amongst our "couple-friends" (HS/college friends that got married around the same time that we did that we maintained friendships with - sharing birthdays, anniversaries, births of their children, etc.) (Mrs/MrClean if you are familiar with my blog).

As an outsider looking in - it seems, to me, that this was a fundamental problem in their relationship the whole time. Neither one really expected the other to be saying what they actually meant - so they were always acting/reacting to what they THOUGHT the other person meant...so when someone would actually TRY to say what they meant it was not believed. (There were other issues as well ... but they never really got addressed due to the communication issues.)


While re-reading this thread (to make sure my song lyrics were relevant ) another anecdote occurred to me in response to Marcus's post:

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
That's the other end of the conversation which I think is equally important; that we "might" get what we want. I have had the unfortunate pleasure of dating a person who really had no concept of getting a response other than the one they wanted. This is the difference between a question and an order. A question leaves the possibility of any number of responses and while I might be disappointed by the response I get... it was just a question so I need to suck it up...
Dude and I had a quasi-legitimate argument over something not significantly important, we were both cranky and irritable but no longer hashing it out. Not long after we were sitting on the couch in front of our computers and TV on (our usual quiet evening relaxing). Dude asked if he could lay his head on my lap (a common request). I said "No". Having his head on my lap while I am on the computer and he is trying to watch TV is awkward and slightly uncomfortable - which I was not willing to accommodate while I was still irked with him.

His response: "What!?!?! Really?!?!?" He looked like I had just stepped on his kitten. Like, it was TOTALLY UNFATHOMABLE that anybody could deny that request. (Which triggered another round of the irritable/argumentativeness - "Are you just punishing me for not agreeing with you earlier?" "No, it's uncomfortable and I'm not feeling it right now...BESIDES, if the only acceptable answer to the question is 'yes' then it is not really a question, is it?", etc.)

(PS. This has actually never happened again - that was over a year ago. Now he seems to only ask questions that he actually is willing to hear the answer to...)
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-always-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (26+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (8+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 02-26-2014, 04:27 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Good necro.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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communication skills, honesty

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